I try not to have any because I'd end up with a list too long to even write down. A lot of my troubles stem from trauma in my early life so I find it hard to regret things, knowing that the path I went on wasn't really guided by me. Drugs were always just a way of self-medicating. If I had to choose something, it would be drinking alcohol. I remember at school, the filth turning up to lecture us about drugs and passing round these samples in hard plastic that you obviously couldn't open. What they didn't tell us about was how dangerous alcohol is. I don't think they even mentioned it. It is advertised on TV, showing people having the time of their life. My mum got with a man when I was about 11 who was a psychopath basically and when I went to secondary school, my mum started buying me four cans of lager every evening and she'd have a bottle of wine for herself. I later found out that she also had a stash of vodka. This was for dealing with the psychopath and he had me dealing ecstasy tablets and hash by the time I was about 14. He was physically and psychologically abusive towards me and the same to my mother but she also was sexually abused and had a far worse time than me - drinking was our way of coping and I got intimately acquainted with violence from a young age, offered my first gun at 14. For me, as a recovering addict, alcohol is the drug that got me into more trouble than anything else. Heroin made me chill - it really is the go-to drug for people who have suffered trauma. Benzos are a pain but I can get on with them, even though I want to come off them. Coke was never a big deal, neither was ecstasy (pill form back in the day or MDMA). Can't stand stimulants anymore anyway. In terms of things I've done that I maybe should regret, I don't really. I had to survive. Every time I've been arrested, I had been drinking, but I've done things that would be enough to see me land serious time - the reason I got away with things was because I wasn't drinking and the things I got nicked for were stupid and I suppose I regret my stupidity in that sense. I never got caught moving drugs around or even handling guns which would've got me into serious trouble but I wasn't drinking. Booze brought out a monster in me which is all the rage and anger that I have in me from neglect, abuse, trauma etc. I am diagnosed bipolar and complex PTSD due to all of that horror and it never really leaves you. So yeah, I regret taking to drink instead of educating myself about it like I did with other drugs. Bluelight has always been a big help in that sense. But in terms of regrets, I find it hard to regret things I've done to survive when survival was basically my primary motivation. I never liked violence but it was a part of the culture and so you couldn't really escape it. Even when I've been settled in nice places, I still have that sense of vigilance and the idea that there are threats everywhere, and that was programmed into me from a young age. Drugs were a way to cope, with alcohol being the most readily available. People say "drink and drugs" but IMO, alcohol is one of the worst. It is worse than heroin. People don't see it as a drug though because they've kept it legal.
I dunno, losing my train of thought. If I was to get into the worst things I've ever done I'd be here for a while and I don't see the point - that was almost a different person, almost like I was watching it from outside. Maybe it will all hit me one day but even now, even in relative comfort I still wonder if this will be the last day that I am alive. Drugs - including alcohol - have always merely been a way to withstand that stress/horror and to get through another day.
