Mental Health Twenty-six Years Is Long Enough

[SickOfBeingHere]

There are Twenty-six letters in the alphabet. I am Twenty-six years old. To me, that's enough time spent living.

I have never been accepted into society nor have I really had any friends, mainly because I have a brain injury (I had it since birth) which presents many challenges, such as socializing. I can get upset easily and stand up for myself because I don't like being treated like dirt, and people don't like that. I have done impulsive things that have gotten me in trouble (and most of the impulsive things I did I felt bad about; the only time I wouldn't feel bad is if someone had been continuously harassing me and nothing would be done), even at my current age. I try not to and tried to control this but it seems no matter what, I will always do something bad. I have also tried to get help but no psychiatrist or psychologist will see me unless my mother is there; as soon as I tell them I have a brain injury (and had it since birth) they cut me off and won't see me by myself. This angers me; I have not had this problem when it comes to other medical professionals - I have gone to my physician (who does not treat or know anyone in my family), the emergency room, the dentist, and the optometrist by myself and never had an issue when I was by myself with any of these professionals.

The brain injury I have is a cyst that covers the entire right side of my brain - it impairs my analyzing skills, communication skills, problem solving skills, I have no peripheral vision on my left because of this cyst, I have no sense of smell, and I am epileptic. This cyst cannot be removed because it covers the entire right side of my brain.

I am not in a wheelchair and I graduated college with a 96% Average in the Administrative Specialist program, but if a potential employer finds out I have a disability, I am not hired. I am not the only person with a disability with this problem; it seems there is a general reluctance to hire people with disabilities - I even have friends who are hearing impaired and, because of that, they can't find jobs either.

Anyway, I have attempted suicide many times but I am sick of living a life that seems to have no purpose; I am constantly reminded of my wrongdoings - even when I did nothing wrong at all. My mom will just bring something up out of the blue, or she will remind me how people don't like me because of the fact that I have a disability. I know it's the truth, as I have lived it and been told it by not only her, but others as well. She even reminded me today that when I was five years old and in Sparks the leader would not allow me to participate in the collections because of my disability and challenges. Because of all of this, I have made the choice that I am not putting up with this anymore. I have endured it for Twenty-six years; I don't have anyone else to live with nor can I afford my own place. I have decided that I will soon be killing myself in a very painful way but to me, it's worth it since I feel that emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. And to those who say I will be making my mom upset: She has told me SEVERAL TIMES that her life would be easier if I wasn't in it; she's too embarrassed to bring anyone home because of me. So she can now bring home whoever she wants and finally have the freedom she has been wishing for, since I won't be around to hinder her from it anymore.

There are twenty-six letters in the alphabet and I am Twenty-six years old; therefore, I am on my final letter and there is nothing left for me. It will soon be goodbye and I can't wait. I don't care if I have to be completely sober (I don't drink or do drugs recreationally) when I end my life; to me, it's worth it.

 

[strity1994]

R u ok dude?

 

[SickOfBeingHere]

No I'm not. I posted that I want to die and I mean it. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to die, even if it means a very painful method (that doesn't involve slitting wrists or jumping off a high building or cliff).

 

[herbavore]

It sounds to me like you should first try living apart from your mother and doing some practical work with a therapist on impulse control before you give up. From your post it seems that your mother has a problem and uses your brain cyst as a way to undermine your sense of self. Maybe the brain cyst is not the worst problem you have to deal with. If you were able to graduate with 96% then your brain is functioning very well and there is no need for any employer to know what is in your medical records. It sounds to me like you are dealing with so much anger (at the bullying, cruelty of your mother, etc) that you lash out at people. That is totally fixable but it would take faith and effort. Learning how to channel rage and and be assertive on behalf of yourself without it can be tough but it is doable.

26 is young. Even age itself makes a lot of things easier. Before you give up on your life entirely what about trying to move away from your mother so that her verbal abuse is not fanning that fire?

 

[SickOfBeingHere]

I tried living apart from her but that's when I fucked up. I did something that got me in trouble (not legal trouble) so I'm back living with her. I now have to be with her and let her say all the nasty things she wants to say to me; I have to take them all - I stood up for myself yesterday and she slapped me. So I have to take her shit and agree with whatever she says. Yes, she helped me move away and is helping me move back with her. And it is my fault that I am moving back; I was in an apartment building and vandalized out of impulse by throwing up and leaving litter around (which I don't usually do, I usually put litter in the garbage bin. Anyway, I fucked up and tonight's the night. I'm not using the method I was going to do but I'm doing something else and I hope it works. I can't take any more of this.

 

[Man in the Dark]

Sick, you should definitely take the advice of Herbavore who is a saint on this board . Is it an arachnoid Cyst that you have? I can understand the brain injury side to a certain extent as I had 2 TBI's in the military. I have damage to the left side of my brain and a cyst from the trauma. I have problems with anger and rage. I do inappropriate shit all the time. You have to fight the urge to Kill yourself believe me it is not the answer TRUST me. I am in my 40's and had the first injury in my 20's which was the most severe and I have managed to make it.

You can too, I am sorry to hear about your family situation. I didn't have much support and still don't. We are just misunderstood my friend. You are a smart kid there is a lot of life to live outside of your family situation. I have been in your shoes where my injuries and PTSD just got too much and believe me I came close to eating a bullet more than I can count.

Please stay strong, there are ways to do it. I have been doing it since I was 23 and am now 44. I understand our situations are different but brother it's not worth it.

If you want to talk PM me anytime. But at least think about what I said tonight, I want to help you as I know it's not easy especially being diffrent from everyone else. I know your condition is more severe but I can see we have some similar issues.

Stay strong. Pm me if you like

 

[llama112]

I'm so sorry. Your mother is so abusive, you need to be somewhere else, away from her. It's obviously doing a LOT to your self esteem.
Making a few mistakes in the past, that's something we all do, and you shouldn't have to deal with hearing about that 24/7 from her, or being kicked out of an apartment because of it.
You CAN handle this. There should be some sort of support group or someone who can help you in your area. Someone who you can go to that can get you on the right path and help you get started at least!

 

[Memnoth]

Dude, I have Asperger Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Atypical Depression, Insomnia, Social Phobia, Drug Addiction and raging Alcoholism at age 25, my life is on the border between being home and hospitalized. Converting to buddhism has helped to just say FUCK LIFE, like a lover. I pick up girls at the hospital, do drugs with them and when they leave, I go back to the hospital to find someone else crazy enough to be affectionate with me. Don't be sad about the nature of your existence, conditions have provided you with a primal behavior that gets deprogrammed by modern society, just do like I did and reverse it. Be the alpha-male hunter that have the endurance to scavenge the world, intellect to collect information about every plant and berry that is edible and perplexing seduction skills that make women chase you instead of you chasing them. Because that's what they really want, staying on purpose instead of chasing women creates attraction. Beta-males lack the evolutionary survival skills that make them useful which makes them chase women therefore turning them off. Hope this helped.

 

[matt1162]

I hope you are still here and in relative safety. If you still feel like you are going to harm yourself, please try seeking a crisis center. I'll be honest, a crisis center isn't going to instantly help you but they can probably get you stabilized and can get you working towards a path of solving your dilemma. While I don't know you, I recognize some of what you are describing. I have an IQ of 150, I have a B.S. in Physical Sciences (geology specialty) but I'm not good at social skills. I have been underemployed my adult life (I'm in my early 40's). I've not been successful at dating and have never been married or had children even though I've never been physically unattractive. Things can change in a hurry. I just landed a decent job in a science field. So hang in there, you never know when your luck will change.

 

[Memnoth]

I hope you are still here and in relative safety. If you still feel like you are going to harm yourself, please try seeking a crisis center. I'll be honest, a crisis center isn't going to instantly help you but they can probably get you stabilized and can get you working towards a path of solving your dilemma. While I don't know you, I recognize some of what you are describing. I have an IQ of 150, I have a B.S. in Physical Sciences (geology specialty) but I'm not good at social skills. I have been underemployed my adult life (I'm in my early 40's). I've not been successful at dating and have never been married or had children even though I've never been physically unattractive. Things can change in a hurry. I just landed a decent job in a science field. So hang in there, you never know when your luck will change.

Science is the evil Darwinian left-over tendency humans have that serves no other function than gathering things, in this case where food, shelter and protection are in such an abundance that they gather useless information that only adds to the suffering of the scientists that chose to pursue this meaningless endeavor. We are no longer animals, we are God's. We need to delight in creation not gather garbage that the evolution of the universe left behind us. Practice renunciation in the field of intellectual greed and be something more than just a computer in a society with beings that need to connect in order to feel alive. How about a scientific research field on how to bring people together in the modern society? Happiness is wealth greater than possessions.

 

[VastEmpty]

I tried living apart from her but that's when I fucked up. I did something that got me in trouble (not legal trouble) so I'm back living with her. I now have to be with her and let her say all the nasty things she wants to say to me; I have to take them all - I stood up for myself yesterday and she slapped me. So I have to take her shit and agree with whatever she says. Yes, she helped me move away and is helping me move back with her. And it is my fault that I am moving back; I was in an apartment building and vandalized out of impulse by throwing up and leaving litter around (which I don't usually do, I usually put litter in the garbage bin. Anyway, I fucked up and tonight's the night. I'm not using the method I was going to do but I'm doing something else and I hope it works. I can't take any more of this.

SickofBeing -

I am so fucking sorry that your mom is the way she is. If she was in front of me, I would slap her silly, or shake some common sense into her, I don't know what I would do but it would be something! It makes me so angry that anyone believes it's ok to treat anyone like that, much less their own child.

Please know that there is love out in the world, you just need to leave your mother behind and never look back. You will never find love in her home.

I know your last post clearly indicates that you plan to end your life - but if you are still here, please come back and let us know how you are. Let us try and show you the love and support that your mother so cruelly withheld from you. Please.

- VE

 

[SickOfBeingHere]

I'm still here but don't plan on being here past December 20th (my birthday). I can't take it anymore, I try to channel my stupid actions that have gotten me into trouble into other, better things (such as reading, which is something I love to do) but it doesn't seem to last for long. I guess one good thing came out of getting kicked out of the building: I won't do anything stupid anymore, I have officially realized just how consequential inappropriate actions can be. I realized it before but now I feel I truly do realize it. But just because of this doesn't mean I'm not wanting to die; I still do and plan on doing so as soon as I can. We all die eventually so I really don't see what the big deal is. I'm sorry to sound mean by saying that but that is how I feel; I envy those who are close to death or on death row - at least they know they will be dying soon.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Ugh. I hate your mother. No reason to bring children into the world if you're going to mistreat them. You deserve all the love and affection in the world. I would wrap my arms around you if I could and just hold you and make you feel ok.

I don't have a brain injury, but so many fucking mental illnesses, I might as well have one. I completely understand not wanting to be here anymore. I hope you can find another perspective or another way out of your situation. I don't want you to go. I really don't, but there's only so much a person can take. I get it. Sending you my love. ????

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Dude, I have Asperger Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Atypical Depression, Insomnia, Social Phobia, Drug Addiction and raging Alcoholism at age 25, my life is on the border between being home and hospitalized. Converting to buddhism has helped to just say FUCK LIFE, like a lover. I pick up girls at the hospital, do drugs with them and when they leave, I go back to the hospital to find someone else crazy enough to be affectionate with me. Don't be sad about the nature of your existence, conditions have provided you with a primal behavior that gets deprogrammed by modern society, just do like I did and reverse it. Be the alpha-male hunter that have the endurance to scavenge the world, intellect to collect information about every plant and berry that is edible and perplexing seduction skills that make women chase you instead of you chasing them. Because that's what they really want, staying on purpose instead of chasing women creates attraction. Beta-males lack the evolutionary survival skills that make them useful which makes them chase women therefore turning them off. Hope this helped.

That "Fuck it." attitude sounds nice.

 

[SickOfBeingHere]

My mom has done a lot to help me - I have had legal issues and a criminal record (because of shoplifting from 2012 and again in 2013 - I don't shoplift anymore, obviously); I guess because of all of the fuck ups I have made (getting in trouble so often) she has every right to say whatever she wants to me, since she does things for me yet I fuck up, even though I don't want to. I'm trying hard not to, and don't plan on it. But the only way I know it can definitely be over is if I die - that's the only way she will have peace, as will I since I won't be bothered by the thoughts I have of things I have done wrong, worrying about when she will drink again, worrying about when something else will be said to me, worrying about running into someone I don't like because they bullied me; these will be things I won't have to worry about anymore if I die. I don't have anything else to look forward to anyway. Getting a job is impossible because people talk and know of the things I have done (which I am definitely not proud of) and if they find out I have a disability, then they definitely won't hire me.

I was recently fired from a volunteer position I had with this association called The Neuropsychiatric Patients' Association of Newfoundland and Labrador because I couldn't do the minutes - I don't filter information quickly and when there is a lot of information being said, such as in a meeting, I would use a recorder. This organization wouldn't let me use a recorder but had me do the minutes anyway. They wanted me to compile the minutes I had, along with minutes from the other members, into a master copy. I did this and mom says I did fine (she used to work in a job that involved attending meetings; even though she didn't take the minutes she saw them when they were circulated) and I know I did ok because I studied how to do this in my Administrative Specialist program in college. Anyway, I was told I was "dismissed and no longer needed" since everyone did their own minutes and I was finding it frustrating - I was never rude to the members nor did I do anything inappropriate when I volunteered; the only thing I did was state that I would use a recorder and point out that usually the person who takes the minutes would use it, especially in a long meeting (the meetings I attended would be two to three hours long). I was told that recorders were not allowed because of confidentiality reasons, yet the person who ran these meetings said things such as "we could get more money for the organization if we approached the government with someone in a wheelchair; it would be obvious the person is disabled and a patient." The person who ran these meetings was rude, and they made the rules; therefore they were the one who decided I was not allowed to record the meetings.

 

[SickOfBeingHere]

I went to buy the appliance I would need to end my life (it wasn't a gun). It was very heavy but I managed to lift it. The salesman saw that I was having difficulty trying to get the machine to start - I wanted to see if it would work before I buy it; this is something you are allowed to do - but I couldn't get the appliance to start. The salesman then said I was not strong enough to operate the appliance, so I left.

I guess I will be going with my original (and unlikely it will work) plan to die, which is cheap and doesn't involve any appliances.

 

[sandralarsen]

Are you single? If yes, you need a partner. I found many cases where aimless, depressed and schizophrenia patients begin their life with partner full of confidence and motivation.

 

[Cdkman]

^i think he would have a partner if he could the problem is his challenges with socializing and the right brain injury.. u will not find many people that are goin to settle down with someone like that even if they can function pretty normally..people are assholes even with out a disability and at your age and with no disability I wanted to die just as bad..I'm a firm believer in do what u want so your call

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

A partner certainly can turn things around. Maybe it bought me more time here, having something to look forward to. Relationships are draining in their own way though and they can have a way of bringing on a new set of problems so it's not a perfect solution. The thing I couldn't stand most about a relationship is how it made me realize how much I don't fit into society. Being around my ex boyfriend's family and friends were a constant reminder of how I don't fit in. I don't have the job or car or house, kids, husband, etc. Don't want it either. I don't know what my point is, companionship could be nice though if you can find it.

Even people without disabilities can have problems in the love department. It doesn't discriminate.