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Would a guy breakup with you for not having sex?

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penny86

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
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5
My ex of four months & I, recently brokeup. I think it had everything to do with my decision on not having sex before I was married.

I was honest from the beginning. I told him my beliefs, and he said he was perfectly fine with it. But, he seemed to pull away from me quite a bit. I had three conversations about giving me a heads up on why he would pull away. I always talked to him in a calm manner, but everytime he would say everything was fine, to let him get over it. But, in the last month and a half, he started saying things like not having sex wasn't bothering him, not having sex with me was starting to but it wasn't a big deal. Not to worry about it. I told him that I understood his standpoint & that I'd be willing to lessen his frustration in almost anyway I could. Btw he'd only communicate this through text. I suggested that we need to talk about it in person, and he would refuse. So, we never talked about it. About 3 weeks ago, we had a good weekend (where he told me he loved me) but, then the last time we hung out he started acting strange. He didn't want to spend the rest of the day with me. It seemed like he was making excuses to be honest. So, I text him that I was upset. He text me that he understood where I was coming from. But, he felt like I didn't understand how attracted he was to me. That he felt that we were in an awkward friendship,but that it was something that he guessed he would need to get used to. Then the next day he didn't contact me. I called him to see what was wrong, and he basically said nothing that he was fine, that he wanted to be with me, but to let him get over it. I said ok. Then I text him that I was trusting that he was leading me down the right path, and he proceeded to get upset with me, which lead him to breakup with me. He recently said that he broke up with me because he felt like I didn't trust his word when he said everything was fine. He tried blaming the break up on me saying that I was looking for a problem in our relationship. That it had nothing to do with sex. That since I was looking for an issue in our relationship, that he made one up, which was sex. I personally don't believe that. I believe that since he said he could handle being in this type of relationship, and realized that he couldn't, he made up an excuse to why he broke up with me.

I want some foresight from others to see if my assumption is the most probable.

Do you think not having sex was the problem?
 
Did you trust him when he said everything was fine? Sound like you doubted / still doubt that what he said was true - it must be pretty difficult for him to adjust to this no sex relationship so I can imagine his frustrations.

I can sort of understand why at the end of the day he would start to pull away from you, rather leave early than stick about and get frustrated with sex not being an option. If each of these episodes was followed by a text from you saying are you ok etc what would you expect?

If the guy was doing what you asked and not expecting sex at the end of the date - how could he be leading you down the wrong path? Sounds like maybe you were nagging him a bit too much, that coupled with the frustrations of no sex made him feel its not worth it.

To answer your question - Would a guy breakup with you for not having sex?
Yes a lot of them would.
 
Yeah sure it was sex, at least going by your description. And dont blame yourself. You have your convictions and that is very commendable, you must never let anyone force you into something you dont want to. That doesnt mean not being open minded and perhaps change your mind and perspective. But in this case, he obviously ended the relationship with some halfa*sed excuse.

The moment he refused to talk about it in person he showed his cards. If sex was this important to him he shouldve been prepared to talk about it and how to deal with it. He wasnt. You were, you are mature he is not. You were obviously prepared to do anything to resolve this. It just seems to him sex is very important but he is somewhat immature and wasnt prepared to talk about it. And FFS its been 4months. If he cannot hold it back for 4 months and find joy just being with you, you mind better be off without him.
 
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Not to sound like a dick but i wouldnt go out with a girl if there was no sex. And marriage? Enjoy losing your freedom except if you like to cheat on your bfs
 
Yeah it probably was the sex. He probably changed his mind.
You were only dating for four months so he did change his mind pretty early in the relationship.

To be honest, I probably wouldn't date a guy if he didn't want to have sex. It's just ... I like sex. That's one of the things I look for in a partner. It's not hard to find a guy who will have sex in a relationship ;p but it still is something I'd be looking for.
 
At Bearlove: No, I didn't believe him when he would say everything was fine. If you're pulling away, there's clearly an issue. I would give him his space. But, since it was quite often, I thought it best totry to address it in person. Like I stated before I had 3 conversations about trying to communicate. I even told him that he didn't have to give me details, just a heads up if he needs space. I was super chill. Of course I'd worry if he pulled away, and I didn't txt him everytime. He just wouldn't tell me anything. I tried my best. When I said I trust you that you're leading me down the right path, i meant I was trusting his word.
 
The reason I also wanted to talk to him was because I wanted to tell him that I was considering on breaking my promise to myself, but until I knew that our relationship was stable. But, since he didn't want to talk, I didn't.
 
Most people would feel that being denied sex was in line with rejection.


Even worse if it's from some one you don't care about.
 
Whatever you reasons are for holding out until marriage, did he also have these convictions? If not, perhaps he realised over that four months that he really wanted to have sex, and did the noble thing by ending the relationship before finding it in another woman.
 
penny86 said:
The reason I also wanted to talk to him was because I wanted to tell him that I was considering on breaking my promise to myself, but until I knew that our relationship was stable. But, since he didn't want to talk, I didn't.
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Seems like you only made this decision after you two broke up. Kind of in spite?
 
llama112 said:
Yeah it probably was the sex. He probably changed his mind.
You were only dating for four months so he did change his mind pretty early in the relationship.

To be honest, I probably wouldn't date a guy if he didn't want to have sex. It's just ... I like sex. That's one of the things I look for in a partner. It's not hard to find a guy who will have sex in a relationship ;p but it still is something I'd be looking for.
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pretty much feel the same way, except from the male perspective.

I also don't want to hear anything about marriage from a girl that I just started dating lol.

But "do you". Get it how u live.
If that is your belief, then by all means stick to your guns.
 
I think if he really loved you he would wait, because the guys that i have been with were okay with that. But and then again im pretty young so that probably has a lot to do with it.
 
I was upfront with what I represented. He knew that from the beginning. What's funny is that he's the one that would talk about marriage lol
 
test
Lots of guys are not comfortable discussing emotions for some pulling away and having a think about things is all they need. All they need is a bit of down time / quiet time to think about the situation and then they get on with it - he was feeling frustrated with the situation (regardless how clear you were prior), the more he fell in love with you the more he wanted to share that love physically. He was probably pulling away from you at the end of a great day, day out to protect himself but instead of you just leaving him to his quiet time you would then be perceived to be nagging at him via text message.


To him you may have had the full commitment thing mixed up in your head - to him you may have been thinking. If I'm good enough to sleep with I'm good enough to marry. He may have really loved you, he may have been telling you that he wants to be with you for the long haul (including marriage) and was committing himself to you - you on the other hand were/are waiting for a piece of paper/ring before you consider yourself married .

What difference does it make to you? How long would you have to date a guy before you got married? Do you still get intimate with a guy ?
 
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in the history of mankind sex has been what draws two people together.

from my point of view why would i buy a car forever (and marriage is meant to last is it not?) if i dont know how it drives when i intend on driving it daily for years/decades. doesn't make any sense.

my point is religion is a nice idea but its really about power and money and the trickle down regulations from on high are just things that people made up. if you chose to follow them fine but i only follow the ones that make logical sense (like be nice to your mum and dont kill people) and that happen to benefit me. sex before marriage is NOT one of these rules nor is circumcision.

my point is that this outcome is inevitable unless you want to marry a man with almost no sexual awareness/skills.

who cares if you have slept with lots of people? thats just practice and when you find someone you like temptation though there dissipates because sex is not the same as love and caring and thoughtfulness

love is out there but you have to be willing to take risks within reason and opening your legs to someone who might leave you is one of these risks;), but its a really fun one and a great learning experience.

penny86 said:
I was upfront with what I represented. He knew that from the beginning. What's funny is that he's the one that would talk about marriage lol
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yeah because he's thinking "if i talk about it enough i might get some sex"
 
i like the idea of forming a relationship without it having sex involved and then introducing sex once a bond is formed

e.g. 3 months of dating and then sex

i would also have a problem with no sex before marriage due to the reasons bearlove pointed out and also, it just feels like if a woman feels that way, then it seems like she would feel a relationship that isn't for life is a 'waste of time', i dont believe that past relationships can be wasted time, so long as something can be learnt from the experience
 
Unfortunately... yes. Ha. If a guy is used to having an active sex life... going to no sex life at all would definitely warrant a break up, as douchey as that may sound. Sex is a very important part of a relationship to many people. It's fine if it isn't for you..but then you need to find somebody else who feels the same way or it's just not going to work.
 
^ agreed.

as discussed in another thread. what is a relationship without sex? two close friends.

perhaps in the beginning of your relationship it was a sacrifice he was willing to make for the sake of being together; and as time progressed, realized it was as important to him as it is to you to retain your abstinence? sex is a bonding experience between two partners that strengthens the connection they share. maybe hes missing sharing that with you?

...kytnism...:|
 
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