I respect this point of view. In fact, it was absolutely critical for me to adopt a version of this in very early sobriety about six years ago. I wouldn't have made it without it. It's a rigorous definition for sure. And many, many people need extreme rigor in sobriety -- sometimes for a while; sometimes for the duration. It's certainly the A.A. way, and it works for lots of folks. Highly recommended!
PriestTheyCalledHim and the A.A. crowd would not consider me "sober" any longer, however. That's because I've used psychedelics during this period. Specifically, there have been times when I've felt myself moving closer and closer to a drink. A.A. and the accompanying fellowship, sponsorship, step work -- the whole thing -- just haven't gotten me back on track. Blame it on my program, my attitude, or whatever. (That said, casting blame or assigning responsibility actually doesn't matter a whole lot once you put bottle to lips.) In those situations, however, it's been psychedelics that have really gotten up close and personal with me with respect to the error of my ways and thinking. Mescaline, in particular, has shown me how beautiful my life is now -- and how much more beautiful it could be; how awful and meaningless it used to be; what a mess it could easily turn into again; and how grateful I really am (or should be) not to drink anymore. And I'm not talking about just a "pointing out" experience ... rather, a deep demonstration. {As a side note, I think it's a terrible shame that doctors and researchers in the '50s *knew* that psychedelics had this in them, and that this whole class of drugs was scheduled and made off-limits before their usefulness to the alcoholic could be explored in any depth.}
The point being: I don't know how to evaluate (other than in the most obvious and admittedly self-serving way) a "sobriety violating" experience that has made such a DEEP imprint on me, one that has left me committed to reapplying myself to a sober life and a generally better life. And with all due respect, it's very difficult to see how this experience could be bound to cause me "to relapse on my drug of choice" (alcohol) when the lessons learned from the experience run directly contrary. That is, the psychedelic experience has brought back to the present and reinforced the horrors of my alcoholic situation, which are by definition growing more and more distant in time as the years pass. So, the whole relapse connection is just not mentally clicking for me when it comes to psychedelics. That said, I would be amenable to some guidance and instruction. I still consider myself very "teachable."
But for now, I'm satisfied and comfortable with what I've done. I'm OK with the judgment that will accompany my actions from some corners. I can take being told that I'm not clean or sober; that I've exchanged one addiction for another (like psychedelics have addiction potential!); that I've blown it; that I'm a bad person ... or whatever anyone cares to dish out. Am I "kidding myself"? Who knows? Time will tell, right? Either I'll drink again or I won't. There isn't some other way this can go. (Although we certainly can speak of sobriety in broader terms than "drinking or not drinking.") But, for now, I'm ahead. I have no desire to drink today, and I very likely won't. Tomorrow's a safe bet, too. In fact, I'd really like to slide into Christmas Day and celebrate six years free of alcohol -- so I'll make that happen. That's what I care about. On the flip side, it's taken me a long time not to care whether some roomful of strangers can come to a consensus about whether my behavior conforms to terminology that they love and cherish. That's for them.
I'm probably misunderstanding the statement that "being clean and sober is not something personal...." It probably means that we need a consensus definition. But, to think that every individual isn't on his own solitary trip in sobriety is really to do an injustice to the incredible individuality of it all. That said, all paths should lead to the same place, I think: living a healthy, decent, productive, beautiful life ... full of love and compassion and happiness. LOTS of people I know -- and MANY more I don't know -- would fault me severely for the particular path I've found for myself. It's challenging to work through feelings and knowledge like that. But, life is complicated. And for me, it's not ALL about perfect sobriety -- like, proving something. Proving something to whom?
how are you doing?
