• Bluelight
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    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

I need to tell the story of my dead brother

Care said:
:(

im at a loss for words.
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I agree. There are no words. I know. I want you to know you can always email me or PM me and we can talk. I really really don't mean to sound like "me too!!" "me too!!" but on Dec. 7th one year ago my brother, 20 years old, died from high dose abrupt xanax w/d. I never knew he was abusing them like that.

You are fortunate you got to talk to your brother everyday. My brother and I had a big falling out one and a half years before he died. We never spoke again. That makes it hard but what I empathize with you on is the true sadness and that is the fact that these deaths are preventable, they did not HAVE to happen.

That is what kills me...that and the fact that he wouldn't stop shooting dope and abusing massive amounts of dope and ended up being an informant, which is why I quit speaking to him, but you have to understand he was a good person inside...his life got so far off track that it crashed and burned.

I don't mean to go on about my problems, I just wanted you to know that I understand, or at least can relate I think in some way, to your pain. If your parents are anything like mine then you know how much harder it is watching them, and other siblings if you have them, go through it. I remember my other brother and I awaiting pall bearer duty after the priest ended his Irish shouting about hellfire, not really but....catholic, and I just remember us both saying to each other "I might puke"...crazy.

I can tell you that you won't remember a lot of this initial stuff and events in just a few months...and not due to drugs or anything, you just can't remember it...I don't remember Dec - July of 2007-2008. I mean I remember things, but not much and the farther back to the date I get the less clear things are.

About people who would never be in your house being there...the guy that I and my brother hated, who pulled my own gun on me while drunk, him not me, I don't drink, and it was loaded with a hair trigger/short firing pin, he gave the fucking eulogy and catered the diner afterwords!!!!!! No one told me of course, I would never have allowed it..but there he was....talking like I give a damn about what he has to say about Patrick. Weird how the ones who would never be there show up.

Lastly I will say to PM me anytime and we can talk if you want. Take it easy and just know that many other families have to go through this unnecessary untimely death of a loved one.
 
I just came across this post and wanted to express my sincere heartache for you... I hope you, your family, and you and your brothers friends are healing as well as you can.

I also truly hope your brothers demons are gone and he is at peace, and within time, I hope those closest to him come to peace as well. **hugs**
 
I am truly crying right now from reading your story. I do not know how I would be able to handle what happened to you, and I am praying for you and your brother especially. And your family and all those affected by your brother's passing. I'm speaking from my heart when I say that there are much better things out there than this world and wherever his energy went is much more beautiful than here. He is at peace and he isn't tricked by the "love" and "happiness" of this world. He is finally free. Do not mourn for him, celebrate his life lived. You are a very strong person dealing with all of this and my condolenses and *love* go out to you and your family. <3 feel free to pm me if you need anyone to talk to I was very touched by your story and channeled your sadness.
 
Fuck thats such a terrible thing to hear. I know this is kind of a late response but i wanted to post. Your story means alot to me becuz my brother in law who I loved so much killed himself last year. He OD'd on his meds and went to sleep with a samurai sword laid on his chest holding it. thats wat let me know he did it on purpose. He locked his door and used to stay upstairs for days at a time not coming down. He would be quiet and keep to himself alot, he was very depressed. so when we didnt see him for a few days we didnt think nothing of it. Then finally my man went up to check on him and found him. he had been dead a few days. Its a horrible fucking thing. my heart hurts so bad inside thinking about it. i miss him so much and i wish i could of took his pain away becuz he was always suffering so much physically and mentally. its just like you said about your brother. The darkness is strong yo. It really is and its so hard to fight especially in others. you can only do your best and give it your all becuz it is out of your hands no matter how hard you wish and wish you coulda did something more. you just cant get thru sometimes. I feel for you brother and I will keep you n jordan in my thoughts. i dont know you but i can relate to your story so much and want you to kno that you aint alone in wat youre goin thru and i dont kno wat you believe but i do believe totally and completely that when our loved ones go they are in a better place. I know that my brother in law rick is OK because a few days after he passed I had a dream about him. I called my mans house and his brother answered. i was shocked that he picked up becuz he was dead and how could he answer the phone. i asked him how he was and he said to tell everyone that he is OK and not to worry. I believe that 100% he appeared in that dream to me to let me know that he was all right and made it to the other side. I know your brother is there as well. Much love my friend.
 
This is getting worse for me. I have been put on short-term mental disability leave from work. I feel like I am losing my mind. My typical day always somehow involved Jordan, whether it was me calling him on my break at work to see what was up, or calling him when I got off to see if he needed a ride to work or wanted to hang out. I do not know what to do. I cry so much, I am so lost now. This all feels so surreal still. Tomorrow will be one month since his death. February 21, 2009 will be his birthday and the two month anniversary. I hear him all the time and see him in distorted poses like I found him. I have moments where I lose sight of the entire thing and I am okay for a moment. I have been having panic attacks and sometimes I dissociate and really lose grasp of reality. I have a mandatory appointed Clinical Social Worker, who is an idiot, and a fantastic therapist who used to see my brother (when my brother was around 13 and 14). I am in safe hands in case I really start to lose it, so you do not have to worry about me. The only problem is the both know as well as I know, nothing is going to ease this insanity. I sleep with his ashes. They are inside a beautiful wooden house with a tea light inside, and hearts carved out of the sides and an intricate dream catcher carved out of the front, where you view the candle. He eats with me and watches tv with me. I know he isn't there. I remember kissing his dead face, mouth agape, eyes sunken in and rolled back, his neck completely limp. Hugging his just-dead warm body and smelling his cologne. It plagues my mind, even if just in the background. When I try to reconstruct conversations with him, I see those images of how he looked when he was hanging on the door. He speaks to me like I want him to speak but doesn't always look the way I want him to look. Now he is just some ashes in a wooden box. I don't understand it.
 
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I'm so sorry Trevor :(
I really hope it starts to get easier for you soon.
You have my love and best wishes <3
 
Be strong Trevor for yourself and Jordan. I'm sure thats what he wants for you to do and im sure that he thanks you for everything you did for him and all the love you gave him. I'm sure he loves you just as much and never meant to hurt you
 
My heart goes out to you man.

My father died in a similar way.It haunts me to this day how he died alone.. i never got to say goodbye damnit.

im sure wherever your bro's soul is now that he still loves you and wantes to say goodbye properly.
 
It's undoubtly hard to go through the death of a loved one, and by the things I read, it's harder when it's a suicide.

But at least he's at peace now and doesn't have to go through the darkness he's been going for all this time

<3
 
fear not the other side for Earth is your egg and never constructed to last forever...be strong and don't blame yourself, in time the pain will ease, I have seen people do this very thing before, it's just so hard to understand
 
My whole dad's side are alcoholics and my dad died a horrible death due to alcohol. Everyone else went to jail for DUI Uncle is in county `120 days, cousin is in prison, and these are all educated "successful" People. I am dying too. Switching from one drug to another I have no life. I'm sorry for you. I feel like killing myself all the time, but I hang on to this hope that someday it will stop. The chaos has been unreal. Addiction is worse than any disease IMO. You feel so out of control. Hate yourself, lose your life, career, family...I just ask God why?? And there are no answers.
 
I just read this story and it really affected me , I have two younger brothers and a younger sister and love them dearly , I wouldn't know what to do if something happened to them ..... My heart sincerely goes out to you man , I hope time has patched some of these wounds ..... Godbless your brothers soul
 
I appreciate the support that all of my bluelighters have shown me over this past year, it really means a lot. Bluelight has helped me try to apprehend this entire experience. I have always wanted to post the eulogy that I wrote and read at my brother's memorial service (he had over 700 people in attendence), so I decided that I finally would. Sorry of it is kind of long - I figured these were my last words to him (to his face at least) so I should put my mind and heart into it. My brother was a dead head, and loved to blaze so I thought I should be in the right mindset not only when I wrote this, but also when I read it. It was definitely the most intense, surreal, and dreamlike high that I have ever had.

These were the final words that I spoke at my brother's memorial service:

We are all gathered here today, united and unified, to mourn the loss of our beloved, Jordan Lee Novak. He was The Grand Architect of Dreams who was desperately searching for a way to engineer them; to realize that he was bright enough, brilliant enough, charming enough, beautiful enough, and special enough to discover how open the World really was for him. I have two separate pieces that I am going to read for everyone. The first is going to be from my mind; it is abstract and in my own words, so I ask that you please listen carefully. The second is going to be from my heart so I ask that you please open yours so that we can all forge a common connection.

An astonishing and rather remarkable exploration into the nature of the Universe is one which reveals to us our inability to correlate all its contents. Dissociated parcels of knowledge vanish behind veils of perception and emerge only momentarily to invite curiosity. Therein, one discovers the essence of Humanity which has hitherto, strained in an infinite series of misdirection. We live on a tiny rock, in the middle of a vast cosmic ocean standing abreast atop the only known island of civilization, where we silently reside within. Therefore, those exotic elements of the human experience, those inapprehensible things and events that confound imagination are sometimes all too difficult to describe. The mind, in all its elegance and beauty, in all its magnificence and grandeur, can be as frail and fragile as the thinnest sheet of ice. When it glimpses into those inextricable and frightful vistas of reality wherein one cannot discern between their perception of reality and what reality ought to be, then the mind shall find itself maddened from terrifying dreams and distorted nightmares or awestruck by the wonders of illusion and the delusion of majesty.

There was an eerie silence haunting the depths of my nearly abandoned soul that night. A deep shade of red light was shining about the face of the moon, reflecting a devilish chill down the narrows of my spine. I know there was some series of scientific reasons describing the conditions of that particular night, but it didn’t capture the psychological torment that the mind can generate. It can distort the most general environment into a dark obscurity, blurring the line between which is truly real and that which is merely masquerading behind a false guise. The stability of Jordan’s mind was plummeting off the proverbial deep end, into an endless abyss of undiscovered territory. It was inviting him. Oh, how it invited him, tempting him, promising him that the voices would be silenced. It promised that the images would fade away into The Darkness. The echoes of his name resonated from within The Darkness, embracing his great decline with a darling smile. The fall was not straight down however; it would bend, twist, loop and shift. The images, the sounds, the thoughts; he felt the grip of The Darkness tightening around his fragile soul. The essence of the soul dissipates with each squeeze, slowly destroying what used to be a conscience.

Even now, shadows dance on the horizon of the night sky, wearing the faces of the innocent One, Jordan. His eyes peering back into mine, reading my heart. They say that eyes are the gateway to the soul. If I could show you what I see, you would find that notion to be truer than you could ever imagine. The landscape of my mind is forever changed; a dejected sanctuary transformed from a rational mind, into an inescapable nightmare.

The frozen light reflects the ghostly identity of the dying, distant night sky. A phantom emerged out of this Ethereal Sea of Unyielding Despair; a reservoir concealed deep within the hollows of his mind, reflecting the abhorrence and consternation of his experience with the World. These ghastly images have crystallized into interactive memories, emerging as an inexplicable, interconnected network; transcendent beyond time itself, projecting the terror in my mind onto the dark space in front of my eyes. His tragedy has shaken the fragile structure of humanity

But that isn’t the end. Despite the dark, macabre illustration of this entire thing, a glimmer of light has started to shine through. Even though we have lost one of the most amazing people that I have ever met, we have all come together, stronger and better than we ever were before, and Jordan will live on as a legacy in our hearts in minds. This story has already saved the life of at least two people and we should all find some solace and comfort in that.

This second piece is from my heart, so let us all open ours. I remember growing with Jordan, always making each other laugh. We would always play together with legos, and video games, actions figures and sports. We played imaginary games such as: World War II, Viet Nam, Power Rangers, and WWF Wrestling on the trampoline. When we shared a room and had bunk beds, he would ask if he could “come over and spend the night,” which meant, “can I sleep with you in your bed tonight,” When he slept with me in my bed we would build blanket domes. We would pretend we were on other planets together and we would make up fantastic stories to tell each other. We isolated ourselves into The Brother Realm, where only we existed at the time. I remember playing video games with my dad, Steve Novak and Jordan; we would hang out and watch movies together. We would tell jokes and stories. Dad, Jordan and I had a lot of fun together. It was just the guys. A dad and his boys, happy, smiling, and playing together. Jordan always loved hanging out with Dad, especially as we grew up and we could all better understand each other. We loved to sit around and tell stories about the times that Jordan, Dad and I hung out and how much joy it brought to our lives.

I remember Jordan and I visiting and living with our Aunt Lynn and Uncle Brandon. Going to museums with them. Playing in their house, meeting their friends. I remember Brandon and Lynn treating us like their own kids. I remember Zeke, Jordan, Drake and I growing up at Nana’s house, playing the backyard and the playroom. Jordan always made sure we had fun.

Jordan showed me a lot of music. He showed me a lot of movies. He showed me a lot. He shared a lot with me. We loved each other. Even when I was with Jordan, I found myself telling endless stories about him. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night, wondering what my brother was doing and if he needed a ride home. I always made sure to pick him up no matter where he was and no matter what time it was. I gave him anything and everything he wanted. I made sure he was taken care of. I was there for him always. I always told him to call me no matter what.

That kid was always there for me. He always felt like he had do things for me, because he knew how much it meant to me to see him succeed. I got so much damn joy out of helping take care of that kid. He would do anything for you, all you had to do was ask.

This is a network here. All of us in one way or another, dedicated ourselves to ensuring Jordan was safe, protected, and guided down the right path.

Godspeed to you Jordan. My brother and best friend. Godspeed to you as you traverse the Universe. Godspeed to you as you build and design our dreams and guide us through your memory.

I love you Jordan and I will forever miss your face, smiles, laughs, hugs and kisses.
 
i am so sorry <3

those 2 pieces you wrote are absolutely beautiful, despite their dark nature.

rip jordan
 
~*geNeRaTiOn E*~ said:
i am so sorry <3

those 2 pieces you wrote are absolutely beautiful, despite their dark nature.

rip jordan
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It was a dark time, and I didn't want the people there to forget what it felt like, and hopefully, if they ever found themselves peering over the horizon into that dark abyss, the feelings that emerged during those days following my brother's suicide would reveal themselves and perhaps that pain might change their minds. It was also my way of telling him in my own words what he did to me, and to everybody around him. As much as I love him, I have to be honest with myself, both intellectually and emotionally, and I have make certain I never forget that night.

However, my intention to hopefully deter other people from committing suicide by describing what I went through, and what he must have felt, failed.

On March 27, 2009, three months after my brother hung himself, my fiance's mother committed suicide by purposely overdosing on morphine. While my brother did not leave any notes except for a note I later discovered in his cell phone which simply said, "Goodbye," her mother left several notes. I had to go through them before their family could read them, because her mother had issues with depression and bi polar disorder, and I didn't want their last memories to be hurtful words from her. I burned three of the four letters with their permission (which I often wonder if I should have just hidden them until they were healed enough to read them but I was so dissociated and disconnected and suffering from flashbacks that I couldn't form a cogent thought sequence). They were very mean and horrible. The fourth letter was written when she was peaking on morphine, and it was pleasant and comforting (well inasmuch as it can be after your mother kills herself), so I decided they should read that one.

When my brother died, we had 700 rubber bracelets made (like the Lance Armstrong ones), which read, "R.I.P. Jordan Novak, SUICIDE SUCKS!" When her mother killed herself, she was wearing the bracelet. When my fiance told her mother what happened when my brother died, she cried and wrote me a letter about how much pain I must be in. She seemed to empathize with me. I can only assume that when you make the final decision to kill yourself (and I do not have experience with this so if anybody can explain this mindset to me, I would appreciate it), you do not consider those things, or perhaps you do but you do not have any positive emotional response to them because it didn't seem to have an effect on her.
 
Sorry for your loss man. lost one to 17 yrs ago.to wrapped up in my own life to save mine..
 
Your story makes me feel very sad, I'm sorry for your loss. I suffer from severe depression and your story has tought me about how much pain suicide can cause the people who love you. Thank you for sharing.
 
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