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Say something you can't say to their face

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Did you honestly think I didn't know? Just because I don't call you out when you lie it doesn't mean I'm stupid. I know you relapsed. I was so proud of you. I really thought maybe you were going to go places. I had faith in you. It truly saddens me to watch you head back down this road. You just aren't going to be happy until you're in jail. How have you not learned after all these lawyer bills, jail the first time, and now probation when you're lucky to not be in jail. Open your eyes. Stop destroying yourself. How many chances do you think you will get? What do you think is going happen when you fail a drug test? You know what every junkie around here does. Just a matter of time before they get a confirmed on you. How could you be so foolish as to build up a new clientele from probation of all places? I don't even know what to say to you. I guess you're right. Distance is the best thing for us. As I begin my methadone detox you are probably the worst thing for me. I am just so sad and wish you would stop trying to take shortcuts. Getting money to open up a business is hard but by doing it your way you'll just be spending it on more lawyers. Please open your eyes.
 
I know I need to say goodbye to you for so many reasons. It is of course getting more shitty feeling. And you disrespect me an devalue and degrade and treat me so much more disrespectfully than you even can comprehend which is frustrating. I dunno though. You can be a tough one to figure out. Not sure if it's because you really are a torn person or you really are that fucked up. But you seem to think the nice things you have done for me somehow void out the absolutely awful things you have done which, again, you aren't even courageous enough to see in yourself that you do. There's this one side if you then this other. But then again maybe you're just that good. I'm not easily fooled usually though. But as you've gone down that one road you've again become more of a dick again. The real, humble you who does right is a really great man. This version of you trying to fill tho void but unwilling to Face the nature of the void is not going to end up going well. And I feel it coming. And so do you. Please....be honest with me. There are so many things I want to know but I can't ask you. Sigh. Man.... you really are so nice to be with .... but I'm thinking I really have to say goodbye. This sucks. I don't want to. The good is really good. But damn it..sigh.... I knew the direction taken should have been different. I said that to you a lot. It was too much to stop though.

I really miss you. YOU. And yes, I love you. Just, love.

My God please give me something happy to lift me in this life right now. So many years things have been so insanely difficult and just one unontollable crisis after the next. Perhaps it was not the best way to feel that happiness and hope I haven't felt for twenty years... but my God it was so comforting and lovely. Just so lovely. You know what I mean God. The sameness was so extraordinary and amazing and such a pleasure. Such a joy. Finally it was the same. And it felt so soulful.

Please. God something has to give. There's so much more than people know. This is just too much to bear. Please give me the strength and please give me some of that kind of beautiful feeling. Now. Please. Anperson can only go in so long with so many high level Hells happening simultaneously that makes any sort of healthy release impossible. I am so tired. Please send it back....please for once without being fucked... im sorry for my event mistakes butninhavebtried so hard for so long to be SO GOOD. This pain is too much.

Please bless me with the ability to have that part of my life back again, without harm, I dream of and despair over the loss of the thing that always was so beautiful and incredible. I want my sentence to be over. I'm begging you have mercy..... I need that part of life. It is so much to me. Help me. Please help me. I can... but I don't want to be strong anymore.

Please and thank you God... :-*

:(
 
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I will always love you. I'm not angry for the burglary and the lies. It's the heroin addiction talking. I love you and I would tell you if I knew where you lived. Homeless? Jail? Apartment? Dead?

What I cannot say to your face is that I do not think you will ever recover. I'll never give up hope. That said, I don't think you will try recovery again. I couldn't believe you, either, as nearly every word from you is a lie...as you explained to me years ago.
 
You and your moronic buddies are fuckwits. I hope you all turn on each other like you did everyone else and collapse into a black hole of your own diseased overinflated egos.
 
I love you, but you're a total loser. You spend more time talking about all the things you want but never get off your ass and do anything to make it happen. I'm tired of supporting this family on my own. You're so self involved that you pretend not to notice that you have completely destroyed me. The person I used to be before I met you has been obliterated because of your selfishness. It's my fault that I stay, but it's your fault for making me feel like I have to because you make all these promises that you never keep and you use our children as leverage. Sometimes I wish you'd just go away for good instead of lying to me about everything. Life would be easier without you.
 
I know its not my fault but i feel like it is, I just wish you didnt make me actually care about you before leaving and you left me wondering why you even got involved with me if you knew in the end you were just going to toss me aside like a temporary plaything.
 
also I feel lonlier by the second, i hate saying all this out loud because then everyone goes and says "oh you know im here for you" and it all turns into a pity party, fuck that. But for real I feel like im drifting away from everybody and everything and theres nothing i can do I just feel empty and that everything is pointless. I kinda wish I had a female partner to give me at least some affection but no one seems into me and ain't shit i can do about that either. Idk why im even typing this i guess i just wanted to get off my chest. nowadays I live like a robot I just force myslef to school and then home and sit while time goes by, money and drugs and friends help alot but those are even harder to come by..
 
I've tried to have this conversation with you, but we both get too emotional.

This disease and pain has drained the lifeblood from me (and you) for almost 30 of our 36 years together, yet we've soldiered through.

I cannot continue to awaken every day disappointed that I have to "do" this pain and despair all over again. I cannot bear to see the sadness in your eyes, as you tell me "Baby, it's gonna be okay". We know it isn't. I look forward to the night, so that I don't have to wear the façade of strength and perseverance. I can just sleep, thank God, after I take my med.

It's selfish of me. I don't want to leave you all alone, but I don't know how much longer I can stay...
 
You are entitled to have an opinion, everyone does but don't presume your thoughts can turn to reality just because they make sense to you.
 
I haven't really seen anyone give up willfully either.

That's always a good thing. :)
 
I wonder if we could really make it. My mother hates you. Your sister, aunty, uncles hate me...
I don't know why. I think we're both good people but there's a disconnect. You blame it on my 3 month drug binge.
But I don't think we can stay together, if our families don't support us.
I hate when you go to their house...
cuz I know that you're all just talking shit...
and it makes me feel super insecure, and stupid.
I fucken hate that. Because I'm beautiful, nice, smart, and a hard worker. I've been loyal for 5 years... and yet... they think I'm using you?? For what? My family has more money than your family. Too much differences...
*sigh* Lets just get through halloween...
 
Why do you think it's so bad for women to be gay....it's not so bad to sucks some boobs and lick a clitoris. Why does it matter who is giving you pleasure?
 
While on top of her having sex. God I wish I was you! Why's that? So I could see what it would be like to be with me.
 
I forgot how hard it hurts when you're losing somebody you are desperately trying to hold on to.

Man, this shit is the real reason to give up.
 
After 3 months you talk to me. After only being with you one month not to mention I saved you from that psychotic bitch that abused you. I saw the abuse. So you break up with me after literally our 1 month mark because I got angry and told you to fuck off for a bit. Why? You called me a bitch and said you didn't have time to worry about me. Now you're talking to me again and my emotions are allover the place. Don't know how I feel.
 
^ Sorry to hear that ladylove. Lately I have been feeling alone even when I'm at home.

I hate discussions over small things. Hate to be the one to apologize, not necessarily because it's my fault but to move forward.
I don't like playing games, too old for that.
 
You gave me my first hydromorphone stash because you couldn't deal with my back pain anymore and wanted a nice trip to New York City. You sure got it, we had a great time and then I proceeded to ruin the next 4 years of my life with heroin abuse. I had already tried heroin, and decided I didn't like it, but the dilaudid made me realize that I just had the dose wrong. Thanks for stealing your dying grandmother's painkillers for me. I didn't even know what dilaudid was, it was a real nice surprise.

So, after 5 years of your clean time, when you asked me for that 8-ball I jumped at the opportunity. I found the best fishscale for you, and played mr nice guy while you were so happy about it. I knew you would relapse, and I wanted to see it after all the cheating, emotional abuse, secrets and lies. I happily listened to your justifications until I gave you that vial of white. I didn't give a flying fuck and still don't, because you never gave a damn about me. Just as I am getting clean after spending 4 years addicted with you, I am watching you throw your life and budding career away. I am laughing at your karma, and how stupid you could be to ask me for hard drugs while I was getting clean. Offering me more dilaudid, fucking 30 of them, to hook you up with the white. Fair trade, bitch.
 
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