I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

[Downwardplane]

Downwardplane, this is an amazing thread to read from beginning to middle (hoping this isn't the end because you have a lot of positive experience and a great way of expressing yourself) Hope you have a truly happy birthday and take one private moment to find a mirror, look yourself in the eye and congratulate yourself on your transformation.

And, Skillz--thank you for bumping this. You are an angel

Good advice. I really just try and keep my life as simple as possible now. I find that helps and cuts down on the cravings a lot.

 

[Downwardplane]

wow good post. it was clear, right to the point, and i can definitely relate to it!

i too got addicted to painkillers -first perks, vicoden, then oxycontin, methadone, morphine, fentanyl, etc etc. i used anything and everything. my main love was oxycontin though. when it got too expensive, and i wasnt gettin high from oc 80s anymore, it was onto heroin. long story short, i used for 7 years. im 25 yr old female. been on suboxone for 2+ years. TODAY, i am clean from opiates, benzos, and uppers. i only take my sub and smoke weed these days. i go to AA/NA meetings every now and then. i lost alot of things when i was using...i went to jail, i overdosed, i went to the psych ward. im done. i tell myself, just for today, i dont want to use. its just not worth it anymore.

anyway, thanks for sharing. so youre on subs now?how are you liking them so far? congrats on the clean date and going to meetings...i just tell people, whatever works for YOU.

Glad to hear things are turning around for you! We all reach that point where we get tired of the grind. I'm no longer taking subs as I can't have any drugs in my system for the bodybuilding competition i'm training for. It was tough going off them as I felt I had lost my crutch. So far so good thankfully! Congrats on your progress.

 

[Downwardplane]

Happy Holiday's everyone. Sorry for my absence. The shame,guilt,embarrassment has brought me down to the depths. I'm in the midst of a cold turkey withdrawal from a oxycontin binge. We met, fell in love, then I left. You were in my rear view mirror as I walked away. Time passed and the miles seperating us were far and wide. Then I got weak and let you back into my life. Time to pay the price for my stupidty. All my friends that believed in me I let you down. I looked you in the eyes and wanted to cry as I was living two lives. I want to stomp this garbage out of my life so badly. I get sober for a few months then relapse. I'm hoping this horrible withdrawal will be an indelible mark on my brain and make me live a life that I can be proud of. I've been doing pushups to beat the shit out of myself for fucking up once more. I want my body to cry, I deserve every bit of this hell. For those of you that have beat this I commend you for your strength and courage.

 

[Serotonin101]

You can't look at it as "beating addiction". You never win, you never break even. It just gets to be an easier fight. Soon the mountain will be a mole hill. Stay with some sort of replacement treatment if you can. I myself am on suboxone and doing okay for the moment. I was sober for six months. So I got a taste of reality and the joys of a normal life (the money was great too). Just keep with the meetings. I got a full time job and stopped hitting meetings and started hitting my veins. Use these forums as a form of meetings when you can't reach one. Much love man. Opiates are a blessing and a curse they are.

 

[Downwardplane]

You can't look at it as "beating addiction". You never win, you never break even. It just gets to be an easier fight. Soon the mountain will be a mole hill. Stay with some sort of replacement treatment if you can. I myself am on suboxone and doing okay for the moment. I was sober for six months. So I got a taste of reality and the joys of a normal life (the money was great too). Just keep with the meetings. I got a full time job and stopped hitting meetings and started hitting my veins. Use these forums as a form of meetings when you can't reach one. Much love man. Opiates are a blessing and a curse they are.

Thanks Serotonin that is solid advice. I guess i'm going to have to see a DR and just come clean and ask for the Suboxone. I want this in the worst way but I keep relapsing.

 

[Downwardplane]

In the midst of the shivers from withdrawal I visited my friend Sherry in the hospital. She is battling stage three breast cancer. Her outlook on life,spirit and fight make my battle so inconsiquental. Life has dealt her such a terrible hand but she sees the beauty in life and those around her. She told me I was an old soul during our visit. I walked away wondering if I was worthy of such a compliment. I was able to hold it together until I left her room then was overcome by emotion. I'm battling a little green pill but her nemisis is much more daunting. I thought taking celexa would help with the cravings. I suppose many of you wise people are right and I should try suboxone.

 

[herbavore]

It is amazing the perspective we can get when we are around someone facing their own mortality. And, I'm sure you deserved the compliment.

 

[Serotonin101]

Heh and here I am battling some brown powder. You can't compare the pain you have and the pain she has. Both are extremely painful mentally and physically and both can potentially end badly if not treated. You can do this. We all have faith in you and are here for you. Remember this is a battle with yourself, well a side of yourself you despise. You can win if you really wanna change.

 

[Downwardplane]

It's Sunday night and i'm staring at the four walls. All that is on my mind is getting high. I've made a pact with myself that I won't call either of my connects. I'm exercising vigorously five days a week which is helping with the cravings. In previous years when I tried cocaine and smoked weed I could stop using them at the drop of a hat. I gave them up years ago, put them in the rear view. Can't seem to shake oxy though, she's the pretty girl that smiles at me. The same vicious cycle, picking up, using then the guilt. The old addage of one day at a time has never been truer. I started this thread in 2008 and were now in 2012 and i'm still not fully recovered. Long periods of sobriety followed by binging. Here's to being strong and holding on for what's right and shaking the demon.

 

[herbavore]

Hey, you! i was wondering how it was going. Glad you came on to catch us up though sorry to hear you are having a bad night of it. I think the one day at a time thing works even better when it is one hour at a time sometimes. That's great that you have kept up with the exercising. PM me if you need to.

 

[littlepenguin]

I must say - this is an incredible thread. Incredibly emotional, hard to read, sad, motivating...so many spectrums of provoked emotions.

Jay - you don't know me, but honestly - if you're ever in MN, you've got a place to sleep and a friend to lean on. Since you are not here, if you EVER need to talk, someone to listen, someone to cry to, ramble, sing...PM me. I'm dead serious.

hugs

every 'ting gonna be awright.

 

[Downwardplane]

Thanks so much for your support Herb. I hope all is well with you.

 

[Downwardplane]

I visited Sherry today. The cancer is winning, she is gaunt. Her spirit remains strong. The hourglass is emptying but she is handling this with such grace and strength. I admire her so much. Most days I don't care whether I'm erased and forgotten then this Angel shows me what being a friend is all about. She respects life so much. I won't sleep much tonight. I told her loved her. We hugged for minutes, I didn't want to let go. Sherry was one of the few that didn't abandon me. Her friendship unconditional all the way. One of our favorite things to do was listen and play music and live in the moment. I brought in my guitar today and played A hard rain is gonna fall. Even with my subpar guitar picking we had a great time. We both love Dylan. All that was missing was the wine, I didn't smuggle that in for my sweetheart.

Last few days have been difficult. Tough trying to hold it together. Not much to smile about. Hope things are going better for my fellow bluelighters.

 

[herbavore]

One of the most profound states of grace that I have ever witnessed is that of a person who knows death is nearing and not only faces that, but is able to embrace both the fullness of life and the oncoming mystery of death. I saw my Dad and my uncle do it and a friend who just wanted to see her son graduate high school. In all three cases, my own reverence for life deepened. Your friend is getting an amazing gift from you as you are from her. I am so glad that you were able to share the Dylan song with her. That must have been awesome.

Remember that this is short enough for all of us. Sherry knows this and her gratitude has increased. If only we could all carry that kind of gratitude out into each day.

 

[BrahamCracker]

I can relate to your thread title. I'm definetely frightened right now, giving up school to try to get better and closer to home. Buddy in a way i hope it comforts you to know i'm suffering right there with you.

However, I hope you're getting the help you deserve. I remember you started your thread over a year ago and was wondering what had happened to you. I didn't think i'd be alive, much less both of us at this point.

 

[herbavore]

^@Brahamcracker, I know it is frightening to give up school, to finally admit that you can't keep up with the path you (and probably your family) think you should be on at this point in your life; but really that is success, not failure. You have successfully identified the top priority and I love that you identified it as getting better as opposed to just getting clean. School will still be there when you are ready to come back to it. I hope that you, too, get the help you need.

 

[BrahamCracker]

Not to hijack downward's thread, but thanks ^^. We all here are dealing with so much and it's almost impossible to explain it to "mr republican father", but we gotta do what we gotta do for ourselves.

It's funny how friendly we are to people who have been through the same hardships as we have gone through.

 

[Downwardplane]

I can relate to your thread title. I'm definetely frightened right now, giving up school to try to get better and closer to home. Buddy in a way i hope it comforts you to know i'm suffering right there with you.

However, I hope you're getting the help you deserve. I remember you started your thread over a year ago and was wondering what had happened to you. I didn't think i'd be alive, much less both of us at this point.

Sorry for the slow response Braham. I've been supporting a sick friend so I haven't been online very much. Congratulations on making this decision. I think you will find when the cloud of drugs lifts that life is a beautiful thing. In my long periods of sobriety I've found what a wonderful experience life can be. When sober i'm so happy and full of energy and I think you will find that as well as you move through your detox. I would recommend getting Lyrica from your DR to help with the withdrawal it does wonders to reduce many of the symptoms. Also stock up on immodium, it cures the digestive issues.

I can relate to the strong right wing Father attitude. To that I say explain it to him that it's about your long term health and you would really appreciate his love and support. It's a tough discussion but one worth having. Good like bro, feel free to post anytime if you're having issues and just need to vent.

Jay

 

[Downwardplane]

A tough day on many levels, wasn't sure where to turn so it's me and my computer screen. I've been using all my vacation time to spend with Sherry. Today's visit was heartbreaking on many levels. Nobody said life was fair and this is an instance of that. I boil to my core seeing a girl who did nothing bad to anyone in life being cut down in her prime. She is going to be gone soon. She told me the DR's are going to move her into a hospace unit. Basically means they drug you up until you fade away. I'm inconsolable, bawling my eyes out since I got home. I'm no good at airing these feelings in real life, as a man I would feel week to show what a mess I am about this so bluelight is a savior for me.

I'm so fucked up right now. These are the points I badly want to use drugs but It's not an option for me. I want this sobriety in the worst way. This is a moment that should make me appreciate life. We can all be snapped away an instant, aware of that now more than ever. It's going to be a dark period for the next while.

 

[herbavore]

Hang in there, OK? It is excruciating to watch someone that you love and care about have to let go of life. I am so very sorry and hope that knowing how much your loyalty and friendship mean to Sherry will help you gather your own strength. We all will come to this bridge and have to cross it. Having someone that cares for you, that knows your worth as a human being as you face leaving that behind is invaluable.

Don't worry about Hospice. They are not there for any other reason than to help alleviate a person's pain. Hospice was called in when my Dad died as well as with a very good friend my own age and in both instances it was the the dying person that determined how much they wanted to be drugged. My friend wanted to be present as much possible and was willing to tolerate incredible pain to do so until the absolute end. Only then did she request enough to make her so out of it that she could no longer communicate. The whole goal of Hospice is to make death easier for the person through eliminating fear as much as possible. For the families friends of the dying person there is usually support as well. I hope that your experience turns out to be a good one. I guess like any organization it will depend on the individual people delivering services but I know the philosophy is a good one. If they offer any services to you as someone involved in her life, you should accept them. I think it could be a good place for you to get some support through this very hard time.

Again, let me just say, the offer stands to PM me anytime you need to. Death and I are pretty well acquainted these days and I have both sympathy and empathy for what you are going through. Stay strong. I am so happy to hear that you do not consider using an option.