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Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (Help!)

you are 100% right and from my experience most of the people who were with me at the doctors did not know what they had and jumped on it when someone gave them a diagnosis and a hope.
gmanyo said:
Yeah, that is a terrible idea. Borderline is not easily fixed (though it does mellow out, often completely, around 35 years of age) and trying to fix it by changing yourself to suit their needs is not going to work. Only a trained professional can do what is needed to help people with borderline manage. That's why I suggest trying to get a borderline person who you care about to seek help. They probably won't listen, but it's the best you can do.
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Expect said:
I've just gotten out of a 6 month relationship with a girl who was borderline.

She ended up leaving me for her abusive ex-boyfriend who raped her multiple different times and then left her.
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This is exactly the kind of behavior one can expect from someone with borderline personality disorder. And, you know, it really is a truly sad and awful thing because you can have these moments when the seas are calm and everything seems to be going well. Then, one day, the person with BPD goes and sabotages themselves and everything good in their lives, and you're left wondering what in the hell just happened.

For example, my sister was going to school, dating a nice guy, eventually landed a real good job; she bought a real nice car, starting saving money, and everything was going really well. Then, one day, she just pulled an absolute 180... starting banging dope and smoking crack, lost her job, burned through her savings account, crashed her car, got arrested... and it all happened so fast, maybe a weeks time. It was unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable.

Then, months later, she pulls it all together again. She gets clean, lands another great job, buys another new car, dates another nice guy, has a baby, becomes an excellent mother, starts saving money again, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... then she starts using again, loses her job, burns through her savings account, goes missing for days at time,... you see where this is going.

It's this kind of behavior that, now, I've come to expect from her. I hate to say that because it sounds like I have no real faith in her, but uh... that's just how it is. It sucks, really sucks...
 
Its a rough ride. You can see there is beauty in them, but can never understand why they do the things they do.
 
galaxies believing as if they don't shine...
 
itsok said:
I remember the quote from the DSM IV manual on mental disorders for borderline personality disorder -- "Don't leave me. I hate you."

lol!!!
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Exactly! It feels like she's pulling me in w/ one hand and pushing me away with the other. BANANAS...

And to clarify: I agree w/ what ppl are saying about not being a doormat, moving on, etc...at least in my logical mind. But it's easier said than done. I normally am the first to criticize women who put up with mistreatment, yet here I am torturing myself over someone who treats me like a dog. That's what love will do to a person, I guess. I'll never be so quick to judge again.

Lots of good insight about BPD here, so thank you all for that. This disorder seems to elicit more polarizing opinions than most. My personal view: I don't mind crazy people, but when "crazy" or "eccentric" turns to mean and hurtful I have a problem. The saying, "misery loves company" definitely applies to this girl. It's one thing to struggle w/ internal demons and another to go out of your way to be calculating, deceitful and aggressive to people who have been nothing but supportive and kind to you. Kind of like "murder" vs. "premeditated murder". If she'd just channel that effort into finding a job and focusing on her own emotional development, she'd be the most successful person in the world.

Meh. Pissin' in the wind I guess...:\
 
Lady Codone said:
If she'd just channel that effort into finding a job and focusing on her own emotional development, she'd be the most successful person in the world.
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I guarantee you this would be impossible. To her, the most important thing in the world is that people like her. People with Borderline often don't have a sense of self and are completely emotionally unstable, so they base their own worth on others. So when they perceive rejection, whether it's real or imagined, they're losing the only sense of self worth that they have. It becomes the most important thing in the world to them that they get others to like them because they think that they no longer have any purpose or value as a person.
 
And it sucks that they never fully understand when you're with them that you truly care about them/love them.
 
The more you give the worse you will get treated. Don't delay, get out immediately. It won't get better, only worse. And the more time you invest into this millstone of a relationship the heavier the burden becomes and at the same time, the harder it will be to break it off.
 
A lot of the time they will just blow it off as it gets to intense for them and move on. No fun. Seems like there really isn't much of a win with a BPD person, but they can get better through treatment. I'd never want to be with a BPD who isn't trying to improve, but one who is I am/was willing to be with. They are beautiful people, but have dealt with a lot of BS in their life.
 
I have grown up with someone with it, and have dated someone with it. The best option is to leave, you cannot help them. It's a life-long disorder. The more you love, the more they hurt you.
 
My mom refuses to see a psychiatrist, and she needs one badly. I'm pretty sure she's borderline, and consequently, since she refuses to see someone, I told her after my final straw with her that I would have nothing to do with her until she saw someone. I haven't spoken to her in ages.

My mom is a pathological liar (have no idea if this is normal for bpd) and really sociopathic. Any time she wrongs someone or does something wrong, she never admits to it and instead blames the other person. When I was a kid, she would tell me all these things my dad said about me. Horrible things like my dad said I would be nothing but a prostitute when I grow up. I hated my dad for years, and one day we started getting closer and it was brought up why we never spoke. I found out my mom lied that whole time. When my sister brings up the reason why I don't talk to her, she pretends like she has no idea what she's talking about and denies it all.

In everything she does, it's someone else's fault, and she is very cold about it. She does not feel regret. You're just a terrible person if you call her out on something. She yells, cries and even has her friends curse me out if I call her out on something.

While my grandmother was dying and I was taking care of her, she came over and took things from my grandmother's house along with my cousin and aunt. The whole day they were in a group whispering about me and I could tell they were talking about me. I ignored it and just took care of my grandmother. So, something happened (I forget) and I told my mom "that's not true..or something like that" and my cousin got into my face and started screaming at me that I am a bad daughter. This had happened to me several times with her friends, because at the time, I was slowly separating myself from the things she had done to me. Well, I looked over at my mother terrified, because I thought my cousin (who is HUGE btw) was going to physically assault me. My mom was smiling. She enjoyed watching someone abuse me.

There are so many stories, and to this day, my mom refuses to see anyone and would rather get attention from her friends that I'm a horrible daughter. It's too bad, but like others have said, I couldn't take it anymore and had to remove all the negative. It's seriously a horrible negative experience, and it can drive YOU insane. I am much calmer and happier without my mom in the picture, but it does sadden me that she doesn't care at all and would rather attention from others instead of fixing herself to make a relationship with her kids (my sister doesn't talk to her either).
 
That sounds more sociopathic that borderline, even though the things she does can come from borderline.
 
My mum does no wrong too. Its caused absolute wars!.. Since Ive let go of needing her to always be loving.. things have improved no end!
 
Lysis said:
My mom refuses to see a psychiatrist, and she needs one badly. I'm pretty sure she's borderline, and consequently, since she refuses to see someone, I told her after my final straw with her that I would have nothing to do with her until she saw someone. I haven't spoken to her in ages.

My mom is a pathological liar (have no idea if this is normal for bpd) and really sociopathic. Any time she wrongs someone or does something wrong, she never admits to it and instead blames the other person. When I was a kid, she would tell me all these things my dad said about me. Horrible things like my dad said I would be nothing but a prostitute when I grow up. I hated my dad for years, and one day we started getting closer and it was brought up why we never spoke. I found out my mom lied that whole time. When my sister brings up the reason why I don't talk to her, she pretends like she has no idea what she's talking about and denies it all.

In everything she does, it's someone else's fault, and she is very cold about it. She does not feel regret. You're just a terrible person if you call her out on something. She yells, cries and even has her friends curse me out if I call her out on something.

While my grandmother was dying and I was taking care of her, she came over and took things from my grandmother's house along with my cousin and aunt. The whole day they were in a group whispering about me and I could tell they were talking about me. I ignored it and just took care of my grandmother. So, something happened (I forget) and I told my mom "that's not true..or something like that" and my cousin got into my face and started screaming at me that I am a bad daughter. This had happened to me several times with her friends, because at the time, I was slowly separating myself from the things she had done to me. Well, I looked over at my mother terrified, because I thought my cousin (who is HUGE btw) was going to physically assault me. My mom was smiling. She enjoyed watching someone abuse me.
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From what you've said here, she is most definitely a sociopath/narcissist. Unlikely borderline. Although the two are similar, the main difference between the two is that those with BPD have empathy, and those who are considered sociopaths have none.

A very interesting quote from an article on comparing the two disorders:

"The BPD is a lot of things, but most interesting to me is the skill with which she sheds one skin after another. For narcissists the mirror is always pointed at themselves, but for BPDs the mirror is always pointed at others -- allowing those around them to see exactly what they want to see."

another part:

"There are similarities, both conditions lead to manipulation, promiscuity, impulse control problems and a poor ability to maintain relationships, but for different reasons. The borderline desperately seeks to control others to avoid negative feelings, to keep people from leaving her, unlike the sociopath who manipulates dispassionately for her own gain. Similarly, relationships with borderlines tend to be turbulent and often end dramatically because of the borderline's splitting (alternating between seeing things and people as either all good, or all bad), extreme (and often irrationally expressed) fear of rejection, and generally hard-to-handle mood swings. The sociopath, on the other hand, is much more likely not to care about maintaining the relationship, and so hurts her partner. That, or her partner figures out she's not actually emotionally available. Borderlines do have empathy. In fact, extreme empathy and sensitivity to others is generally a symptom of BPD."
 
Im thinking of the mirror of the soul in terms of prisms. Like a diamond. I think we are all capable of showing all the qualities in the above list... God I hate labels.. BP BPD shchizo etc.. Ive seen them inprison vunerable people.
 
Yeah but there are people who really fit the description of these psychiatric problems, and these do play a role if used appropriately. They can be abused and influence people, but thats just a sad fact about being human.
 
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