Not advice, but I'd rather OP take a lower dose of those drugs recreationally and try to look on the bright side of things even if he can't see it. Life is difficult, but you are a unique being, no one else saw through your eyes, your memories and your whole image of life is an illusion, they are memories, but the past can no longer be changed, you can only focus on now, and whatever you want to achieve, if you move, you can achieve anything. A few years ago I used to come to bluelight to talk to people about my addiction, and even though I'm still addicted and using multiple drugs I'm not so hard on myself anymore because of it. There is functional use and recreational use of everything.
OP seek professional help, but trust yourself, you will achieve great things