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Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (Help!)

I have BPD, and it is confusing, and often overwhelming. It's like everything teams up and comes at me from all angles, at once. All I can contribute is, it means that much more when I realize someone is really there for me; that they do care, and aren't in it for anything in return (not saying I want and don't want to give back), meaning, they like me for me. Every day is an adventure, some good, some bad. Medications and therapy help to some extent, but it takes alot of focus and hard work to keep it under control. I wish you good luck with your loved one.
 
But if they do like you for you and you don't doesnt the inherent distrust & suspicion kick in? (why do they like me, I don't deserve to be liked?) so you push them away? That has been my experience of a partner with BPD.
 
ah, oppps sorry, though that was what you were asking for, sorry man. I think I've heard some suggestions just gotta find where I wrote them down.

I suggested the other book because it was starting to help me with the person I was in a relationship with, but sadly never got to fully utilize it as they abandoned me. So to all those who are in a relationship with or have a family member with a BPD person I recommend reading the book.

I honestly can't believe why the person I cared so much about, and she knew how much I cared, completely shut me out. I was falling for her hard, and didn't care that she had her problems. I saw past that and saw the true beauty that lies inside. She could be the biggest bitch, the meanest and cruelest person in the world, but she was also the sweetest individual I've run in to. She'd read me like noone else could, and just hearing her voice would make me feel better. I'm so depressed that I lost that. I don't know if it was from me doing something wrong, or her problems becoming to much, and my presences become to much as well. I think she said to me once that I was giving her love that she didn't think she deserved. I'm not sure if thats why she ran away from me, but no matter the reason my heart got ripped open by her. Sucks cuz she doesn't have that many people in her life that was there for her like me. I just wish I could be her friend and be there for her once again.
 
i have somehow organised a microdots trip at a london gallery with the previously mentioned bpd ex. antipsychotics, benzo's and brown on hand for damage limitation should shit go horrible, i'm hoping for some kind of healing experience, though this is probably hopelessly naive.
 
^ LSD and BPD, that's some fire to play with.
I think she said to me once that I was giving her love that she didn't think she deserved. I'm not sure if thats why she ran away from me, but no matter the reason my heart got ripped open by her.
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she believes you're better off without her... i don't think it was a selfish move either.

people with BPD are managing so many threads of pain, pleasure, guilt, relief from guilt, during their normal emotional state, it's hard to relate...
 
My biggest, best piece of advice is to ignore all the people on this thread, including me, and ask a professional counselor what you should do if you still really care or want to help. We all have good intentions here, but we also don't have the experience or personal connection to you necessary to give you accurate advice.
 
Loving someone with BPD is hard work.. There's a constant fear of rejection and loss, complete dysphoric states where feelings of hopelessness are overwhelming. There are bad decisions and toxic relationships.

After my last breakup I was searching and searching to be able to put a name to what-ever it was that could reduce me to a crying heap in the corner unable to say anything other than, "I don't know" when I was under significant stress or in fear of being abandoned.

Its now four months on from stumbling across a web page and ticking off every single one of the DSM-IV criteria bar an actual suicide attempt, I am learning to recognise behavioral patterns that stem back to BPD and am working to address them.

While this seems off topic as this is about loving someone with BPD, its not.

I believe that my boyfriend also may suffer from this disorder and the jealousy, the fear of abandonment and other assorted quirks really do leave you wondering..

However, I'm much worse than he is, not just with relationships but with jobs too.. I'm currently waiting for him to get home so we can continue our discussion that was started this morning. That I still love my rather toxic ex, even after the ex has broken my heart 4 times.

For those who are dating someone with BPD please be compassionate. Some of us do realise what we're doing to our loved ones and are taking steps to only move forward and not take steps back. (In my case, not running back into the arms of my ex)
 
Again, everything I say is 100% fact because I am a mental health genius, so there's really no point in arguing with me ever.
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LOL!!

Question for the people posting who say they have BPD, are these self-diagnosis or are they diagnosed by a professional?
 
I haven't read all the posts here, but I think, perhaps, you don't give enough credit to a BPD sufferer's own recognition of the issues. I have BPD. I know how cruel and callous I can come off to other people. It's not necessarily that I want to be, but it's that little impulsive snap comment that I can make, it's being overwhelmed by emotion and not knowing how to regulate it. Though, usually, I bring it inward, but it still manifests itself to others. I think that's the crux of borderline. It is hardly a female version of psychopathy, and trust me, I've met plenty of men with it; I just think that it's underdiagnosed. We're not talking about no empathy here. There is plenty of that, but there is plenty of inner frustration. Usually, in my day to day activities, I consider myself pretty rational and logical. Now, say, that in my day, a kind of trigger like my father saying that I've been too lazy occurs. Most people can brush this off easily, but for me, the sensitivity is ever more increased, even if I don't want that reaction. That logical side of my brain just turns off, and it's replaced by this emotional one, by this flood of utter negativity, and you just want it to go, right then and there, hence the drug abuse, self injury, sex. It's just a way to get it out of your head, because it's so damn intense.

Awareness of the issue is just one step. For me, personally, I want to do DBT now. I know my issues, but I don't quite know how to handle them. I don't know how to make intense running thoughts where I'm calling myself the worst piece of shit go away. Fortunately, those haven't happened in a while, but it will again. Everything is situational. One with Borderline can do fine for weeks or even months, and then have that one trigger and it's over the deep end again. Anyway, these are just my rambling thoughts. Excuse me if I sounded a bit arrogant or anything.
 
i was diagnosed by a couple different psychiatrists. i think i was lucky in finding a team of people to help me work out my issues at a time when i was finally ready to accept therapy. i still have some of the thoughts i've had before, but i'm better at managing them now (most of the time anyway).
 
I will never again be in a relationship with someone thats BPD.

I don't think I could even bother being in a friendship with one. I tried and that didn't last but a second.
 
SplatChrome said:
I will never again be in a relationship with someone thats BPD.

I don't think I could even bother being in a friendship with one. I tried and that didn't last but a second.
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I don't know about relationships with BPD people.. But my two best friends have BPD.. And I wouldn't trade them for anything.
 
I guess that was a little harsh, as there are good people with such problems, but there are certain things that would end the friendship if I gained another friend with BPD. It sucks for those with BPD, and I honestly feel for them. I tried to stick around to the very end, but it resulted in a continual display of disrespect that wasn't a normal acted BPD behavior they produced since I knew them.
 
SplatChrome said:
I don't think I could even bother being in a friendship with one. I tried and that didn't last but a second.
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not everyones the same. some people with bpd are likeable and others are twats just like people without bpd so its unfair to tar them all with the same brush
 
I originally found this site whilst looking for ways to get high from paracetamol (you can't). I couldn't resist looking in the relationship forum as I'm going through a really bad time with my boyfriend. I came across this and I fit all the criteria for borderline personality. I treat him terribly, I've never believed he loved me despite him giving me everything so I cheated on him to see if he'd stay. He did but now he doesn't do all the things he used to and I scream at him even more, then sob and tell him how sorry I am, how much I love him. I have actually shouted, 'I hate you,' whilst begging him to stay. He's living with a girl next year that he betrayed me with and I don't understand how he could if he loved me. If he's 10 mins late for a phone call I sob and hate him for not loving me, asking why he's never there. I can change mood from one hour to the next, extremely happy to suicidal. I attempted suicide when I was 16, (18 now) and often contemplate doing it again. I have bulimia that flares up now and then and I flirt with guys constantly because I want them to like me, I want desperately for someone to save me. I want someone to be there, make all the pain go away. I've gone as far as asking my bf to sit with me whilst I OD. I make so many mistakes and he's stayed with me so far and I don't deserve it, then I use sex to make things better, so he'll love me again. I have good grades and got accepted into top 10 universities and I'm going to reject my offers to travel Europe, to find something that is missing.

After reading more, I also never admit to my 'friends' that I have a problem. I want to portray that I'm perfect and I have promised people before that I can be anything they want me to be and that's fine until I need them.
Sorry I used this like a therapy session, but I wanted to say that if I am BP, we never want to hurt anyone, we just want someone to save us.
Alexa x
 
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alexa said:
I originally found this site whilst looking for ways to get high from paracetamol (you can't). I couldn't resist looking in the relationship forum as I'm going through a really bad time with my boyfriend. I came across this and I fit all the criteria for borderline personality. I treat him terribly, I've never believed he loved me despite him giving me everything so I cheated on him to see if he'd stay. He did but now he doesn't do all the things he used to and I scream at him even more, then sob and tell him how sorry I am, how much I love him. I have actually shouted, 'I hate you,' whilst begging him to stay. He's living with a girl next year that he betrayed me with and I don't understand how he could if he loved me. If he's 10 mins late for a phone call I sob and hate him for not loving me, asking why he's never there. I can change mood from one hour to the next, extremely happy to suicidal. I attempted suicide when I was 16, (18 now) and often contemplate doing it again. I have bulimia that flares up now and then and I flirt with guys constantly because I want them to like me, I want desperately for someone to save me. I want someone to be there, make all the pain go away. I've gone as far as asking my bf to sit with me whilst I OD. I make so many mistakes and he's stayed with me so far and I don't deserve it, then I use sex to make things better, so he'll love me again. I have good grades and got accepted into top 10 universities and I'm going to reject my offers to travel Europe, to find something that is missing.

After reading more, I also never admit to my 'friends' that I have a problem. I want to portray that I'm perfect and I have promised people before that I can be anything they want me to be and that's fine until I need them.
Sorry I used this like a therapy session, but I wanted to say that if I am BP, we never want to hurt anyone, we just want someone to save us.
Alexa x
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Alexa, I hate to be the negative nancy in relation to this.. But if you think you may have BPD you need to speak with a mental health professional and get it confirmed.

Its not something that will just go away it you ignore it. I know you don't want to hurt anyone, we never do. And we all want to be saved. But once the inital thrill of the chase and saving is done the destructive behaviours start.

Its not just romantic relationships that suffer from BPD. Study, employment and ambitions are all effected.

All I can recommend if you don't want to go see a shrink is study BPD as much as you can. Learn why you do the things you do, so that you can start breaking the cycle. Look into Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome - its a free basic CBT program) to understand how to think better.
 
I did not write this but I could have

This is something to keep in mind for people who are trying to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD

You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don't know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.

I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.

I am an emotional amnesiac, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a seperate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.

You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.

I do not like this. I do not like that I am needy and clinging. I do not like that I hurt people. I do not like that I am rude and sarcastic to those around me. I do not like this part of myself. For years, I have ignored this and pretended it was me, but I have realized that is wrong. This is not me, it is a false identity created to protect me from the world. This was not an easy realization, and perhaps I haven't fully accepted it yet. But I have found my path, I have realized I can change and I can accept this side of me and keep it from becoming who I am. It will not be easy and it will not be quick, but I have faith that I can do it. Perhaps one day I will see me as the person you see behind my defenses, and perhaps one day I will let others see that person as well.

This is for you, but you are many people. You are the people close to me now. You are the people I want to be close to even though I have kept you away. You are the friends I have pushed away in the past, the friends I never forgave and never let back in my life, the friends I never had the chance to tell this to. You are the people I will meet in the future, the people I will care about until once again I push them out of my life. You are the part of me that is still trying to understand who I am. You are all of these people and many more.
 
It was bewildering and emotionally trying to endure the emotional roller coaster associated with being fawned over and then summarily devalued over items small I was willing to change such as cutting my hair or replacing bed sheets more often than I was. She adored how well I treated her 10-year old daughter, and said my actions were "perfect" but were not enough and that we were incompatible. Though we have some differences in style (Me: extrovert/Her: introvert) and activities, when I asked why she felt/decided we were incompatible and why she wanted to break up I received a bizarre email with a list of trivial items such as her not liking that fact that I ordered tea for her at a restaurant and she didn't appreciate having items ordered without her consent even though she wanted to try it (this was the first time anything of the sort came up) . As another example she didn't like the fact I used creative spellings in my writing, though had again never complained about it until that point of breakup (#3 of 4). She also accused me of coming between her and her daughter which was a very upsetting and a false claim that has absolutely no merit as her daughter was always always the highest priority as we scheduled our plans. Apparently the level of severity didn't matter to her as all of these transgressions were equal in stature to her as cheating on her or lying about my activities, and I attribute this to her black and white thinking patterns.

Granted I didn't handle the situation well and really really wish I had read the following article on BIFF writing prior to receiving her email, because shamefully I sent a scathing rebuke defending myself and defaming her character in the process :( . Therapy and the article below have given me tools to better process adverse and confusing situations...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/read-post-you-send-angry-email

To compound the situation my ex was also treated with antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. My thoughts are that although she had numerous scornful mood swings, her relatively low affect probably toned down both the virulence and frequency of the outbursts.

Although we are apart and there is relative peace between us, her constant portrayal as the victim in past relationships, and harsh criticisms of past boyfriends/husband alludes me to believe that I'm going to be slandered in the same way. I have steeled myself for that possibility and am ready to enact damage control as necessary...

It took me four breakups to realize she had BPD and figure out what the heck I just went through. Thank you for this site!
 
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