Thanks for your empathy. Sorry to spill my depression all over you guys like this. I wish things didn't have to be this way.
If you get desperate or frustrated with it all, tapering the fent will be really really important. Have you tried seeing what that is like?
It's been many years since I gave it a lot of effort, because it never seemed to work. No matter what strategy I tried, each day ended with me having taken more or less exactly same amount as if I didn't try at all!
The only times it seemed to change things, was if I had run out one day, and then couldn't be bothered to get some more - then I would end up having taken less that day.
But all the conscious efforts I tried - it seems like thousands of times - it never changed a thing.
Any change seemed to be more related to just my overall psychological strength. Some periods, I just took less, and other periods I took more. But I didn't feel I had any active control over it.
I am very much a slave to my habits. Whenever I have started a new habit, it seems I am powerless to do anything about it. I don't know why. I have always had bad habits, like eating too much chocolate, etc. But I used to have at least SOME control over things. The only thing I can guess, is that my "frontal cortex" (or whatever part of the brain controls decision making) is so dulled down from the fentanyl, that it makes it difficult to control the impulses from other parts of the brain?
I do have some recollection that it was easier to control myself, when my daily dosage was maybe in the 10-20 mg. But that's many years ago. And it would only last a couple of days, and then I would take too much one day, and my mind would get all blurry again, and then I'd lose my sense of focus and determination, and I would just let things go. I would feel bad about it, and like a complete failure, but I just couldn't seem to focus the energies which needed to be focused to change my habits - and that's why it would just go on and on, for months. Until some random event would change things for me - like I would run out one day, or something would happen which would make me happy, and snap me out of my hum-drum daily repetition of doing and thinking nothing new.
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The few times I managed not follow the daily habit, was if I was out somewhere. To a family dinner, or something. Then I wouldn't take fentanyl, and I wouldn't even think of it, until I got back to my home.
Then, settling in, I think, "aw, I really SHOULD try to not take anything - just for this one day," but inevitably I would fail, and I would take it. That's how my habit controls me, and I have no control over it or myself.
When I am in that situation, it's like the thought of going to sleep without having taken fentanyl, makes me feel very uneasy and "raw". Probably because it's what I have done every day for 10 years, so it feels strange not doing it.
My habit is the same everyday. I used to take fentanyl from the moment I woke up, but for the last 6 years, I don't feel I need to take anything until 6 o'clock in the evening, or rather, after I have eaten. It's a psychological thing. After dinner, it begins to feel like the day is closing down, and I need something to comfort me, as I recline to watch television for the evening.
I start with a dilute solution, and it gets more and more concentrated as the evening progresses.
Once I have started, I can't stop.
A few times, once in a while, I will not take something straight after dinner, and I won't notice a desire to. If I am having a very nice day, or something different has happened that day, But then, the moment I DO begin, which I inevitably do, I quickly make up for those hours I didn't take any, and end up having taken the same.
Only a very few times, when I only began very late - maybe an hour before bedtime - did I manage to take only maybe half of my usual daily intake.
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However, I WILL try again. For some of this to work, it seems to be important - for me, at least - to avoid becoming "stuck" or feeling that I am doing the same thing every day, because that's when my mind stops working, and the force of the habits take charge of my thoughts. However, I also have to have SOME relaxation or "doing nothing", because otherwise I get stressed pretty quickly, and that ALSO has a negative influence on me, and also gives me "tunnel-vision", so I can't see a bigger picture, but only little details I happen to focus on at that moment.
I need a kind of daily rhythm, so that I can allow myself to sometimes be active and think, and then give myself permission to relax and not think of everything. And sometimes do things quickly, sometimes slowly. Something like that.
But it's difficult to maintain, because of all my habits which tend to take over from my good intentions. It seems I can't lose track for more than a day or so, or I will completely lose the road I was on.
And difficult when I am stressed and have to deal with the outside world, because my brain-power is so sparse, that I can't both take care of myself and take care of the externals at the same time.
As I said, it's been years since I really tried. I haven't felt a "direction", and I couldn't see the "end point" for so long, that I couldn't get myself to muster the effort to try again.
But it IS all "just" psychological. And maybe I can find the right mix of thoughts and actions and focusing to make this boat turn, and be able to try again.