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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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I'm starting to wonder if I'm part of the percentage of drug users that never gets clean or even mostly clean. I need a psych appointment. I got one but I think the doc and me won't be on the same page so I need to get another appointment as a back up. If the first one works out I cancel the second.
 
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So I fuckin relapsed again and after a fairly long binge im now on day 1 of the dope sick and fucking hating life right now. I wouldnt even contemplate stoping if I had the funds and it wasnt destroying every single thing in my life. But I want something to look forward to and with dope in my life that just isnt possible. But FUCK its hard being back at day one. And so it begins again. Wish me luck guys, the next few days are gonna be a fucking nightmare.
 
30 minutes to wait for a Goodman script??? What really that pharmacy was fully staffed and not busy.
My 4 year old is running around the store like a maniac grabbing every toy on the shelf...is this how they make they're business lol waiting for a parents breaking point and grab -said toy- to find some peace of mind? Erghh on top of that It's humid and hot.
 
person i lovemost in this world is in the hospital in terrible pain. fentanyl injection, ms contin, percocet, helps briefly then pain is back @ 10 crying, screaming. i can't take it, it's killing me... i just prayed for the lord to end the suffering. a volunteer came by, cancer survivor told us how he saw the light, his father, and all the flowers growing because nothing dies on the other side, we prayed together and cried.

life can change in the blink of an eye, you really don't know how good you have it until tragedy strikes.
 
Corazon said:
I HATE THIS SHIT FUCK FUCK
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no more hate from me

I totally turned around my attitude about life. I LOVE my life, I LOVE life, I LOVE these people, I LOVE this shit.

I love the fact that I have tremendous adversity. It's like getting to play your favorite game or whatever at the highest skill level. It will be that much more satisfying when goals start to come to fruition.

I love it. I have a powerful brain. I have a skill. Right now I do not get to have money or sex or a social life, and there are a lot of risks to basic things like housing, and medical coverage, but I am able to be patient and focus and not get upset at how slow the system is moving. It just makes me stronger and more focused. If I didn't have all this adversity, I wouldn't have come to this epiphany in the first place. I would be the same weak victim, only with a lot more to lose. Having nothing, and having to wait is making me strong. It's giving me the hunger and the time and the opportunity to sort out how I deal with adversity, and developing a desperate obsessive focus on my goals.

I <3 it.
 
3 days clean...idk how much longer I can do this. This is tough :Xdrugs make me feel 'normal' and happy. What the fuck???
 
gr33n3y3z said:
This is tough :Xdrugs make me feel ..happy.
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When you reflect on this do you think its true?

You can do this green<3... its a phase, it gets so much better.. in order to break the cycle all us addicts must make it through at some point. When we do life starts to get better instead of worse.. not all rainbows, winning lottery tickets, and tripple orgasms.. but the whole spectrum of our lives imroves.. is it hard in the beginning.. hell yes girl.. but nothing you can't persevere over.

Keep it really simple, don't create misery worrying about things that you have no control over as if you make it all will be good, maybe not the way you see it, most likely better. Your amazing, your strong, and you can and will do this.. no time like the rite now as there is never a "good" time to do this, but there is never a better time than rite now.. sure there are a billion reasons we can come up with to put it off, but in reality letting our lives deteriorate and become more unbearable to wait for a fantasy day when we will be ready to do this will only make us suffer more as things will get worse and that magic day never comes.. the time is right when we decide its right.. its going to be tough, but it gets better quick even though it feels like it never will. In a pretty short time you will feal much better, in a little more time and effort you will feal great.. with a little more of a push and some more effort you will likely find yourself in a place you thought was fiction.. for now just keep it simple.. keep your thoughts in the moment and keep moving forward no matter how slow you are. There is nothing but more and worsening shit back there and you know this.. there is no free ride out ever.. no good time.. no time like the present.. draw that line in the sand, never going back again no matter what.. im going to feal uncomfortable, I'm going to need to change the way I think and approach life.. but right here, right now.. im committed for the long haul.. you can do this, when you do you will realize how incredibly strong you actually are, and you will work into a place where you can live in peace and its not that far or to hard by any means for you, amazing green eyes, to get to.

Make the stand to keep moving forward G no matter what.. commit to getting to where you want and need to be and make it the only priority.. everything else seems to work itself out.. you got this!!<3
 
Love Corazon's post too! I should also try to turn all the negativity that I grasp from my job. It's tough but if I have to survive until next year I have to find away to work around the stress. Besides, it's not them suffering but me, Iam putting more stress on myself than making an effort to change my way of thinking, on how to work and do the best I can and if something happens then just continue to learn from it.
 
Maya said:
Aww hugs afterstyle, when do you get to visit home? Maybe you can take a few days off and be with your family.
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Can't afford the flights back home right now but I'll be moving back in exactly two months, feeling much better today thanks Maya <3
 
Your welcome hun ♡♡ glad u r feeling better. I would get home sick too if I had been away for quite sometime. The good thing is you are in the same country so it's easier to make visits.
 
indicameds said:
So I fuckin relapsed again and after a fairly long binge im now on day 1 of the dope sick and fucking hating life right now. I wouldnt even contemplate stoping if I had the funds and it wasnt destroying every single thing in my life. But I want something to look forward to and with dope in my life that just isnt possible. But FUCK its hard being back at day one. And so it begins again. Wish me luck guys, the next few days are gonna be a fucking nightmare.
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I keep going through days 1 through 3 and then going back to dope. So it's pretty much two days of feeling miserable, depressed, can barely get out of bed, complete disconnect from the world with no desire to do anything. I just look out at the nice summer day and feel fucking worse that I can't enjoy it. Then I feel somewhat normal or more normal for a day, and then I go back to dope. Then when all my money goes, I do that again.

Then I get a paycheck and repeat.

I sometimes wonder if part of me is addicted to a chaotic lifestyle or addicted to the depression. I sure as fuck don't know why I keep putting myself through all of this.


Good luck dude. It's not easy, but I do know it is worth it if you can make it over the hump. I need to knock that message into my head.
 
What do you mean?

Do you mean that when I'm not on drugs and am a fully functioning person, I'll discover that I'm only of mediocre talents and abilities and drugs weren't holding me back as much as I thought? I am slightly fearful of that, but I am not even living a mediocre life at this point. Mediocre would be a step up from where I am now. I'm not bottom of the barrel, but I'm not much higher. So no, and no I wouldn't strive for mediocrity, I'd aim higher. Though I think I have a fear of failing at something that I truly try at. Maybe you meant something completely different from all of this.
 
she could mean are you afraid of falling in between. with no regard to trying. being a disaster and being a success are both identities. being alright is nothing. best coupled with an unobtainable and/or skewed perception of success.
 
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what is it with these people that bid for your stuff on well know auction sites then dont contact you and dont respond ot maild, theirn listed telepphone number is disconnected as well...grrrrrrrr

I wouldn't be so bothered but this is for a car FFS, l'm hoping the bidder that just lost out might still want it or I'll have to start over again and raise all the non paying bidder forms which takes an enternity
 
So I moved out of the shithole in the city to the countryside. It's nice here, so much better in fact. I love the outdoors, the animals, the beauty everywhere. One thing which has been an issue I really need to sort out is how I come across to my new housemates (one is a live in landlord). It didn't take long to catch on that I'm not normal and something is wrong with me. From day one they picked up on my low weight and lack of eating.. ahh.. I dont want them knowing anything about the bad side of me, but they arent stupid. What do I do? I just need space and some time to myself in order to recover physically from illness, as well as learning to deal and reduce my addictions, eating disorder, depression, anxiety and problems causing me to use, I appreciate the kindness and thought, but it's not helping with them on my back. How do I get them off my back kindly?
 
^Kace, you could be honest about that while still reserving your right to privacy? Saying something like, 'I am in the process of healing myself in many ways' and leave it at that. If later on you get to know them better and want to open up a little more, then you can, but you do not owe them anything else. If they are concerned about you just accept it as that and continue to follow your own instincts. Trusting others may be an issue that contributes to your pain though so I would not rule out pushing yourself out of your comfort zone just a smidgeon. There is a difference between nosy and imposing and caring and concerned and only you can know what your situation is but it is worth exploring with an open heart and mind.Do you have any counseling available to you? It can help to get an outside perspective. That is a lot to deal with on your own.<3
 
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