Yeah bro. The main reason why I quit smoking, besides health (which is kind of funny now) is the price. During 2008, in my first year at Uni, a pack of 20 Marlboro cost only 2.77 USD here, but then all those anti-tobacco and taxes laws came in my country and the prices went up like foam and I, being a poor student, couldn't handle that. But, man, you don't know how I miss a Red Marlboro in the morning watching the raining with black coffee in my hand. The only cigarette I really miss is Marlboro Red. I miss that and Marlboro Red it's not the popular brand here, people love all the fancy cigarettes flavored menthol shit. Not what I do not miss is the smell, dissgusting breath, smell on the hands, clothes, etc.
Wow sorry to hear about your city change and that you can't get drugs, maybe it's a good thing and fate has something big for you. Also, you with your sympathy and charming, I don't think it takes long to make friends to get what it takes.
Yeah the anhedonia and lack of motivation it's something I've always suffered from (sober at least), some SSRI-SNRIs seemed to work better than others for such purposes (Escitalopram and Venlafaxine), but it's something I should live it forever apparently. My father's family has always had many mental related problems (depression, social isolation, alcoholism, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc.), so it seems to be genetic. I have always used humor to get ahead, you know the phrase "there is always someone worse than you", well that is almost my philosophy of life.
I think the only time my lack of motivation and anhedonia disappeared a lot was when I started to take care of my diet and to work-out with weights or my own bodyweight every day. I could workout for 1 hours (3-5 days a week and 2 day for cardio), I had a great physique (about 5-8% body fat) with sixpack and all that shit, but my injury came and the tramadol was much more effective in meeting all those needs.
PS. Sorry for my english. I'm very tired after sleeping just 4 hours last night hahaha.
Lol, might be a good thing for you as well that you aren't smoking anymore.
I've had something going on in my lungs for the past 2 months. Been waking up coughing and can't take a deep breath. My ex/partner/roommate has the same problem, so it's not just me. I dont' feel sick or anything like a cold or whatever, but I suppose if it doesn't get better soon, I am gonna have to find a doctor and make an appt.
Your English is perfect, no worries.
This past year was hell. It started with me buying a new car after not having one for years and years. Put down 6,000 on it. Within a week, some brat kid ran into it with his bike and scratched the hell out of the passenger side door. Then shortly after my heroin dealer (good guy, use to hook me up with free shit all the time) went to prison for murder. My debit card was hacked and somebody stole money from me. Then my mom found out she had leukemia. And since I was still living at home (im the last of 7 kids) and the rest of my siblings were hours away, it became my responsibility to take my mom to all of her appointments and chemo. Which consisted of having to drive to a city an hour and a half away every other week, while going to the hospital in my town every day so she could get shots. Now keep in mind I too suffer from severe anxiety and panic, so having all this responsibility on me was overwhelming, but I couldn't just say no and not take my mom to her treatment. The same month she was diagnosed (October of 2019), I had asshole Cuban neighbors move in above our apartment. They would stomp, scream, fight and get drunk all day, every day. They would pound non-stop and started keeping me up for days at a time. I actually picked up a meth habit in order to deal with taking care of my mom and not being able to get any sleep. I went up there ans asked them to stop several times. They wouldn't. So we actually called the police and the landlord, which neither one gave a shit. The police said they couldn't do anything (even tho they had harassed me before for playing music at my old house during the day, but a bunch of drunk Cubans screaming and stomping around and throwing things at all hours of the night, they can do nothing about) and the landlord would always lie and say he'd talk to them but nothing ever got done.
Then my car started breaking down left & right, so I had to spend a lot of money getting it fixed in order to keep up with taking my mom to her appointments. The pandemic had just started as well. Then my oldest sister died this past summer from a life time of alcohol drinking. Her liver just finally shut down. So I had to make an 8 hour trip to go to her funeral. And of course I got a flat tire on the way there. Of fucking course! And now we were going on month 9 or 10 of my neighbors getting away with taking away my right to sleep in my own apartment. I dealt with those assholes for an entire year, all while trying to take care of my mom. Us people with mental health issues need our sleep and our peace and quiet. lol So I had started pounding BACK at them on the ceiling. And I guess they were complaining about it and the landlord actually believed them and took their side, like me and my mom were just crazy and making it up that they were keeping us up for days at a time and pounding at them for no reason. I'm pretty sure our landlord had something against me because of my sexuality and my criminal record in that town, because he was friends with the police and the pigs had been harassing me for years and years.
And then in October of this year, me and my mom got an eviction letter in the mail from our asshole landlord because I wouldn't stop pounding on the ceiling. Go figure. lol So my mom moved in with another one of my sisters 9 hours away and I moved 2 hours away from where we were living to live with my ex. Me and my mom had lived in that town for 12 years and it's where I made all my drug connections and friends. Before I moved, a bunch of kids in the parking lot at the apartments made sure to break the license plate off the front of my car too. And this bad luck seems to have followed me.
And now here I am. Trying each day to find reasons to keep on going.
I was on venlafaxine in my 20's and it seemed to help for a bit. It actually made me a bit manic, full of energy and I'd go out and meet new people and just go wild. So I decided to try it again about 2 years ago with my Suboxone doctor, but this time around all venlafaxine did was make me feel sick to my stomach and very strange.
I'm on like 12 different medications. Only 2 of them are really recreational or effective. I'm trying to talk my sub doc into putting me on a stimulant. Maybe a stimulant would give me my motivation back and pleasure back in my life.
I use to love to exercise in my 20's, but after getting on Subs, I totally stopped and can't find the motivation to do that again either.
It's funny you mention me being charming lol My heroin dealer (who I had very little in common with) always use to tell me I was charismatic and charming. He was a black gang banger and I could never understand why he was always doing me favors and hooking me up with free heroin for years. lol I guess maybe he just felt drawn to me or something.
I live in an even smaller town now though, so I have no idea who I could meet and go charm for drugs, especially heroin. lol I'm sure there are people around here with heroin or know where to get it but my ex (who I live with) might not like me meeting and hanging with possibly shady people like that either.
So... I dunno anymore. I'm just hoping for a miracle or some good luck finally. lol
With all this talk about rushed coronavirus vaccines being mandated (which I will not take) and a possible cyberattack or power grid going down, I'm starting to wonder if there's reason to do anything at all, even get out of bed in the morning.
Anyway, sorry for my rambling.
I just woke up over here. lol Can't stop coughing, but gonna go smoke a cigarette anyway. lol
PS : I have never been able to get opiate effects from kratom. But some people swear by it. I would say it's not worth trying, but you may be one of those people who feels something from it. I wish I was able to feel effects from it since it's so easily accessible now a days. O-desmethyltramadol is sold as a research chemical online I believe and I think I read awhile back ago about a company wanting to patent ODSMT and make it into a new painkiller. I think I would enjoy ODSMT more than tramadol.