Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

[Maya]

^yeah I need a break too... perhaps I should take a friday off from work :D

 

[tackyspiral]

hey there tds its been a while ..... here is my vent i am really frustrated i cant really work out because i had a random accident on friday where a glass dropped and then somehow on the bounce it sliced my leg (7 stitches above ankle nicked the muscle tissue have to stay off it for a week or so) ..... anyway i feel like i can feel my body blowing up (fat wise) i realize i am probably exaggerating but i really want to be skinny again and i worked so hard to even lose a few pounds so its very frustrating
also i have had a lot a lot of anxiety with school its been wierd i feel so out of my element i am sure everyone else in my program is looking at me and wondering what the hell i am doing in there - at a time when i should be psyched and proud of myself i just feel extremely low in the self confidence area
and my anxiety has been so bad i wake up in the middle of the night with INTENSE itching on my upper arms and the only explanation is a physiological symptom of stress and anxiety
And the fucked up part is I am doing all the right things - rrrrrrg

 

[drewbocop]

Well after a pretty substantial amount of clean/sober time I subconsciously decided to relapse on alcohol and acted on it. And my landlord's girlfriend called the police and reported me for violating probation. Spent the night in jail but got released on a PR bond the next day. Now I not only have to do a full panel drug test/etg 2x/month still but I ALSO have to do 3 PBT's a WEEK. This adds up to a substantial amount of money every month on top of fines, etc. And I'm unemployed. So now I basically have to beg my 60 year old mother to cover my ass yet again. Feeling pretty low guys and the anxiety I have over my looming PoV Hearing is killing me. This is my first ever violation and I was supposed to be off in 3 months, now who knows?

Oh, and my birthday's tomorrow. Feels bad man.

 

[herbavore]

^That truly sucks, drew. I'm really sorry. Is there work you can do for your mom or other relatives rather than just borrowing the money? I doesn't feel right to say Happy Birthday since it doesn't sound like it will be but I'm going to wish you one anyway. Happy Birthday, drew, and may this year be the year that you talk about in the future as the one where you found your strength and power over addiction and began to live freely.


@Tacky--does your school have free counseling? I think that talking to someone and getting some strategies for how to deal with the anxiety before it gets any bigger would do you a world of good. You are amazing in what you are accomplishing but you have to be vigilant about anxiety and lack of confidence--those can make you throw your hardest work away just by wearing you down from the inside. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Good luck.

 

[foolsgold]

well i could have no say in what happens to me form next Monday police want to see me and i don't think IL be coming back

 

[Allein]

well i could have no say in what happens to me form next Monday police want to see me and i don't think IL be coming back

Sorry to hear your having problems with the rozzers FG, surely can't be that big a deal if they are just asking you to turn up on Monday rather then breaking your door down and dragging you away in cuffs ?

 

[Corazon]

vent: Hard day today. I somehow had a panic attack at my counselor appointment and had to leave early. Kind of funny, but I was too sick and scared to ask to see a psych doctor who could possibly prescibe anxiety meds. Not sure I want to go that route anyway. I was legitimately exhausted and in fairly poor health going there, but I think i got scared. I think/hope it was only anxiety and not a physical problem. Almost drove to the ER instead of home. At least I don't feel as scared now. I don't know if this stomach pain is just nerves or what... Came home and took my blood pressure meds that I hadn't taken, and drank a few beers which seemed to help, and then found out my 92yo grandmother was sick, so I went to get her medicine. I think my internet is going to get cut off soon, and my brakes are starting to make some noise on my car. My job center has been bullshit, I had it together for like 3 months waiting for the promised interview, and still no interview. Now my health has taken a down-turn. I don't care, I will still do good at the interview. I really do not need alcoholism in my life right now, when this case is gone, i'm not buying any more.

 

[herbavore]

My son looked for over a year for a camper van that he and his girlfriend could afford and they planned a 17 thousand mile camping trip all over the states after they graduated. After driving all over the southwest, Texas and then the midwest for months, through rivers and over rough roadless land the van was unfortunately totaled in a freak rainstorm in Detroit that dumped enough water in the parking lot at my sister in law's house to soak the electrical and engine (over 2 feet of water from one storm!). That's bad enough since it took them a year of searching forums and craigslist nationwide to find the van in the first place (one they could afford) but that isn't what I need to vent and rant about.

They have had a great attitude about the whole thing and have been very flexible and undaunted in trying to figure out how to go forward. Insurance will not pay enough for them to get another camper so they decided to get a car and a rooftop tent and, since the trip has been so delayed, to hunker down someplace in about a month and work until spring. OK, that sounds easy until you buy the car in another state and try to register it and then get insurance. They are California residents with California drivers licenses but the car they found was in New York. They bought and went off to the DMV to register it and they refused saying that they would have to return to CA to register it. After two days of arguing they finally got someone to give them a 30 day temp registration but then they went to AAA to insure it and they refused saying that it has to be registered in your state of residence. They explained that they were on a year-long trip and that would not be possible and they literally told them that they must drive the car to CA and register it in order to buy insurance. From New York to California??? Why can't you register it online? They have called every single insurance company they know of and they all say the same thing.

It turns out that many people without state residency (called "nomads") who are mostly RVers, register their vehicles in South Dakota. They were going to do that and then found out that it would not help them with insurance unless they have an address in South Dakota. (PO boxes don't count.) AAAAAAAAGGHH! I hate nonsensical bureaucracies.

Does anyone have any experience with anything like this? I told them that maybe their best bet was to simply say that they are moving to Detroit and to apply for a driver's license and residency there and then to move on and go wherever they want once it is all taken care of. I wish someone had a better answer, though, as that will mean spending lots of time (and therefore $$) in Detroit.

 

[harmacologist]

i knew coming here was a bad idea.

i need to get out again.

 

[drewbocop]

Hmm herbavore. I'm in Michigan currently (trying to get the fuck back out). I lived in NC and had proper NC license, bought a car that was unfortunately totalled on the way to Michigan. Bought a car in Michigan once I arrived with my parents and had no issues registering it with my NC license. Then I lost that license, but that's a whole 'nother story. Could it be that it's because it's a camper type vehicle?

 

[foolsgold]

fucking panic attacks sat with noose again just going try and sleep

scratch that cant sleep head running hundred miles an hour

 

[Carl Landrover]

Multiple people in my family and in my life remind me a few times a week about how much I've ruined their lives and my life.

I woke up yesterday hearing about how I'm unreliable, inconsistent, and how my stepfather could be doing a much better job than me at keeping up with the lawn. That's what it was about, the front and back lawn. Very important stuff for the suburbs. And this relates to how I'm unreliable and a waste of life.


It's hard to be consistently reminded about how much of a disappointment I am.

Carl "The Disappointment" Landrover

 

[The Doc.]

Multiple people in my family and in my life remind me a few times a week about how much I've ruined their lives and my life.

I woke up yesterday hearing about how I'm unreliable, inconsistent, and how my stepfather could be doing a much better job than me at keeping up with the lawn. That's what it was about, the front and back lawn. Very important stuff for the suburbs. And this relates to how I'm unreliable and a waste of life.


It's hard to be consistently reminded about how much of a disappointment I am.

Carl "The Disappointment" Landrover

That's too bad man wish you could change things around. It sucks the most when you know your bringing it all on yourself and the only thing standing between you and being successful is this stupid drug that has you by the short hairs.

 

[foolsgold]

yes it great when your parents say shit like that to you isn't it

 

[herbavore]

@ Carl--Americans and their fucking lawns.....

Hang in there, guy, you know that your worth as a human being is not dependent on either tidy green grass or clueless remarks by parents.

 

[Carl Landrover]

It's getting to be really hard. I just feel so alone all the time. The only people I do interact with are pretty negative towards me and I have no one else.

I just don't know where to go from this point

 

[The Doc.]

It's getting to be really hard. I just feel so alone all the time. The only people I do interact with are pretty negative towards me and I have no one else.

I just don't know where to go from this point

You thought about going back on Suboxone? Does that not hold you anymore? Mabye methadone? I know how hard it is to quit I am thankful I was able to go on Suboxone to get my life on tract again but without it I would still be in the same position as you. It sucks big time but there will be better days ahead Carl keep your head up. If your family is being mean to you for no reason then mabye try to go on your own? Is that feasible? If there getting mad cause you keep screwing up and letting them down well then I think you already know the answer to what you have to do to fix it. But its all easier said than done people who don't do drugs don't understand what we as addicts go through in our minds. Its like torture just listening to ourselves think sometimes.

 

[drewbocop]

Carl, I hear you man. That's how it is for me. I'm stuck in a bit of legal trouble back in my home town where I've created much chaos and destruction so I don't even like to go out and see anybody because I have so much guilt and idiocy in my past. My parents who are now 60s are saving my ass once again and getting me out of a dangerous living situation with people willing to try and get me in more trouble to benefit themselves. While I appreciate it, I have to hear constant lectures from my mom especially about how "this is the last time" and "you must change forever now." She wants me to live a complete life of abstinence from drugs and alcohol, which is just not realistic. I don't do drugs anymore but having drinks is just a part of life in your 20s and 30s. It's a difficult situation and I understand that all I can do is try to work, pay them back some money, and try to live a responsible, confident, and appreciable life not only for myself but for everyone else too just to make amends for all my misappropriations. That's all we can really do, man.

 

[onechance]

I'm scared to be sober forever. The thought of having to be inside this head with no break ever is scary and shitty and annoying.
It makes me resent my boyfriend for saying that I have to just grow the fuck up and never drink again because I get really mean to him when I drink. I don't want to I consciously try not to be.
It's so anticlimactic, I haven't been to uni drunk for over a year, I quit drugs. My alcohol use has been sort of ok, on major flip out every six months, I don't even care anymore. But now he really wants me just to stop? Before he kept saying "you need to learn to control it" he said he'd rather I did drink and we could have fun drinking together. Now he's finally got the idea that proper control really doesn't happen so I should stop but "AA is a waste of time" In other words just figure it out yourself? He is just saying "Get the fuck over it, grow up". I'm not saying I couldn't do that, but what's in it for me? I hate myself. I hate being in my head. I've been sober for 6 months before, it's fine. But the prospect of never again. I HATE IT.

 

[Zerrr]

I hope things improve for you Carl Landrover. I don't believe I have ever interacted with you here but if I had to think of my fav posters you'd be one of them. I'm pretty sure many others feel the same way.

Take Care