Screwed by bad choices and as situation out of my control

[Azure Cloud]

Screwed by bad choices and a situation out of my control

This is a long story. I am so grateful to anyone that can read through it all!

I'm almost 44 years old and i find myself struggling to not give in to the darkness that has enveloped my life.

I have largely been a functional addict for most of my life. I have abused one substance or another since the age of 14. Mostly weed and psychedelics until in my early twenties. At that time, I took a 7 year hiatus to focus on finishing my undergrad program and a masters degree in geology. During my PhD program (geochemistry focussed), it was 1999 and I found a pharmacy in Juarez that would FedEx cheap oxycontin into the USA from El Paso. This was the beginning of the end. Oxycontin was a great motivator at first but turned into a major brain fogger and distraction with in a year or two. After a grand maul seizures early in 2003 followed by a house fire in late 2003, I could not focus on my PhD program any longer and finally gave up on 2005.

I also started back on weed in 2001 because after the birth of my son. My wife made friends with a woman at her La Leche League meetings who was married to a guy that grew the most incredible weed.
My wife and i became excellent doctor shoppers as the Mexican pharmacy guy started become too unreliable. In 2003 we discovered records only online pharmacies (thanks to being established with a croaker of a doctor we had the needed records). I was odering 90 to 120 Norcos a month from four different pharmacies. Those pharmacies all got shut down in 2005 i believe. Sobriety was forced upon us, but then i found a reliable source of opium poppies online. I also found that adderall was a great drug to alleviate my opium withdrawals.

Long story short, since then I've made two attempts to find control at methadone clinics, but those just ended up putting me in a worse place in terms of my addiction. I have also had a couple of somewhat successful runs with suboxone docs, finally coming of subs late last summer.

However due to my wife suffering from neuropathy i thought i needed something extra to deal with working and being the primary care giver (taking the role of mother and father) to our children. Adderall fit the bill. This began in 2009

So at this point I'm abusing Adderall to get high because Suboxone was not doing the trick. I thought I was using Adderall to defeat the high denied me by the subs. Also due to a one year probation imposed on me for being busted for growing cannabis I really became dependent on Adderall, legit script, but never enough.

After working at an environmental testing lab from 2006 to 2009, I managed to fall into a great job as a manufacturers rep, working for my eldest brother. I loved my job and never thought I would need to find another one the rest of my life.

Well late last year my brother killed himself and the manufacturer decided to let our territory dissipate into the surrounding territories and I was out of a job. The irony is that i finally got off Suboxone completely the summer preceding my brother's suicide. I was also a week or two free of Adderall before his death. Not focusing on my grief because my parents need my support and help as the executors of his estate, I was drug free except for cannabis for a few months.

I must say my brother left quite the mess to clean up. He shot himself in the back of the head in a bathroom closet. It fell to me and a good friend to clean the closet, pull the carpet, replace the floor boards, sanitize and repaint the wall, and lay tile so the house could be sold. The executor responsibilities have been an immense burden because his only heir is a beautiful five year old little girl. Probate court is a bitch to deal with.

Once the process of gathering his financial securities and liquidating his assets began to wind down, i find myself trying to find employment. Every time I see a contact to try to network with from the old job, the true grief I put off earlier sets in. I breakdown and cry trying to talk to our old customers as I look for advise or opportunities for employment. Initially applying for jobs I was honest about what happened thinking this would help explain why I am unemployed through no fault of my own. Come to realize no one wants to hire someone with a perceived victim mentality.

2 months ago I decided I needed to get back on the Adderall because at the age of 44 my work experience only spans 10 years due to spending so much time in graduate school. I thought I could control my Adderall usage this time. It is not working, but I cannot not remember how to operate without the crutch of drugs. Between the late onset of true grieving and the loss of confidence in myself to find a job that will allow me at least to give my 13 year old son a couple of nice vacations while he is still young enough to really appreciate it with what is left of his childlike wonder and awe, I feel frozen in my tracts. I cannot approach potential employers with any confidence what so ever. I am like a deer caught in the headlights.

I desperately want my son to see me pull out of this and be a success, to be a good example, so he can know he is made of strong enough mettle to overcome any obstacles he may face in his life. His school work is definitely suffering because he does stress out about our finances, though he should not, and as much as I try to hide the debilitating depression I have fallen into, I know he feels it.

The Adderall is not working. At first is gave me a boost of productivity on the job search, but now it has only thrown me into a very dark place I see no way out of.

I want to institutionalize my self for 30 to 90 days to get the help I need but if my son ever discovers that my addictions are the root of what has caused him to do without certain things, that my addictions since before he was born is the reason I did not pay him the attention he deserved form ages 5 onward (I was super dad until he started kindergarten), I don't think he will every forgive me. He hates drugs, esp after seeing me being arrested by the swat team.

I have been on Adderall for 5 years now with horrific cycles of manic-depression associated with its use. But I don't know how to stop. I feel like I need to find a way to support my family properly again as soon as possible. I am so torn between the anxiety of finding a job, while knowing that the Adderall roller coaster is making it impossible at the same time. I will not be able to keep a job with comedowns that will inevitably make me a shitty employee. Yet I am completely scared to not have the Adderall available to provide the edge I think I need to compete with the other tens of thousands of people also seeking employment (many of them younger and with a more recent education and a more focused set of skills than I have). Plus I have never found my old energy and motivation to return no matter how long any of my drug free episodes last. What makes it harder is that my wife acts like she is completely disabled: she can hardly help around the house but she can sure make messes for me to clean up. I feel like I live with two children but one is an adult. My oldest child is 23 and striking it out on her own supporting herself as best she can despite the lack to coping skills my wife an I were able to teach her. (more guilt I don't know how to overcome, even though she has long since said that she has forgiven me...really she blames her mom and considers herself lucky I was a good stepdad that took the time to make sure she never missed a basketball practice and being the one to breakdown dense algebraic geometry problems step by step in such a way that her ADD mind could understand the small steps that are the true basis of any complicated problem).

Most days, even with the Adderall, I am too depressed and lack the self-confidence I need to sell myself to any employer.

I am stuck in a negative thought cycle always feeling bad about how I know both my children would have such better lives if I had not been a junky my whole life.

I do not know what to do and I do not expect anyone to have specific answers for me; but any input would be so appreciated. I just feel fucked in my head. And even worse, I know that children of depressed parents tend to have a lot of coping issue problems later in life as well. My daughter has male dependency issues that have landed her in an abusive relationship in the past even though I tried my best to make up for the benign and loving fatherly attention her bio-dad never gave her.

Well this is all I will burden you with for now. Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment, but know I have still so much to that I need to express so I can finally get these demons out of my head and soul. I try to make baby step forward but I am always taking a few steps back just as quickly.

I want to make a loud cry for help to those around me, but I am a coward when it comes to asking for help.

AzCL

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Ask for help.

Be brave and do it, don't be afraid to show vulnerability. We are all as humans intrinsically fallible and there is no shame to be had in admitting you need help.

Regarding your son the short term repercussions of admitting your drug use might be difficult, and the relationship might take a while to mend, but realistically I think he's more likely to end up respecting you for going through the process necessary to sort your shit out. He may resent you in the short run, but what's the other option? Continue using until shit spirals so far out of control he realises you're an addict and makes the connection to the things he's missed in his life himself? Kids aren't stupid, I would guess he proably already knows a lot more than you think anyway. A decent treatment facility will help give you the tools to deal with the fall out and start on the road to mending that relationship.

You've been through some nasty shit, and I can understand how all those different factors have lead up to you feeling the way you do right now.

You need to prioritise getting your drug use under control though. Getting a job now might be good, but realistically it will end in tears if you go on being an addict. That shit will probably end up getting in the way of your work and putting you right back where you are now.

I can empathise with you to a certain extent, I have a seriously damaged relationship with my brother due to the shit I put him through as a result of my drug taking (and mental problems) over the course of his life. He's had it hard and I feel guilty about that because I am the root of those issues, but beating myself up over it isn't going to make things any easier for me, or more importantly him. I myself am concentrating on getting clean and getting my life in order before I try and fix the relationship with him because I know there's no way he can respect me whilst I'm still under the yoke of drug addiction.

It seems that you know what you need to do, you need some encouragement to be able to make the jump to getting on the road to recovery.

 

[Azure Cloud]

Omen, appreciate what you say and I know there much truth to it. One problem with asking for help is that my parents, in their early mid 70's, believe my first attempt with subs therapy was successful.This will break their hearts.

My relationship with them has been tenuous at best in the past. They have control issues and because my son has never been as close to them as he is to my wife's parent's, there is resentment there.

Obviously since my brother's passing we have grown closer. He was the "good" son regularly spending time with them. I have, in his absence, been trying to fill his shoes. But at their age and with my dad's declining health (actually he is very active, but he has CAT scans scheduled because of suspicious bone loss in his pelvis region and because xrays show "something" on his lungs") I don't want to burden them with this. I have no desire to cause them to spend there last years worried about my ability to survive and strive without them. My dad has enough to worry about. Plus I can't stand the thought of draining their savings on my rehabilitation.

My son resents his mother because before the neuropathy diagnosis, she spent a number of years in bed nursing her grief over her father's death with a huge Xanax addiction. Neither children believe she really has neuropathy and both believe she is just a lazy bitch using me. Myself, after years of denial, do believe she does have neurological problems and I'm doing my best to get over the resentment I held against her due to her years of absence as my parenting partner.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could keep up the illusion of my son having at least one parent that is not a total Fuck up.

I got to get the kid ready for school but I'll be back on here later today.

Thank you, AzCl

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I feel you. How exactly do you plan for that to happen though?

I'm sure he would forgive you for admitting addiction if you came through and made good on your mistakes.

 

[Azure Cloud]

I feel you. How exactly do you plan for that to happen though?

I'm sure he would forgive you for admitting addiction if you came through and made good on your mistakes.

I keep hoping that through willpower and determination alone, I will be able to overcome this.

My son does not understand addiction at all, I pray he never does. He is angry that his mother and I smoke cigarettes. I see his point. If we truly loved him, why would we actively engage in an activity that will cut short the length of time we will be in his life.

Maybe I could find out-patient therapy but I have reservations about this as I do not know how this would fit into my schedule once I am working again (I know I am being optimistic that I will be able to hold down a job without taming my demons first).

I know NA has been a helpful option in the past but I never had the support from my wife to continue because of the time it took away from being at home for her and our family. I also had problems with the "higher power" deal. Additionally as I was cigarette free at the time, I felt I was surrounded by hypocrites that could not acknowledge that nicotine is a drug and it will kill you or destroy your quality of life eventually just like all the other drugs that they insist on total abstinence from.

 

[Azure Cloud]

But back to my original topic.

It was totally surreal that my brother took his own life. Mentally he was the strongest person I knew. He was so active, even at 50. Active in both a local bicycling club and running club. He never failed at anything he did. He only mentioned depression to me one week before he ended it all. Since I have struggled with depression my whole life and even though at times I wished I was dead, it was never something I thought about actually doing. It breaks my courage to think if he could not handle it, how can a weak person such as myself even have a chance.

We are closing on his house early next week, so in addition to what I need to do for my family (wife and son) I also need to spend this week getting his house cleaned out before the new owners take possession.

I just feel so overwhelmed and have no one to whom I feel like I can express all I am going through.

I have only been able to post what i have posted so far because my wife gave me half of a 30mg morphine tablet yesterday. Before asking her for that, even with the adderall, I could not find the willpower and words to even start writing about it here. ...I guess I should mention that one reason I got back on Adderall was so that I would not be tempted to steal her meds as she really does need them.

.....My brother was such a generous man and I never knew it. He could of retired anytime (discovered this while locating and consolidating his financial securities) but kept his office open because he was worried about the survival of myself and the girl managing his office if he closed up shop. He did not pay himself a salary for the last year while in business to make sure the office manager and myself had enough money to live comfortably.

He was a great uncle to my son and step-daughter. He had a jet ski and was always inviting us out to go riding with him.

I feel so much remorse that over the last few years I began treating him like a boss and not like a brother. He micro-managed the shit out of me five days a week and I got to the point that I did not want to see him after work hours; more regret of which I need to let go.

Only after his death did I realize what a great person he was and it makes me feel so sad and remorseful that I did not appreciate him more during his life. He took me out of a dead end job, not because I was a natural sales person but because I know he wanted better for me. I also think he wanted to take care of me because of the toxic relationship of my parents that we had to live through; he knew that my parents had really fucked me up with all sorts of self-confidence and self-esteem issues. He paid $1500 out of his own pocket for me to take a Dale Carnegie communication and human relations course so I could have half a chance dealing with customers.

And now here I am; no self confidence because I have been jobless for half a year since his death and just now really grieving the loss of a great person and influence in my life. It is all so hard to deal with. The drugs do not help and I feel like I can't do this alone either.

I feel so lost and helpless and like such a failure in life on so many levels.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Well, good luck with your struggle, I've never seen someone conquer an addiction through will power and determination alone though (other than perhaps smoking).

As regards the smoking, get on the vaping!

 

[Azure Cloud]

Well, good luck with your struggle, I've never seen someone conquer an addiction through will power and determination alone though (other than perhaps smoking).

As regards the smoking, get on the vaping!

I know my attempts at determination and willpower alone are not working for me so far.

As for the e-cigs, I have tried those. Almost seemed to work but either the ones I used would cause me to get nicotine liquid in my mouth and make me sick or (and this was a $100 upgrade model) would break due to accidentally dropping them from a very low height. I spent $500 on "quality" vapor cig's and the store would never give us a replacement models. I just cannot spend that kind of money on any nonessential items anymore.

I do cycle through slowing and stopping my smoking habit, but without the wife exhibiting the same commitment it is hard to abstain. I know I can always sneak a cig from her jacket pocket. Also, knowing she is in the garage (my man cave - adding insult to injury) smoking her day away because I let our cable tv bill lapse, makes it so hard to not bum off her and eventually get back into the habit myself.

Excuses, excuses - I know. I quit for two years without her quitting before. I just have to find that mindset to overcome the obstacles I perceive.

I have done the impossible before and on so many levels I need to reconnect with that part of me again.

Thank you so much omen for discussing all this with me. You definitely are helping me find my resolve to do the right thing(s)!

 

[herbavore]

Azure Cloud, you have so many, many layers of grief that I cannot even imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. I am horrified that you would have had to literally clean up after your brother's suicide. When all the pain and self-medicating have been going on so long, the sheer weight of all the inter-dependencies can look like a trap that no one could escape; but that is never actually the case. We build houses of cards and then live in utter fear that they will fall down. But they need to fall so that something solid can be built. You are trying so hard to keep everyone happy and untroubled--your wife, your kids, your parents--but inside, you are the one screaming for attention, for healing and protection and nurturing.

I realize how hard it would be to admit your drug use to your son and parents but there can be no real relationships without honesty. Eventually your son will tell you that he knew all along. He probably doesn't know details and he doesn't need to, but telling him that you are seeking help so that you can be the father that you want to be for him is going to be much better in the long run than trying to protect him from a reality that he can see. Kids are smart and perceptive and in the absence of truth they have to construct their own impressions. If you were able to get into a program that has a family component this could be a life changer for both you and your kids. Counselors that could explain addiction in terms that your son could understand as well as help him work through his own feelings would take some of that burden off of you. Please know that as I am writing this I realize just how terrifying this openness would be but in all your posts I see a man that has an incredible amount of courage and stamina.

I am so sorry about your brother. It sounds like you two suffered something that is so common in families--a sense of obligation and acting a part over a sense of love and acceptance from your parents. You have both tried to be the kind of men that your parents wanted--stoic and keeping it all inside. I can only imagine the pain your brother was in and now you are left with that immense grief on top of everything else. Much love to you as you find your way through all this.

 

[Azure Cloud]

Azure Cloud, you have so many, many layers of grief that I cannot even imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. I am horrified that you would have had to literally clean up after your brother's suicide. When all the pain and self-medicating have been going on so long, the sheer weight of all the inter-dependencies can look like a trap that no one could escape; but that is never actually the case. We build houses of cards and then live in utter fear that they will fall down. But they need to fall so that something solid can be built. You are trying so hard to keep everyone happy and untroubled--your wife, your kids, your parents--but inside, you are the one screaming for attention, for healing and protection and nurturing.

I realize how hard it would be to admit your drug use to your son and parents but there can be no real relationships without honesty. Eventually your son will tell you that he knew all along. He probably doesn't know details and he doesn't need to, but telling him that you are seeking help so that you can be the father that you want to be for him is going to be much better in the long run than trying to protect him from a reality that he can see. Kids are smart and perceptive and in the absence of truth they have to construct their own impressions. If you were able to get into a program that has a family component this could be a life changer for both you and your kids. Counselors that could explain addiction in terms that your son could understand as well as help him work through his own feelings would take some of that burden off of you. Please know that as I am writing this I realize just how terrifying this openness would be but in all your posts I see a man that has an incredible amount of courage and stamina.

I am so sorry about your brother. It sounds like you two suffered something that is so common in families--a sense of obligation and acting a part over a sense of love and acceptance from your parents. You have both tried to be the kind of men that your parents wanted--stoic and keeping it all inside. I can only imagine the pain your brother was in and now you are left with that immense grief on top of everything else. Much love to you as you find your way through all this.

Herbavore, Thank you for your comments, condolences and wisdom. It really means a lot from me. As I have read some of your postings so I am somewhat aware of your own personal journey; I know you are coming from a place of honest sincerity. The greatest wisdom comes at a great price; your words touch my heart deeply. I will take your advice to heart.

I guess if I did institutionalize myself, I could explain to my son that it is over grief and depression and mental breakdown, leaving the issue of drugs completely out of it.

But part of me keeps thinking that I all I need is to catch a break, for something positive to happen; for some event or situation to come about that will allow me to recognize that my future is not fucked and then I will be able to move forward more easily. I have been at low points in the past and things always ended up working out by the sheer determination and grace of circumstance. I've never lost a job because I could not function through my addiction or because of withdrawals, but this time feels different. I never had all those issues covered in a blanket of grief.

When I dropped out of my PhD program (or finally stopped spinning my wheels trying to finish my dissertation), at the time I felt like I was morning the death of a loved one (that perspective pales to what I know of bereavement now). I felt like broken merchandize and my low self-esteem kept me from finding a job directly related to my major courses of study. This was 2005 and even though the recession had not official hit, jobs outside of academia in my field where very scarce. I took jobs with a temp agency doing landscaping. I was laying sod (very hard physical work) with crews where, besides the foreman, I was the only non-spanish speaking person there. Those guys worked their asses off and I had nothing but respect for the guys I worked with. I was able to do what I needed to do, putting my ego aside.

However I eventually moved back to my hometown due my dad having prostate cancer, a hip replacement and a double bypass all in the same year. When I got home I took a job at a lab for which I was over qualified for, but over the course of a few years I moved up the ladder to becoming the supervisor of the extraction lab I had started in (my direct supervisor went on maternity leave and even before that she had to stay out of the lab due to the dangers of mutagenic effects the chemicals in the lab could have on her unborn baby) and then (almost at the same time) I was promoted to an analytical chemist position. Through sheer hard work I was running an extraction lab (overseeing a group of 4 or 5 technicians) and operating and maintaining an inductively coupled plasma-source mass spectrometer (the lab's most expensive instrument) as well as running and maintaining a gas chromatograph. I know I have strength and dogged determination inside me. I just do not seem to be able to tap into that inner strength right now.

I guess I am hard-headed and want to think I can do this on my own, but the frozen-in-fear-and-doubt place I am at now is part of a low point I do not think I have ever been before. I probably will admit to my family that I need professional help if my mental health does not improve soon.

 

[Azure Cloud]

I am horrified that you would have had to literally clean up after your brother's suicide.

I had to do this, otherwise my father would have been doing it. I got to my brother's house that day and my parents were literally collecting and crying over bone fragments. I could not take what I was witnessing. Laboring in his mess also made it very real to me as I never got to see the body (he was cremated before the service). It also provided a sort of closure for me, but obviously not completely.

I was lucky to have a close friend who knew my brother as well that was helping me with the cleanup. He kept me laughing the whole time. This may seem sick but you must understand my brother was the funniest person I ever knew. Everything that came out of his mouth was quick witted and funny (unless he was talking to a client and then it was all business but still sprinkled with jokes). We spent the whole time talking about all the hilarious shit my brother had done while alive.

 

[herbavore]

^Nothing seems sick to me when you are in the immediate aftermath of a death. And I so get the humor part. When the police came after neighbors heard me screaming after I found my son's body they kicked us out of his apartment while they did their investigation. I was down in the parking lot, in total shock, shaking and crying with a crowd of people from his apartment building standing around when I started to laugh because I actually saw/hallucinated (have no idea which) my living son dancing around on the roof of the building laughing at the cops because he knew they couldn't touch him anymore. People thought I was just crazy with grief but I can look back 3 years later and say that was the last joke I shared with my son. If he would have been there he would have been laughing for sure.

Your brother sounds like such an amazing man. Again, my sincere condolences.

 

[Azure Cloud]

^Nothing seems sick to me when you are in the immediate aftermath of a death. And I so get the humor part. When the police came after neighbors heard me screaming after I found my son's body they kicked us out of his apartment while they did their investigation. I was down in the parking lot, in total shock, shaking and crying with a crowd of people from his apartment building standing around when I started to laugh because I actually saw/hallucinated (have no idea which) my living son dancing around on the roof of the building laughing at the cops because he knew they couldn't touch him anymore. People thought I was just crazy with grief but I can look back 3 years later and say that was the last joke I shared with my son. If he would have been there he would have been laughing for sure.

Your brother sounds like such an amazing man. Again, my sincere condolences.

Thank you for this.

 

[Azure Cloud]

I have spent a lot of time reading through TDS. The Meth/Amphetamine Abuse Mega Thread and the Amphetamine (or possibly Adderall) The Drug You Learn to Hate thread have been very beneficial for me wrt my understanding of my own addiction and what it will take to overcome it. Knowing I'm not alone in this struggle is comforting, though forcing myself to read how hard others have/are struggled/ing was overwhelming to emotionally process.

I am in a better place emotionally than when I first posted. But this last week has not been easy. I hate being at his house -each time more empty than the time before, each time a little bit less of him present- but my last day there it was weird knowing that I would never enter that house again. I spent a good bit of time just standing in the bathroom closet looking for scars of him that my buddy and I were not able to fully cover up or wash away. We did a great job in the closet and if the original stains on the wall and the pools of red liquid on the carpet were not burned in my brain, no one would ever know what had happened in that closet.

I've been struggling with motivation and lethargy greatly over the last week as I have been taking very little if any Adderall butI'm not in that darkest dark hole. I've been doing odd landscaping jobs for the sweetest old couple (somehow). The probate court finally released a good amount of back pay from commissions I earned from the old job, like enough that I can support my family in comfort for four more months even if I remain unemployed. I also have an interview tomorrow for a kick ass outside sales job. I'll admit I saw this coming and I do plan on taking my very last Adderall tomorrow just to get thru it.

I'll be honest, I have not committed to getting the kind of help I know I need, but I am doing much better, though I still feel like shit.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I know my attempts at determination and willpower alone are not working for me so far.

As for the e-cigs, I have tried those. Almost seemed to work but either the ones I used would cause me to get nicotine liquid in my mouth and make me sick or (and this was a $100 upgrade model) would break due to accidentally dropping them from a very low height. I spent $500 on "quality" vapor cig's and the store would never give us a replacement models. I just cannot spend that kind of money on any nonessential items anymore.

I do cycle through slowing and stopping my smoking habit, but without the wife exhibiting the same commitment it is hard to abstain. I know I can always sneak a cig from her jacket pocket. Also, knowing she is in the garage (my man cave - adding insult to injury) smoking her day away because I let our cable tv bill lapse, makes it so hard to not bum off her and eventually get back into the habit myself.

Excuses, excuses - I know. I quit for two years without her quitting before. I just have to find that mindset to overcome the obstacles I perceive.

I have done the impossible before and on so many levels I need to reconnect with that part of me again.

Thank you so much omen for discussing all this with me. You definitely are helping me find my resolve to do the right thing(s)!

Dunno what kind of ann e-cig you were using but I use an innokin itazte vv 3 which costs £50 in a kit with the charger and 5 iClear16 tanks. Occasionally get the tiniest bit of leakage but that's uncommon and for me it's a nicer smoke than a regular cigarette. I've dropped it and it hasn't broken, and it definitely works out far cheaper than cigarettes almost immediately. I made a thread in EADD that has some diiscussion on them, might be useful to have a look in there.

You deserve serious plaudits for getting through the hard times you have been through, I can only imagine the stress/grief. I would urge you to do what you need to do to begin recovery from your addiction before getting employment though. I know it's easy to say that when I don't have a family to support, but it really is essential that you get control of your habit before getting employed otherwise there's a high chance of it all going wrong further down the line. If you're still relying on amphetamine for things like a job interview it suggests you have some work left to do.

Here's to hoping it is your last one though, keep doing what you are doing and searching for support from wherever you can find it. Wishing you luck wiith the interview.

 

[herbavore]

I am in a better place emotionally than when I first posted. But this last week has not been easy. I hate being at his house -each time more empty than the time before, each time a little bit less of him present- but my last day there it was weird knowing that I would never enter that house again. I spent a good bit of time just standing in the bathroom closet looking for scars of him that my buddy and I were not able to fully cover up or wash away. We did a great job in the closet and if the original stains on the wall and the pools of red liquid on the carpet were not burned in my brain, no one would ever know what had happened in that closet.

A friend said something to me once that perfectly captured the way some one's whole rich existence can be simply erased from the world: "the world lets go of us like dropping a feather". I can imagine how surreal the lack of stains made you feel. I had to clean out my son's apartment and while there was no blood to clean there were so many needles that I thought I would never come to the end of finding them. The last time I had to shut and lock that door, knowing that I would never be there again was a harsh reality. I drive by the building now, see the lights of other lives in "his" windows and it is as if he were never there.

I've been struggling with motivation and lethargy greatly over the last week as I have been taking very little if any Adderall butI'm not in that darkest dark hole.

This journey through both shock and grief will knock you flat in waves for quite some time to come. The best thing that you can do is to ride those waves fully whatever they bring--when they bring anger, let it come and let it go, same for pure sadness, emptiness, panic, irritability or raw vulnerability--they all have their place in the process of surviving and going forward with your own life.

Give yourself the gift of help right now and get some concrete tools that you can use as you go through this time. Look for someone that teaches Mindfulness techniques--that was a godsend for me.

 

[Azure Cloud]

Dunno what kind of ann e-cig you were using but I use an innokin itazte vv 3 which costs £50 in a kit with the charger and 5 iClear16 tanks. Occasionally get the tiniest bit of leakage but that's uncommon and for me it's a nicer smoke than a regular cigarette. I've dropped it and it hasn't broken, and it definitely works out far cheaper than cigarettes almost immediately. I made a thread in EADD that has some diiscussion on them, might be useful to have a look in there.

You deserve serious plaudits for getting through the hard times you have been through, I can only imagine the stress/grief. I would urge you to do what you need to do to begin recovery from your addiction before getting employment though. I know it's easy to say that when I don't have a family to support, but it really is essential that you get control of your habit before getting employed otherwise there's a high chance of it all going wrong further down the line. If you're still relying on amphetamine for things like a job interview it suggests you have some work left to do.

Here's to hoping it is your last one though, keep doing watt you are doing and searching for support from wherever you can find it. Wishing you luck wiith the interview.

Omen Owen, I appreciate the suggestions on the ecigs. However I'll probably just try to go cold turkey once I get enough space between me and the Adderall. I have quit cigs this way before and actually find the withdrawal process very empowering. I know that I will have to be exercising regularly to get past my Adderall dependence and that in itself will be very helpful when I am ready to put down the cigarettes.

I know getting help before employment would be for the best. Needing the Adderall before today's interview is not a good omen (unlike you my friend) but right now I am still so damn tired on the days I don't take any. Luckily, if I do pass to the next phase of interviews, I have until the end of the month to get my shit together.

 

[Azure Cloud]

A friend said something to me once that perfectly captured the way some one's whole rich existence can be simply erased from the world: "the world lets go of us like dropping a feather". I can imagine how surreal the lack of stains made you feel. I had to clean out my son's apartment and while there was no blood to clean there were so many needles that I thought I would never come to the end of finding them. The last time I had to shut and lock that door, knowing that I would never be there again was a harsh reality. I drive by the building now, see the lights of other lives in "his" windows and it is as if he were never there.



This journey through both shock and grief will knock you flat in waves for quite some time to come. The best thing that you can do is to ride those waves fully whatever they bring--when they bring anger, let it come and let it go, same for pure sadness, emptiness, panic, irritability or raw vulnerability--they all have their place in the process of surviving and going forward with your own life.

Give yourself the gift of help right now and get some concrete tools that you can use as you go through this time. Look for someone that teaches Mindfulness techniques--that was a godsend for me.

"The world lets us go like feathers"...Herbavore, that is beautiful and melancholy all at once.

I am so glad you choose to reply to my postings. I lost my brother and the grief can be shattering at times, but I can't imagine losing my son. You are inspiring to say the least. I am in awe of how well you seem to hold yourself together. I know it must of been a difficult process but you have definitely found a life worth living. Your posts in TDS are poetically beautiful and your advice is always, as I read it, right on target.

The grief does hit in waves. Sometimes I know to expect it. Like working on his estate or meeting with mutual business acquaintances. Sometimes it comes unexpected out of nowhere. I do try to not hinder the feelings a they flow thru me.

After today's interview, I will have some time to devote to my recovery. I have the resources presently to do so. Finding help for myself is the best thing I can do for myself and my family.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Omen Owen, I appreciate the suggestions on the ecigs. However I'll probably just try to go cold turkey once I get enough space between me and the Adderall. I have quit cigs this way before and actually find the withdrawal process very empowering. I know that I will have to be exercising regularly to get past my Adderall dependence and that in itself will be very helpful when I am ready to put down the cigarettes.

I'm not even using them to try and quit, just a healthier way of feeding my nicotine addiction!

I do believe research shows that success rates for quitting cigarettes are higher going ct than using some sort of replacement therapy so sounds like you've made the right choice there.

Finding help for myself is the best thing I can do for myself and my family.

*thumbsup

 

[Azure Cloud]

I'm not even using them to try and quit, just a healthier way of feeding my nicotine addiction!

I do believe research shows that success rates for quitting cigarettes are higher going ct than using some sort of replacement therapy so sounds like you've made the right choice there.



*thumbsup

I heard on NPR that successful quit rates statistics are identical no matter if CT or using gum, patches or ecigs - 4-7%.

Second interview went well. I will be scheduled for a face-to-face interview with the hiring manager at the end of the month. Yay me!

Now I just need to find a therapist or recovery program and get my ass some proper exercise between now and then.

Actually I find being in personal social (even work related face-to-face) situations as one of the best alleviation techniques for temporary relief from Adderall withdrawals.

I'm off to do some landscaping for the sweet old couple before the rain sets in tonight!