Hey DP, I’ve also been following you posts and sorry if some of what Im about to say has already been discussed since I havnt read them all, but Id say the one part that gets me most is the part where you talk about your lost love. I can not only identify with how you’re feeling as far as that goes but in many other senses as well. I can remember when I was at the height of my H addiction and my ex was trying to get back with me and I somehow convinced myself that I was not even in love with him. Years later, as I was sitting in a rehab and as the drugs effects wore off I realized that I was still very much in love with him but I had let it slip away. My true feelings had been numbed to what I was really feeling within. I wanted him back, but I realized it was too late as he was already married to an old friend of ours and were expecting their first baby. You see, as you know that’s what the drug does to us, that’s the power it has when we give our body and minds over to its control, and make no mistake that whatever your going through right now it is STILL deceiving in the same way by saying that things will never get better... don’t believe that.. that’s the lie.
I know it’s been years since your first post but those first years were hard on me as well, thinking back to all the memories and the times me and my ex shared. The sear of pain that would go through my chest when those thoughts would flash across my mind made me wish I could somehow lose my memory. That along with my many other losses and the aching depression that it brought made me feel as if I wanted to die, but trust me when I say this... it doesn’t stay that way! While the memories never fully go away, once you get you back to a place of happiness and comfort you then open yourself to a whole new world of possibilities and life starts to get really good, far better than even before the dope because you now have new eyes.
There for a while I almost lived my life through Facebook because although I knew me and my ex would never get back together, something in me was compelled to show him and all the others that I was doing good. I think initially I even went into the field of substance abuse just to show everyone that wow, if she’s doing that she HAS to be doing good. Over time however, as my true confidence and self- esteem began to build, my zest for life came back and I didn’t need it anymore. I stopped thinking daily about the 'what ifs' and even began extracting the blessings that had came from my experiences. While I still stumble from time to time, its nothing like it was.
I can see you’ve been on some meds for depression and maybe anxiety and that you have also had lots of side effects. That was me as well. Since you’re into health and fitness (just like me) have you ever thought about maybe ramping up your amino acids like 5 htp, GABA and taurine? I started going to a naturopath out of desperation after the meds I was on only seemed to give me side effects (I was on amitriptyline as well at the time and man was that good for weight gain). Anyways, bumping up the the amino acids really helped me.
This may sound simple and kinda hard to believe, but one other thing that helps the body heal esp at your point and drastically helps PAWS are high doses of vitamin C. You can take pretty much as much as you want. Whenever I start feeling paws I take about 5000- 10,000 mg of vitamin C several times a day and I swear it just levels me out right away. Like I said, I know that sounds crazy but it really does work. Although there has been some controversy about it there have been articles published on this and I can attest that it does work for me at least. If you’re worried about acidity you can also get vitamin C in a form called sodium ascorbate which is sodium based and is even better for this. At the very least mega -doses of vitamin C can help your body restore itself.
Ill tell you what I’ve found the real secret for lasting happiness for me is— the secret is doing the next right thing. Just keep doing exactly what you doing. There’s a quote that I try to live by because time and time again I have found that it is true in any and every sense of life: "People that are the most depressed do what they WANT to do, but the people that are the happiest do what they HAVE to do."
Being in the fitness field I know you can absolutely relate to why this is. Don’t let your brain trick you, because you KNOW you’re on the right path. Just keep doing exactly what you doing and fill your day with discipline and soon the joy will begin to creep up on you. There are wonderful things waiting for someone such as yourself if you just hold fast to what you know is right and ignore the mind chatter. You’ve obviously been given MANY gifts, people really respond to you. I mean look at the people who have followed this thread for so many years!
While I know we will still ache to a certain degree over our past loves and they will never be exactly the same, there are MANY wonderful people in the world that are easy and worthy to fall in love with. With the honesty and heart behind your writing, I can’t imagine you having a difficult time finding the right woman for you when the time is right. Just let that happen when it does, and as long as you are living well you are just going to naturally attract that girl that is right for you and when it happens you are going to know it. Slowly, you will begin to quit counting the days and thinking so much of the losses and depression because as you do the next right thing, many of the losses will be restored and your body will begin to just naturally heal itself. Just hold fast and know that things are going to change. You’ve got many people behind you here (as well as me) that are with you all the way!
Happy New Year!
