Relationships + Drugs Ultimatum.

[thujone]

i don't know how much your partner knows about addiction but i do know that sometimes people just want to be reassured that you're really really earnest about doing your absolute best for them / the relationship.

there are going to be rough waters either way, at some point you might be allowed a wee slip up, but it's best to assume that you'll have to bank a few years of good will before you're allowed to break down a little

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Thanks everyone for replying to this. I know I've brought this issue up before ; now it's come into laser-sharp focus because we're one step away from making this relationship legal. And it's a huge dilemma for me. Whatever feedback I get here really means a lot.

 

[thujone]

Well then... Congrats! Do it right

 

[Opana313]

I have hid my opioid addiction and benzo use from my lover for years and years.. she helped me get clean in the very beginning from Tramadol, 30mg addy, and 10mg valium addiction and although I love her for it and sticking with me, but even almost a decade later, she knows. Being broke or sick is usually a dead give away..

I'll tell ya right now in future arguments your past use will be thrown in your face, but then again I realized it was the bars that really fucked me up and made it a dead give away..nodding out and or crashing out. Or her finding random shit that even I forgot about (like a 5mg suboxone patch that I didn't care for). And all hell breaks loose and out comes more ultimatums, and getting kicked out to being "separated" which both would not last long, as I would always come back.

Even after being degraded to the lowest levels everytime for this shit that I go thru over and over. Puts a toll on her mental health and mine. Everytime she puts me out and screams it's over I can't help but break down and apologize even though I'm probably on speaker phone hashing it out with her while crushing another pill whether it's more oxy I didn't plan to even use, or other dangerous high risk behavior like crushing up a quarter or half of fentanyl. TAKE NOTE: if you do relapse or your S/O finds out or finds that you still like to play here or there, during/after arguments, the emotions flaring: will lead to more WANT of that drug use. Like I said, during these fights I always find myself dipping into my stash when I don't even want or need to. This is always something I hated. BUT I love her so I always crawl back even if I feel degraded and humiliated to less than zero.

I feel you. My DOC is opioids preferably oxy, or hydros and all else under the opiate sun but not H.. but yeah once I finally mustered up the courage to try suboxone I realized that it has turned my life around almost 180degrees, BUT I still LOVE my opioids although I dont NEED it everyday(besides subs) so yeah I'm that guy that flirts back n forth from subs to oxy. To this moment I believe she knows or has her suspicions of me either still using it from time to time.. I feel my use has became more in control especially with the help of subs, and I do feel that I have became more mature about my use, just like it sounds like you have, and for this I congratulate you!

Just beware because if the other suspects anything (even when your clean) it can put you in a hectic head space. Especially if they trying to search you, your car, or personal items or demanding a drug test or other invasive tactics like trying to have full control of your finances is definitely NOT cool or fun to go through. I hope that you and everyone can go without forever but sad truth is the WANT(you said it best yourself)..and the one of many things non-drug users will probably never understand..

I'm not going to wish you luck, you do not need it.
Love will prevail always, just be careful and be cautious..your lover deserves that from you at the least, it's just hard to explain that our addictions are a work in progress not only day to day but by each moment that passes. You will be fine, just try to be careful and work toward your own goals, not any that someone else thinks is best, you already be knowing it.

 

[Frog Dreams]

I wouldn't marry someone under those circumstances.

I WON'T bloody like it.

That's no way to start a life, IMO.

Sounds like you're going to be conflicted about it. That will probably develop into bitterness / resentment.

And the more I feel OBLIGED to stop 100% and FOR GOOD, paradoxically the more I think about it and the more I crave it.

Yeah, I definitely feel you on that one.

The best thing I've ever done in terms of quitting everything is stopping trying to quit everything.

If I try to quit something I don't want to quit, I end up having way more of it because I'm afraid of never having it again.

You can't not be yourself. In order to quit completely, you need to get to a point where you don't want to use.

I can force myself, but - like you - I fucking hate it. It makes me miserable.

...

I don't know what your DOC is, but there are ways to get rid of that urge. 5-meo-DMT completely removed my desire for amphetamines. I've heard of people having similar success with other substances.

There's also Iboga, ayahuasca, etc.

I'm not suggesting you go down this path, but it might be possible to shed that desire in which case (maybe) there won't be a conflict and you can just get married and be happy ever after.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

In order to quit completely, you need to get to a point where you don't want to use.

Exactly that. I'm fine with occasional / moderated use, because I got to a point where I genuinely didn't want to be using daily anymore.
I am however not fine with the idea of total abstinence.

I can force myself, but - like you - I fucking hate it. It makes me miserable.

It's kinda like being told to not eat a favourite meal ever again. Sure I don't NEED to eat that thing, I can live without it, but I LIKE eating it and having to strike it off the menu bums me out.


... However not being with this person is not an option.

 

[Opana313]

The best thing I've ever done in terms of quitting everything is stopping trying to quit everything.

Truth.

I love this right here, if anyone has ever listened to Allen Watts' lectures he will explain this over and over, that in order to beat the devil, you best not let the devil know what you're up to(trying to quit) which turns into trying to not try completely and just stop..so to speak.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Truth.

I love this right here, if anyone has ever listened to Allen Watts' lectures he will explain this over and over, that in order to beat the devil, you best not let the devil know what you're up to(trying to quit) which turns into trying to not try completely and just stop..so to speak.

Reminds me of this New Year's resolution thing where people expect far too much of themselves and are set up for failure as a result. Like 'as of tomorrow I will start an exercise regime AND go on a diet AND get a new job AND refurbish the house' and two weeks later it's like 'I can't do all that at once so I won't do any of it'

 

[Opana313]

Exactly, basically you can't not let the devil know your plans, because as you are thinking up the good plans, you basically subconsciously let your evil side know at the same time, simultaneously; well because it's your own thoughts in your own head!!!

But yes I've always felt the same about new year resolutions..

I hate to quote Drake but I feel the same about his view on making music,
"They saying I'm back.
I'd agree with that.
I just TAKE MY TIME with all this shit,
I still believe in that."

basically for my own health and sanity, I have to take my time with all this shit as well..baby steps, Rome wasn't built in a day, and any other used up catchy phrase describes my belief when it comes to my own personal endeavors through addiction into recovery.
Sure I could just stop all, CT and be done with it but I also know that my own will is not ready, and would end in a relapse disaster.. but the flip side of this same coin is that I do want to be clean & free.

Truth is I just want to be able to Master not only my intake of drugs but to master all possessions/situations. To jump on a wild horse blazing & bucking through the land to handled it/steady/, Tamed.

Sorry I've stretched way off topic into some philosophical posts about my own addiction.

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, or join the dance.." Allan Watts

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Ok you lot. Should I go for it?!

 

[Frog Dreams]

Should I go for it?!

No, you shouldn't.

Only get married if you know.

If you're asking the question, you have your answer.

There should be no question.

...

If you do decide to go through with it, show your partner this thread. He deserves to know everything about you. You shouldn't want to hide anything. You should be talking about this stuff with him, not us.

Doubt isn't a good foundation for a marriage.

Get married when you know.

I am however not fine with the idea of total abstinence.

Don't ignore yourself.

 

[Rainman1964]

Hey honey,

You might want to look into what your real issue inside of you is that causes you to do drugs. Drugs are not the problem -- they are the symptom, as many have said and most of us know. You will never be able to stop doing drugs or any other type of activity or bad habit if we do not know what drove us to it in the first place and acknowledge that fresh hell.

This is just my two cents, but I never have relationships with anyone who tells me I have to stop something for them, etc. Take me or leave me as I am. The right person will never give you an ultimatum about anything at all.

Good luck. You will make the right decision for youl

V

 

[CFC]

The thing is, right.

I've ALREADY changed
my habit from a compulsive one where I shot up sometimes 8x a day (if I could get it) back to 2 x a week and often less, with taking extended tolerance breaks over weeks and even months in between.
So no real reason why I can't take the next step and say OK I'm gonna go WITHOUT.

I can say with total assurance that I no longer feel like I NEED it.
However, I do feel like I still WANT it.
It's difficult to near-impossible to resist a felt need. It's entirely possible, but very aggravating, to resist a felt want.
For me it's no longer like 'I require this shit to live' and more like 'I still love this shit and enjoy the effects and am not truly ready to give it up completely'.

... And the more I feel OBLIGED to stop 100% and FOR GOOD, paradoxically the more I think about it and the more I crave it. And this puts me in a personal quandary.

Hmm, your/his idea seems so fundamentally wrong-headed to me I barely know where to begin the critique. But to cut a long story short, it would appear you're basically planning to make drugs and drug use the most important component of your entire marriage and relationship. I get the feeling that's probably the opposite of what you intended.

So instead of doing that, I'll propose a better idea: get sober for a year, then get married. That way you'll know you actually can stay sober without the risk of potentially wrecking both your lives and your marriage, and will avoid making everything about drugs.

 

[SpiralusSancti]

No, you shouldn't.

Only get married if you know.

If you're asking the question, you have your answer.

There should be no question.

...

If you do decide to go through with it, show your partner this thread. He deserves to know everything about you. You shouldn't want to hide anything. You should be talking about this stuff with him, not us.

Doubt isn't a good foundation for a marriage.

Get married when you know.



Don't ignore yourself.

I agree with everything but with showing BL thread. Imho people are allowed to have part of their lives totally or almost totally separated from their partners. I would share my participation on BL only with someone who's also into that kind of life and only after a long relationship.
I had one pretty good relationship in part ruined for not wanting to share my online life with her and looking back at it we were both crazy and crazy in love but damn..idk

Drugs are not the problem -- they are the symptom, as many have said and most of us know.

I think that varies a lot from person to person and that it's a huge oversimplification to say so. My life was filled with drugs and at the same time pretty good, even wonderful I would say. I (at least think) used psychedelics and to an extent dissos as self exploration tools and much more, weed at least in part as self medication but mostly cuz I love being high and opiates & stims as a treat of a kind. While me being a huge stoner was probably a symptom I'm pretty sure I would have smoked weed even if I didn't "need" it. So let's say all of this was a symptom, symptom of being me I guess, but when I fucked up with etizolam, coke, booze and to a lesser extent morphine (never really found morphine use problematic in any way or escalating) drugs became a problem a lot more than symptom.
Now I'm fine with drugs again. Hardly using and plan to have another round to the Stars, but this time a lot wiser and without partners that are heavily into them or if they are I'll at least try to avoid those who are really (self)destructive when it comes to drugs and life in general.. O yeah, I might add that even I don't blame anyone for escalation of my drug use some years ago, I'm positive it would never end in a such a way if I didn't end up with a girl who was a lot more into heavy use than I realized at first. And in that sense, even they say heart doesn't chose, brain can decide to not go on self/all-round-destructive run. But I would neither accept anyones ultimatum about my drug use nor push mine on anyone as that simply wouldn't work out good.

 

[VerbalTruist]

I'm scared I might not be able to keep that promise 100%. And scared of the consequences if I don't.

... I honestly don't find life worth living without him but likewise contemplating never taking another hit, NEVER getting to feel that way again absolutely goes against the grain.

My wife gave me an ultimatum with opiates. Unless they were prescribed, she would be gone, or really expect me to leave. That was 12 or more years ago and she probably saved my life. It’s just opiates though.

Setting an all substance ultimatum sounds pretty intense for someone with your history. What are the limits of the the ultimatum?

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Hey honey,

You might want to look into what your real issue inside of you is that causes you to do drugs. Drugs are not the problem -- they are the symptom, as many have said and most of us know. You will never be able to stop doing drugs or any other type of activity or bad habit if we do not know what drove us to it in the first place and acknowledge that fresh hell.

This is just my two cents, but I never have relationships with anyone who tells me I have to stop something for them, etc. Take me or leave me as I am. The right person will never give you an ultimatum about anything at all.

Good luck. You will make the right decision for youl

V

Oh, I know this. I used it for a long time as a maladaptive coping mechanism and I know exactly why. There's not a single detail of the various ways in which I'm fucked up or what caused it that I am unaware of. There's no soul-searching left to be done on that front.

This is not the issue here. I've stopped using it to compensate for shit literal years ago. Not leaning on it as a panacea for all of life's vicissitudes anymore was what ended my addicted phase. The only reason now is the same reason as when I started, which is that I find it PLEASURABLE. I enjoy getting high on the stuff. It's like a treat. I don't like being asked to give up a thing that gives me a lot of pleasure, but on the other hand I practically drove him to that.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

My wife gave me an ultimatum with opiates. Unless they were prescribed, she would be gone, or really expect me to leave. That was 12 or more years ago and she probably saved my life. It’s just opiates though.

Setting an all substance ultimatum sounds pretty intense for someone with your history. What are the limits of the the ultimatum?

No he doesn't expects me to not take ANYTHING. He likes a drink or two himself. He's ok with alcohol and weed. He's not ok with any other drugs but I don't really use any excepting only heroin. So it's the heroin but that also happens to be my favourite.

PS for the record it's been over 6 years since I was using daily. And haven't been doing any for quite awhile as of now, but I would like some.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

No, you shouldn't.

There should be no question.

There isn't one. There hasn't really been a question ever since I got to know him. I have precisely zero doubts about the fact that I want to grow old with this guy.

What I'm questioning is more my ability to stick to what he's asking of me, and in fairness to him it's the only thing he's asking.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

There isn't one. There hasn't really been a question ever since I got to know him. I have precisely zero doubts about the fact that I want to grow old with this guy.

What I'm questioning is more my ability to stick to what he's asking of me, and in fairness to him it's the only thing he's asking.

well nobody (including yourself probably) can answwr that so you're asking the impossible!

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

well nobody (including yourself probably) can answwr that so you're asking the impossible!

Haha I'm not expecting anyone to tell me what to do with my life. Just using this as a sounding board to help me get my thoughts in order.