will MDMA open my heart? did it for you at all?

[donsplum]

will MDMA open my heart? did it for you at all? did MDMA change you/your life?

pretty sure i may be a bit of a rare, severe case, but idk.

i cant feel any good emotions. im 20 and im just now realizing this. i have a bit of an eating disorder so i would always constitute the sugar rushes iw ould get from my binges as 'good feelings' so i never really questioned the idea that i never felt real 'happiness' or 'love' or 'joy' or even 'compassion'. ive had a bit of a rough childhood and adolescence

sorry if too much info. trying to get to the point as quick as possible

all i feel all day every day is rage, annoyance, bitterness, etc etc. im also completely isolated. dont feel bad if you are. pls

ive looked into MDMA and it seems it will help me feel good emotions / open my heart {chakra}(if you believe in that kind of thing) because i believe my heart to be completely and utterly closed. it almost feels like a rock in my chest. i can be an emormous asshole because of this. the kind of asshole who takes the elephant in the room, makes it into a cutting wittcism/joke and throws it into the face of the person who caused the elephant in the room, making them feel embarrassed/terrible. a bit like rick from rick and morty or dead poool, or maybe even sheldon from bbt. not patting myself on the back or anything ( bc i think mentioning deadpool causes ppl to think im comparing myself to someone others percieve as cool), just showing you the monstrocity of my heartlessness and assholeism. someone could tell me their mother died and i could laugh in their face and feel nothing. i might actually then feel some kind of sadistic 'happiness' (not actually happiness) because of their emotional suffering caused by my laughing in their face. WTF

i think im pretty severely traumatized. im not sure if ive ever felt positive feelings in my entire life, considering im on the brink of tears if someone does something as small as says hi to me in a happy way

TBH im one of those loner people who would shoot up a school if i wasnt so self aware (so scary) {<---- thats the cutting sarcasm im talking about... i felt the urge to write that so i did to show you how i impulsively behave}. im one of those guys people think will kill them in their sleep because im silent and always alone.

im hoping mdma will make me be able to feel good and expand my capacity for good feelings in you will, because right now it is at 0

i might come off as 'off' as you read this, and that is because i am for the most part. its cool though. i view myself from a very detached manner, almost as if 'myself' as a character in a book or something. as if the way i behave is not 'me' , but the way 'i' am programmed to behave. ntot taking responsibility away. ive done lsd many times and been through an ego death and this is the result (the detachedness from thought, behavior...etc) (some may call it enlightenment, im not, though.)

what are your thoughts, guys?

did mdma change you at all? expand your capacity for good feelings? change anyone you know? im thinking about buying 150mg and taking it in a park and seeing where it takes me. im really excited because i have never felt happiness before

im sorry, i know a lot of the things im typing here may pull at your heart strings, but please know im nto trying to do that. i cant really feel much so im not really exactly sure which parts do that. im only vaguely aware. like the part where i say ive never felt happiness before, i know logically that is going to make someone feel sad, but i have no idea on an emotional level. im like a robot. i think most people know in their heart when what they are saying is harsh or brash, but i have no idea... most of the time. and when i do, its purely on a logical level.

mdma is a hail mary and its possible that its possibly my last hope at healing myself

 

[quinlan]

Mdma will probably help you with this considering it floods your brain with the chemical that makes you feel happy serotonin and btw your apatite is very decreased on mdma because it is a stimulant i hope this post helps you i suggest trying it. i have only used it for fun but i can see its potential for medicinal uses

 

[Clocktower]

Have you ever tried more traditional treatments like therapy?

Frankly, I wouldn't recommend MDMA for what you're trying to achieve. It's dangerous, because while it will make you feel happy acutely (much like the 'sugar rush' you described), it might make you feel even worse than normal in the days following your experience.

If you've tried traditional therapy and medication without success, and you're really looking for a hail-Mary emotional ass kicking and re-evaluation of your life, I suggest you research psychedelic drugs like LSD instead.

 

[donsplum]

Mdma will probably help you with this considering it floods your brain with the chemical that makes you feel happy serotonin and btw your apatite is very decreased on mdma because it is a stimulant i hope this post helps you i suggest trying it. i have only used it for fun but i can see its potential for medicinal uses

Thanks for the reply. I ageree with your last sentence.

Have you ever tried more traditional treatments like therapy?

Frankly, I wouldn't recommend MDMA for what you're trying to achieve. It's dangerous, because while it will make you feel happy acutely (much like the 'sugar rush' you described), it might make you feel even worse than normal in the days following your experience.

If you've tried traditional therapy and medication without success, and you're really looking for a hail-Mary emotional ass kicking and re-evaluation of your life, I suggest you research psychedelic drugs like LSD instead.

Therapy is worthless IMO. Maybe I've had bad therapists or smthing. Thanks though. Also I've done LSD many times and it didn't really help w emotions. Tbh LSD blew my mind wide open. Im hoping MDMA will do the same with my heart....in a good way.

 

[PillsAndKills]

If I were you I would take the advice of clocktower. Its definitely the minority but MDMA can trigger all sorts of mental afflictions in people even with no prior problems (including myself currently) even days after the initial experience, and seeing as you already have a disorder it may exacerbate your symptoms. There are a few studies which suggest MDMA can be used to treat some disorders such as PTSD, although these studies focus on a small dosage in the presence of a therapist who would guide the affected person throughout the experience. To try it on your own in a park, personally I think is an unwise thing to do.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Therapy is worthless IMO. Maybe I've had bad therapists or smthing. Thanks though. Also I've done LSD many times and it didn't really help w emotions. Tbh LSD blew my mind wide open. Im hoping MDMA will do the same with my heart....in a good way.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you had such unpleasant experiences. Therapy has actually been proven to be effective, over and over again with all disorders. You may have gotten some bad therapists, or they might have not been a match for you. Every person is different just like every therapist is different. You need to have some sort of connection with your therapist, some type of trust, I mean, afterall, you're going to be pouring your heart out to this person! You have to feel comfortable.

Do you have insurance? Copay is usually around $15 for 50 mins.
Go here --> http://locator.apa.org/ and search using your zip code.
Call and see if they accept your insurance, TALK TO AT LEAST FIVE. Tell them about your problems, concerns, and what you're hoping to gain, what are you looking for?
After about five conversations (yes it seems excessive but you really need to screen these people, who do you feel like understood you? )

Now make AT LEAST THREE appointments with different therapists. Go in, talk to them, see who you vibe with the most. Who can help you open up your heart? How's the energy? Who do you feel most comfortable with?

If none, call some more therapists. It's a process, but the sooner you do it, the soon you'll feel better. GL

 

[Year of the Rat]

I agree with squarerootof23 - you need to make an outward effort of some sort towards people before can expect to feel anything back. I too have a tendency to be very insular and self-analysing, which can be extremely unhealthy as it tends to strip away your empathy for other people - a kind of vicious circle. I have found that MDMA has helped me with this, but I also think that it needs to come from a social place. I'm not sure about just doing it by yourself. I say this because you seem to be putting yourself down a lot and I think it would be helpful to turn your focus on other people - maybe something more positive will come from this as you see things in other people that you like, and in time maybe recognise in yourself.

 

[Kl519]

Positive thinking will be beneficial.

Mdma can assist with that mindset and process, but it's not something to be relied on. Just gotta rely on yourself and believe in the process.

Nobody has it too good. Nobody has it too bad either, barring real tragedies. Whatever is in your power that can be fixed should be the focus.

 

[Innerpeace]

are you on any prescription meds for your condition of not feeling ?

empathogens bypass the amygdala part of the brain involved in fear, which happens when a person is remember something traumatic . empathogens reduce fear, that normally the amygdalae would block, so the fear response isnt there and can reason clearly and not be overcome by fear as much. Sometimes if they event was so tramatic, it can take up to three session , as one just isnt enough. That is why empathogens are so good for couples therapy or overcoming traumatic event that happened.

 

[donsplum]

are you on any prescription meds for your condition of not feeling ?

empathogens bypass the amygdala part of the brain involved in fear, which happens when a person is remember something traumatic . empathogens reduce fear, that normally the amygdalae would block, so the fear response isnt there and can reason clearly and not be overcome by fear as much. Sometimes if they event was so tramatic, it can take up to three session , as one just isnt enough. That is why empathogens are so good for couples therapy or overcoming traumatic event that happened.

interesting.

thank all for responses.

ive decided to do it. ill post back in a few weeks with the results

if im being honest, i was always going to do it, i was just hoping for everyone to agree with my intent so i could have some kind of reinforcement behind my decision. sall good though

 

[Kl519]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you had such unpleasant experiences. Therapy has actually been proven to be effective, over and over again with all disorders. You may have gotten some bad therapists, or they might have not been a match for you. Every person is different just like every therapist is different. You need to have some sort of connection with your therapist, some type of trust, I mean, afterall, you're going to be pouring your heart out to this person! You have to feel comfortable.

Do you have insurance? Copay is usually around $15 for 50 mins.
Go here --> http://locator.apa.org/ and search using your zip code.
Call and see if they accept your insurance, TALK TO AT LEAST FIVE. Tell them about your problems, concerns, and what you're hoping to gain, what are you looking for?
After about five conversations (yes it seems excessive but you really need to screen these people, who do you feel like understood you? )

Now make AT LEAST THREE appointments with different therapists. Go in, talk to them, see who you vibe with the most. Who can help you open up your heart? How's the energy? Who do you feel most comfortable with?

If none, call some more therapists. It's a process, but the sooner you do it, the soon you'll feel better. GL

I think this is really good advice, for sure. It helps to get an outside perspective on whatever problems that you might have, at least by someone trained to handle these things. It's also easier to just spill out everything to someone that doesn't know you personally. It seems backwards (vs. someone you know), but it takes the bias out too. It helped me a lot as well, as someone who was once suicidal when I was young, and just completely gave up on everything in life. Things will get better, and continue to get better, if you believe that it will!

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

^ Thanks. Aw, that's a sad story. But glad to hear therapy has helped you.

Idk about the OP doing it alone in the park.... :/ Might be amazing, but idk. You don't have any friends to try it with or...?

 

[donsplum]

nope. friendless.

i dont know. my theory is the feelling of love from the molly will heal me.

the other day a cat came up to me while i was sitting on the bench and in a few mins i started crying due to feeling some kind of connection with it. i think that shows how caged in i am?

 

[Kl519]

Pretty Diamonds-Np. Yeah, I was in high school, lol. It's why I'm sensitive about the suicide topic; I was close, and obviously I would've regretted it so I have a thing with instilling hope in people, because that was the lowest point I've ever been in. Therapy, included with the knowledge that a stranger actually cares about helping you, cannot be anything but beneficial if you are engaged with it and just let it all out.

OP-It will help, possibly, but you'll be the one that needs to help yourself. Unless of course, you can find yourself able to become a volunteer in one of MAPS' programs. Controlled setting and pure mdma, lol.

Edit: To answer the thread title-It did, but personally I think my heart was open to begin with. It was also somewhat of a "requirement" for me all of my life, so no thanks to that. Mdma just blasted it open temporarily. Negative thoughts and feelings need to be let go of for that to happen, that much I know from personal experience. Everyone knows what suffering and joy is like--we all just express them differently and sometimes in mysterious ways.

 

[maddee2145]

nope. friendless.

i dont know. my theory is the feelling of love from the molly will heal me.

the other day a cat came up to me while i was sitting on the bench and in a few mins i started crying due to feeling some kind of connection with it. i think that shows how caged in i am?

Maybe you should try Mescaline
or 2c-b/i
If we spoke about Hearth Chakra it is no better way to open it throw the warm Earth feeling of Mescaline.

Because MDMA is a tricky one ,you need or take it with someone like psychoterapist who can help you to open the closed heart or in other case after the MDMA magick will be over and there is still no place for you to come back you could probably be the sadest people in the world.

One more thing. Psychedelic drugs and Emphatogens is only the key. They not cure, but give you the tools to cure.
Everything after the doors is opened whatever by MDMA or other like I advised you 2c-b/i is your work.

Nithargadatta Maharaj:

 

[Innerpeace]

Because MDMA is a tricky one ,you need or take it with someone like psychoterapist who can help you to open the closed heart or in other case after the MDMA magick will be over and there is still no place for you to come back you could probably be the sadest people in the world.

[/IMG]

I feel theres nothing tricky about mdma. you need to have someone that is naturally empathetic in nature to watch you or do it with so you can open up. could be someone trained like a psychotherapist or someone just naturally empathetic...do it one on one if healing a part of you is the goal. many times people do mdma at a aprty and issues come up and the party distracts them and they dont get to work through it. In this case the people you take it witrh vow to work through issues and walk away from the party if you need too or just do it one on one or in a small group of trusted people

 

[donsplum]

Seems like I won't even need MDma. Heart seems to want to open on its own. Lots of tears. I'm holding back because the emotions are so raw. Pretty terrified. Heart keeps trying to escape its armor though. Maybe later.

 

[scarlet_tunic]

100% you should experiment with MDMA. It will open things in your heart that you didn't know were there. I am a very open person and happy and even for me I felt it did something special.

On that note, I'd also like to mention that if you have underlying psychological issues (which it seems like you might), it may make you feel worse than the average person taking it THE NEXT DAY. So while you might feel good on it, like all other recreational drugs it is merely a recreational drug. Perhaps if you were to realize this, and use it therapeutically? Take some and jot down a few notes about how you feel, what you think.. use that information for the coming days.

I will tell you something.. the world is not all roses.. I have realized this too, and throughout the years I've become more embittered than I used to be. I believe it is a process of life to realize that people will be mean to you, will be rude, will affect you, will treat you badly. Unfortunately. MDMA can help you feel temporarily like you're 'forgiving' everyone.. that's the effect I get. I tend to 'forgive' those who have wronged me, and feel a special kind of kinship with them. But, as a drug is, the next day when I have to deal with those people again I realize they are still angry.... it's a hit / miss with this one. I'd say try it and see what kind of experience it is and whether it will open up channels for you. You seem like you need that kind of work done anyway.. whether it be with MDMA or actual therapy.

 

[bolinas]

MAPS has posted a protocol for PTSD treatment with MDMA. I think it's worth a look if you want to seriously use MDMA as a therapeutic tool. One dose of MDMA can equal a decade of therapy in some cases...

 

[donsplum]

100% you should experiment with MDMA. It will open things in your heart that you didn't know were there. I am a very open person and happy and even for me I felt it did something special.

On that note, I'd also like to mention that if you have underlying psychological issues (which it seems like you might), it may make you feel worse than the average person taking it THE NEXT DAY. So while you might feel good on it, like all other recreational drugs it is merely a recreational drug. Perhaps if you were to realize this, and use it therapeutically? Take some and jot down a few notes about how you feel, what you think.. use that information for the coming days.

I will tell you something.. the world is not all roses.. I have realized this too, and throughout the years I've become more embittered than I used to be. I believe it is a process of life to realize that people will be mean to you, will be rude, will affect you, will treat you badly. Unfortunately. MDMA can help you feel temporarily like you're 'forgiving' everyone.. that's the effect I get. I tend to 'forgive' those who have wronged me, and feel a special kind of kinship with them. But, as a drug is, the next day when I have to deal with those people again I realize they are still angry.... it's a hit / miss with this one. I'd say try it and see what kind of experience it is and whether it will open up channels for you. You seem like you need that kind of work done anyway.. whether it be with MDMA or actual therapy.

thanks a ton. a lot of great info. will use it when i get it and report back