I know how you feel, aplumgirl. I get so depressed and self shame because of my injuries and my myriad of health problems. One of the biggest contributors to my bad health is a terminal illness of which I inherited from both of my parents. I have siblings, but none of them got this dreaded disease and I feel like no one understands what I am going through...only my late father knew how bad this is, as he was stricken with it too. No cure, only treatment, and that has come full circle for me, as I now cannot treat my illness the way I used to because it was taken too far and my levels of minerals in my blood has become too low and now I am dealing with the bad side effects from that. It's horrible, and I too am fighting with a vision of who I used to be...I used to run 7 miles a day, 3-4 days a week, on the sand of a sunny California beach while I had great grades and friends and a beautiful girlfriend, and even a band of sorts... Life was amazing. Now, I lay each day on the couch with pillows propping my neck and feet up, staring off into the television or reading endlessly on BL and other sites. I always read Vice News and Mother Jones and record all the ABC, CBS, and PBS newscasts. I also watch Dateline mysteries and shows like that, which are very depressing in their nature. I guess it is somehow comforting to see/read about others who are in misery too. But, this was something I never used to do...I was so active and always had a great sense of humor, joking and making all my friends and family laugh. Now, I'm lucky if I see anyone other than my mum for a week or two. It's so sad, I'm crying right now...I just want to have relationships again. But, I can't hardly walk most days, much less be able to go out and enjoy life...
Oh, it is so hard. But, I have to keep trying...as the only other way out is dying. And, I'm not ready for that right now... I'm still young enough to have a life if I can somehow deal with this pain and depression that comes with it......f'hew,
Drizzle I'm constantly amazed at how people from all walks of life who share chronic pain seem to relate in SOUTH many ways. I find it very reassuring, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. It keeps me mindful of the fact that this is my life and parts of it really sucks but the alternative is not much of a choice either.
I gather strength from knowing I've fought this fight for so long that it's gonna feel normal soon lol. I also watch a lot of TV. I have severe neck problems so lying in bed is sometimes all I can manage and TV helps pass the time. I used to watch shows like dateline as well but I've given up on all the national media for a while. I stream most shows these says.
On another note, I saw my jackass Dr today. I'm not sure I've ever met a more worthless person in my life. He decided today the only way to ease my pain is focal point injections. Duh!! As I have no health insurance, that's too expensive a solution. Hopefully in November I'll have insurance, please God!!! I'm going to ask for a nerve block pump as well as a pain pump to hopefully end all this constant pain!
Oh well, I made it another month. Maybe I can try tapering mess again this month. Everyone have a safe happy day!
