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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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^^^ same as

Had to go in for a few pre-op tests today and I've clearly not been recognising my anxiety, had a sort of mild panic attack and couldn't get my pulse below 100. The nurse left the room for a couple of minutes and I managed to get it down but it shot back up when she came back in. Everything else is OK and I think she understood.

She was convinced she knew me from somewhere and kept going on about it. I'm pretty sure I gave her and a friend of hers a lift back home from an illegal warehouse party 15 years ago and then saw her at the same parties a few times after. Didnt want to risk asking but she was the ward sister so I guess I see her again.

Now I've got to try and not get worked up about it, I'm good at hiding stuff but you can't hide you're pulse rate :(
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
You are definitely over thinking things. In a way life is really simple....

Don't expect anything from anyone unless it is explicitly stated they will do it.
Cut out the people and behaviours who make you feel bad.
Proactively engage with the people and behaviours that make you feel good.
Holding resentments only hurts you, it's like drinking poison and hoping someone else gets hurt.

I'm not saying it's easy, but it can be kind of simple when you break it down.
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Might sound complex, but I don't think complex over this. I was in a bad enough position to get myself there, once there it is impossible not to rely on people to help you in some way. Since we spoke the world has totally kicked my ass, and every single second of it was completely unfair in my opinion - like they did it just because they were bored or there was nothing else to do or they hate me.

Do you know how many people in the last couple months who explicitly stated they will do something and ran away without doing anything? Literally everyone except for one person I can think of.

Do you know how many people in the last couple months who explicitly stated they will do something and did the opposite? Literally everyone except for one person I can think of.

I talked about cutting them out but you said don't isolate yourself, what you don't believe me it is everyone? You don't believe me it is even the people I live with? Well I have a lot of people judging me the wrong way and not believing me so I am used to it.

It seems like you don't understand why we feel pain.
 
damn I wish I had control over my meds. So it looks like I'll be suffering for weeks. :!
 
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I just finished posting a new thread and i chcked the preview and tehe font was all fuckd. I wanted to to look kinda fancy but then when i posted it, it was all fucked, im so choked i jsut wanna post this damn thread lol getting so fucking imppatient
 
Papaverium said:
I just finished posting a new thread and i chcked the preview and tehe font was all fuckd. I wanted to to look kinda fancy but then when i posted it, it was all fucked, im so choked i jsut wanna post this damn thread lol getting so fucking imppatient
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Hey Papaverium,

If you want me to try and tidy that up and reopen it drop me a PM, anything for an Ambassador;)
 
Rox said:
Might sound complex, but I don't think complex over this. I was in a bad enough position to get myself there, once there it is impossible not to rely on people to help you in some way. Since we spoke the world has totally kicked my ass, and every single second of it was completely unfair in my opinion - like they did it just because they were bored or there was nothing else to do or they hate me.

Do you know how many people in the last couple months who explicitly stated they will do something and ran away without doing anything? Literally everyone except for one person I can think of.

Do you know how many people in the last couple months who explicitly stated they will do something and did the opposite? Literally everyone except for one person I can think of.

I talked about cutting them out but you said don't isolate yourself, what you don't believe me it is everyone? You don't believe me it is even the people I live with? Well I have a lot of people judging me the wrong way and not believing me so I am used to it.

It seems like you don't understand why we feel pain.
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Who do you mean when you say we?

Where did I say I don't believe any of what you have said?

The post was just a very simplistic breakdown of techniques I try to use that I find help me when I'm finding life difficult or complicated. I find that if I cut things down to those simple 'rules' then the emotional pain I experience in my life is lessened. Cutting certain people out of your life is not equivalent to isolating, it has to be used in conjuction with the proactively seeking out people who don't cause me emotional pain (which can be a very difficult process, granted).

Just so things are clear I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life or judging you, I just listed a few basic doctrines that I find help me move me to a better place when I engage with them and gave my opininion on what you had posted. I can relate to having peopple judging me and making me a scapegoat fore things (in a violent manner) for which I have no blame. I shouldn't have used the word definitely before saying you were over thinking, I don't know anything for definite so I apologise for my phrasing. It was a poor choice, I'm fallible just as we all are.

I hope you manage to start working things out better. I would encourage you to look past my inappropriate phrasing and poor communication skills and perhaps trying to use some of those 'rules' in your life because I've seen them work for many people including myself.


:)
 
Heroin makes me sad for no reason. Well even more sad than I already am. I really just want to die and don't need all that mushy "don't say that or life will get better bullshit". It's fucked up how someone can be suicidal since they've been ten, but still have to get up everyday... to not be a selfish bitch to their loved ones. Overdoses how many times, but still manages to get up? Lol, I worry that my life will actually get better one day and that day will be the day I actually get killed/die. Oh shit, I'm not depressed anymore *rainbows shoot out*... walks out door and gets hit by a car.

I make myself laugh sometimes.
 
I wish I never touched drugs but it's a <3 HATE relationship we have. When I'm ready Ill dump the shit, but at the moment it fills all my voids.
 
my dog shit on the kitchen floor last night. And at stupid o'clock I got up for a drink from the fridge and guess what I stood in the fucker barefooted of course had that shit between my toes and everything I tried to hop to the sink to wash my foot and being in my forties could not reach my leg up high enough to wash the stinky slimy foot in the sink. I had to hop on one foot up the stairs trying not to contaminate the house with dog shit. I finally washed the foot in the shower

That dog needs to realize I own a gun
 
My day hasn't even started yet and it's already ruined.



Fuck family and fuck living with other people.
 
Laika said:
Is it that guilty kind of sadness?
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No. I know what the guilty kind of sadness is and it's not that. More like an empty one. Also it didn't help finding the sweatpants my friend gave me the night he died of a heroin overdose. I miss him. I feel like why did I live/make it through that night and he didn't? I'm just 20 and dont know wtf I'm doing. I mean at least he had most of his shit together and three kids... but just had one bad night and made one bad decision. But what can I do? Nothing.
 
That's really sad about your friend stayfaded, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. :( I understand the empty sadness feeling you describe.

I'm so sick of myself and my stupid addictions and inability to do anything. I wish someone could help me as I really can't to get myself together myself. I'm addicted to heroin, restarting my script to subutex on the 31st and tapering off of benzos. I keep messing up my appointments, not picking up my scripts (not being able to leave the house everyday = goodbye subutex), in withdrawals everyday. I wish rehab was an option. There is a slim slim chance that the drug misuse place I go to will refer me to. They have said it is unlikely as I'm not engaging constistantly and keep not getting the subutex when I'm on it. I just get too anxious to leave my room for days on end and mope around in a depressed suicidal state. Everytime I fail it makes my motivation to get better less and less.
I'm going to give this all one more shot. Next week I'm going to try my hardest to go to a one on one meeting with my distant drug key worker. The next day go to a group "motivation" session. The next go to an appointment with a lovely case worker to get advice on my addictions, eating problems and depression. Ugh. :( I wish a bus would just run me over.
 
kace said:
That's really sad about your friend stayfaded, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. :( I understand the empty sadness feeling you describe.

I'm so sick of myself and my stupid addictions and inability to do anything. I wish someone could help me as I really can't to get myself together myself. I'm addicted to heroin, restarting my script to subutex on the 31st and tapering off of benzos. I keep messing up my appointments, not picking up my scripts (not being able to leave the house everyday = goodbye subutex), in withdrawals everyday. I wish rehab was an option. There is a slim slim chance that the drug misuse place I go to will refer me to. They have said it is unlikely as I'm not engaging constistantly and keep not getting the subutex when I'm on it. I just get too anxious to leave my room for days on end and mope around in a depressed suicidal state. Everytime I fail it makes my motivation to get better less and less.
I'm going to give this all one more shot. Next week I'm going to try my hardest to go to a one on one meeting with my distant drug key worker. The next day go to a group "motivation" session. The next go to an appointment with a lovely case worker to get advice on my addictions, eating problems and depression. Ugh. :( I wish a bus would just run me over.
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Try to keep that chin up. If you can get youself stable on the subutex it will really help level out your emotional turmoil, I was in a similar place to you a few months ago. You leave the house to go and score enough to get an opiate habit presumably so just think of your drug worker/pharmacist as your drug dealers for the moment? Once you get yourself stabilised on the bupe you will find the depression will fade a little and your anxiety should level off then you can work on forming a more positive relationship with your key worker. Once that happens you can get yourself off supervised consumption and start to get some of your life back.

Try not to think of all the shit you have going on as a whole because it can become overwhelming. Try to just work on things one at a time, making your appointments and picking up your subutex should be achievable even if you are finding it difficult but once you get stabilised it will get much easier. Don't beat yourself up about the issues you've got, that will just keep holding you back. All you can do is work with what you've got, and if for the moment that means just making your appointments and colllecting your script then that's fine focus on that. Do that and you'll have some more to work with as you regain some control , you can deal with the issues of guilt/anger towards yourself and all that sort of thing once you're in a more solid position to do it so try not to fret about it now.

Think of it like climbing a ladder out of the hole you seem to be in. You can't just jump straight to the top, and starting to climb it might be daunting because it can be a scary process, but if you get on to it and start climbing one rung at a time you'll get to the top in the end. Each little step you take will give you more confidence in your ability to climb it, and the first step on to the ladder can be the most difficult one because it's a step into/onto the unknown, but once you've done it and become confident in your ability to climb you will be moving up it without even thinking.

Good luck, getting myself on to subutex provided me with the stability I needed to start getting all my issues sorted it out, there's every chance it can do the same for you. I'm reducing on benzos as well and also trying to get other mental issues sorted out as well, the subutex provided me with the foundation I needed to start doing that. :)
 
@ greeney, I have same regret, I wished I never touched drugs. The love and hate relationship towards drugs is very exhausting, physically, emotionally and mentally, but I also think that I have learned so much about myself when I started taking, discovering my will power and discipline, my limit with regards to how much my body can handle. Im here hun if you want to talk it out.
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Try to keep that chin up. If you can get youself stable on the subutex it will really help level out your emotional turmoil, I was in a similar place to you a few months ago. You leave the house to go and score enough to get an opiate habit presumably so just think of your drug worker/pharmacist as your drug dealers for the moment? Once you get yourself stabilised on the bupe you will find the depression will fade a little and your anxiety should level off then you can work on forming a more positive relationship with your key worker. Once that happens you can get yourself off supervised consumption and start to get some of your life back.

Try not to think of all the shit you have going on as a whole because it can become overwhelming. Try to just work on things one at a time, making your appointments and picking up your subutex should be achievable even if you are finding it difficult but once you get stabilised it will get much easier. Don't beat yourself up about the issues you've got, that will just keep holding you back. All you can do is work with what you've got, and if for the moment that means just making your appointments and colllecting your script then that's fine focus on that. Do that and you'll have some more to work with as you regain some control , you can deal with the issues of guilt/anger towards yourself and all that sort of thing once you're in a more solid position to do it so try not to fret about it now.

Think of it like climbing a ladder out of the hole you seem to be in. You can't just jump straight to the top, and starting to climb it might be daunting because it can be a scary process, but if you get on to it and start climbing one rung at a time you'll get to the top in the end. Each little step you take will give you more confidence in your ability to climb it, and the first step on to the ladder can be the most difficult one because it's a step into/onto the unknown, but once you've done it and become confident in your ability to climb you will be moving up it without even thinking.

Good luck, getting myself on to subutex provided me with the stability I needed to start getting all my issues sorted it out, there's every chance it can do the same for you. I'm reducing on benzos as well and also trying to get other mental issues sorted out as well, the subutex provided me with the foundation I needed to start doing that. :)
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Thanks for your reply :).
Ah, no I don't leave the house to go and score. My partner brings it round everyday, I find it a struggle to leave the house, when I do it's too make money.. I'm just really struggling tapering off the benzos, I've never been on such a low amount since my addiction started. The anxiety is hell. Like I said, the past few months I struggle to leave my room let alone the house. I don't go out scoring for drugs lol. I'm terrified of being on subutex and the benzo withdrawals becoming too much and making me go ahead with all the suicidal thoughts again. They are what got me into heroin in the first place.
Sorry, I don't mean to sound all defensive, I just need to explain I'm not getting high as a kite on opiates everyday. It's more like, being in wds all day then smoking a small amount which just stops them and no more. Whenever I leave I do attend the drop ins, the long periods of time my substance abuse place say I am absent I am in bed wishing I were dead. I have begged for help at the drug misuse place I go to for proper counselling, pored my heart out, it's embarrassing. I hate this and how reliant I am on my partner to help me with the wds..
Thank you for your advice and you're totally right about taking it one step at a time.
 
Are you on a forced benzo reduction? It's perfectly reasonable to ask for your reduction to be frozen whilst you switch on to the subbies. Should help a lot.

If you're in wd everyday then it's only natural your emotions will be all over the place. I would really prioritise trying to get on to the subbbies. Ask for the freeze on the benzo reduction leading up to the switch over to subbies, should make it much easier. .
 
Dam kace,

That all sounds prreyy grim, The Big Owen MK2 is already on you case (several puns intended) if we cant offer some proper help to valued members that are probably less than a hour away why are we here.

Lee us know here or feel free to PM or Email me any-time, I wouldnt even no where to start wit weird stuff so you have my assurance there.

Sounds like you CTing pretty hard and if its benzoz and opies at the same time with no medical help, your goin gto need to get more comfortable somehow, I'm sure we can work summit out.

PM or mail me if you think I could be of at least a bit of support, I can drop you my mobile number to man email address, you've been part of the community here for a long time and you're not ready to go down like this:\
 
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