I'm soo sick of this, so sick of it..Here I sit, arms covered in blood! The panic all gone, the panic that sets in when the spike is half filled with blood and nearly congealing, sick but worrying your going to lose the hit when its the last of your money and you wont be able to figure out how to get more until you've had a cure....
I look at myself and my kitchen floor covered in droplets of blood...I can't go on like this, I can't take it anymore....My arms become a pin cushion resorting to pot luck sticking the spike in hoping there might be a vein beneath the surface somewhere.....The veins only appear once and a while on my feet and legs and I refuse to go near my groin....I was on 80ml of methadone, I manged to stop using for 2 months before and slightly after xmas, halved my dose to 40ml....
I cant get a vein, its disgusting this second life, no one truly knows exactly how I'm living or what I'm doing ot myself....It used to be the case that I got a vein no problem, now they are all gone, I don't want to go near my groin, it scares me....I go to NA but a majority of people there have smoked a few joints, sniffed a few lines and have seen the light whereas I am an addict who struggles day to day to day.....I dont know, I dont know, how come I was able to stop before and it seems each time I stop and go back it is only worse in every sense....I have a great job, great responsibilities and I'm fortunate to be surrounded by people that only love me...I take myself to this situation, I make the move to score, no one and I mean no one makes me or even would bother me if I didnt actively search for it....The last 8 years have been dominated by Heroin, here in the UK and in Detroit.....I was in Detroit last week and after using the brown UK gear for the last while, I found the d'troit dope to be weak unless I did at least 4 packs......
I know people on here understand, I know people on here are sitting or have sat where I am right now...I feel like crying, I really do, except I've done all that and I can not shed a tear over my problem anymore because I know the answer...I'm nearly at the point of giving it all up and just moving somewhere where it is cheap, readily and steadily available and rather then a slow death, speed it up just a bit because I can go on like this I just can not go on like this anymore...Its sick, I'm sick and tired of it...Its not cool, its not creative, its disgusting and demoralizing and just killing me and ruining my life completely...