Who grew up in an alcoholic / drug addicted house hold?

[Nurse Ratched]

My entire family is full of ADDICTS, and I believe this to be true for every family. The so-called "drug" of choice is different for every person, but there is that ONE thing for every human that comes before anything else in their mind. Before their own health and safety. It can be the most difficult drugs to get off on that the body becomes so physically dependent on (heroin, opioids, meth, ect), the prescription pills, dope, cigarettes, alcohol, FOOD/SUGAR. Yes, that is a true addiction for more than half of the entire world's population, just look at the overweight/obesity worldwide epidemic and now childhood obesity and tell me it is a "choice" for those people and they cannot control their willpower. BS. The majority of the population now worldwide (except north korea and china and some places japan) is OVERWEIGHT/OBESE because their drug of choice is the easily available completely legal terrible for you but delicious to your taste buds FOOD and CANDY and desserts and now the larger than human sized portions that are the "norm." But it's all fine because it's LEGAL. There is heart disease killing more people than anything, also diabetes, also cancer, knowingly caused by our food choices and lack of exercise.

My mom's dad was an alcoholic. He was married to a nurse. My grandma had no "substance" abuse problems whatsoever, BUT she chose to marry and live with an abusive alcoholic who treated her and the 3 children terribly. My mom was a chain smoker her entire life until she died of lung cancer. My aunt was a heroin user and died from an overdose. My uncle is a food addict because he has always been very large for his age and now has an entire family of obese people (had very overweight kids who are now obese).

My dad did NOT abuse ANY substances, not even alcohol. HIS "drug" of choice was being in love with a narcissist woman his entire life (my mom).

My sister is the exact same, she never drinks, never smokes, BUT she immediately had four kids without thinking twice about it with an ALCOHOLIC. Stayed with this alcoholic narcissist for 20 yrs despite him treating her like the dirt under the doormat. HE is HER ADDICTION. HE comes FIRST before her kids, before herself. She did finally leave but now has replaced him with another MAN who lives in Ghana (they are supposedly in love). She sends him all her money before she spends it on herself for her own food. Her ADDICTION is having a MAN who treats her terribly.

My #1 love has always been food (ever since I can remember). I gained 80 pounds in one year. My weight has gone up and down like a roller coaster until I was 120 pounds overweight and felt the only way to stop myself from gaining more and becoming bedridden was to have stomach surgery. So I did, and that was over 10 years ago and I have maintained my weight ever since. Did I stop being a food addict? NO!!! I just cannot stuff myself anymore so I started using alcohol instead. Drinking to pass out every night even though I dont enjoy the taste of ANY wine or alcohol. This is called ADDICTION TRANSFERENCE and IT IS REAL. This is what most people do if they manage to overcome their #1 love and abstain from it, they simply replace it with the best replacement they can find. (food, cigarettes, vaping, ect ect ect).

Others will have their own addiction substance of "choice": SEX, PORN, MASTURBATION, VIDEO GAMES, GAMBLING, EXERCISE, EATING DISORDERS, ALCOHOL, VAPING, WORK, ANOTHER PERSON, ________________________ fill in the blank. These are all the same as a so-called "drug" addiction.

Honestly, my drug of choice is HEROIN even though I have yet to do it. It has been my "dream drug" since I first heard about it. Only downers appeal to me and being passed out to the point of cant be woken up, total euphoria. I used to be afraid of the sickness part and strong addictive quality, but at this point in my life, there is no reason to care anymore.

If you do ANYTHING to the detriment of your own body/mind health, and you cannot STOP, that is YOUR ADDICTION. Sometimes other family members can seem like they are not affected by a substance addiction, BUT I am willing to bet money that if you look closely enough, there IS SOMETHING (job, work, another person) that they NEED, just as much as any drug addict.

You need to make more posts and comments. You know your shit. Well said.

 

[papercuts]

My entire family is full of ADDICTS, and I believe this to be true for every family. The so-called "drug" of choice is different for every person, but there is that ONE thing for every human that comes before anything else in their mind. Before their own health and safety. It can be the most difficult drugs to get off on that the body becomes so physically dependent on (heroin, opioids, meth, ect), the prescription pills, dope, cigarettes, alcohol, FOOD/SUGAR. Yes, that is a true addiction for more than half of the entire world's population, just look at the overweight/obesity worldwide epidemic and now childhood obesity and tell me it is a "choice" for those people and they cannot control their willpower. BS. The majority of the population now worldwide (except north korea and china and some places japan) is OVERWEIGHT/OBESE because their drug of choice is the easily available completely legal terrible for you but delicious to your taste buds FOOD and CANDY and desserts and now the larger than human sized portions that are the "norm." But it's all fine because it's LEGAL. There is heart disease killing more people than anything, also diabetes, also cancer, knowingly caused by our food choices and lack of exercise.

My mom's dad was an alcoholic. He was married to a nurse. My grandma had no "substance" abuse problems whatsoever, BUT she chose to marry and live with an abusive alcoholic who treated her and the 3 children terribly. My mom was a chain smoker her entire life until she died of lung cancer. My aunt was a heroin user and died from an overdose. My uncle is a food addict because he has always been very large for his age and now has an entire family of obese people (had very overweight kids who are now obese).

My dad did NOT abuse ANY substances, not even alcohol. HIS "drug" of choice was being in love with a narcissist woman his entire life (my mom).

My sister is the exact same, she never drinks, never smokes, BUT she immediately had four kids without thinking twice about it with an ALCOHOLIC. Stayed with this alcoholic narcissist for 20 yrs despite him treating her like the dirt under the doormat. HE is HER ADDICTION. HE comes FIRST before her kids, before herself. She did finally leave but now has replaced him with another MAN who lives in Ghana (they are supposedly in love). She sends him all her money before she spends it on herself for her own food. Her ADDICTION is having a MAN who treats her terribly.

My #1 love has always been food (ever since I can remember). I gained 80 pounds in one year. My weight has gone up and down like a roller coaster until I was 120 pounds overweight and felt the only way to stop myself from gaining more and becoming bedridden was to have stomach surgery. So I did, and that was over 10 years ago and I have maintained my weight ever since. Did I stop being a food addict? NO!!! I just cannot stuff myself anymore so I started using alcohol instead. Drinking to pass out every night even though I dont enjoy the taste of ANY wine or alcohol. This is called ADDICTION TRANSFERENCE and IT IS REAL. This is what most people do if they manage to overcome their #1 love and abstain from it, they simply replace it with the best replacement they can find. (food, cigarettes, vaping, ect ect ect).

Others will have their own addiction substance of "choice": SEX, PORN, MASTURBATION, VIDEO GAMES, GAMBLING, EXERCISE, EATING DISORDERS, ALCOHOL, VAPING, WORK, ANOTHER PERSON, ________________________ fill in the blank. These are all the same as a so-called "drug" addiction.

Honestly, my drug of choice is HEROIN even though I have yet to do it. It has been my "dream drug" since I first heard about it. Only downers appeal to me and being passed out to the point of cant be woken up, total euphoria. I used to be afraid of the sickness part and strong addictive quality, but at this point in my life, there is no reason to care anymore.

If you do ANYTHING to the detriment of your own body/mind health, and you cannot STOP, that is YOUR ADDICTION. Sometimes other family members can seem like they are not affected by a substance addiction, BUT I am willing to bet money that if you look closely enough, there IS SOMETHING (job, work, another person) that they NEED, just as much as any drug addict.

But if we didn't need to do these things, then what would life be about? We all need to feel somehow important, so being important to other people is the most instantly rewarding thing (besides drugs) and we repeat actions that are rewarded even if the good feeling comes with abuse or consequences, it's still better than feeling nothing.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I hope I’m not treading where I shouldn’t but if I recall right you’ve had some traumatic relationships in the past?.. Maybe that’s the key difference? I know for me addiction issues stem almost primarily from certain relationships in my life.

It is fascinating how environment changes a person, I’m of the camp nurture over nature. I look different than my brothers, act different, and overall think different from them. The best I can surmise is due to the very different ways in which we grew up, even something as simple as the things we eat (or don’t).

-GC

Yes this is true, however the addictive tendencies began before the traumatic relationships. They certainly didn't help matters though.

 

[seedee]

i grew up around alcohol and drugs. my grandpa lived in my basement he was an alcoholic and addicted to oxy. i remember he would pass out with his head on the counter and burn his toast all the time. the as years went on my father ended up on drugs. smoked crack with my grandpa in my basement every night. ultimately the drugs killed him and he od'd on his bed upstairs when i was ten. then my mom went through a terrible depression and partied using drugs. her friends and my aunty would give me oxys morphine and lines of ketamine when i was 13 and they were over partying. my aunty that gave me the oxys is dead from an od now too. naturally i grew up into a life of drugs.

 

[n3ophy7e]

i grew up around alcohol and drugs. my grandpa lived in my basement he was an alcoholic and addicted to oxy. i remember he would pass out with his head on the counter and burn his toast all the time. the as years went on my father ended up on drugs. smoked crack with my grandpa in my basement every night. ultimately the drugs killed him and he od'd on his bed upstairs when i was ten. then my mom went through a terrible depression and partied using drugs. her friends and my aunty would give me oxys morphine and lines of ketamine when i was 13 and they were over partying. my aunty that gave me the oxys is dead from an od now too. naturally i grew up into a life of drugs.

Fuck I am so sorry to hear all of that

 

[seedee]

Fuck I am so sorry to hear all of that

oh don't worry about it we al have a past and we all learn to live with it one way or another. i'm just lucky to be here and be as healthy as i am now. although i do appreciate your care thanks.

 

[n3ophy7e]

oh don't worry about it we al have a past and we all learn to live with it one way or another. i'm just lucky to be here and be as healthy as i am now. although i do appreciate your care thanks.

So true I just hate that horrible, damaging things like that happen to kids You are very lucky to be okay now

 

[ions]

I grew up in the 80's and 90s when it wasn't cool to smoke weed. D.A.R.E. and stuff was peaking.
Then I started smoking weed in my teens and realized this is pretty pretty good. Off and on because of how you learn about it and junk.
Now we're in a psychedelic revolution and stuff, or at least the rebirth.
I mean I don't count a drug household because neither of my parents drank or did drugs other than the pharmaceuticals their PCPs prescribed. Now that's looked down on, but we're still illegal for drugs here.

 

[G_Chem]

oh don't worry about it we al have a past and we all learn to live with it one way or another. i'm just lucky to be here and be as healthy as i am now. although i do appreciate your care thanks.

You sound like one of those admirable types that come out with your head screwed on tighter than most. I notice past traumas can have two very different outcomes based on how someone uses it, you have used it to find appreciation in life.



A bit more on me too… The addictions never stopped at age 8 in my family they just changed. When I was a teenager my mom got prescribed benzodiazepines and there began her journey on pill addiction.

I recall one time when I was hungover as fuck from partying the night before and my mom borrowed my car for something. (16 at the time.) She comes into my room screaming at me to get out, I’m so fucked up puking every 5 mins and can barely muster the strength to get out the door.

She had found methadone and Suboxone in my car and was kicking me out over them. Thank god my dad is a fucking angel of a human being. He came and picked me up, brought me back to his place and then went outside to somehow find weed/resin particles laying here n there to scrape me up a hit. That man could always somehow scrape up a hit even when we’d done it a million times before. I also remember vividly as my body relaxed for a moment after that hit and I could finally sleep on his couch.

Come to find out that day my mom and step dad then used my pills after kicking me out. I learned of this because years later they tried to jokingly tell me about a time “they FOUND some of my subs” (benzos make a person forget shit) and each ate an 8mg only to be sick as dogs for a day. I couldn’t help but to laugh at that, karma is real folks.

-GC

 

[G_Chem]

Far from over as a child though..

In my 20’s I remember a trip up north where on the way back my mom drove like an absolute maniac with my little brother and his friends in the car. I kid you not I was screaming to god as I drove behind them that they wouldn’t die, some of riskiest stupid shit. It reminded me of when I was a kid and I’d sit in the passenger seat hanging on for dear life as she would speed like 45-50 through a parking lot.

I went to her one final time pleading that she get help, I even started crying.. What do I get? “You’re too sensitive.”

My step brother happens to walk in the door and I’m still crying. She of course then tells him I’m having “another one of my things.”

At that point I vowed never to give two fucks about that woman’s problems again and glad I just talked about this because it’s a re-reminder to stay the fuck away from her bullshit.


Couple years back my other brother started selling them K, partially cuz they would hold back favors unless he did. It ended up with my step dad shooting it daily and my mom freaking out and trying to rope me into all of it. I made my brother cut them off and then they got pissy with me but honestly fuck their emotions. To this day they still beg for the shit..


Oh and next time any of you go to AA, these could be that supposedly happy AA couple that seems like they’ve got it all figured out with decades of clean time. Such a joke, the whole cult AA culture. It’s all a facade.

-GC

 

[seedee]

Far from over as a child though..

In my 20’s I remember a trip up north where on the way back my mom drove like an absolute maniac with my little brother and his friends in the car. I kid you not I was screaming to god as I drove behind them that they wouldn’t die, some of riskiest stupid shit. It reminded me of when I was a kid and I’d sit in the passenger seat hanging on for dear life as she would speed like 45-50 through a parking lot.

I went to her one final time pleading that she get help, I even started crying.. What do I get? “You’re too sensitive.”

My step brother happens to walk in the door and I’m still crying. She of course then tells him I’m having “another one of my things.”

At that point I vowed never to give two fucks about that woman’s problems again and glad I just talked about this because it’s a re-reminder to stay the fuck away from her bullshit.


Couple years back my other brother started selling them K, partially cuz they would hold back favors unless he did. It ended up with my step dad shooting it daily and my mom freaking out and trying to rope me into all of it. I made my brother cut them off and then they got pissy with me but honestly fuck their emotions. To this day they still beg for the shit..


Oh and next time any of you go to AA, these could be that supposedly happy AA couple that seems like they’ve got it all figured out with decades of clean time. Such a joke, the whole cult AA culture. It’s all a facade.

-GC

gee do you feel any resentment towards your mother? have your parents gotten clean or they still using full force? it's interesting to see as drugs users/recovered users/addicts we all have somewhat of a similar underlying backstory.

 

[solarbear]

I did my relationship with drugs got off on the wrong foot it would appear spare you the details kind of like unhealthy from the start as if someone who isn't fully developed can start using healthy lol?

 

[OVER_AMPER]

I guess it would only be the logical and healthy next step for me to expose some skeletons in my closet here since I first came here for help long ago but have only just evolved to registering an account. I did so and will contribute because this community has helped me in ways I cannot articulate atm. You possibly saved my life and I thank you for simply existing! Hopefully my contributions from here on can serve as some fractionally sufficient token of my humble gratitude.

This will be thoroughly in depth and perhaps unbelievable in part to some of you. Please only read at a time when it is really convenient for you.

My mother met my step dad when I was around three years old. I can remember some things that far back but most of those memories are vague, short and in pieces. From what I was told, she was cheating on my biological father with him living next door. Let me tell you first that this man who I eventually grew to love and who definitely deserves me calling him my Dad, has been dead since 2009. I needed you to know that before I expose all these things, this man did in fact grow to truly love me as a son as well.

My first memory of this man was when I woke up in the back seat of what I later knew was a dookey brown hotrod nova. I remember waking up not knowing where I was and crying hard. They must've already been arguing because he was yelling. I distinctly remember him screaming at her to shut me up or he would do it. We must've stopped at a stop sign because he turned around and slapped me around. Grabbing the front of my shirt into his huge fist, he pulled me in face to face until I remember smelling his breath and seeing into his widely opened, psychotic looking wild eyes, assuring me that I had to shut the f**k up. It was a moment of extreme terror flung into the depths my heart at a moments notice in which as a three year old little boy there must've been some sort of instinct invoked. It had to be an instinctual survival response because I immediately choked the tears down into my shaking lungs and gut. I'm now on the verge of 42 years old and I still vividly remember that moment. I didn't realize at the time but his breath.., it was alcohol. His eyes, were those of a demon.
I don't remember anything as vividly after that until I must've been nearly five. I have some memories but they are vague and probably repressed.

He had came to our area from Florida, where he had been a member of the Outlaws motorcycle club. What his role was with them might be of some relevance to my story but I will leave that alone. I only learned these things later in life and he was also involved with a motorcycle club in the area I was raised. I did not know I would be raised under that lifestyle at that time. He rose to the level of vp in that club eventually. Those are enough details for one to put pieces together later in my story.

I remember being about five and we were weeding the garden. I was expected to help do the weeding amongst regular chores but the problem is there were wild onions that grew all over where we lived. I mistakenly pulled up an onion he had planted. I rared back and slung it out into the weeds as hard as I could thinking it was one of those wild ones. This is the ONE AND ONLY time I remember running from him. I never ran from him EVER again. He flipped and I ran around the mobile home and he couldn't catch me until I went on the front porch and when I went for the screen door, I saw his brother's wife standing inside. I saw her push her finger down on the handle and I guess she locked me out and walked away. Dad caught me and I remember him having the collar of my shirt gripped into his fist. He was yelling about the onion and he was bouncing me like you would do one of those paddle balls using my shirt collar as the rubber band. Everytime he hit me in the chest, I was going back into the metal siding of the mobile home beside the front door. When I would hit it, he would jerk me back towards him with a lot of force and punch me again back into the side of the wall. I don't know how long this went on but I remember mom coming around in a panic and I couldn't catch my breath. I remember the siding was indented to the point you could see the insulation inside the wall. I remember that because my grandma showed up. Apparently a friend of hers happened to be driving by at the time. It turns out that that woman who was the friend of my grandma was the mother to the president of the club. I believe that info got back around and that it caused him to ease up on me just a little bit. I'll never know that but I suspect it was a subject of conversation and beating your 5 year old step son into the wall in front of everyone was slightly overboard and could bring bad attention.

Probably not my first memory but the first memory I can articulate of them smoking weed is hilarious. I remember they'd roll it up on a plate, sifting the seeds out holding the plate at an angle. I knew what skunk smelled like because I was growing up in the country. They lit that thing and my God it stunk like a family of skunks moved in under the kitchen table. I clearly remember saying "Shew! Skunks spraying the house, mama!" Everybody would laugh and cut up. It was a time I grew to enjoy very much because everyone would calm down and laugh. All the hostilities and anger would take a break. Everything would be peaceful for a time and I really loved those times. Thus, my first memories of weed were very very positive.

As time went on we became more solidified as a family. Our household became stable, even though slightly on the poor side. I would say more minimalist than poor. Dad always made sure we had plenty of food in the house. He had a bike of course in a building he had bought that was nearly half the size of our home. Lol. He kept a john boat all my life and we had a nice lawn mower. I know because I had to push it. My little sister was born when I was 6. She was his real blood daughter of course. I did feel secondary at times. We lived in a two bedroom, two bath mobile home and once she got old enough, she took the bedroom and I moved to the couch. It was around the time she was born that a neighbor molested me on numerous occasions. I remember knowing that if I told my dad about it that he'd go over and shoot the guy. I didn't want to lose my family and I didn't know what I would do, so I didn't tell them. As a matter of fact, I never told him about that.

As time went on, weed was simply a common thing in the household. My dad would drink and take pills. A lot more than that I'm sure. Those are the things that made him a different person. It wasn't uncommon for him to abuse my mom. Mom never was much of a drinker. He landed her in the hospital on a couple of occasions. As for me, when he was really high and extremely angry, he would begin by verbally attacking me but as if I wasn't there. He would say things to mom about me. Sometimes I would just hate his guts in those days. He would say things like "Look at that FAT son of a b***h. Do you want me to go get the shotgun and just get rid of him? He ain't nothing but in the way around here. He's gonna die fat and lonely." He would just ramble for an hour sometimes more. Sometimes I would pull his attention away from mom because it just looked like she wouldn't be able to take anymore. One time it got bad and he was beating me down into the couch punching me out. I guess mom snapped and she came screaming and jumped on his back hitting him in the back of the head. Poor mom took a beating to get him off me but I think something changed a bit at that point because she was fighting back. I remember the next day dad being sober and a somewhat solemn conversation taking place. I'm up to about 11 years old at this point. I don't know at what point I began doing it but I would steal some of dad's roaches out of the ashtrays and smoke them. Must've started around 9. I didn't mention yet but from around 6 years old or so, when dad would ask me to get him a beer, I would always open it and knock the poison off so to speak. Until one day when I was around 11 or so I went and got him a beer, opened it, took a big swig and gave it to him. He said "damn son! There ain't but half of it left!" Around that era I believe he started to care about my future. He cut me off from opening his beers, so I began just taking one here and there.

We had party's to attend with the club and I believe dad made me attend them for more than a few reasons but I think number one being that he didn't want anyone asking me where my parents were. Of course by that point I was well beyond conditioned to keep my mouth shut about family affairs. He had nothing at all to worry about on that. At some of these parties there would be people doing all sorts of drugs, partying round the clock, people having sex right there in the open and these parties would last for days. Some of them were annual and would last an entire week. There was a small group of us kids that would rome around the property together. There was the main event of the party which would be a private band playing and there was always a "big t!ťťy" contest and the "hairy àzz" contest. We saw it all. We would pick up HUGE roaches these folks would get done smoking and just throw down on the ground. We'd end up with a half quarter to sometimes more than a quarter size bag full of roaches. It never ran out. Lol. Me and my buds would smoke one and pick up three more. We would drink and smoke weed right there with impunity. No one paid us any attention as long as we weren't disturbing anything to do with the natural flow of things. They knew what we were doing. We were never allowed near anything harder than that though. I mean they really made that off limits simply by it being beyond our reach. So there's that.

When I was 15 I lost my virginity to the wife of the man who molested me. He was abusing her pretty violently as well. He and I ended up in a fight and I overtook him. I had such anger about it all but by then I realized this man was mentally handicapped. He was my best friends older brother. His little brother didn't know about the things he'd done at the time. I stopped the fight and told him I forgive him but that I didn't care if he forgave me or not and that I didn't want him beating his wife anymore. As far as I know he never beat her again and she left him shortly after that. She was scared to leave before but wanted to.

By that time I was so far into an adult's world that I couldn't relate to almost any of my classmates or peers around my own age. It had been that way for a long time. They were all so naive to my world. It was around that time I began rolling with a couple club members being prospected as a possible future enforcer. My parents had given me an EXTREME amount of freedom as to coming and going. Dad just wanted me home on school nights in bed at a decent hour. At least there's that. I hated school but loved to learn and love science. I would read the text books in full by the first month or so of the school year but had to creep at a snails pace throughout the year looking at chapter after chapter at their pace. Hanging out with my sponsors landed me in front of a plate with lines of coke chopped out on it. Sometimes it was meth. I liked the meth better. I remember the first time I was given the straw, I leaned in and some of my breath blew the powder around but I didn't blow it off the plate. I snorted it but had to chase part of it and the guy that chopped it out was seriously unimpressed with that. Told me to learn not to be blowing it around all stupid or he wouldn't cut me another one. Looking back, that guy was strung out and even though my peers seemed seriously naive to me, I was getting into territory that I was naive to. That was a pretty serious feeling to realize, my surroundings and the dangerous characters surrounding me. There was always a seriousness on some level no matter where we went. As far as I know my Dad wasn't aware of some of these more serious things I was getting into. As far as the violence I witnessed, I will leave that alone but I did see quite a bit. I was being groomed to be a no non sense go getter. One aspect of that was maintaining your composure under the influence of anything. That was seriously frowned on and I learned quick because when I couldn't conduct myself it was like the whole day had been a complete failure. I was ragged for days on end. There was a sort of slang discipline that had distinct boundaries you were expected to stay within. The old saying "maintain" more clearly defined.

As time went on I had trouble with fights at school. Most of my grades slipped into the abyss because I had to many other things in my life. I couldn't get along at home and I knew it was time for me to make a decision. Dad always told me that if I wasn't in school or working and helping pay bills then he would throw me out. Rightly so, he didn't raise a mooch. So at 17, I told the club I decided I was going to go a different route in life. They asked what I had planned and my dad was there too. I told them I wanted to go and maybe start a business or drive a truck eventually and that I thought I might want to start a family at some point. Also, with my dad seeing right there, I said "I just can't live at home anymore. It's not looking good for finishing school and I'd rather go out on my own than try and work while living under my dad's roof because I'm gonna do what I want to do." I had made up in my mind that they were probably going to beat my ass but that when I could get up, I would not come back." That's not what happened at all. They all shook my hand, hugged my neck and wished me well. I saw my dad fighting back a tear hugging me real strong like, telling me he respected my choice and to do what I had to do.

A long time has passed since then but I became a class A truck driver. Married and divorced but had a daughter who is 17 now. Have a son who is 12. I think of my children and I know I would never expose them to things I was exposed to. Nor would I ever give them anything other than all my love.

One day when I was visiting my mom and my dad, a much older, more mellow, wiser man, he stopped me at the door with tears in his eyes, gave me a big long hug and told me how proud of me he was. He said he tried to raise me as best he knew how and that he knew he was hard on me and that I turned out to be much much more of a man than he ever thought I'd be. He told me how big of a heart he knew I had and then he said "I love you so much. You're my son!" That was more than I could've ever hoped for him to say and I know how sincere he meant it.

In 2009 my dad was murdered via poison in dope. SO KEEP THIS IN MIND AND LET IT BE A WARNING FOR YOU IF YOU HAVE SKETCHY CHARACTERS AROUND YOU. He took the dope knowing the possible consequences in general but not the intentional poisoning. While he laid in icu on a ventilater, an enemy, a woman at that, came to visit him and injected more poison into his IV after they said he was pulling out of it. They couldn't figure out how his system was suddenly filled with this poison again after they had cleaned his system. With his history and the fact dope was involved, no authorities looked twice at it. I was made aware of who it was.

As for me, I mainly have issues with drinking at times. I think I lost a 6 year relationship to drinking but I was pulling all the weight and there was no romance whatsoever and it was really tearing me down. Still hurt. I just lost an 8 month relationship because sometimes I need to medicate my head with alcohol. I kind of wanted out of that one because it just wasn't working at all for other reasons. I'm not violent or verbally abusive when I drink. I'm a rather mellow drinker who tends to like music, gets hungry and finally gets sleepy. Just forgetful of conversations if I have a little more than I should. It's just that sometimes the things floating around in my mind build up and it can be extremely hard to deal with. Having a few cold ones helps put me in a place where I can tolerate and overcome the anxieties and memories. I try not to dwell on memories that cause me trouble and I think I do a damn good job but sometimes it's a whole lot combined with everyday life.

Thank you for reading and I wish you the best out of life. Mom is still kicking and I have my children and sister. We will never see the world the same as society but I know if anyone can relate, it's you. Thank you for existing!