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What do you see when you look in the mirror?

I have days when I'm really in the narrative of "me" and I preen, or try to figure out if I'm okay looking or not (and usually can't tell for sure, to be honest). Then I have other days when I don't even know who/what I'm looking at, exactly. Not in a depersonalized way, but more like, "How the hell did this even happen and who is this exactly?" Like, it suddenly seems absurd that I am this thing called a human... and what are humans, anyway? I like to call these moments my "inner anthropologist".

The mirror is a head trip. I sometimes envy animals who can't perceive their own reflection. I used to live in a house that had no mirrors and I was better off for it.
 
bingey said:
I see someone who's scared shitless of living a normal life
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I see someone who basically lived their life as a sort of culture jam, and well.. now I desperately want a normal life but not sure I'm capable. I mean, I can barely function in society, and the sort of dopamine levels I was used to, even when NOT on drugs, is near impossible to match.
 
I see myself. I try not to judge myself too harshly some other fuckers do that already. I struggle with a lot of shit and doting on it does me no good.

Speaking of mirrors. I would like to shave before church tomorrow. Hopefully I'll remember.
 
I often shock myself actually, how well I can look just given some hours sleep.

And as calm, centred, self accepting and together as I would aspire to be.

Also whatvstrikes me is my presence. However far away still I'm right here in the now.

Apart from that? Time for a shave maybe? Lol.true.
 
simstim said:
I see myself. I try not to judge myself too harshly some other fuckers do that already. I struggle with a lot of shit and doting on it does me no good.

Speaking of mirrors. I would like to shave before church tomorrow. Hopefully I'll remember.
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You don't need to judge yourself at all. There is nothing to be absolved.

Just keep a clean heart and mind, now is what counts.

Guilt, idea of imperfect, did wrong, aren't good enough, full potential etc, have disappointed...more but, lol.

Illusions. Don't buy it. I know what I have done that was wrong. I wouldn't repeat it.

In many cases where I didn't act wrongly but kind of stood by and let minor behaviours occur I would now step in and make absolutely sure that didn't happen for example and 1 million other cases like that but I don't feel any shame really at all I've accepted everything which I did as wrong and forgiven myself occasionally I cringed in slight embarrassment at a minor event memory lol but that's part of the release process.

And I don't believe that we humans are supposed to judge ourselves because that makes it all a bit complicated for a start like my focus has always been given comfort and wellness just focus on being pure and true make it no more complicated than that.

You seem, to me at least @simstim to be a good candidate for those two qualifications.

Life forces us to really struggle st times. But letting guilt or shame hold you back or feeling you aren't doing more just aren't necessary, I call it an illusory trap.

You see, the idea of me judging myself, spins me out lol, just stopped thinking about it so so long back can't recall it.
 
I'm pretty damn shameless really lol.

I stick things up my butt.

I talk openly about the wildest, often most unpopular conspiracysocalled ideas.

I will literally tell anybody anything about my life as long as it wont A, get me arrested, B, result in another type of infliction, myself or others.

I think that's the way to be though. I don't do hiding or shame.
 
AutoTripper said:
You don't need to judge yourself at all. There is nothing to be absolved.

Just keep a clean heart and mind, now is what counts.

Guilt, idea of imperfect, did wrong, aren't good enough, full potential etc, have disappointed...more but, lol.

Illusions. Don't buy it. I know what I have done that was wrong. I wouldn't repeat it.

In many cases where I didn't act wrongly but kind of stood by and let minor behaviours occur I would now step in and make absolutely sure that didn't happen for example and 1 million other cases like that but I don't feel any shame really at all I've accepted everything which I did as wrong and forgiven myself occasionally I cringed in slight embarrassment at a minor event memory lol but that's part of the release process.

And I don't believe that we humans are supposed to judge ourselves because that makes it all a bit complicated for a start like my focus has always been given comfort and wellness just focus on being pure and true make it no more complicated than that.

You seem, to me at least @simstim to be a good candidate for those two qualifications.

Life forces us to really struggle st times. But letting guilt or shame hold you back or feeling you aren't doing more just aren't necessary, I call it an illusory trap.

You see, the idea of me judging myself, spins me out lol, just stopped thinking about it so so long back can't recall it.
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Thank you!!

Judgment is an insane topic to me. I don't even know where to start and my beliefs about how judgement works is very personal.

I agree with you about forgiveness of yourself. Thinking you deserve to feel bad is stupid and will only cause pain.

I know everything I've done good and bad and it's definitely my opinion of myself that the good outweighs the bad most of the time. I have plenty of faults though.
 
simstim said:
Thank you!!

Judgment is an insane topic to me. I don't even know where to start and my beliefs about how judgement works is very personal.

I agree with you about forgiveness of yourself. Thinking you deserve to feel bad is stupid and will only cause pain.

I know everything I've done good and bad and it's definitely my opinion of myself that the good outweighs the bad most of the time. I have plenty of faults though.
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So do I man. I'm not perfect. But there is nothing wrong with me. I don't need to somehow, quickly figure something out, come up with a plan in time o be off the hook lol.

I've had to really really want to live to climb out of hotspots so much, but when I look back 2 months go, actually 2 weeks, I think god he was a twat lol, like I'm glad I have grown from that person then.

So that's good in numerous ways. It displays that I do grow continually.

It's disgustingly clear to me own, super reflective eyes.

The work will never be done.

But I'm not pressuring myself over it at all. I feel really secure about myself and I simply try to encourage that in others.
 
AutoTripper said:
So do I man. I'm not perfect. But there is nothing wrong with me. I don't need to somehow, quickly figure something out, come up with a plan in time o be off the hook lol.

I've had to really really want to live to climb out of hotspots so much, but when I look back 2 months go, actually 2 weeks, I think god he was a twat lol, like I'm glad I have grown from that person then.

So that's good in numerous ways. It displays that I do grow continually.

It's disgustingly clear to me own, super reflective eyes.

The work will never be done.

But I'm not pressuring myself over it at all. I feel really secure about myself and I simply try to encourage that in others.
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I believe there is hope for us all.
 
I see somebody who always stays in the yesterday/another place/universe but I'm pretty realistic about my body these days and know that I should make more sports but that also there are some guys who could need more sorry for their appearance than me. I lived long enough believing I was ugly when in reality my personality needs a kick in the right direction but now age's really beginning to take my ass down ... the music I'm listening to and the life I am living belong to people 15 years younger than me.
 
plumbus-nine said:
I see somebody who always stays in the yesterday/another place/universe but I'm pretty realistic about my body these days and know that I should make more sports but that also there are some guys who could need more sorry for their appearance than me. I lived long enough believing I was ugly when in reality my personality needs a kick in the right direction but now age's really beginning to take my ass down ... the music I'm listening to and the life I am living belong to people 15 years younger than me.
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I definitely need to exercise and eat more.

Eating grams and grams of MDMA in the past six months is not helping me health wise. So skinny. Drinking everyday now that I'm not rolling everyday isn't helping one bit either.
 
simstim said:
I definitely need to exercise and eat more.

Eating grams and grams of MDMA in the past six months is not helping me health wise. So skinny. Drinking everyday isn't helping one bit either.
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There's much worse things than being skinny, and I say this as somebody who always wanted to look man-ish, sixpack etc. you know, but also was somebody who could eat anything without putting on a gram - before I made the mistake of my life and went on opioid maintenance. Morphine pushed my test level down, and I'm now 82+kg when I was 55 as a teen and 60-65 as an adult. I know psychopharms hit some people worse and with sport I'd be down again in a year or so but it's all around my belly which just looks like 65, and I'm pretty lethargic when I'm not stimmed up and bullying killed each and any sports will in me, I am myopic with -10+dpt and with glasses, and kids, and sport, that's a no-no. Fuck how I found it horrific to be myopic when in reality it's one of the most benign "invalidities" we have as completely maskable with contact lenses - didn't I know back then.

Sorry for the rant. Seriously, exercising is so much easier as long as you have a shape which doesn't require it. These 'it-s all in your mind' gurus just lie blatantly because they don't/can't know how it really is not to be on top.

And indeed I considered amphetamine to aid burning fat. Already tried testosterone (just to find out that my value's still within normal range, but on the lower end, and that T supplements are seriously overpriced - but OTC here) which indeed has some subtle but very valuable effects and temporarily brought my libido back which together with my shape is gone, completely gone. I don't miss it too much though, life's easier without sexuality and just drugs for pleasure lol. But remembered the amph and maybe trying my luck tomorrow with the docs.. at least when I was already in good weight, amph's and even more serotonergic stims indeed killed any appetite for their duration but from the failure of them as slimming pills I don't have too high hopes.
 
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