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Trying to fill the void

Like I said above, what other choice do you have?
 
I haven't had a drink in 7 months and I've been off opiates for 13 days now. I guess the terms clean and sober can be meant in the same way, I've always thought clean was a way for alcoholics to recognize their drug abuse and the sober for the alcohol.

Guess it's just how my broken mind works...
 
deidara said:
your right and I know the steps work if you put everything into it and be honest, i just don't see the point if there's nobody i can trust
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How can you not? By stopping at your 4th step and not taking on the 5th and 6th immediately after you were broadcasting to your sponsor that you weren't willing to 'work the steps'. Many people would shy away from reaching out to a fellow in the program if they saw that they weren't there to work.

Let's face it, we're all pretty self centered by nature as addicts/alcoholics (at least I certainly am). I've never been a sponsor, but when I landed in AA back in 2006 I got a sponsor, worked the steps and completed them. It took me months to do, but you've got to do the work.

When I stopped doing the work and failed to go to regular meetings, I fell down and tried to get back several times, but because I wasn't serious about it my fellow alcoholics saw this and weren't 'there for me' to pick me up each time. They weren't supposed to be, they did the right thing and let me fall. I wasn't ready at the time to committ (even if I thought I was).

Being honest with oneself was the hardest thing for me to do. But I share these things with others in the hopes that they to can take that first step, but for me I can't stay clean and sober unless I take the next step and remind myself all I have is today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is in the hands of God, but today, I can follow an example of people that put in the work and are active in these fellowships.
 
aliencowstorm said:
When I stopped doing the work and failed to go to regular meetings, I fell down and tried to get back several times, but because I wasn't serious about it my fellow alcoholics saw this and weren't 'there for me' to pick me up each time. They weren't supposed to be, they did the right thing and let me fall. I wasn't ready at the time to committ (even if I thought I was).
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Thank you for this. You gave me a new perspective of looking at the situation. I expected my friends to answer my calls and still care about me. This past year, I've been in and out, in and out of NA. I'll put together a month clean and then use again and be gone for three months. Then try again and fail again. It's not my friends fault I haven't been able to get clean yet and I guess they just gave up on me (which I'm not their problem in the first place) I need to start taking care of myself and stop being so selfish. Maybe I'm just not ready to commit yet.
 
I filled my time up with art and music, two of my biggest passions that bring me actual real happiness. You need to find whatever those things are for you.
 
PAWS is one of the worst things I've gone through. I got clean back in November, and it took almost three months to start feeling normal and somewhat happy again. I felt good for a couple of weeks and then it came back with the worst depression I've ever felt. I felt empty. Listless, joyless, I had no interest in life whatsoever. That lasted on and off for the better part of a month. By February I had many more good days than bad. I felt good enough that I thought, I can use again because my head feels straight, and I can control it this time. Thankfully it only took me a few months to realize I was wrong, versus the years it took in the past. I'm several months clean again, and the PAWS isn't as severe this time. I'm enjoying things I haven't in years, because when I was high all the time I wasn't happy with life experiences like I thought, I was happy because the drug told me I was. It will get better. It feels like it won't, but it really will.
 
When you want to achieve a huge change but you grapple with commitment, fear of failure is usually the stumbling block. Fear of failure is probably the one thing that trips us up as human beings more than anything.8)

The way I look at it is this: If I am stuck because I am afraid that I won't be able to unstick myself, I remain stuck without possibility of any other outcome. If I try, and fail, I am unstuck simply by the act of trying. Then there is that other pesky problem, though. When I fail, I look bad in my own eyes and I see myself looking bad in others' estimation of me. That is a source of great fear and makes us crave the familiarity of staying stuck. This is obviously crazy logic but we enact this every single day in so many areas of our lives, from addictions to relationships to life goals.

Be bold. You have everything you need inside you to change. Failure is a terrible word, but trying is a wonderful word. Say, "I'm trying" instead of "I am failing" and lots of new doorways open.<3
 
herbavore said:
When you want to achieve a huge change but you grapple with commitment, fear of failure is usually the stumbling block. Fear of failure is probably the one thing that trips us up as human beings more than anything.8)

The way I look at it is this: If I am stuck because I am afraid that I won't be able to unstick myself, I remain stuck without possibility of any other outcome. If I try, and fail, I am unstuck simply by the act of trying. Then there is that other pesky problem, though. When I fail, I look bad in my own eyes and I see myself looking bad in others' estimation of me. That is a source of great fear and makes us crave the familiarity of staying stuck. This is obviously crazy logic but we enact this every single day in so many areas of our lives, from addictions to relationships to life goals.

Be bold. You have everything you need inside you to change. Failure is a terrible word, but trying is a wonderful word. Say, "I'm trying" instead of "I am failing" and lots of new doorways open.<3
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I love everything about all of this. One of the truest things I've read in awhile. Keeping this is mind is the hard part, but you're exactly right.
 
I deal with paws from opiates by smoking weed and drinking a little.

I'm happier than when I was on the dope though. One step at a time.

Trying to switch to dip to stop smoking cigs. I take little tiny pinches of it at a time, its not that bad. Doing a can a day is crazy imo, I can make a can last a month.


Oh, and I stay outside as much as possible. Get sunlight on me, it helps tons with depression! :) Works like a charm for me right now. :D
 
Jdub8 said:
I feel the same way. I finished inpatient treatment beginning of april. I still feel like a loner and feel like my life will never get better. Im still drowned in debt and have to deal with it everyday.
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I feel you on the debt!!! Was finally getting mine fixed from cocaine addiction n then heroine sent me back!!! Ugh!
 
PoppyTart said:
PAWS is one of the worst things I've gone through. I got clean back in November, and it took almost three months to start feeling normal and somewhat happy again. I felt good for a couple of weeks and then it came back with the worst depression I've ever felt. I felt empty. Listless, joyless, I had no interest in life whatsoever. That lasted on and off for the better part of a month. By February I had many more good days than bad. I felt good enough that I thought, I can use again because my head feels straight, and I can control it this time. Thankfully it only took me a few months to realize I was wrong, versus the years it took in the past. I'm several months clean again, and the PAWS isn't as severe this time. I'm enjoying things I haven't in years, because when I was high all the time I wasn't happy with life experiences like I thought, I was happy because the drug told me I was. It will get better. It feels like it won't, but it really will.
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Hey poppy, I've thought about this a lot and I think its been going through my head since coming off opiates. This is very true for me right now, I'm not that far along but things seem to be getting darker the farther I stay away and clean from dope. But I want to feel these negative emotions, not forever, but I know that in my heart all this junk has been repressed by opiates.

I need to stop justifying alcohol, I think my next step is staying away from that shit. Its too cheap, too strong and still too much of a comforting poison to me. And I liked herbavore's response too. :)
 
I found Modafanil and an antidepressant to be helpful for PAWS. However, I have to say that the PAWS from quitting methadone almost killed me. I almost killed myself several times. I still can't tell you how I made it through that hell.
 
I experienced the same, however i have resigned myself to Subutex 16mg, maintainance or i would use.....are you totally clean??
 
Hellofadrag said:
I experienced the same, however i have resigned myself to Subutex 16mg, maintainance or i would use.....are you totally clean??
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Is this question to me? My situation is a little weird. I was totally clean for long time and I still consider myself clean. However, I am now a legimate chronic pain patient through no fault of my own. Hopefully later this year the surgery I will be getting will fix my pain issue and I won't need to take anything for pain after that. Until then though on my worst days I do have to take opiates in order to function. However, I only take them on my really bad days. I don't take them daily the way my doctor wants me to. So I suffer most days. I don't abuse them and I take them in the lowest possible prescribed dose. I avoid dependance this way also. So I consider myself clean. Maybe other people wouldn't but I'm only taking a needed medication that is prescribed by a doctor for a medical condition which I don't abuse in any way and I definitely don't get high off of it. I don't use any drugs anymore, not even marijuana.

Do you have any questions about my particular experience with PAWS? I would be happy to answer them for you if I can. I have never used suboxone myself but I was on methadone for years and I think that the PAWS can be comparable.
 
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