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Relationships + Drugs Ultimatum.

TheUltimateFixx

TheUltimateFixx

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Joined
Jul 8, 2021
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Planning to marry. Condition : one more instance of using on my part and it's game over. :(

Edit : if anyone gets the impression I'm about to get hitched to a manipulative bastard who wants to change me to suit himself, please read my post #9 on this thread. That gives the background which I should have included from the get-go.
 
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Try to have compassion towards self too. It’s wonderful that you have decided to take a path that would benefit you and your partner long term. But people often forget we are human, thus imperfect by nature.
I’m happy for you and I wish that whatever difficulties you and your partner face in the future, you have a strong enough foundation in love and trust to be able to work through all difficulties.
 
Opi_Kid_Rock said:
you have a strong enough foundation in love and trust to be able to work through all difficulties.
Click to expand...

it's the trust part that doesn't sound so secure.

it's not just a question of whether they will be able to work through actual problems, it's also a question of how well you can tolerate being accused of using every time your partner gets suspicious that you might be.
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
Planning to marry. Condition : one more instance of using on my part and it's game over. :(
Click to expand...
That is quite the ultimatum, for sure. Well, IMO.
This person must be extra special to you for you to even consider these terms.
However it works out my hopes are that you find a happiness that is sustainable. Damned if I don't feel as if I am always chasing a breeze but I also realize that I am a nobody but we all are unique in our own way.
Although my SO and I have been there many times (use again and that's it) we some how are still together.
I will say that I am a much different kind of user than when we first met.
I also think I could actually get my shit together and become more than what I feel I am although I am what I am so not sure if there is anything other than the obvious occasional crack attacks that could/would make much difference in our lives. So many external forces at play here (societal BS) that have more of an influence on our lives and well being.
Always confused but living,
J
<3

Do you think this ultimatum is doable and worth the changes/compromises? Just wondering....
1
 
thujone said:
it's also a question of how well you can tolerate being accused of using every time your partner gets suspicious that you might be.
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He doesn't do that. It's just that he's made it pretty clear he can't tolerate using.
 
jasperkent said:
Personally I could never enter a commitment like marriage with a "one strike and you're out, no discussion" rule attached to it.
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You should probably know that the only reason it's come to this is my own behaviour.
And it's a case of 'one MORE strike and you're out'.

1. I let him fall in love with me and didn't tell him I was a drug user until years into the relationship, despite knowing his attitude on drug use and that if he'd known at the start he wouldn't even have considered me for a serious relationship.
2. Even so he was (reluctantly) prepared to tolerate occasional use, only I then kept pushing the fact in his face for whatever perverse reason I don't even understand myself.
3. I broke his trust completely when visiting my (junkie) friend one time. He wasn't comfortable with me seeing him because we'd usually use together. I promised him that I would not be using during my visit and broke that promise the same night. He nearly left me then.
4. One time I managed to overdose during a phone conversation with him and it caused him to basically have a breakdown at work, in front of colleagues he absolutely despises who don't need any more ammunition.

So basically I've stretched his goodwill to the limit and have comprehensively blown whatever chance I had of him making allowances for me, and any tolerance he might have ever had for drug users. I consider myself fortunate he's still with me tbh.

Oh and lastly, he lives in a part of the world where the drug cartels are responsible for a ton of violence and misery, and druggies are the type to not just steal, but routinely rob and murder. So not exactly an unreasonable prejudice on his part.
 
HumanityIsTheDevil said:
This sounds worrying tbh. An addict will never quit unless he really wants to. I've tried to save a few relationships by getting clean/sober, but in the end i always chose drinking and drugging over the relationship.

I still wish you the best of luck.
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The thing is, right.

I've ALREADY changed
my habit from a compulsive one where I shot up sometimes 8x a day (if I could get it) back to 2 x a week and often less, with taking extended tolerance breaks over weeks and even months in between.
So no real reason why I can't take the next step and say OK I'm gonna go WITHOUT.

I can say with total assurance that I no longer feel like I NEED it.
However, I do feel like I still WANT it.
It's difficult to near-impossible to resist a felt need. It's entirely possible, but very aggravating, to resist a felt want.
For me it's no longer like 'I require this shit to live' and more like 'I still love this shit and enjoy the effects and am not truly ready to give it up completely'.

... And the more I feel OBLIGED to stop 100% and FOR GOOD, paradoxically the more I think about it and the more I crave it. And this puts me in a personal quandary.
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
... And the more I feel OBLIGED to stop 100% and FOR GOOD, paradoxically the more I think about it and the more I crave it. And this puts me in a personal quandary.
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and there's the rub, it's almost certain that you would feel that way in the circunmstances

difficult - I giess the best way is to do the old just-will-not-use-today trick instead of getting overwhelmed by the immensity of 'forever'. You know the score
 
ageingpartyfiend said:
and there's the rub, it's almost certain that you would feel that way in the circunmstances

difficult - I giess the best way is to do the old just-will-not-use-today trick instead of getting overwhelmed by the immensity of 'forever'. You know the score
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YES. And what rankles the most is I put MYSELF in this position. He was willing to push his own limits before I basically made it impossible for him.
 
Didn't he already give you the same ultimatum (maybe without the marriage part, IIRC) many months ago? I recall reading a very similar thread. What happened since then? Have you been doing your DOC? Maybe he just wants some more reassurance that you've moved on from your previous lifestyle.
 
Relationship is self sacrifice. We become obsessed and compulsive by it, the issue is, are we more obsessed and compulsive about love ? Or junk? Are we willing to sacrifice ourselves for love? Or junk? I know what you are going through, I was in a similar situation. The only difference is she never knew; only I knew, and that scared the living shit out of me, because I was not the same person she actually thought she was with. That made me work to quit, also what helped was my fear of continuing to fuck up my body royal, so i guess I quit for her, and for me, because I wanted to. Still crave like a batch, daily... one day at a time...

If you do decide to agree, remember. The honey moon period may end with relationships also, just like with drugs. Don't let that push you over the edge to use. Self sacrifice, leave what you love, for someone you love. Sometimes you need to tough it out and make love out of thin air, fire romance up even though your brain can't. It's hard. Really hard. But it must be done if you decided to be set in your way by then.

I use to write poetry, each drug was a different lover. Man, what feel good does to one, instant gratitude and complete loss of logic.
 
4meSM said:
Didn't he already give you the same ultimatum (maybe without the marriage part, IIRC) many months ago? I recall reading a very similar thread. What happened since then? Have you been doing your DOC? Maybe he just wants some more reassurance that you've moved on from your previous lifestyle.
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Yep. He did.

And I was conflicted about it back then. I couldn't help bringing the issue back up because now I'm actually about to commit my life to someone and there's no going back.
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
So basically I've stretched his goodwill to the limit and have comprehensively blown whatever chance I had of him making allowances for me, and any tolerance he might have ever had for drug users. I consider myself fortunate he's still with me tbh.
Click to expand...

this makes it sound a bit different than an ultimatum, more like he's doing the courtesy of letting you know up front what the stakes are.

are you scared of the what-ifs? life is always fraught with things that can push a person to use, sometimes "coping" just means doing something that everyone has to do from time to time.

i would do something uncharacteristic and radical to signal a clean break from the old life, something that can form a strong memory that you can seek refuge in when life gets hard and reminds you that the old life is something that some other person lived and has nothing to do with how you're going to cope from now on
 
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