Why do people have kids?

[L2R]

it's becoming quite normal not to have kids.

but anyways, i've felt a hormonal compulsion to become a parent since my twenties. now that i have one, it was the best thing to have ever happpened to me. its harder than you can ever prepare for, but it's utter joy. seeing the boy grow is teaching me quite a lot about myself.

however, having studied ethics, i am torn by the very questionable ethical dilemma of bringing another into existence, and therefore the unsatiable existential uncertainties that essentially come along with it. just gotta try my best to prepare him for a roller coaster he never asked for, nor can ever completely understand.

 

[InvisibleEye]

My boyfriend and I have both agreed that we don't want kids. We are both much more career driven and we also both hate kids (no offence intended, just different lifestyles). Those that want a more typical lifestyle will continue having kids.

Same here. I sometimes feel judged for it, and have heard the typical «Oh, that'll change when you'll hit your thirties, your hormones blahblah» countless times. I'm actually pretty sick of hearing it.
Two persons I barely know have even questioned my fertility (!!) right to my face. As if there had to be a physiological cause for not having children!
I work with children but have absolutely no desire to raise one myself. I guess that makes me some kind of a witch for some people.

 

[-=SS=-]

I'm torn, because I would love to raise (two) children.. but financial pressure could be an issue, the kind of women I'm interested in don't seem to want to have children, and because I have real qualms about bringing more souls into this broken world.

I don't know why other people desire to have children, but for me personally I have two reasons:

1) I think it will bring a lot of happiness into my life. Like sex nature rewards you for following its plan (short term). But also from watching them mature into functioning human beings (long term).

2) Wanting to replace myself with someone who is smarter, wiser, and a better human being. I think everyone should strive for that, that each successive generation should be better than the previous.

The issue comes with trying to force something on to a child though, which is where a lot of problems come from I think. Wanting the child to be like you, to fulfill some dream you never did in your life (seen this with my own mum and my brother, who has now become an international success in his field). I think every to-be parent has the responsibility to better understand themselves first and human psychology.. you have to know yourself first before you can even dare to hope of bettering someone else, let alone a child.

Come to think of it, I always hear "there's no manual on how to raise a child".. well, why the fuck isn't there? A person could get psychology and philosophy books and do it themselves, but really there should be some guide on how to not fuck a child up with your neurotic nature and how to not let society do it either!


Personally I think I could do a great job. I loved watching my brother grow up, unfortunately I was a teen at the time so not the most compassionate person. Again.. do I want to bring another soul into this world? I'd love to believe they would turn out wise and strong, but every child has a different essence/soul.

 

[One Thousand Words]

Psychology and philosophy don't give you answers, they only give you questions.

Raising good kids isn't hard. Sure losing the ability to be selfish is hard for some people, but those people probably shouldn't have kids. If you worry about "me" all the time then best off living alone and forget about parenting.

Being a successful parent is about opening their eyes to the good and the bad and guide them the best you can when they ask the inevitable "Why?".

I get the most joy in showing them the little things. Building paper boats at home then racing them down a swollen creek after it rains. Fishing off a pier or flying kites. Watching scary movies and letting them cuddle or trash talking them during the rugby because they are Australian and you are a New Zealander.

If you see the world as broken then for the most part you will create broken children I'm afraid. If you see the world and the surrounding Universe as a wonder then that is all you have to teach your kids for them to be happy.

 

[Ds]

I really think its the woman that has te kid, the guy just gets a chance to rub 1 out without using his hands.
I think your brain tells your cock and balls that 'shes the one' instead of your brain telling you its just a papertowel. Therefor releasing fresh sperm when you ya kno ..jiz.
And thats where babys come from.

 

[Waffle Sock]

I really think its the woman that has te kid, the guy just gets a chance to rub 1 out without using his hands.
I think your brain tells your cock and balls that 'shes the one' instead of your brain telling you its just a papertowel. Therefor releasing fresh sperm when you ya kno ..jiz.
And thats where babys come from.

Sex Ed 101

 

[Shimmer.Fade]

I agree with both sides. I think the decision to have kids should be made in context. Were I still to be in Oklahoma I would certainly question the decision mainly because I wouldn't want my child growing up in such a place. However, I have found a very nice corner of the world, where the population is actually decreasing slightly causing the need for replacing what is lost. Therefore, the rewards for having children here are very great, the education and upbringing are like nowhere else I have been, the environment here can support a great deal of life if properly managed, etc... The main drawback is that other people want this land. I think the leadership here is beginning to realize this, and has begun strengthening its international defensive measures. It is sad that more walls, figurative or not, are needing to be built up, but America, China & co have sort of created an environment where it is perhaps necessary.

I see both sides, and simply out of fear for my wife's health would I attempt to not have children were I to be living in 3rd world like conditions. Here I know we have all the tools we need, and she will make a wonderful mother.

Socko, you are one of the few Blers that I think would be fun to hang out with. I admire the path that you have taken, and could certainly learn from it.

 

[Shimmer.Fade]

I really think its the woman that has te kid, the guy just gets a chance to rub 1 out without using his hands.
I think your brain tells your cock and balls that 'shes the one' instead of your brain telling you its just a papertowel. Therefor releasing fresh sperm when you ya kno ..jiz.
And thats where babys come from.

There is this angle as well ;P

 

[JackiePeyton]

These answers are great, but sadly TLDR
Why did I have kids? 1. I was in a position to and 2. I worked with the elderly for years. The ones who were miserable, regretful and sad were----you guessed it-childless

 

[socko]

These answers are great, but sadly TLDR
Why did I have kids? 1. I was in a position to and 2. I worked with the elderly for years. The ones who were miserable, regretful and sad were----you guessed it-childless

That might be because of changing social and family expectations. As recently as a couple of generations ago, "everybody" had children - the more, the merrier. The old ones you worked with were of a generation where it was thought to be some kind of personal failing not to have children. Child-free couples were thought of as "childless" as though they were missing something in their lives and were incomplete without it. They were ridiculed and called "barren" or "impotent" and the man was thought of as un-manly. Nowadays, it's looked at as a personal choice. There is no longer any significatn pressure on people in developed countries to reproduce. I just wanted to suggest an alternative explanation.

1000Words
If you see the world as broken then for the most part you will create broken children I'm afraid. If you see the world and the surrounding Universe as a wonder then that is all you have to teach your kids for them to be happy.

What about people born in the half of the world that is broken beyond repair? People living in the grinding poverty, famines, never-ending wars, and starvation of 3rd world countries must be aware that their corner of the Universe is broken? For those of us in first world countries, we have the luxury of seeing the surrounding Universe as a wonder but at the same time, recognizing its brutality and the failings of humanity. I don't advocate teaching children that the Universe is a horrible place with nothing good in it, but if I had children, I would want them to have a balanced and wider perspective and be able to find what is good amidst the bad. To me, it looks like that is becoming more difficult to do and will get worse, even in first world countries.

 

[DOB]

if I dont have kids I would be first in the bloodline of ancestors across 4.5 billion years to fail to reproduce,my precious DNA hardened and shaped to its current form by merciless evolutionary forces would vanish forever from the genepool of mankind,that is unacceptable.......by me,I heard in USA they give junkies 300 bucks if they get sterilized and its pretty popular,whatever floats your boat right?

 

[Maya]

There are few logical reasons to have children these days for many of us. Gone are most of the traditional reasons, left is the notion that we need to leave a part of ourselves behind.

Kids cost time, money, effort etc. You lose certain freedoms to do whatever you want whenever. They cost a whole fuckton of money and you've actually got to do shit to make sure they don't turn out total assholes. What do you get in return? 'Joy' yeah, haha, no thanks.

In some societies the children would look after you when you get too old to do it yourself, they'd take over the family's land/business etc. Who needs that now?

Kids? Just say no! There's too many as it is.

+10000 I am in the same boat. I never had the mother instinct plus having kids is giving away my freedom so like what you said no thanks.

 

[bit_pattern]

[video=youtube_share;qahT62n8tcA]http://youtu.be/qahT62n8tcA[/video]

[video=youtube_share;9oX2xFo7JA4]http://youtu.be/9oX2xFo7JA4[/video]

 

[Shimmer.Fade]

^^...Too many what ifs for me. I'm here now

 

[ozzmotik]

i think that for some people, the issues seems to be help i can't say no (and i'm trappedinauniversefactory)
well, at least that was my problem...

 

[User Name Here]

I can only answer for myself.

I have a son who is about to turn three in a few days and I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with our daughter. Quite frankly I never saw myself having any children but I ended up pregnant with my son and things changed. I had always told myself (and my husband) I would prefer an abortion but after giving it a lot of thought I realized I had moved past a stage in life where I was unable to care for a child. We were financially stable, we were married, etc. and I couldn't think of a good enough reason to terminate the pregnancy other than, "I just don't feel like having a baby." (Which is a good enough reason for many, it just wasn't for me.)

This baby was planned and conceived in three months so obviously things changed between my accidental pregnancy with my son and our daughter. What changed? Well...

The act of having children is inherently selfish for most. I realize our first child came to be because I felt guilt in terminating a pregnancy I could afford to continue but the second child, the one we conceived on purpose? Totally selfish for the most part. Crazily enough I ended up adoring my son and the thought of not having another quickly became unimaginable. I wanted another baby and it was hard waiting the [almost] three years to conceive (we wanted a decent age difference).

Aside from it being selfish, I honestly think biology plays a huge role. After I had my son I immediately wanted to be pregnant again. My brain recognized the fact that doing such a thing would be ludicrous (two babies back to back? fuck naw...) but my womb literally ached for another baby. I even had phantom kicks! It's hard to describe but there was this all encompassing feeling of, "I need to be with child again." My husband felt it too. He says the best feeling in the world is finishing inside of me... Once you get past the crudeness of it you realize that men are hardwired to find this act more satisfying than just about anything. Any guy I've ever asked has said being able to finish "au natural" is the ultimate experience. Why is that? Probably [in part] because there's this deep desire to impregnate as many women as possible so they can spread their DNA.

TL;DR:
1. Some people have children because they get pregnant and don't believe in abortion/don't want to abort.
2. For those who conceive on purpose, it's mostly a selfish act. They are bringing a LIFE into this world solely based on their own desires... Not only this but they're bringing a life into a pretty fucked up world. It's a hard thing to roll the dice on but people do it all the time because, well, a lot of us just want what we want.
3. Biology has hardwired us to want babies. Many find things as simple as a baby's smell to be intoxicating (I know I LOVE my son's scent) or simply feel a physical need to carry a child.

 

[kingme]

interesting question and good answers so far...

Personally I ve not considered having kids for a long time. But after a few years and being with someone for a longer period of time the question reappeared. The birth of my nephew was also important as it made me see how others change because of childbirth.

Indeed the joys of children come with many sacrificies (freedom, time, money) and the happiness they bring may only be temporary. But then so are other joys of life. We are basically animals, and our concious mind has a blast painting over various instincts with the broader or sharper brushes. We feel hunger and fill our need at restaurants or cook up various dishes, but it s still basically nutrition. We fall in love and write poetry but that is still just our need to socialize. Secure a womb or sperm for our offspring.

So back to children. My nephew showed me that no matter how much energy money and love a child can suck away it just as much instantly replaces with a sort of gratification not found somewhere else. It doesnt make sense. But it happens to most people. Yes you give up a lot, but you dont feel like you give up that much, or it feels less important with the arrival of the newborn. Or you feel it, but knowing you are responsable for him is also a great joy.

I think that for most people there comes a time when children will seem like a possibility even if it doesnt seem that way for now. I also think that for most it doesnt go according to plan but then all the better for it.
But if you dont feel this way that is fine too. Thats what is great about being human, that we can analyze our needs, and find comfort and satisfaction through rational thought, not only through obeying our needs and instincts.

 

[chantarr]

for me ive noticed the drive to have kids is to right the wrong i felt from my parents. does anyone else think thats a major cause of wanting to have kids?

 

[JackiePeyton]

Yes it is. And that is dangerous because the demons that made your parents do whatever are also in you. It becomes surreal when u realize it.

 

[Kenickie]

Wow, I'm really impressed with everything in this thread! There have been good reasons on both sides. I've never felt the desire to have children. Some people say this desire changes, especially for women as they get older (when I first said this statement at 15, my older friends laughed it off and said report back when you're 20, and then 25, I am now 25, and they are still laughing it off and telling me to report back at 30), but I don't think so. It's not something I feel strongly about one way or another, just kind of a cold ambivalence. I don't like children, for their monstrosity and their delicateness. They can kill people and die from falling off their bicycles. Simultaneously way too fragile and way too dangerous. It's incredibly high risk, having a child. The best genes & parenting can still fail and give you a child dead of cancer at 5, or a sociopath who shoots up a sorority house, or kill the mother during birth. The chemicals and rewiring that happens to a woman's brain during pregnancy and labor is on the level of permanent brain damage, which also makes me extremely wary. I don't like the idea of an irreversible, permanent avoidable brain rewiring. I guess typing it out sounds a lot more against it than just ambivalent.

I am a good aunt, I treat my nephews well, I buy them dangerous rap and metal music their mother doesn't let them have, always slip them condoms, follow their sports teams and school lives and girlfriends etc. My little sister is having a baby in December and I am reasonably sure that I will be a good aunt to this niece as well as my older nephews. My friends who have children I try to be nice and attentive to their children as well. It's easier with the ones who are a bit older, but I still try. Because they are my friends children and I guess I'm hoping they turn out as wonderful as their parents did. I'm even well behaved and nice to ChickenScratch's son.

PB is most likely it for me, and he falls on the harsher side of this ambivalence. It takes a lot of effort in this day and age to fall accidentally pregnant, and I find that idea absolutely irresponsible to the point of idiocy. I am in charge of my health, especially when it comes to the lady downstairs, and am always aware of my cycle and the way it effects the rest of my life. The way I was taught about sex was that sex = death, and you should handle sexual acts with the same care and concern as one would with dealing with a lethal weapon, and that's the way I've behaved. It surprises me that more people my age (who grew up around HIV/AIDS) don't have the same cautiousness. We have a nice home, a stable life, we're healthy, educated and active in our community and have a nice support system, and friends that are the kind of wonderful influences I'd like to have around a child. Photographers, artists, dancers, ex-pats, writers. That sounds like reason enough to have children but that's not an answer. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. And just because you should doesn't mean you have to.

My family is already past wondering if I'll have children, and now I'm just discussed as the aloof aunt/daughter who maintains part of the family archive and would probably help you out of whatever trouble your youthful indiscretion gets you into. Pander's family is different, I'm not sure if he feels any sort of pressure from his family to have children. I've heard hints, but nothing really pointed or pressuring, and I've always made my position clear. I am not concerned about it though, because it's our decision and not theirs.