Desperate Highs From Around the World (For Humor Only. Don't be an Idiot and try this at Home.)
In Sudan it is found that many male field workers collect animal feces, cover them with small containers, and allow them to sit in the sun for a number of days. Once the proper gasses have been produced, the worker will lower his head to the container, lift a side, and then inhale deeply. It is, needless to say, an aquired "high." Possible health problems: Odors may be associated with symptoms in which the odorant is part of a mixture that contains a co-pollutant that is actually responsible for the reported health symptom. Odorous airborne emissions from confined animal operations, composting facilities, AND SLUDGE can contain other components that may be the cause of the symptoms such as bioaerosols consisting of endotoxin, dust from food, airborne manure particulates, glucans, allergens, microorganisms, or toxics. It should be noted that odor perception is not always an adequate warning of impending toxicity. This situation arises when a compound is toxic or irritating at concentrations below the odor threshold. I would think that that particular "odor" would be a very good indication of toxicity.
(source, Harpers)
The Recipe For Prison Pruno:
Prisoners gulp it down while holding their noses, they'll go to incredible lengths to make it, whipping up batches from frosting, yams, raisins and damn near everything.
The Ingredients.
* Ten oranges.
* An eight ounce can of fruit cocktail.
* Forty to sixty sugarcubes. Either hang out with old people who still use sugarcubes or steal a ton of sugar packets from the local deli.
* Sixteen ounces of water.
* A big plastic bag that can be sealed. Trashbags and rubber bands are totally cool, as are Ziploc bags.
* Some ketchup. Six packets of ketchup from the local deli should cover things nicely. Please use Heinz, because anything else is kinda nasty and will ruin your Pruno.
* A towel.
STEP ONE -- PEEL, SMASH AND HEAT.
1. Toss the oranges into the Ziploc bag. 2. Open the can of fruit cocktail and dump it into the bag, along with your own emotional cocktail of nihilism, depression and crippling boredom. 3. Mash them furiously, feeling the anger of being unjustly sentenced to hellish bourgeois existence of cable television and suburban shopping malls. 4. Squeeze in a state of frenzied self-involvement. You now have a big bag of gushy fruit. In order to take that fruit to the next level, you're going to need to heat it up to get the process going. Use hot water to warm the bag enough to get it up to snuff.
DROWNING YOUR SORROWS.
1. Go run the hot water in your bathtub. 2. Now that the fruit has been beaten to a pulp, throw in sixteen ounces of water and mingle together. Double check that Ziploc seal to ensure you don't spill orange goo all over the place. As the water begins to steam, allow the sneaking feeling that you'll never amount to anything run down your spine. 3. Place the bag under the tap for 15 minutes to heat it up.
BE PATIENT AND SLIGHTLY PARANOID.
1. You will now have a large, ominious Ziploc bag of warm crap. 2. Take the pruno, tenderly, like a proud parent of a newborn and wrap it in a towel, so it can stay warm and speed along the fermentation process. 3. Stash "Baby Pruno" extremely well, so none of the authority figures in your life will start asking questions and have to be shanked later on. Once your bag of festering fruit is hidden, wait 48 hours while constantly paranoid someone will find your pruno and steal it. Accuse everyone. Refuse to sleep.
_
STEP TWO: A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR.
After 48 hours of sitting in a warm place, that bag of mashed fruit will attempt to become a crud-filled beach ball, as the gases released from the start of the fermentation process swell the plastic bag. Once the bag is opened, you'll immediately smell something yeasty and foul, like bread dough that's been raised on the mean streets of South Central. This smell is a good thing. It means you're ready to feed your pruno. To speed along the fermentation and also to impart a better taste, you're going to have to add something sweet to the mix.
1. This means it's ketchup and sugar time! After you've befreinded that old person and raided the local Burger King, 2. add two big old squirts of ketchup and 50 sugar cubes. Swish around the ketchup and sugar a bit, which will give the pruno a reddish tint, then go run that hot water. Stinky Baby Pruno needs a bath. Real bad. 4. Instead of 15, run the pulp under the faucet for a full 30 minutes to ensure the sugar is fully absorbed into the fermenting fruit juice. 5. After heating the bag, wrap it up again.
STEP THREE: RINSE, LATHER, HEAT, REPEAT.
With the sugar feeding the fermentation process, Baby Pruno will continue to give off gas as alcohol is produced. Make sure to keep a close eye on Baby Pruno, because if you're not careful, the bag holding Baby Pruno will pop, letting nasty orange pulp and mushy fruit cocktail seep all over the place.
Now that everything's together, all you have to do is wait, heating the bag up under hot water for 15 minutes once a day for the next three days. Once you're done with this last push, the pruno is "ready" to drink.
THE HOME STRETCH
The last three days of pruno making are not very strenuous, but in the spirit of providing complete, easy-to-follow _
_ directions, I present the final steps. 1. Heat the bag. 2. Wait a day. 3. Heat the bag. 4. Wait a day. 5. Heat the bag. 6. Wait a day. 7. Prepare to die. _
_
Since it's a reflective moment, what with you preparing to die and saying your prayers and all, lets take a look back on the pruno making process and celebrate your considerable achievements. Below you can find, the Prunar Calendar, which outlines the entire process you've gone through. Look at all that waiting you did between steps! Well, the wait is almost over.
STEP FOUR: CUT THE CRAP, LEAVE THE JUICE.
All of the hard work is just about finished now and rivers of illicit -- and possibly toxic -- prison hooch await you. The final step merely involves separating the rotting fruit from the quasi-alcoholic juice, and it smells. Oh lord, does it smell.
_ 1. After a week's worth of being heated up and wrapped in a towel, your pruno will be a mushy bag of fruit glop. 2. Pruno looks almost exactly like vomit. Oddly it smells like vomit, too. 3. Spoon out the fruit mash, leaving behind only the liquid. 4. You middle-class wannabe Marthas can use a strainer to ensure none of the fruit remains slip into the beverage. 5. Of course, this strainer does little to stop the mold, which you can see in that white splotch right there. 6. Without the fruit you will have _enough pruno left over to fill about two pint glasses. Pruno does, in fact, seem to have some kind of alcoholic content. An odd burning sensation accompanies the first sip and the liquid gives off the tell-tale stink of booze "goodness." The only drawback pruno has, aside from its unappealing tannish-orange color, the white flecks of mold floating on the top and the smell you can't wash off, is its taste. For lack of a better metaphor, pruno tastes like a bile flavored wine cooler. It tastes so bad, in fact, that it could very well be poisonous or psychedelic, which might explain the violence it induces in people. In the end, pruno stands as testament to the sad lengths man will go to in order to get high.
So, you see, some of you really aren't that bad off (in comparison). Well, mabe you are.
