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Til death DID us part: 'Support group' for the ones left behind when our S/O died.

K

Khadijah

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Dec 18, 2003
Messages
16,368
Been a long time since I posted here. Khadijah aka Lacey K, for those who would remember back in the day.

Anyways...Im just lookin for somewhere to talk to people who been thru the same thing as Im goin thru right now. My man...well, fiance--we just got engaged a few days before it happened--died a month ago. (god fucking damn it, the shit feels like yesterday, and also like its been light years without him.) It was about as tragic as it can fuckin get. Holding him in my arms trying to bring him back. calling 911. begging myself to wake up, becuz it must be a nightmare, and just not being able to. watching the ambulance leave--with the lights and sirens off, at a regular speed. On top of everything his family and friends are all blaming me for his death. at the funeral they had a list of people not allowed in, enforced by the cops, i was on it. they denied me the last chance i would ever have to see him again. forever, for the rest of my life. didnt even get to say goodbye one last time and see him at peace instead of with the fucking paddles on his chest as the paramedics tried to bring him back. Everyone we knew is saying terrible shit about me and all the people I wanted to turn to, for comfort, to grieve and mourn with, tell stories about the good old days with, share the memories with, are all pointing the finger at me. Im so fuckin alone without him, and even more alone than a person would normally be after losing their spouse, because of the circumstances. I lost him, but also i lost my family of would-have-been in-laws, i lost all of his friends, and i lost my future. and I really dont have nobody to talk to about this who understands. the pain is so deep and I just dont know where the fuck to go with it. So I came here.

I guess I was hoping that maybe some people here might have experienced something like that and we could have a little 'support group' here for each other. The well meaning words of family and others are kind but they cant even come close to cutting thru the fog of suffering. they all sound the same, they do nothing to help or comfort, for the most part. I need to talk to somebody who understands, who really gets it. somebody who understands that hole in my chest, right under the center of the rib cage. who has had the other half of their soul ripped from their body and feels the rawness of that wound never getting any closer to healing. somebody who has seen their future robbed from them before their eyes too. and someone who understands the sick fucking joke at the core of the entire goddamn problem--that the one person you need the most to get thru this pain, the one person who COULD fix it, who COULD make it all better, who could give you hope and faith to hold on....that one and only person who could get you thru anything as long as you were together--the one person who could do that, is them. and theyre gone. for-fucking-ever. someone who understands that no matter how many times you realize that, it never stops hurting any less. I wake up in the middle of the night seeing his face as I slapped it as hard as i could over and over and screamed his name trying to wake him up, his eyes still closed, not responding. the flashbacks of that morning never end. Im tormented by the what ifs and if onlys. every day brings another realization of another thing we never got to do or have. Its destroying me and I just dont know how to stop it. I cant stop the sheer terror I feel at thinking of living the entire rest of my fuckin life without him by my side. If anyone out there understands it would mean a lot to hear from you. maybe we could help each other. Everyone says it gets easier with time and it gets better and just hold on and fake it til you make it and all those things but I just cant imagine EVER being able to accept that this is my life now.

So if you been unfortunate enough to be left behind when your true love left this earth, please post here. to share the story of how they died. to share how you felt and still feel after they died. to share memories and stories you had together. to share anything about it, really. whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you feel better. Tell your story, however you see fit. This is for me in one way--me, searching out for some kind of help, any kind of help, but its also to help you too-i hope, maybe. I know there has to be others like me who could also use a place to let it all out. am I looking for comfort and help? yes...but I also hope that maybe someone could connect with the words I say and it could help them, too. God only knows how the fuck I could help anybody in such a helpless state as I am in but who knows how the words we say can touch others. so please...if you are in pain too, if you are also suffering, if you been here too, or are here now, anything you can say, anything you want to say, would help. maybe just knowing there is somebody else out there listening who truly gets it and can relate, could do something to help...i hope to hear from you.
 
I am so, so sorry this happened to your fiancé, you, and all his friends and family. I sincerely cannot imagine the pain you must be in right now. I wish I could say that it will be all right but the truth is, I don't think you'll ever heal from this entirely. But maybe that isn't so bad - maybe it's good that he'll always be a part of you no matter what. Actually, that's a definitely.
I can however, promise you that time does help. It's only been a month so the wound is still incredibly fresh but as the years go by, things do get easier. I've never lost a love, but my very best friend died when I was 14 and it felt exactly as you described, as if a part of my soul had been ripped out. We had known each other forever and had started dating recently, but in my head he'll always be my best friend. I still feel guilty about his death today. We used to go skateboarding together, in this massive skatepark, almost every day after school. One day he called me up, asked if I wanted to go and I told him I couldn't cuz I wasn't feeling well. He had an accident there. Neither of us ever wore helmets and he cracked his skull. I feel like if I'd gone with him that day, I could have stopped it. He was in a coma for 9 months and I visited him at the hospital every single day, telling him about my day, reading to him when there wasn't anything to tell. He never woke up.
I was in pieces for months after that. It was pure torture just to wake up in the morning and remember he wasn't a part of my world anymore. But I learned that by honoring his memory I could come to accept what had happened. Visiting his grave very regularly, writing letters to him that I'd put on it. It's cliché but you really will experience the 5 stages of grief, the last of which is acceptance, and you will get to that eventually even though it's preceded by a long and painful road. It's not fair this had to happen to your fiancé, and it's not fair it had to happen to you. I have no theories or ideas whatsoever on what comes after death, but I know these people we unfairly lost are in a better place now.

Stay strong. He would have wanted you to be happy.
If there's anything I can do to help, please feel free to PM me.
<3
 
Hey Lacey :)

I joined after you stopped posting on BL but I was lurking in OD back in those days. I remember you were the baddest girl in there at the time, and your posts always made me laugh.

Honestly I thought you had died of an OD or ended up in prison, I'm glad to see you're alive and kickin!

I've never had any experience with the death of a S/O but I understand that it is probably the greatest loss one could experience besides the loss of a child. I know there are members here who have gone thru the same thing you are going thru and I hope they share their experience with you.

SLR is all about relationships and that is what we have here, a community of relationships. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you find some solace here.

Good to see your still alive! Gives me hope that some BL OG's made it out alive.

<3
 
Kadijah,

I only have a minute online so will keep this short, but much <3 to you and I wish there was some way I could ease the pain for you.. My beautiful boyfriend died on Aug 29th 2011 so I have also been through it (still going through it more accurately) and I would love to share my experiences and listen to yours, and others', and see if we can help one another..

There's a bereavement thread I started in TDS which I will dig out soon but that's more non-specific, so I am happy to see a thread especially for people like us - although very sad that there is a need for it, of course :\ :( I haven't met many my age who have been through this experience, we're pretty special in that regard.. so thank you <3 and I am so terribly sorry :(

I would love to be part of a support group. My PM box is always open, and I will write you a proper reply as soon as I can (literally about to run out the door, making myself late replying to this but I had to!) as well as sharing what happened to me.

In the meantime - take care of yourself - all you have to do is breathe. Eat what you can, drink plenty of water, if you can't stomach food then protein shakes were an absolute saviour for me.. Reach out as much as you can to people (online is just as good as IRL in my experience) but also respect your heart if it tells you to spend some time alone too. Just not too much time <3

Above all - breathe. That is all you have to do right now. Everything else will come, in time. I know it's hard but try not to think about the future - focus on the here and now. Get through this second, then you can deal with the next one, then the next, and when you are strong enough you can start to think further ahead - but baby steps. Be kind to yourself. Scream and shout if you wish. Cry, throw things, feel numb, even feel happy briefly - it's all normal. It's okay to feel fucking mad, a lot of my friends could handle the sadness but the anger and the madness is a little trickier for others to understand - but it's all part of it. It's also okay not to. Everyone does this differently and no one has the right to tell you how you should or should not grieve; those who know what they are talking about can give you good advice, though <3 there are several people on here who I would recommend talking to, I'll PM you.

Breathe. Talk, scream, cry, throw (soft!) things, curl up in bed and hide, do whatever you need to do. I promise things do get easier, and you willbe okay, but I know how gut-wrenchingly agonisingly awful this is and I won't patronise you. Just breathe.

PM me, or I will PM you as soon as I get home.

<3 <3 <3
 
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Sorry for dbl post, edit button not working for some reason - just popped back for 2 mins and found a few links for you Kadijah:

Grief and bereavement thread

Shrine thread for my boyfriend Dave (he was a mod here, Evad)

Few sites I found useful (some are better than others, some partner-specific, some not):

http://www.thelightbeyond.com/death_of_a_spouse_or_partner.html (specifically for people who have lost a partner, basic but still helpful)

http://www.connect.legacy.com/inspire/page/show?id=1984035:Page:2625 (coping with sudden death)

http://connect.legacy.com/inspire/page/show?id=1984035:Page:2164 (myths about grief - this will make you feel a lot less crazy/abnormal!)

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm (show this to your friends/family - most people have no idea how to help you or even talk to you, so this is brilliant - people will inadvertently upset you, or make you want to scream with their well-meaning platitudes or even careless cruel words, or their avoidance of the subject of your fiance's death, or their awkwardness - and it's really hard for us to explain what we need from others (both practically and emotionally) so I think this is hugely useful, and so did my friends)

http://kotapress.com/section_home/dictionary_A-B.htm (this is strictly speaking a doctionary of loss for people who have lost a child, but *so* many of the entries rang true - again, it makes you feel less alone/crazy/abnormal).

There are more but those are the ones I have bookmarked!

Sorry I don't have more time now, but I'll be back this evening. I really love this idea, Kadijah - a support group / thread for us to vent, rant, support and help one another is a brilliant idea. I found a few widow's organisations when Dave died but everyone was so much older than me, and I didn't find a forum I could identify with either, so I felt very alone.. it will be wonderful to be able to talk to someone else who has been through a similar thing.

I am just so very sorry that you have been brought here by your loss. I am thinking of you - I think you have done a very courageous thing in making this thread and opening up about such a painful thing, and I hope it brings you some comfort. I am always here to listen and try to help, PM me anytime, I mean that!

And remember - breathe <3 baby steps (or no steps if you're not ready, sometimes hiding in bed is the only thing to be done!) <3 I won't lie and say the pain goes away, or that this is going to be an easy road (of course not!) but you will learn to live with alongside it, and to be able to remember your fiance without it being too painful, and be thankful for what he taught you and gave to you.. and you can learn to be happy again too. I promise. Even if you don't believe me (or don't want to believe me) right now <3
 
A month is nothing, a mere blink of an eye. A year, 2, 3 will be the blink of an eye. Everything is so raw, that's the only word to use. I want to grip you by the shoulders, look you in the eye and tell you 'IT WILL GET BETTER' over and over until you believe me.

So not only have you lost him, but also you experienced the trauma of the moment and now you're being rejected by his (your) friends and family - that's a lot for anyone to cope with. But its early days, they're all blinded by grief too. Common sense will prevail and the truth will out, those worthy of your friendship will build bridges in time. Keep your dignity and your head held high.

You have the knowledge of him as aperson that those who loved him need and want, you hold a lot of answers and can be the source of a lot of healing for them too, they'll realise this in time. Till then you don't need to justify yourself to anyone, and it will be for you to decide if you can forgive them. If in doubt, say nothing. Channel your anger and frustration elsewhere.

And as for the funeral, that was nothing. That wasn't your last chance to say goodbye. Remember him as he was alive & happy, trust me in a coffin is no better than in the ambulance. The last time he smile, held and kissed you and said goodbye was your moment. You were the one he loved and was close to, the one he wanted to marry. No-one can take that away from you. Have your own goodbye ceremony when the time is right if you feel it will give you closure.

Stay strong. Have confidence in your love for eachother. Don't doubt yourself. You knew, and he knew, fuck everyone else <3
 
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Argh I just wrote loads but it got deleted somehow! I don't have time to write it all again but I'll do what I can:

I understand the pain. Your description resonated with me so much. Sometimes it can feel unbearable, but believe me, you can bear it and you will - I am living proof of that! When it gets really bad, there were a few things that helped me - screaming (into a pillow if you have neighbours :p ), throwing things (non-valuable, into a safe place like a corner) and practicing on living within the moment. That sounds a bit odd - you'd think you would want to escape the present - but actually, it really helped me. If you're not focussing on the moment you find you are worring about the future - how will you cope with feeling this pain any longer, what will happen, how can you get through the next day/week/month/year - it becomes absolutely terrifying; you're not only dealing with the pain you are feeling but also the fear of the hypotherical pain to come. If you can drop all of that and just focus on the moment then that is all you have to face, and a moment is no time at all. By concentrating on the pain I actually learnt to live with it rather than fighting it. Pain itself is exhausting; fighting pain is just too much. Let yourself feel it. Yes, it fucking hurts, I know it does :( but you need to feel it, and by feeling it you are learning to live with it and to heal. It's not a magic bullet :( I won't lie, you know how fucking horrible it is, but I really want you to believe that you can cope with it and that you will start to heal. The intensity does fade, and although I still have days when it blindsides me, and it is always with me, I can see how far I have come. I want you to have at least a glimmer of hope, even if you can't imagine it actually being real <3

You may also find that you feel like you don't want to heal or move on. That happened to me and to Dave's mum. That is entirely normal too! You may find that you want to move on as fast as you can, and that's normal. You may feel furious at anyone and everyone, including your fiance; you may feel numb, you may even have moments where you feel happy; or you may feel so desperately sad that you just know you will never feel happy again. All of that is normal. Never let anyone tell you that you are not grieving in the right way, or you "should" be doing this or that.. there may come a time when people need some gentle prodding if they become stuck, but as b&w said this is very early days yet. You do whatever you need to do, feel whatever you need to feel. All you need to do is keep breathing, drink some water, eat a little food. Then breathe again. That is it. Everything else will follow <3

I also understand the intense loneliness of losing your partner.. grief by it's very nature is lonely, but when you have lost the one person who would usually support you through this it can seem unbearable. I am so sorry you have also lost the support of your friends/family too :( How are you coping? Practically speaking, what's your set-up? Do you have anyone to take care of you at all? If not - then you have us. We can be here for you. And there is professional support, too, and online support.. when Dave died I didn't leave my flat for 6 months, refused to see anyone face to face, but I spent hours talking to people from this site online - that was my main support. That and takeaway pizzas got me through! Never feel that there is no one - PM me anytime, I'll send you my IM details, and The Dark Side is always open too <3 and as b&w said, fuck anyone who is not there for you! My counsellor taught me that bereavement is a time to be selfish. The friends who couldn't handle how raw and intense my grief was, I stopped seeing. The ones who expected me to be "over it" after 6 months, I ignored. It's fascinating to see how people respond.. but basically, you need to do what is right for you, and if people aren't there to support you then fuck them. We are here for you. <3

Ok I really have to go now - so much love to you. I understand at least some of what you are feeling (everyone grieves differently) and there aren't many of us who have lost a partner young - I think it would be brilliant if we could all band together and try to support one another.

<3 <3 <3
 
I'm not sure I can write much that is sensible yet, as my loss is also raw - that's the only word for it, as badandwicked said. Khadijah, I lost my beloved Where Wolf? just two weeks ago. I was with his family until yesterday and have now come home to this empty flat, to coldness and pain that feel like they could swallow me whole. Even though I know that they will not, part of me wishes they could. We all survived the funeral, which we hope did him honour, but that is only the start of the grieving process. I will be saying goodbye to him every day, every night, probably for the rest of my life - and I suspect you will be doing the same for your beloved.

I sit here with tears still in my eyes, streaming down my cheeks and that gnawing pain of emptiness. Worst of all, the longing, the incredible, impossible longing for his eyes, his touch, his kiss. I have been following what effie and herbavore have said before - I am just trying to keep breathing, though I hyperventilate sometimes when I go out and see all those faces, none of them his. He was beautiful, in body and in soul: a complex man who suffered and still stayed compassionate (with everyone but himself, perhaps). He was gentlest lover I had ever known and a deeply spiritual human being.

I'm the one that people usually turn to for emotional support; I'm supposed to be a 'pro', with years of therapy and pastoral care training behind me. I won't say that it is all bullshit; I know it is not, but right now, nothing helps. Nothing. I will wear my role like a mask, like a costume. I will hide behind it. Perhaps I will be able to reconstruct a self whilst in hiding. I am so grateful for herbavore and effie; maybe we too can transform our sorrow and pain someday - right now, we just have to live it. What is left of my heart goes out to you.
 
lacey (that's how I remember you :) ), is this the father of your child too? Sorry if you mentioned it, but I read the first lines of your post and about cried. I am so sorry.

I think everybody knows my story, but yes, I was blamed too and treated badly by his family. They thought I knew more than I did, and I think they thought I was doing drugs with him or getting him the drugs. I wasn't doing either of those things. They had a cop calling me for 6 months, and I think the guy finally realized that I didn't know anything more than what I had told him. I asked for just one thing of his and they wouldn't let me have even a tshirt. :\

One month isn't even close to enough time to heal. It took me at least 2-3 years. I think a month in I was in so much pain I wanted to die. Although I don't know exactly what you're going through, I know how much it hurts and how you just want it to stop and all the steps of grief. I don't know about you, but I knew I had to snap out of it, but I just didn't care.

I think the parents have to find someone to blame other than their son. It hurts too much for them to admit that their son was an addict and made a bad choice. So, you're an easy target. Blame the GF or the fiance, because they can't put the blame on their deceased son.

I promise you it does get better. You'll always think of him, but you will move on after a while even though you don't think it's possible right now.
 
I'm so extremely sorry for your loss. I lost my first hubby in 1997. Nobody can understand the pain and emptiness you experience at this moment. I was also very cold but yet it was full blown summer. It feel that half of your body is missing.
What help for me was: I moved 1000m away. Bought a house and kept myself busy all the time. I also had 2 small kids to see to.
They say time heal all wounds I don't agree time just learn you how to live with it. But I promise you there will come a day that you will feel better and everyday after that you`ll heal more. Their will come a time that your laughter will reach your eyes again.
I met a guy 8 months later and we still together today. So don't lose hope you will get your live back on track again although there will always be a scare but believe me today you will love that scare.
Keep your mind and hands busy don't listen to all the stories that goes around you know the true and at the end of the day people that talk behind your back talk to your ass. People that turn there back on you now was never your real friends or family. Let them go to hell.
You can show them now a big fuck you by keeping your head high let them see you look after yourself and that you a strong person. The person you are all along that's why he loved you and I know that's what he also would want for you. Get something to help you sleep at night resting is very important.
When live push we must push back.
 
Lysis that's awful about the police hassling you, and the family not letting you have any of his things - it's just terrible, it makes me so angry! At the end of the day though, as b&w said.. fuck them. Your partners knew the truth and you know the truth and anyone else who thinks they know better are deluding themselves. People need someone to blame when something like this happens as you said Lysis, and they need to lash out, but they are only making themselves poorer for acting like this towards you two. You're stronger and better than they are and you will grieve in a much more healthy way than they will, as bitterness is only going to hold them back... Shit I'm crying now too, but if you can't cry over something like this what can you cry over? Lysis, lacey/kadijah, I feel honoured to be in your ranks and to join this support group/thread/thingumy, even though it breaks my heart that any of us need to be. Us BL bereaved ladies need to stick together I think - it really is so rare to find someone who understands and is prepared to listen without flinching <3

Kadijah I skimmed your story as I was running late and didn't register the part about your lack of support, I'm so sorry. I refused all support and locked myself away for 6 mths, and found that my online friends were all the support I needed, and less exhausting than trying to see people face to face.. so I would strongly encourage you to lean on the friends you have here.. but it makes me so mad to think of you going through this with that added stress too! :( <3

I just remembered something amapola (RIP :( ) told me after Dave died - he said that after you lose someone, everything is changed, and at first you think that everything is changed for the worst because it feels like nothing will be okay again, and you are living in your worst nightmare.. but slowly, as you heal, and learn to live alongside the pain, you realise that everything is still changed but that far from making life ugly, it has made it more beautiful - as every moment has this incredible bittersweet quality to it.

I wanted to punch him at the time haha, and you may want to do the same to me, but I am so glad he said that because I needed a glimmer of hope that perhaps this wasn't the end of my world and my happiness.. and he's right. The pain and the grief and the sadness and the anger and the fucking unfairness of it all somehow make it all even more precious when we do experience happiness, even for a split second. Grieving is so fucking painful, I know it is, and it's very early days... but Dave's death taught me a lot, and has made me strong, and has ensured I never ever take anything for granted. As b&w said, I wish we could make you believe that things will get better.. and that not only that, you will find it all the more precious when they do.. but I know that right now it's impossible to conceive of anything ever being okay ever again. I deliberated whether I should even say this now as I know how raw the pain is, and you may well not even want to think about healing, but ama said it to me at a similar stage and it really helped. So, I'm taking a gamble. Tell me to fuck off if you like :)

Okay I really am going to stop now haha.. just know you are not alone. Please come and rant or yell or tell us about your fiance or whatever you like. I'd love to hear whatever you want to say :) I'll tell you about Dave too, when I have a bit more time.

<3
 
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Thanks, effie. I really like the part about amapola. It's so true. I'm sure lacey is going through that phase where she thinks it'll never get better, and we've been there, so I hope she has some hope. One month is one of the hardest times.
 
lacey, im very sorry to hear what happened. its fucking sad and gives me goosebumps all the way around. i havent lost an S/O but when i was 14 i lost my grandfather, who was my best friend, a person i looked up to. i would always spend summers down here when i lived in baltimore. He was my fucking home boy.

His funeral was one of the 2 times that ive cried since age 14, im 23 now. i think the pain of losing him and not knowing how to deal with it is what got me started on drugs. i did'nt know how to cope and it still makes me sad. Hearing the vet music, seeing the 21 gun salute. its fucking sad and i to felt like my heart and everything got ripped out from under me.

i dont know what advice to give you cuz i certainly didnt do anything right, i started using drugs less then a year later. idk, find a counselor, someone that you can talk to. there's probaly support groups out there for people like you.

time will help you heal tho. again, im really sorry to hear what happened. keep your head up <3
 
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lacey, I don't know if it's any consolation, but I did not go to my ex-BF's funeral either. I didn't think I could handle it, and although I felt guilty, I am glad that I did not. I think I'm happier remembering him alive than seeing him dead for the last time.
 
Lysis, I understand what you mean...but its like...I didnt have the OPTION. And I see all these fuckin kids, posting on facebook about ohhh, miss you so much...I guess they had all his friends come to the house afterwards, one girl posted about "it was so strange to sit in your room without you there" and Im like....OUR ROOM....*I* miss him so much, and I coudlnt even do that! Fuckin, people from highschool, who barely knew him aside from class....friends who saw him once every few months, or hadnt seen him in a year...All those people could go, could be there, people who didnt even know who he really was...And me, the person who knew him better than anybody else in the world, who loved him more than all of them combined i guarantee it, cast out like a fuckin nobody. Like I was nothing to him, a big fat fuckin zero.

I know everybody keeps saying it dont matter what they say because I know the truth and all that shit but you know what, it still hurts. I was there every day, i pretty much lived there in that house. Walking by like a stranger, trying to get a peek into the windows, when I used to walk in the front door without even having to knock.

I have a kid to take care of and I feel like I cant even do him right anymore. i cant just keep going. I need something, and I dont know what it is but I cant get thru this. On top of all of this, his family called child protective services on me as 'revenge' for 'killing' him. Now I cant even smoke a bowl and chill out and get away from this shit for a few hours before bed each night. On top of that I got charges from throwing out the dope for him and not even a year after FINALLY completing my 3 years of probation, im starting all over again back in the court system. The family is pressing the cops to 'investigate' the death and find me responsible. i got all of this going on, on top of the loss of the love of my life. everywhere i turn theres just bullshit all over again. Everytime I hear a knock on the door my heart skips a beat, thinking its CPS back again, to take the kid this time. my phone, with all the pictures of us that i ever took on it, was at his house that morning when the cops took me down to the station to question me, and i never got it back. i heard from a neighbor who is in touch with the family that the cops have it until they are done with their investigation... so i dont even have one picture of us together. I dont know what his family is going to try to do, they are out for blood. his mom is on the town council or some shit, and his stepdad is a retired detective, so they have connections Im sure they will use to try and crucify my ass for this. And I just want to scream at all of them, aint it enough? Didnt I already lose enough? What do you fucking want from me? When will you be happy? Will it bring him back for you to take away my child and my freedom and the rest of whats left of my life? Will it make anything better?

I wish over and over that it had been me instead of him. if i could give my life for his i would.

and the worst is that people keep telling me, oh, well at least you still have your son! youre so lucky to have him! And I know I am! I know that. I know, I know. his mom lost her son, I should be thankful i have mine, and I am, but god fucking dammit it aint enough! I need HIM, and my baby cant fill that hole., Nothing and nobody can. I go to grief counseling, i dont get nothing from it. its like nothing can break thru this bubble I am surrounded by. i feel so alone in it. i used to have nightmares that he died and i would wake up with my heart racing and cry with relief when i called him and heard his voice and knew he was fine, he was still right here, everything was OK. And now its like the nightmare is my life. I aint got no fuckin friends to turn to, nobody i can just call up and say hey, come take me out for coffee or something. All I want to to is roll up a blunt, pour a shot, and dedicate it to him and the day I see him again. but I cant even do that. I cant get over how fucking sick and twisted this world is, that I could finally get thru that addiction, finally get my shit together, finally find the man of my dreams, finally BE HAPPY, for the first time in my life truly, truly, deeply happy and content....And that then, it turns all around on me, that perfect man uses the drug I finally freed myself from, and the only time he ever does it in my presence, mere days after I find out about it, he fucking DIES FROM IT, in my arms, in a scene straight out of my worst ever nightmares, and the whole world thinks I did it to him. I dont understand, I just dont understand it. i dont , i dont, i dont. He was by my side for everything. and all these assholes who didnt even know who he really was, who knew nothing about the real him, the real self that he only really ever showed me....they all talk like they knew him, they get to go over to the house and have dinner with the family and go to the 'memorial candle lighting service' organized by a few of his friends that everybody but me was invited to...they get to still be a part of his life, the life he had here on earth, while Im cut out of everything that ever had anything to do with him. all I want to do is go the places we used to go, with the people we used to chill with, share the memories, talk about the good times....I just want to cling onto everything that had anything to do with him, you know? And its all impossible. I see his house every day, i see his truck in the driveway, i see the window of his (our) room...and it might as well be a million miles away. but its all right here. HE WAS JUST RIGHT HERE. Im so fucking mad you dont even know. everything i ever hoped for. Its like, i had gave up on finding a man who would want to be with me, having a kid, all that shit...And then he just fell into my lap, and it was like magic. meant to be. we were absolutely perfect together. both of us was happier than we had ever been in either of our lives. it was true love, straight from heaven. and I finally felt like it was OK to plan for the future, to have hopes, to have something to dream for, something to look foward to. I had never had that, not even when I had my son. i still had no idea where I was going. But with my man, i did. I finally started to see a future for myself, and it was THIS FUCKING CLOSE. And then it all just got destroyed in the blink of an eye. I dont know how to handle it, I really dont. I just have no idea what the fuck to do with myself. I cant accept it, I cant fathom this life without him in it. I keep thinking that hes coming back. and everytime I hear a noise outside my window, where he used to come and tap on it, and I know it aint him, and i know that it will NEVER BE HIM AGAIN and I just cant deal with that. NEVER. I cant fucking do never. I cant. And there is nothing in my day that makes me want to wake up for another one. When i open my eyes the first thing i think is that hes gone. The feeling when i open my eyes in the morning, is pure fucking disappointment that its another piece of shit day to waste away til i can go to sleep again. All the while being responsible for another life that i feel i can barely handle. maybe its better off if hes without me. I dont know. Hes young enough that he wouldnt know the difference. The way that this happened makes it a million times worse because all the traditional ways to deal with it are cut off from me. all the parts of mourning, the rituals you go thru, I been excluded from every last one. and it just makes me feel so much more alone, that when i see his friends in the street, instead of a hug and a 'remember when?" i get a evil look and a finger pointed at me. I been screamed at and cussed out by his family , walking my son in the stroller and confronted by his grandfather screaming at me "you got a lot of nerve showing your face on this street after killing my grandson you bitch!" Im just completely paralyzed by grief and nothing makes it better.

People say do things to distract yourself, take care of yourself, take a bath, watch a movie, eat something good, play a game with your son, go out with friends...(if I had any to go out with....) but the thing is, none of those things is even enjoyable. nothing feels good. nothing brings any joy or relief from the pain. and i just lay in bed going over and over the memories again, the first time we kissed, the first time we said i love you...the beautiful feeling of falling head over heels in love...the first night i realized that i liked him as more than a friend and the delicious thrill of realizing he felt the same way. and the little things, the everyday things, the things we did a million times, smoking our cigarette with our coffee in the morning. the phone call every day on his lunch. smoking a bowl in bed before going to sleep. the way we slept with our arms and legs all tangled up together because we just wanted to be as close as possible. the feel of my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. And then it just makes me think of the last time i ever heard it, as i tried to see if he was still alive that morning...and it was so tiny and faint, but it was there...and i had hope....

its just destroying me, its destroying me from the inside out. I lost 30 lbs since it happened and i cant even be bothered to try to make it stop. my clothes hang off me, nothing fits. i dont fucking care about anything, taking a shower is a chore that i dont even have the energy for. I know he dont want to see me this way but i just cant fucking help myself. i just want to lay down and go to sleep and wake up to find him there with me someplace where the suffering ends. I need a different life, a new life, just something else. to just drop everything and leave it all behind. if i could just pick up and leave...go somewhere, start again...maybe i could make it. but i cant do that. tied down by the cycle of going back to court, back to all the bullshit, back to what i thought i was finally done with for the rest of my life...the knowledge that now every step i take, every move i make, is watched, and evaluated, by people whose job it is to take my kid away...that I will be stuck, back into having my life owned by somebody else, told what i can and cant do, what i can and cant put into my body, forced to 'comply' with more of the rules that i was so, so, fucking happy to excape...Im tied down to this anchor. all this is here, and there aint no way to get away from it. Im forced to stay here inside this nightmare and theres no end in sight. It aint just the loss of him, its the loss of everything, my entire life right before my eyes. its everything that matters. right down the drain. what the fuck is there. I feel so fucking trapped. just pinned here.
 
I'm so sorry, lacey. I understand, because I went through it too, and they are trying to find someone to blame, because they can't deal with it themselves. People do crazy things when loved ones die. Especially one who was too young to die. They wouldn't even give me a damn tshirt and I had asked them to please tell me when they were here to clean out his stuff, because I would help and come to them. I still can't believe some of the stuff I wrote on here, because BL was my only outlet and I was so distraught.

They are assholes for treating you like this. For some reason, people think they are more important than you are, because you weren't married, but you and I know that isn't true. I also got the "you were just the GF and he was my son," and while I understand that it's a different type of hurt, it doesn't make your hurt any less severe.

Everything you've said sounds exactly like me. Down to the lost weight, and the whole thing just eating you from the inside out. All of it. I'm so sorry. I wish you were close to me. I would give you a hug. Your post is getting me teary eyed. :( Nothing is going to make it feel better, and I know that. The only thing you can do is wake up every morning (and yes, I know that instant feeling of hurt you feel as soon as you wake up), and do what you're supposed to do every day.

I know you're looking for someone to say something to magically take it away, but nothing is going to make it better. Only time will make it better.

One day, you will finally snap out of it, but not now. I do promise you that everyone who has been through it will tell you that it does get better. It's gonna be a long while, and you'll still think about him sometimes, but it does get better. Personally, I'm at a stage where I realize he made a very bad decision, and I have a "fuck him" attitude. Perhaps that's a coping mechanism, but I can tell you that I no longer have that helpless, depressed, just totally can't think, cry every day thing anymore. You will get there too. You're tough.
 
sorry to hear Lacey
Not sure what to say in this situation other than truly wishing you the best
 
Lysis said:
I still can't believe some of the stuff I wrote on here, because BL was my only outlet and I was so distraught.

Everything you've said sounds exactly like me. Down to the lost weight, and the whole thing just eating you from the inside out. All of it. I'm so sorry. I wish you were close to me. I would give you a hug. Your post is getting me teary eyed. :( Nothing is going to make it feel better, and I know that. The only thing you can do is wake up every morning (and yes, I know that instant feeling of hurt you feel as soon as you wake up), and do what you're supposed to do every day.

I know you're looking for someone to say something to magically take it away, but nothing is going to make it better. Only time will make it better.

One day, you will finally snap out of it, but not now. I do promise you that everyone who has been through it will tell you that it does get better. It's gonna be a long while, and you'll still think about him sometimes, but it does get better. Personally, I'm at a stage where I realize he made a very bad decision, and I have a "fuck him" attitude. Perhaps that's a coping mechanism, but I can tell you that I no longer have that helpless, depressed, just totally can't think, cry every day thing anymore. You will get there too. You're tough.
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^ massive +1 to all of that, I could have said any one of those things.. it is quite reassuring to know that there are more of us out there who shared toe same experiences, even though it is also heartbreaking to think that others went through it too..

Kadijah, I can empathise so much with the stage you are at and how you describe it. You're right, nothing can cut through the pain and reach you, not right now.. I so wish I had something magical I could say that might help, but I don't. It's like Lysis said - all you can do is just get through this period, one moment at a time if necessary. Do what you need to do to get through the day. Just keep putting one foot infront of the other.Do try to eat.. I know it's futile me saying that, I lost two stone (erm.. 28 lbs?) and used to go for literally days without touching a thing. I wasn't leaving my flat, so I would just lie there in bed 24/7 mostly staring at the ceiling and thinking, like you - I didn't have motivation to do anything. Sometimes I'd go hours and hours without a drink, feeling so thirsty, yet there would be a glass of water on the bedside table - but I didn't even have the motivation to reach out and drink it. I used to order two large pizzas when I really got to the point where I had to eat, several days in, and pick at them for several days then I'd start the cycle again. I found protein shakes / Slimfast shakes were very useful (dunno if you have that over there, dieting shakes, obviously I wasn't asking them to lose more weight ha, just as a form of nutrition). The problem is, you need to have enough motivation to eat then. If you are struggling to care enough to make yourself eat and drink then I think you really need to see if you can get some help from a doctor. Grieving is draining, you need some nutrition inside you, I know how bad it is but you need to take care of yourself as much as you can <3

This is the real hard labour, this stage. I know you feel like there is nothing to get up for, go to bed for, eat for; no hope or respite or chance of happiness.. and I can't even imagine the extra pressure and pain you are going through because of the family situation; it makes my blood boil to think of people treating someone grieving for the loss of their love like that! Lysis is right though, they just need someone to blame, to try to alleviate their own suffering.. but it is beyond awful to make someone else's grief even harder to bear just to try to ease your own. I am so sorry. :( <3

I know you won't believe any of the "things will get better" "you will be happy again" "you learn to love with it and smile" lines, not at the moment.. which is why this is so much like labouring. You just have to keep putting one foot infront of the other, breathing in and out, pushing on through. This hellish period won't last forever, I really do promise that.. keep talking to us, get it all out, I'm reading every word and I feel honoured that you are sharing it with us. It helps me so much listening to other people who I know understand, even if it absolutely breaks my heart that there are others who had to go through it too.

Breathe in and out, keep taking a step, push through the pain, you can do it <3 and stock up on protein shakes!

Lysis: I know all about the "fuck him£ feeling, it's good to hear someone else say that, for ages I felt like the biggest bitch for thinking like that.. I go through different spells, at the moment I am scared because I can't remember him as well as I used to. Or at all, even. All my memories seem to be me remembering telling stories about Dave, or describing him to people. It all seems false. I can't remember what it was actually like to be with him, live with him.. cuddle up on the sofa.. was he a tactile person? Did we kiss a lot? Did we hold hands? What did he smell like? How did we spend our evenings? It's absolutely ridiculous - I lived with this man for over a year, he died less than two years ago, how can I have forgotten.. I don't think I have really, I think it's because I am stressed at the moment and et even more stressed when I think I can't remember him.. but the guilt is eating me up :\

Kadijah, I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, I think of you several times a day and have done since I first read your post. Don't forget you can PM me anytime. Keep going. You will get through this stage if you keep going. What's that quote.. "if you're gong through hell, keep going". Very true. <3 <3 <3
 
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