I need to tell the story of my dead brother

Before you continue reading, I must warn you that it will contain graphic details. My brother, Jordan Lee Novak, 19 years old, brother and best friend to me, Trevor Novak, passed away on Sunday, December 21, 2008. I found him dead hanging in his bathroom.

I have to tell this story and if you can handle it, please read it. This is part of my grieving process and bluelight is the first place I decided to come for support external to those who knew my brother.

It was Sunday morning at 3:15 am. I was asleep in my bed, laying with my girlfriend. My phone rang. I woke up and waited for it to stop. It rang again. I thought perhaps my brother was calling me for a ride home from work, or from a bar, or somewhere. I always took my brother where he needed to go. I told him to call me at 3 in the morning if he needed me and that he could call ten times in a row to wake me up and id be there. If I came grumpy, it was only because I was tired but I was glad to be there for him. I told him I loved him everyday and told him I would always help him with anything he needed.

I answered the phone. It was Katie, my brother's ex-girlfriend. It was 3:20 am.

"Hello?" I said.
"Trevor, I think Jordan is going to hurt himself."
"What? What do you mean."
"He said that he was going to do something and to know that it isn't my fault and that he loves me."
"Okay, let me call him and I will call you back."
I called him several times over the next ten minutes. When I didn't get an answer, I decided to go over there.

I arrived at his apartment complex, it was 3:40 am. I walked up to his door and knocked.

No answer.

I opened the door and walked in. I saw his bedroom door shut with the lights off, and his roommates door shut with the lights off. I picked up the phone and called Katie.

"I think he is asleep, the doors are shut and the lights are off," I said.
"Trevor, go in there and make sure."
"He does this all the time, he prolly passed out."
"Go in there and make sure."
"Okay."
I reached for the door. It was locked.

"It's locked."
"Use a credit card, it works all the time."
"Alright, I'll call you right back."
I walked in. It was dark and I saw a lump under the comforter on his bed. I walked over and threw it off the bed. He wasn't under it. I thought perhaps he had gone for a walk as he usually does and would call me for a ride.

"The door was locked though." These words echoed in my head. I looked around and saw the bathroom door. The light was on and a sheet was hanging over the top. The event was so surreal I didn't quite grasp what was going on. I walked over and looked under the door and saw socks. I reached under and grabbed them and I felt feet. I ran out and banged on his roommates door. I ran back to the bathroom and began punching and kicking around the handle so it would break. I reached my hand through the hole that I made, and unlocked the door.

With my right arm I reached in and grabbed him and held him and with my left hand I opened the door. As the door opened, I felt him fall into my right arm. I lowered him to the floor. I opened the door and he was blocking it. I jumped up through the top because I could wedge it easier and landed over the sink.

I grabbed him and took the sheet off from his neck. He had small redish-purple marks but there were not any depressions or leisons. His head was fall over like a bobble-head, so I cradled it with my left hand and held his head up straight. I grabbed him and held him and looked at him and kissed him. I screamed at him and screamed and screamed and held him. His roommate called the police.

We dragged him out and began to perform CPR.

My brother didn't make it. I am fairly certain he drank himself into a blackout and possibly took pills (but we have not got the toxicology report). I do not think he would have done this had he not blacked out. All of the bad things Jordan always found himself in were a result of blacking out. We always talked about the dangers of it.

He had done this a week prior but I was never made aware. He roommate and girlfriend had found him and slapped him and woke up but when he did it that time, it was for attention. It had tried to kill himself before in the past even as a teenager but it was always in a way that seemed like it was for attention. He told his roommate and friend not to tell me because he knew I would worry. If they had told me before, I would been there with the doors knocked down in five minutes.

But I do not think that would have saved him.

There was a Darkness calling his name. It was echoing inside. Inviting him, calling him, begging him. It resonated. He faught it as long as he could and as hard as he could but the Darkness finally took him from me. I was fighting so hard to protect him. I was fighting against the Darkness. I knew it existed and I was doing my best to destroy it but it is hard to destroy in other people. Only they can win the battle on their own.

Every five seconds I see my brother falling from the door into my arms. I see his feet under the door. I can feel them in my hands still. I can feel his body in my arms. I can still smell his cologne. It smelled good when he died in my arms. He look asleep, I thought he was only asleep. He was warm. I still feel his heat, and I feel his hair in my hand as I held his head.

Tell your brother or sister or mother or father or friend or enemy you love them, because you never know when they might not be there the next day.

There have been over 100 different people come through our house, crying, collapsing and dying inside. There are a lot of people here in this house, together, who normally, would have not been caught dead with each other.

I know if my brother were able to talk to me in my ear about what was going on, he would tell me to get them the fuck out of the house.

But you don't get a say in this one Jordan. Not this time man.

I am at peace because I told him I loved him everyday and I was ALWAYS there for him. He knew I was. He always told people to call me if they needed help with Jordan and they usually did.

I am at peace because I kicked that fucking door in and I pulled him down and I held him and I loved him and I tried to save his life. He didn't stay there all night. He didn't stay there for a day or two days. He stayed only long enough and I got there to be with him at the end of it all I can feel like even though I didn't protect him, I rescued him. He died in the arms of his brother and I truly think he would have wanted it that way.

I love you Jordan.

Trevor, what words could I say that could assuage this terrible thing? All I have is the empathy from my heart to yours...

Damn, I feel for you, "My prayers will be with you and your family for the holidays" Thanks for sharing!!!

Your story produced tears in my eyes. I haven't cried over another person's suffering in a long, long time, possibly never. I'm really sorry man, you seem to be coping decently, man, you already seem to know this, but you did fucking good. You're what every brother should be, man, I dunno what to say. Condolences, ya know, but more than that, I'm just really sorry. In a way, thank you for sharing, it reminds me that there is more I can do for the people that mean a lot to me. You will make a great role model for your children when they come, that or you're already being a great father.

RIP Jordan.

thats awful, you are in my prayers soon the fog will clear and you will see the beauty in life again, so sorry for your loss.
xx claire.

There is no pain like the loss of a sibling. My prayers are with you.

there are no words for me to say to tell you how i feel about this.
for your loss, "sorry" just doesn't cut it.
i grieve with you, and pray for you and your family in this difficult time.

RIP Jordan Novak

I'm so sorry for your loss. But I'm glad you have the peace of knowing that he knew that you loved him so much, and you did everything you could. And you know that he's not hurting any more. Many condolences to you and your family

R.I.P Jordan

Dude, I'm so sorry.

I'm ever so sorry to hear this deeply tragic news.
You have my condolences.

That's good that you're at peace with yourself. Most people blame themselves no matter how much it doesn't make sense. You're a good man to be able to know that you did all you could and that you were a good brother throughout all of this.

complex, I am sooo sorry. For every story I read on this forum, I'm reminded of the horror of finding out your loved one is dead. I too have nightmares and visions and the view of my BF blue in his bed and already going through lividity and rigor mortis haunt me.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Your story made me cry.

trevor, u write well
its an emotional time of yr and uve lost someone dear to u
believe me i am shedding tears after reading that, and ur family and jordans other loved ones will b in my prayers, esp over xmas
ive never lost a close family member but i hav lost many friends and a special bf, like lysis did
to a degree i feel ur pain
if u want to talk any further, plz do not hesitate to PM me

may he rest in peace..

I also cried reading this. I hope your brother finds in death the peace that eluded him in life.

*hugs*

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm glad that you told him you loved him every day. I know it's not the same, but when my family's dog died I knew shortly beforehand that it was going to happen. I talked to her and told her that she'd lived a good life, that she had brought light into the world and that she would be taken care of wherever she went afterwards. I think it's important to talk to animals and people about that before they die, but you can even talk to his soul after he dies and let him know similar things. I think it brings comfort to both souls.

Tragic and heartbreaking

Pillthrill said:

I could have cried.
As a person who has be seriously thinking about suicide lately...I didn't think it would be that traumatic. I don't know who would find me. If it was my mother, with her mom having cancer and her brother just dying...my lil brother, only 18 heading in to college...
I was unaware of the horror of the pain and flashbacks.
I always said I would post a note not to go in, just call 911 cause its already too late. But I doubt they would listen...

I'm so so so sorry for your loss and your pain. It doesn't ease my pain, but it really does make me think about what could happen. I could pretty much destroy someone's life cause them pain, because I was in pain.

I'm sorry this has been so much about me. It was just a wake up call. I'll be re-reading this post I'm sure.

I hope you find some peace.

Click to expand...

We had one of his friends, Timmy here with us last night. Jordan had recently saved Timmy from trying to commit suicide and Timmy was so grateful for Jordan saving him and helping him stay strong. Timmy always went to save Jordan when he got too drunk somewhere, or needed a friend.

The fact that the person who saved him and made him want to live, is now the same person who has killed himself. That is scaring me.

I am afraid seeing this might not ease that darkness forever and that it will only be a stopgap measure. I am afraid that Timmy might ultimately do this to himself.

Please do not ever fucking try to kill yourself because you are going to really fuck some people up badly.

Thank you for your support. My Mom stumbled upon my post here on her computer and printed it off. We have had over 100 different friends of Jordan here, and quite a few haven't left the house since Sunday. The stories and words you offer help a lot. I love you guys.

Thank you for posting this. I think some good can come out of it because a lot of people here think that suicide might be the only way out of their problems and addiction and they forget to how selfish suicide can be when you consider how your family and friends will feel.

I'll keep you and your family and Jordan in my thoughts.

I only read the first paragraph then told myself I am too sensitive to read this and so i stopped, but nonetheless wanted to give this
*hug*