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Time To Cut Ties?

Papaverium

Papaverium

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 16, 2014
Messages
2,659
So my boyfriend and I have been trying to stay clean off opiates with multiple relapses within that timeframe.
I'm 16 days clean today, and I'm starting to realize that he's just depressing. I've tried giving him words of encouragement, but his attitude towards quitting is just not right.
We just had a conversation that basically almost turned into an argument, over being broke but somehow magically having enough money to buy coffee, or cigarettes, but not having enough money to ride the bus to work.
Something about him saying that to me threw me off and I don't know what to do.. I miss being around him when we were sober, he was a happy person. But now it seems like he's just dragging himself down even more, emotionally.

I really don't wannna break up with him, but he doesn't seem to want to get help, and I can't be around him if he's depressed and relapsing every week...
I'm trying to help him, but there's just this tension I feel, and we never see eachother often anymore. It's just weird...

Man I've never had to break up with anyone before... this is a confusing situation. But it might be for my own good. I can't have negative energy dragging me down....

I dunno, I guess I just wanted some opinions, if anyone took the time to read this whole thing cause i know it's quite the TL;DR..

~Verri
 
Papaverium said:
So my boyfriend and I have been trying to stay clean off opiates with multiple relapses within that timeframe.
I'm 16 days clean today, and I'm starting to realize that he's just depressing. I've tried giving him words of encouragement, but his attitude towards quitting is just not right.
We just had a conversation that basically almost turned into an argument, over being broke but somehow magically having enough money to buy coffee, or cigarettes, but not having enough money to ride the bus to work.
Something about him saying that to me threw me off and I don't know what to do.. I miss being around him when we were sober, he was a happy person. But now it seems like he's just dragging himself down even more, emotionally.

I really don't wannna break up with him, but he doesn't seem to want to get help, and I can't be around him if he's depressed and relapsing every week...
I'm trying to help him, but there's just this tension I feel, and we never see each other often anymore. It's just weird...

Man I've never had to break up with anyone before... this is a confusing situation. But it might be for my own good. I can't have negative energy dragging me down....

I dunno, I guess I just wanted some opinions, if anyone took the time to read this whole thing cause i know it's quite the TL;DR..

~Verri
Click to expand...
First of all, congrats on 16 days clean! Anyone who has struggled with addiction can tell you how meaningful two weeks plus is. (Particularly with something as nasty as opoids.) So no matter how jacked up anything else going on in your life might be, you can definitely hang your hat on your success in recovery. IMO you are 100% correct in not wanting to be weighed down with negativity while already struggling with something this profound.

It sounds like the writing is on the wall for your relationship and my only advice would be to be as honest as you can about what you're feeling and what your concerns are. Avoid ultimatums but also make it clear what your needs are specifically. Let him know that you are serious this time and will be moving forward and getting well with or without him. Let that be his choice. Try not to attach yourself to the outcome. If he is not ready to kick and you are, then there is no path ahead for the two of you without someone making a pretty serious compromise. The person seeking to improve them self should not be the one making that compromise, in my humble opinion.

Besides who knows? Maybe the prospect of losing you will be motivation enough to get him to do some serious soul searching and decide it's time to join you in pursuing self improvement and better health. If you don't communicate to him what it is that you aren't happy about, he won't know and can't try to accommodate that. If you are forthright about those needs and he still decides not to embrace this new and different lifestyle with some modicum of positivity? Well, at least you tried.

Good luck to you. I hope you can find some peace, regardless of the outcome.
 
Try to move on :) At least for a couple months try to stay with other people. He'll probably seem hella sad by then if losing you doesn't clean him up.
 
MoreAlkaloidsPLZ said:
First of all, congrats on 16 days clean! Anyone who has struggled with addiction can tell you how meaningful two weeks plus is. (Particularly with something as nasty as opoids.) So no matter how jacked up anything else going on in your life might be, you can definitely hang your hat on your success in recovery. IMO you are 100% correct in not wanting to be weighed down with negativity while already struggling with something this profound.

It sounds like the writing is on the wall for your relationship and my only advice would be to be as honest as you can about what you're feeling and what your concerns are. Avoid ultimatums but also make it clear what your needs are specifically. Let him know that you are serious this time and will be moving forward and getting well with or without him. Let that be his choice. Try not to attach yourself to the outcome. If he is not ready to kick and you are, then there is no path ahead for the two of you without someone making a pretty serious compromise. The person seeking to improve them self should not be the one making that compromise, in my humble opinion.

Besides who knows? Maybe the prospect of losing you will be motivation enough to get him to do some serious soul searching and decide it's time to join you in pursuing self improvement and better health. If you don't communicate to him what it is that you aren't happy about, he won't know and can't try to accommodate that. If you are forthright about those needs and he still decides not to embrace this new and different lifestyle with some modicum of positivity? Well, at least you tried.

Good luck to you. I hope you can find some peace, regardless of the outcome.
Click to expand...

Those are great words of advice, thank you.. :) I just don't want to hurt him, he's crazy for me and I love him too but the drugs have to stop.

~Verri
 
Congratulations for you 16 days, we all know how difficult that is.
I believe it's very difficult to be in a relationship when you are the one being sober. From what you tell us, he is also capable to do that, but maybe this is not one his moments.
If you love each other I believe we must accept the full package with good things he's done but also comes with each other faults.
Whatever decision you make, leave a space for reconciliation as you are going through a tough time and him, in his own ways is also not okay.
bottom line is that you both need to do what's best for each other now and leave unfinished business for later when both of you are sober.
I can relate to you as I am also sober for 39 days and I can only say this is not good for my wife as it's tough for me and we end up "discussion" with each other for no reason.
If you are sober do what needs to be done so you continue like that, but as I said, leave the door opened.
Wish you all the best :)
 
Sometimes you have to do this to people, especially if they don't want to get help, admit they have a problem, or are using drugs.

Good luck, and congratulations on being sober from opiates.
 
Yes congrats on being clean for so long. :D
But how is he? Is he getting off them? If he's currently making an effort then I wouldn't ditch him. But if he's not making any effort and doesn't seem willing to stop then it's not worth it to continue being with someone like that.
 
i had to get off heroin a while back so i know what youre going through. the withdrawal process takes a while and youre not going to be yourselves for a period of time. the length of course depends on how heavy your addiction was. i was bipolar with her when i went through it. one minute so happy shes helping me with my symptoms and being there for me the next im yelling at her telling her shes the worst person for what im going through and then literally 5 min later were fucking. if you guys are clashing because of what youre going through, spend time with some other people and when youre with each other youll be less inclined to conflict. as time goes by and you heal youll be able to go back to what you were like when you were high all day except there will be improvements because you wont be looking for your next fix.
 
The general rule is never make any big decisions within a month or more of getting clean. No starting or ending relationships, quitting or starting jobs, moving, etc. You are not yourself and your judgment will not be what you think it is for a while.

After the major withdrawals subside you are left distant, anxious, argumentative, depressed. Not in your prime for a relationship. If he is supporting you getting clean and actually working on it himself, give him a chance.

However you can't be risking your sobriety. If he is using and you aren't, you have some godly willpower to make it as far as you have. Maybe go stay someplace else until he can clean up? or get him to treatment?
 
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