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I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

Hi Jay... I have to say your story is heart breaking. I have kids your age and I am imagining them in your situation and how it would tear me apart if the words you wrote came from one of them. I'm so glad you're speaking to your mum and dad, albeit gradually. I'm not religious either but I talk to my mate up wherever on a regular basis and tonight I'll be mentioning your name. You are trying so hard and I think you're amazing not to give up completely. I can feel how much you want some sort of normal life, keep that feeling alive and even if you go backwards occasionally that's ok, move forward again. I for one think you'll make it.
 
herbavore said:
Hang in there, OK? It is excruciating to watch someone that you love and care about have to let go of life. I am so very sorry and hope that knowing how much your loyalty and friendship mean to Sherry will help you gather your own strength. We all will come to this bridge and have to cross it. Having someone that cares for you, that knows your worth as a human being as you face leaving that behind is invaluable.

Don't worry about Hospice. They are not there for any other reason than to help alleviate a person's pain. Hospice was called in when my Dad died as well as with a very good friend my own age and in both instances it was the the dying person that determined how much they wanted to be drugged. My friend wanted to be present as much possible and was willing to tolerate incredible pain to do so until the absolute end. Only then did she request enough to make her so out of it that she could no longer communicate. The whole goal of Hospice is to make death easier for the person through eliminating fear as much as possible. For the families friends of the dying person there is usually support as well. I hope that your experience turns out to be a good one. I guess like any organization it will depend on the individual people delivering services but I know the philosophy is a good one. If they offer any services to you as someone involved in her life, you should accept them. I think it could be a good place for you to get some support through this very hard time.

Again, let me just say, the offer stands to PM me anytime you need to. Death and I are pretty well acquainted these days and I have both sympathy and empathy for what you are going through. Stay strong. I am so happy to hear that you do not consider using an option.<3
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Thanks for being so kind to me, I appreciate it and value your opinion a great deal.
 
n@nn@ said:
Hi Jay... I have to say your story is heart breaking. I have kids your age and I am imagining them in your situation and how it would tear me apart if the words you wrote came from one of them. I'm so glad you're speaking to your mum and dad, albeit gradually. I'm not religious either but I talk to my mate up wherever on a regular basis and tonight I'll be mentioning your name. You are trying so hard and I think you're amazing not to give up completely. I can feel how much you want some sort of normal life, keep that feeling alive and even if you go backwards occasionally that's ok, move forward again. I for one think you'll make it.
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Thank You for taking the time to read my thread. My son in law is from Australia, he's a great a guy. I hope to eventually get over there and experience your beautiful country for myself. Thank You for having me in your thoughts. I really like this community and hope you and your family are doing well.
 
Downwardplane, you're too good for this. Seek professional help as you cannot do this alone it seems. Best regards to you.
 
fantasyaddict said:
Downwardplane, you're too good for this. Seek professional help as you cannot do this alone it seems. Best regards to you.
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You're 100% correct Fantasyaddict. I really need to see a DR to talk about the constant urge and thinking about the drug. I don't have the money right now as I have a large student loan. I'm taking Celexa 40mg and it worked initially but the depression is back with a vengence. I feel really lost right now. They're good people here that are trying to help me, I appreciate more than you guys know.
 
Sorry to hear about Sherry. I dated a girl for a couple months whose mother died of cancer, and was at home on hospus. It was absolutely horrible for her, and too see what they end up as before they pass, is heartbreaking. Take solice in knowing that she was there for you. Honor her memory. Nothing anyone says to you will make you feel better. Time is the only thing bro, and when enough time passes you will be stronger.

I hear you on not having enough money to get the help you need. Same problem for me. If your medication is helping you then you are doing good, just continue to get better. I think we got a lot in common, we're both intelligent and aware. Keep on keeping on bro

EDIT: something just occured to me. Do you think you might have more than depression? like bi polar? I recently was diagnosed and i had no idea.
 
Braham how are you doing man? I hope that you're adjusting and on your way to stomping out the opiates. I know it's difficult but from our discussions in the past I have faith in you and are rooting for you to succeed.

I'm not sure if I'm bi polar, I do know that when I get depressed it's dark and deep and I feel like I will never dig my way out. My DR didn't refer me to a specialist. He put me on the celexa and we went from there. I have a tough time laying all my cards on the table as I'm ashamed that I'm so weak and vulnerable. I have to be more forthcoming with him and hopefully I get the help I need.

PS The Packers will be back next year, too much talent not to. Maybe beef up the D-line a bit and they're set.
 
Ok, thank you for saying this line.

"I have a tough time laying all my cards on the table as I'm ashamed that I'm so weak and vulnerable"

no matter what they say, it IS embarassing. I am so ashamed I can't tackle my own problems. I feel like a child running to my dad (in this case medicine) because some kid stole my tonka truck. Nobody has been looking at me different because of my problems, which might have something to do with society learning that these problems can cause suicide. I think they are more serious to the public, which makes people support us more.

Opiates are no longer my DOC, i've downgraded somewhat to marijuana, but still not harmless. Also, the Packers are bi polar! sometimes they play great, other time terrible. No wonder I love them so much! hahahaha

BTW bud, I get a dark numb feeling that often leads to seriously scary feelings. Not so much suicide, but i feel sub human sometimes, like a lab test project or something. Like i'm the only one.
 
It's been a tough few months. I've been too ashamed to come here and talk about it. Since late February its been on OC non stop. I'm currently up to 240 mg's a day. It no longer gets me high, just keeps me even keel enough to function. I'm tired,depressed,ashamed and now realize I can't do this alone. I will be checking into rehab for a minimum of 28 days on Friday. This will be my first time in an inpatient rehab. I'm wondering what I can expect in this enviornment? I've tried and had great intentions but trying to stomp this on my own has failed repeatedly.
 
Hey, you!<3<3 Don't you dare be ashamed--this is TDS---where NO ONE ever needs to be ashamed of the stages of fighting their addictions---not even the periods of giving up. I am so glad to hear that you are going to get help and not try to do this alone. There are many here that have been to rehab so I will leave it to them to discuss their experiences and offer advice for that. I just wanted to say that I was happy when I saw your name and am happier still that you came back to share with us even though it took courage. Much, much love to you, Downwardplane. <3
 
Downwardplane said:
I've been too ashamed to come here and talk about it.
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there's nothing to be ashamed of, there is no reason to beat yourself up. we support you. we have all travelled or are still travelling through dark places.
 
Herbavore is right. Ive been through rehab twice (she was actually one of the few people i talked to while i was thinking of giving up). You can do this man, opioid dependance blows big time. Theres a light at the end of the tunnel, nearly 7 months ago i did my last shot of h, crying for the pain to end, and frequenting TDS as this was the only family i had who still loved me. Theres no shame in going back out, theres only shame in not coming back. We love you buddy :) i owe TDS my life (moreso to a couple special, loving people here :) ).
 
Thank You everyone for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I'm currently on day two of cold turkey off Oxy. To be blunt it's been complete hell. I've had all the fun symptoms of withdrawal, chills,vomiting,no appetite and depression. Lyrica and Immodium are helping slightly but not enough to make me Johnny Sunshine. I often wonder if I will fully kick this demon on my back. My intentions are good with long periods of sobriety, then I make the mistake of thinking that I can be recreational, taking one here and there. Then I'm off and running and hooked. I'm hoping I can post when in rehab but I'm not sure if they will let me.
 
They probably won't let you so take this in with you: we all are here for you whenever you need us. You know you are doing the right thing by going. I am very proud of you and wish you all the best. Take advantage of everything while you are there. Go deep, be honest and be proud of what you are doing.<3
 
It's been a long time. For the first time in my life I've been completely sober for an extended period of time (July 30th) While proud of myself, I often ask, is this all there is? Life has molded itself into a daily routine. Gym,work,social time and then sleep. No Alcohol (never cared for it anyway) and drugs has made for a simply mundane existence. Perhaps it's depression, taking 40 mg of celexa and 50 mg of trazodone to combat it. Not happy and just going through the motions. Any advice from someone that has given up years of drug abuse to get excitement and the thrill of living back? The sad thing is I still think of opiates everyday but am determined to give the "sober" life a chance after many years of pitfalls.
 
what are some goals of yours? writting down goals and obtaining them is very fulfilling! and builds self-esteem.
you're right, just going thru the motions is no fun. but if you are living for a purpose then you can find joy.






Downwardplane said:
It's been a long time. For the first time in my life I've been completely sober for an extended period of time (July 30th) While proud of myself, I often ask, is this all there is? Life has molded itself into a daily routine. Gym,work,social time and then sleep. No Alcohol (never cared for it anyway) and drugs has made for a simply mundane existence. Perhaps it's depression, taking 40 mg of celexa and 50 mg of trazodone to combat it. Not happy and just going through the motions. Any advice from someone that has given up years of drug abuse to get excitement and the thrill of living back? The sad thing is I still think of opiates everyday but am determined to give the "sober" life a chance after many years of pitfalls.
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I got high for like 3 years (drank for about 10) and I find socializing and exploring life to be fun and exciting. sometimes ill hop on a bus in the city and just see where it goes, listening to music, and exploring the city. when it gets warmer I'm gonna do more walking and exploring, maybe pack some lunch, and go urban exploring. or go hiking in the woods with some friends. video games can be a great escape as well. I'm thinking of picking up skyrim as its been out for a bit so the price should be lower now. also, pursuing women is fun too :D
 
Your title says you are frightened, You are fucked, only for now, but you are not soulless my friend. I've seen soulless and they don't write like you and they don't care about who they stole from or that they hurt their one true love. I've seen a lot of good options and advice replied to you I hope you take the iniative I feel strongly you can do this! Crazy thing about life concentrate on you and getting straight and one day she will see you walking down the street laughing with your next big love! Don't give up man! You got this! Xoxo
 
Do you notice an improvement in your mood when you are on the celexa and trazodone? Both of these drugs can make you significantly more drowsy not to mention all the other side effects. I bet I was on and off a dozen different medications before I finally realized that for myself they were doing me more harm than good. While the side effects varied drastically, one constant was the feeling I was living in a bubble, watching everyone else live life and there I was just floating along. Sure, some of the feelings that were bothering me before were no longer bothering me as much, but all of a sudden I had all these new ones to deal with, and for me it just wasnt worth it. I also couldnt stand the constant light headedness, the drowsiness during the day and insomnia at night, the nightmares when I did manage to sleep....

All this being said, they DO really help some people. But was just curious as to whether you had considered giving it a go without them...since it has only been after getting off them completely that I have been able to make any kind of progress in my ten years of trying. Good luck to you, ive really enjoyed reading through your posts.
 
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