Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

[Maya]

I am a very energetic happy and praising to my coworkers, but they are lazy and i hate asking someone to do something more than once. Hell if they want a raise they need to prove a better work ethic. I can only give so much the other en is not doing it's part.

@Maya I would hire you in a heartbeat

Speaking of that, our owners are lucky to have me as a worker. I only called in sick once in my six year career in that place but not even a single appreciation like "hey maya thank you for finding out thr issue" but instead "why was this not told to us right away blah blah blah. Oh well brushing it off and playing the "deaf game"

 

[Maya]

I am a very energetic happy and praising to my coworkers, but they are lazy and i hate asking someone to do something more than once. Hell if they want a raise they need to prove a better work ethic. I can only give so much the other en is not doing it's part.

@Maya I would hire you in a heartbeat

Speaking of that, our owners are lucky to have me as a worker. I only called in sick once in my six year career in that place but not even a single appreciation like "hey maya thank you for finding out thr issue" but instead "why was this not told to us right away blah blah blah. Oh well brushing it off and playing the "deaf game"

 

[gr33n3y3z]

Yea Maya I really appreciate employees like you, works hard and comes into work no matter how bad their day went. I notice great employees that I can cross train for management or upgrade them to a higher position. But unfortunately I have a few employees that are wonderful and are deserving of a higher position that I'm working on moving them up.

Talk to your boss Maya, if you need any advice just PM me I've been in management for 5 plus years now, hopefully I can help you achieve a raise or a different position that you deserve.

 

[Maya]

^thanks Greeney, id let you know for sure. I've been thinking about my work situation a lot and I do realize that I have to change the way I think about some frustrating things at work. If I am going to stay for six months, I have to learn how to brush things off because at the end of the day it is just work, work that we need to get to our goals and enjoy our lives.

I think what also makes it harder for me is that I was used to having two of my other coworkers backing me up woth work and the work environment was in a different dynamic. I think that it's about time for me to accept that they may or may not come back and that it is up to me to be negative about it or learn more from eveyday work trials.

 

[kace]

^Kace, you could be honest about that while still reserving your right to privacy? Saying something like, 'I am in the process of healing myself in many ways' and leave it at that. If later on you get to know them better and want to open up a little more, then you can, but you do not owe them anything else. If they are concerned about you just accept it as that and continue to follow your own instincts. Trusting others may be an issue that contributes to your pain though so I would not rule out pushing yourself out of your comfort zone just a smidgeon. There is a difference between nosy and imposing and caring and concerned and only you can know what your situation is but it is worth exploring with an open heart and mind.Do you have any counseling available to you? It can help to get an outside perspective. That is a lot to deal with on your own.

Yeah I wish I had said that. One of my housemates found me smoking opiates, so I can't hide it. I just told him I moved out there to get off it, but yeah I'm pretty ashamed to be around him and ny of the other people.
I know I need counselling, but they won't help me till I'm off the drugs. "Catch 22" they keep saying, as I use drugs to deal with my problems. I'm so sick of this cycle.

 

[Corazon]

The fucking summer is over, and I feel horrible.
I'm extremely close to FINALLY getting the part-time job that is going to free up enough resources where I will be able to put my plan into action and actually get some life changing money with my skills.
I can't afford a mental setback at this time. I have to fight through this and stay sane.

 

[Xorkoth]

Yeah I wish I had said that. One of my housemates found me smoking opiates, so I can't hide it. I just told him I moved out there to get off it, but yeah I'm pretty ashamed to be around him and ny of the other people.
I know I need counselling, but they won't help me till I'm off the drugs. "Catch 22" they keep saying, as I use drugs to deal with my problems. I'm so sick of this cycle.

That sounds sketchy, they won't give you counseling til you're off drugs? But isn't getting off drugs what you need counseling for? That's dumb. I started counseling right after I got off opiates, fortunately I used ibogaine to get off opiates which worked like a miracle but my therapist was happy to help even if I had still been on them.

 

[Maya]

The fucking summer is over, and I feel horrible.
I'm extremely close to FINALLY getting the part-time job that is going to free up enough resources where I will be able to put my plan into action and actually get some life changing money with my skills.
I can't afford a mental setback at this time. I have to fight through this and stay sane.

Huh? Summer isnt over yet aint it? It feels like it's just startin up again in Van. what is the part time job you are close to getting? well good luck hun i hope you get it!!!

 

[monie]

I can't think of an apt title for this.. It's just.. weird.

My brother in law checked into detox today. He was shooting heroin, and got arrested last week for drunk driving. He's 23, and was in jail for 4 years because he got high one night and thought it a good idea to rob a drug dealer at gun point. My parents in law are quite wealthy, and live very well, but addiction doesn't care about that, I guess.. Anyway, he got out of jail about 2 Christmases ago, and was doing GREAT till recently. I found out about his heroin use last night because I sent him an email to ask how he was doing, and he wrote back an epistle about how a few months ago, he started snorting an occasional 'roxie', which graduated into shooting heroin.. A pretty fast transition...

Anyway, my husband (his brother) has been clean for about 6 years now.. well, if daily suboxone use can be called being clean. He's 33, and one of the smartest people I know.. He's a software VP of one of the largest financial institutions in the country, and seriously kicks ass at what he does.. Really.. he's been making 6 figures since he was in his early 20s.. I'm in awe of his brain, and I'm hopelessly in love with him. We have a daughter (she's 4) who he simply adores, and who I think of as his 'anti drug', because I know she's a HUGE motivation for him staying clean..

..My vent: I love my husband very much.. VERY much, but getting the news from D last night sort of sent me into this tailspin of depression.. My daughter is almost exactly like my husband in everything.. they look alike, they think alike, they like the same things, they hate the same things, all of that.. I'm terrified about her growing up and using.. I know that sounds REALLY far fetched and almost selfish, but I'm terrified about her growing up and doing half of anything he did. (He's done EVERYTHING and has been at one time or the other, hooked on EVERYTHING.. DOC, always opiates, but he doesn't discriminate, really)..

I don't know why that email made me sad and depressed... I came on this board today to join because I'm looking for ways to support my brother in law when he gets out of detox, but I stumbled on this vent thread, and everyone seems to be sharing deep, dark, secrets, so I thought I'd give it a try.. I'm deeply ashamed that I feel like this, because I know its not his fault that he's had these problems.. But I just want to take my daughter and hold her tight.. keep her from everything out there.. And I know I can't, and it scares me so much.. So much.. I used to watch that show 'Intervention' (there was some interest because of my husband's past struggles), and I'd see all these girls that started out so sweet and innocent, and who grew up to do the most horrible stuff because of their addictions.. and the parents would talk about feeling guilty because of their past addictions and stuff.. I never gave it much thought till last night.. Now, I find myself wondering if it really is genetic, and if she's predisposed to it because of my husband..

Ugh.. I need to get out of this funk.. I need to stop thinking like this.. What brought this on??!! These issues aren't new.. Why all of a sudden am I freaking out?

I'm sorry for being all over the place.. I am.. I can't talk to him about this because I dont' want to hurt him.. I mean.. why? He's never exposed her to anything.. he's been nothing but an amazing dad.. How can I look him in the eyes and say something like that? it'd break his heart.. Ugggh!! I am freaking out!

 

[plmar]

Pissed off with myself and how my brain functions.
Can't get myself to get up off my ass and exercise or do anything unless I've had alcohol and that's no good for you.
I'm hopeless and feel like shit all the time, just about out of money and it looks like it'll only get worse. All I want to do is live a self destructive lifestyle tbh.

 

[Corazon]

Huh? Summer isnt over yet aint it? It feels like it's just startin up again in Van. what is the part time job you are close to getting? well good luck hun i hope you get it!!!

Yea, a friend in Seattle said it was warm over there .
-I think I was just frustrated. We still have a few days of 85, and a fair amount of 80s left in the forecast.
The job is pretty basic, but it will be the first time I've been employed since becoming disabled 12 years ago. I need the money so I'm able to do my more serious business plans (which are impossible on a social security check after living expenses), but it's also a big step in general for me.
My life takes a lot of strong belief in order to move forward confidently right now, and for a couple days I had let that waiver and things looked fucked up and scary. I'm doing better now in that department. thx

 

[Xorkoth]

My brother in law checked into detox today. He was shooting heroin, and got arrested last week for drunk driving. He's 23, and was in jail for 4 years because he got high one night and thought it a good idea to rob a drug dealer at gun point. My parents in law are quite wealthy, and live very well, but addiction doesn't care about that, I guess.. Anyway, he got out of jail about 2 Christmases ago, and was doing GREAT till recently. I found out about his heroin use last night because I sent him an email to ask how he was doing, and he wrote back an epistle about how a few months ago, he started snorting an occasional 'roxie', which graduated into shooting heroin.. A pretty fast transition...

Anyway, my husband (his brother) has been clean for about 6 years now.. well, if daily suboxone use can be called being clean. He's 33, and one of the smartest people I know.. He's a software VP of one of the largest financial institutions in the country, and seriously kicks ass at what he does.. Really.. he's been making 6 figures since he was in his early 20s.. I'm in awe of his brain, and I'm hopelessly in love with him. We have a daughter (she's 4) who he simply adores, and who I think of as his 'anti drug', because I know she's a HUGE motivation for him staying clean..

..My vent: I love my husband very much.. VERY much, but getting the news from D last night sort of sent me into this tailspin of depression.. My daughter is almost exactly like my husband in everything.. they look alike, they think alike, they like the same things, they hate the same things, all of that.. I'm terrified about her growing up and using.. I know that sounds REALLY far fetched and almost selfish, but I'm terrified about her growing up and doing half of anything he did. (He's done EVERYTHING and has been at one time or the other, hooked on EVERYTHING.. DOC, always opiates, but he doesn't discriminate, really)..

I don't know why that email made me sad and depressed... I came on this board today to join because I'm looking for ways to support my brother in law when he gets out of detox, but I stumbled on this vent thread, and everyone seems to be sharing deep, dark, secrets, so I thought I'd give it a try.. I'm deeply ashamed that I feel like this, because I know its not his fault that he's had these problems.. But I just want to take my daughter and hold her tight.. keep her from everything out there.. And I know I can't, and it scares me so much.. So much.. I used to watch that show 'Intervention' (there was some interest because of my husband's past struggles), and I'd see all these girls that started out so sweet and innocent, and who grew up to do the most horrible stuff because of their addictions.. and the parents would talk about feeling guilty because of their past addictions and stuff.. I never gave it much thought till last night.. Now, I find myself wondering if it really is genetic, and if she's predisposed to it because of my husband..

Ugh.. I need to get out of this funk.. I need to stop thinking like this.. What brought this on??!! These issues aren't new.. Why all of a sudden am I freaking out?

I'm sorry for being all over the place.. I am.. I can't talk to him about this because I dont' want to hurt him.. I mean.. why? He's never exposed her to anything.. he's been nothing but an amazing dad.. How can I look him in the eyes and say something like that? it'd break his heart.. Ugggh!! I am freaking out!

Hi, and welcome to Bluelight. I think the feelings you're having are natural, and it seems like they were kicked up by this recent bit of jarring news. Drug addiction is a frightening thing, I should know, I was addicted to opiate for 10 years (thankfully very little heroin and no shooting up), and just recently (3 months ago) quit for good. I kind of agree that you shouldn't bring it up with your husband, unless it doesn't go away after a while, in that case it might be best to gently bring up that you're scared, you may find that he is too, I know that when I have kids it will be on mind, because three of my uncles (2 on one side and 1 on the other) have had or have drug problems, and a number of my cousins as well (but neither of my siblings nor my parents). But, I do feel like, being so experienced with the negative aspects of drugs, I have a lot of insight into the reality of addiction, and that will help me to know how to steer my future child(ren) in the right direction. For example my little brother is 7 1/2 years younger than me and we're very close, and I was able to exert influence on him in such a way that he enjoys marijuana and alcohol, but is always responsible about it and has never had any interest in getting into harder drugs. And that was DURING the depths of my addiction.

 

[Corazon]

My brother in law checked into detox today. He was shooting heroin, and got arrested last week for drunk driving. He's 23, and was in jail for 4 years because he got high one night and thought it a good idea to rob a drug dealer at gun point. My parents in law are quite wealthy, and live very well, but addiction doesn't care about that, I guess.. Anyway, he got out of jail about 2 Christmases ago, and was doing GREAT till recently. I found out about his heroin use last night because I sent him an email to ask how he was doing, and he wrote back an epistle about how a few months ago, he started snorting an occasional 'roxie', which graduated into shooting heroin.. A pretty fast transition...

Anyway, my husband (his brother) has been clean for about 6 years now.. well, if daily suboxone use can be called being clean. He's 33, and one of the smartest people I know.. He's a software VP of one of the largest financial institutions in the country, and seriously kicks ass at what he does.. Really.. he's been making 6 figures since he was in his early 20s.. I'm in awe of his brain, and I'm hopelessly in love with him. We have a daughter (she's 4) who he simply adores, and who I think of as his 'anti drug', because I know she's a HUGE motivation for him staying clean..

..My vent: I love my husband very much.. VERY much, but getting the news from D last night sort of sent me into this tailspin of depression.. My daughter is almost exactly like my husband in everything.. they look alike, they think alike, they like the same things, they hate the same things, all of that.. I'm terrified about her growing up and using.. I know that sounds REALLY far fetched and almost selfish, but I'm terrified about her growing up and doing half of anything he did. (He's done EVERYTHING and has been at one time or the other, hooked on EVERYTHING.. DOC, always opiates, but he doesn't discriminate, really)..

I don't know why that email made me sad and depressed... I came on this board today to join because I'm looking for ways to support my brother in law when he gets out of detox, but I stumbled on this vent thread, and everyone seems to be sharing deep, dark, secrets, so I thought I'd give it a try.. I'm deeply ashamed that I feel like this, because I know its not his fault that he's had these problems.. But I just want to take my daughter and hold her tight.. keep her from everything out there.. And I know I can't, and it scares me so much.. So much.. I used to watch that show 'Intervention' (there was some interest because of my husband's past struggles), and I'd see all these girls that started out so sweet and innocent, and who grew up to do the most horrible stuff because of their addictions.. and the parents would talk about feeling guilty because of their past addictions and stuff.. I never gave it much thought till last night.. Now, I find myself wondering if it really is genetic, and if she's predisposed to it because of my husband..

Ugh.. I need to get out of this funk.. I need to stop thinking like this.. What brought this on??!! These issues aren't new.. Why all of a sudden am I freaking out?

I'm sorry for being all over the place.. I am.. I can't talk to him about this because I dont' want to hurt him.. I mean.. why? He's never exposed her to anything.. he's been nothing but an amazing dad.. How can I look him in the eyes and say something like that? it'd break his heart.. Ugggh!! I am freaking out!

She probably is somewhat predisposed towards addictions like heroin. She's also probably predisposed towards a lot of good things like intelligence as well.
You will have to educate your daughter over the years. Luckily at 4 years old, she probably will not have to manage a script, or turn down roxies at a party any time in the very near future.

Are you also possibly nervous about your husband's suboxone maintenance?

 

[herbavore]

My brother in law checked into detox today. He was shooting heroin, and got arrested last week for drunk driving. He's 23, and was in jail for 4 years because he got high one night and thought it a good idea to rob a drug dealer at gun point. My parents in law are quite wealthy, and live very well, but addiction doesn't care about that, I guess.. Anyway, he got out of jail about 2 Christmases ago, and was doing GREAT till recently. I found out about his heroin use last night because I sent him an email to ask how he was doing, and he wrote back an epistle about how a few months ago, he started snorting an occasional 'roxie', which graduated into shooting heroin.. A pretty fast transition...

Anyway, my husband (his brother) has been clean for about 6 years now.. well, if daily suboxone use can be called being clean. He's 33, and one of the smartest people I know.. He's a software VP of one of the largest financial institutions in the country, and seriously kicks ass at what he does.. Really.. he's been making 6 figures since he was in his early 20s.. I'm in awe of his brain, and I'm hopelessly in love with him. We have a daughter (she's 4) who he simply adores, and who I think of as his 'anti drug', because I know she's a HUGE motivation for him staying clean..

..My vent: I love my husband very much.. VERY much, but getting the news from D last night sort of sent me into this tailspin of depression.. My daughter is almost exactly like my husband in everything.. they look alike, they think alike, they like the same things, they hate the same things, all of that.. I'm terrified about her growing up and using.. I know that sounds REALLY far fetched and almost selfish, but I'm terrified about her growing up and doing half of anything he did. (He's done EVERYTHING and has been at one time or the other, hooked on EVERYTHING.. DOC, always opiates, but he doesn't discriminate, really)..

I don't know why that email made me sad and depressed... I came on this board today to join because I'm looking for ways to support my brother in law when he gets out of detox, but I stumbled on this vent thread, and everyone seems to be sharing deep, dark, secrets, so I thought I'd give it a try.. I'm deeply ashamed that I feel like this, because I know its not his fault that he's had these problems.. But I just want to take my daughter and hold her tight.. keep her from everything out there.. And I know I can't, and it scares me so much.. So much.. I used to watch that show 'Intervention' (there was some interest because of my husband's past struggles), and I'd see all these girls that started out so sweet and innocent, and who grew up to do the most horrible stuff because of their addictions.. and the parents would talk about feeling guilty because of their past addictions and stuff.. I never gave it much thought till last night.. Now, I find myself wondering if it really is genetic, and if she's predisposed to it because of my husband..

Ugh.. I need to get out of this funk.. I need to stop thinking like this.. What brought this on??!! These issues aren't new.. Why all of a sudden am I freaking out?

I'm sorry for being all over the place.. I am.. I can't talk to him about this because I dont' want to hurt him.. I mean.. why? He's never exposed her to anything.. he's been nothing but an amazing dad.. How can I look him in the eyes and say something like that? it'd break his heart.. Ugggh!! I am freaking out!

I completely understand your fear--in general but especially as a parent. Unfortunately fear is your worst enemy in all this because it does nothing positive for you or the object of your concern. I had to learn that the hard way with first my brother and then my late son. All that worry can kill you so the best advice I have is to get some counseling for yourself so that you can be very clear about what you can and can't control (basically nothing but your own reactions to whatever life brings).

I think a positive that could come out of counseling for you is a way to handle worry and fight depression but also you could discuss ways to talk to your husband about your fears. He probably shares them to be honest.

Welcome to Bluelight and especially to TDS.

 

[Corazon]

Life is really horribly uncomfortable right now.
I am doing the right things and moving in the right direction, and in 6 months to a year I should have a more enjoyable life, but I have been very negative and impatient lately.

 

[kace]

^ Me too, I just can't seem to be happy and sort myself out.
I have a problem with talking to other people. I just don't know what to say once whe have gotten past the first getting to know them stage. For example, my new housemates that I've lived with for about 6 weeks now and my boyfriends friends. I would love to make friends with all of them but people seem to dislike me after a month. Argh I wish I wasn't such a freak and annoying person.

 

[Corazon]

^ Me too, I just can't seem to be happy and sort myself out.
I have a problem with talking to other people. I just don't know what to say once whe have gotten past the first getting to know them stage. For example, my new housemates that I've lived with for about 6 weeks now and my boyfriends friends. I would love to make friends with all of them but people seem to dislike me after a month. Argh I wish I wasn't such a freak and annoying person.

lol I am a total freak. I'm literally a mutant lol(that sounds bad, but is not as bad as it sounds), but I generally try reasonably hard to fit in. I generally have good bonds and close friends, but I don't presently have any friends. (that sounds bad, i guess it is, but not as bad as it sounds). I just don't accept my reality, and I'm very uncomfortable and have not been blending into society either by the way society sees me or by the way I see society. Kind of working to improve things on my own terms, so that I can be myself, and trying to not go totally insane during the wait.
Do you have any best friends? How is it going with finding counseling for your eating disorder?

 

[neversickanymore]

Check engine lights, when lit up, suck ass.. fucking neverending struggle of life.

 

[Xorkoth]

Yeah, right? My check engine light comes on every so often but then the next time I turn my car on, it's off. I can't afford to do anything major right now anyway so I hope it doesn't mean anything. I hardly ever happens.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Angry at myself. Was tapering off my med n then took 10mg yesterday. Wanted sleep but I've woke up with a hangover feeling like as if I've been drinking. Ugh!

Evey