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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

^ As I've read, despite being the best ingredient in MJ, THC is one of many compounds in the plant with known medical uses.
 
Yeah. Ah, mj <3 How I love you!!!

god damn. why to people talk shit behind others backs? how do you tell who isn't full of bullshit?

meh. fuck people. i'm done with them. (nice/non abusive people only plz. ) fuck assholes. i'm going to just focus on learning I.T programming, web design, and get my own fucking business going. SO SICK OF BULLSHIT. (last job, fired for being in hospital for passing out? with bradycardia, malnutrition, meh. ) i don't give a shit if that's not socially acceptable to be sick, and not give a shit. people are cunts for mocking ill people behind their backs, (at least don't be a pussy, say what you want TO someone's face!!). grrr. so yeah, i'm going to not give up, and continue setting up my own fucking business.
i.t = <3. you can do it anywhere, it's at least easier to stay away from horrible people.

meh. i'm just going to keep going to keep learning shit, fucking improve my website making skills, and do my business idea. if it doesn't work, keep doing the others till one is fucking successful.

also, i wanna start martial arts/ kickboxing/ something to get all this anger out of me. need to direct it somewhere better. when i'm down, i like art. when i'm furious with shaking rage, i don't know wtf to do now i don't have drugs!! so yeah.. maybe boxing or some shit would be good.
 
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You just need to ignore this cheap talk. This is very common and very normal. It happens everywhere.
In school, at work, during a soccer game, in family meetings, within our neighbors, etc.
That's how life really is. I don't think people are being mean with you.

People talk about people, that's part of the package so to speak. With time we learn to be ethical but I don't think you should let this affect your mood. "Nobody but yourself can make you feel inferior" right?

I used to question all this hypocrisy when I was younger but as I said this is part of life.
 
yeah, you're right erik. it's normal to talk about others! most people only say bad things if it's a bad person, right?

Meh.. Sorry. I was really wound up. I keep being way too trusting, and getting into shitty situations. I need to learn some fucking self defensive!
 
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Everything is going to be fine Kace.
It seems you are young and lots of guys at this age are assholes.
I'm glad you managed to get out of that awkward and 'criminal' situation.

Enjoy your boxing day! :)
 
^ Last Feb I got stuck on my way to Boston (in Atlanta for one day) and on my way back as well. I only managed to get into a flight faster because I chose to fly to NY where they can always book me a direct flight. They have options as long as you are prepared to have a longer travel. It can be very frustrating.

Back to work tomorrow. These holidays only made me realize how tired I am and that I need to take my real holidays the soonest possible. I am felling stressed with the overload and Sunday is the day I can't really enjoy until I have a calmer week ahead.
 
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^Definitely is frustrating. Everything worked out but overall is was very stressful. I'll probably just drive to see family next time honestly.


Got a lot on my mind right now. My tolerance for stress is very low, and I'm starting to catch feelings towards a certain someone. I'm not good at handling these emotions, nor am I good at figuring out what to do. It's complicated. What is really hard is that it has effected my work performance recently. I tend to dwell on things I said, but I know we (me and the girl) have a connection and I think it will work out.
 
I want Obamacare, have been trying to get Obamacare, but i can not get through passed being on hold for over an hour and having the call get dropped. I work 10-6 and I tried calling from 8-930 and the phone service doesnt work. So now I probably wont get health insurance, wont be able to see a doctor about my aliments, and will have to pay a penalty for not signing up on top of not being able to afford a doctors visit.

Why must I be hated on for having a job! If I were unemployed I would have nearly free health insurance through the state but instead people at the clinic ask why i have to pay instead of why they dont have to pay :/
/rant

*and for those "subscribed to my page" (of whom their are 0 most likely) this probably will be an on going rant because now that i pulled my life out of the depths of addiction the one thing i cant seem to get is insurance so get use to me complaining about it*
 
Not much to say other than I'm exhausted. Have worked too much. And a lot more to go.

Waking up has become an issue to me. I always make it to work.
But it seems I have to spend a long time convincing myself while on weekends and holidays I have absolutely no problems to wake up at 6 am or any other time in case I have to travel.

Some days I know it's because I can't sleep properly but the others I sleep well it just feels like the most difficult task of the day. I need to stop that but don't know how.
 
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I suck.. I keep feeling better/ blah, then getting butthutt (jokeee ffs people!), and it sets me back.

It's weird nor having drugs to control emotions, right? Being clean feels like a (fucking) forced life lesson!..

.. Seriously, how the fuck do sober people (continuously deal with uncontrollable things?!) Howww?!
Society = so much pressure!!
Worse when you are forced to be around other individuals who use self-destructive things? to deal with.. life? meh.. :|

I need to GTFO of my living situation. Things are fine physically, it's the best physical living environment I've ever had. But.. I don't have my own space. I just want to get on with things, without being bothered. The ability to make cups of tea without getting an ear full of BS. Having no alcoholholics/ addicts/ violent people around would be= the most awesome, money-can't-even-buy!- thing ever. It would be a life of no additional stress... Ahh... Hopefully one day I'll have my own room/ + living space!!! without any self-destructive/ nice person but totalassholetoeveryone types/ being annoying to everyone when intoxicated.
(I'm not angry at people for having problems, btw, just .. when they make it everyone elses problem, and don't let others get on with things..
Ahhh. I've lived in many places, and have seen so many other addicts (including myself!) do it. Even normal people do it.. (I thought it was just me doing this for ages till I became clean/ sober- haha). Lol.

Meh.. One-fucking- day!
I'll have my own fucking space!! :D
(And maybe my own ps4, haha)

This thought is helping me stay clean. :)
The people I'm around don't know.. my history.. (thank god, they can't use it against me/ hurt me with it! :D)
I am not an ass/ don't bitch at others for their self-destructiveness. (I just whatever to gto from any bad situations). Why do someee many people get off/ use personal things to hurt each other?! (Sorry, I learnt this year- don'tttt trust people with your substance abuse history!!-- espec if it's heroin -- if you're young, are presently clean!!).
My last house.. I became the "landlord" for it + properties over summer, when crazy landlord went to China, to see a bird (and give her thousands!!).
Anyway, they found out about previous addiction (heroin) from my ex.. (He was a well known addict in a small town, where everyone knows everyone).
Everything was fine. I was clean and happy.
But, then I got robbed (there was a coke head thief in the house!), and man handled (untreated violent schizo),
and.. the landlord/ my boss went mental at me..

(When it happened, someone heard me shouting when man handled thing happened, I was defending myself).
They didn't see what was going on (me being flung around/ etc by someone going nuts!)
They just messaged the landlord, who was in China.
He assumed I was arguing with my ex partner he didn't like (who I wasn't even seeing, not that it should matter!)
-- So, meh.. Long story short: Don't tell people who you don't 100% trust about substance abuse problems. They will talk shit + be an asshole for no reason/ not even listen let alone help you when you're in genuine trouble!!
(It freaked me out (especially not having a lock!) so I left.


Arrghhhhhhhh. People suck.
 
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kace said:
Being clean feels like a (fucking) forced life lesson!..


trying to keep brain going.. so I don't give into cravings.

Positive note:
Holy shit, I just realised I haven't (yet) caved in to pressures,
Haven't used heroin or crack for the whole Xmas period!
(shh, secret ex junkie/ nutter.)

..You know the slight.. craziness you get from being an addict?
(Not diagnosable. but uh... intense.. ness? )
When does it die down a bit?

I don't know, am totally winging this whole clean thing by myself. Am joining a sober-person group in Jan.. Till then, anyyyyy advice = better than drugs!! (haha)
Click to expand...

You are doing the right thing. It gets better with time.
Cravings do not last all day long and all you have to do is to postpone.
One day at a time. Half day at a time.
It's definitely worth it. But very hard, I know.
Good luck!! You can do this!!
 
^ Thank you Erik!! <3 (Yay, someone who gets it!)
<3 <3

You're right- they do come and go. When stressed, they are definitely at the strongest!!
I feel like a scientist, constantly trying to find new theories/ practices to deal with cravings!
Damn.. What do you do?! How do you deal with?
(I need better ways, if I had a phone number or knew anyoneee in the area.. Lets just say, I would nottt be clean right now!!)

Lightbulb moment, haha:
Most people use in the evenings, so maybe I should volunteer (if possible)/ get the fuck out/ away from them, at this time??
.. I just want to be able to shower/ eat/ cook/ make tea without being near any functioning, but intoxicated people. Don't care how nice they are, sober..
 
No problem kace. Most of us are in the same situation. <3
I keep living in the present as much as I possibly can and realizing how good it is to be sober gives me just the bit of strength I would need to go on for one more day.
 
Fuck drug abuse/addiction but fuck sobriety too. The more I experience life the more I realize that my desire to move away from drugs is motivated purely by the desire not to have another problem in my life, not because life is some GREAT THING that drugs is obscuring, not because of the law, not for moral reasons, not for anyone else like my family, not for my health.

No, purely because they make life more of a colossal misery than it already is. If I were independently wealthy I'd buy a pile of drugs and live out the rest of my (hopefully brief) life in a haze. A sober life doesn't really offer anything for me...what's going to happen in my future? Will I suddenly not become chronically sick, will my health return to me? Will I meet some chick who I can become codependent with and have her take the role of substances for me, to feed my ego to the extent that I won't feel the need to fellate a shotgun? Will I find some magical activity or hobby to set my life right, will my mind-state improve through some combination of CBT, mindfulness, nutrition and exercise, perhaps with some meditation & sleep hygiene thrown in for good measure? LOL

My occupation involves a sober me eating a healthier diet than probably what 90% of this board eats, breathing the cleanest air & working a physically strenuous job for 12+ hours every single day. And the last time I was working it I was so anxious and depressed that I fantasized about suicide every day. I hated my own existence before I even touched an illegal drug. When reformed junkies go on about how great life is without narcotics, I feel envious that they feel that way honestly.
 
I can relate to the fact you weren't happy before doing drugs. But maybe you need to find out why.
Is it perhaps because you feel lonely or bored. Or because you haven't yet found your path and joy is not part of your life?
Sometimes we don't have that answer. But the belief that drugs will fulfill that emptiness is simply not true. You know this.
IMO you are just postponing your own process of getting mature. Idk. Only you can find that out.

In my case, finding my passion helped me a lot so I could prioritize what patch I should follow.
But this is different for everyone.

I don't want drugs to dictate when I should feel good and when I should be miserable.
There's a saying some where that says there's no problem that alcohol or drugs don't make it worse.
That's true.

The fact that I chose drugs to deal better with my life just placed a secondary problem for me to resolve and shipped me right back to square 1 where I have to deal with the problems that lead me to use drugs in the first place.
Addiction just prevent us to grow.

Not everyone feels great when they quit drugs. They feel great because they quit the dependence, the prison to what drugs makes you feel but the original problems remain.

The good feelings most people have when they quit drugs is because we free ourselves to be able to find out freely what makes us satisfied with what we have and the strength to go after those things that can make us what we want to be.

I hope you find your answers but the fact you are asking them is a good sign. You are looking for a way out. The rest will follow.
 
Maybe I should find out why? Wouldn't you think that if someone is always unhappy they'd try to find a reason for their unhappiness at some point? It's something I've put a lot of thought towards, actually. And the fact that I still haven't found a conclusive reason for why I feel down all the time is probably a pretty good indicator that I won't in the future.

I've always had the ability to find out what makes me "satisfied" and to explore different options. I have a decent amount of money and a solid support network. I just don't give a shit.
 
Burnt, life isn't a joyful walk in the park. I get jealous of reformed junkies who seem so happy/ sorted/ normal too.
You're overthinking your future far too much, using previous experiences to alter your perception of the good things that can and will happen, if you stay patient, clean (most of the time, lol) and open minded. E.g- Just as you had a shitty codependent relationship in the past, doesn't mean they will all be..
I'm sorry for being blunt, if I have offended you (I keep saying the wrong things, I'm sorry, people think I'm slightly autistic, I don't know when I say the wrong thing, sorry). I just understand your frustrations, (had exactly the same ones for so fucking long!!). Please don't think your unhappiness is permanent. It's not. <3 (I know I sound cheesy/ full of bullshit. Please understand I've had serious depression/ and a shameful amount of multiple suicide attempts from '12-'15, I truly thought being down would last forever too... I know you won't believe me- but it doesn't! It's the depression/ sadness talking total bullshit! ) Hang in there, things will improve gradually. It'll make all this BS worth it.

And yes, it's important to find out -why- exactly you're unhappy, then you can make steps to change the controllable things. Just perhaps, do it in a controlled way, in a way that won't depress you/ make you overanalyse?

Money/ friends = doesn't equate happiness. Of course, it helps, and makes things easier. But, for (every) human .. we need something more than that.
 
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Fuck, I fucked up HARD the other day. I wasn't sure where to take this, I don't think it warrants its own thread so I figured I'd take it here.

I'll set the scene. It's Christmas time in the suburbs and I'm back visiting family. For me, it's been an amazing year of recovery and achievement. I've been clean from opiates for a while, my parents know about my struggles with addiction and have done their best to be helpful, despite me fucking up at seemingly every turn. This year was different, though, I'd been able to turn things around and finally get a job and enough money for my own little place downtown, as well as taking out loans to go to school full time (15 credits, on top of 30 hour work weeks, to say I've been busy is an understatement.) Work has been going well, a promotion is imminent, and my grades turned out to be all A's and B's this semester (studying nuclear engineering) so my parents couldn't be more proud of me.

Then I proceed to fuck everything up, as I'm so great at doing.

It's Christmas evening and the folks have gone down for sleep. I was drinking some vodka on top of my nightly Clonazepam and thought "hey, maybe I should add a little Flubromazolam to potentiate this buzz." I don't remember anything for hours after that, as far as I can recall I just went to sleep.

What I do remember, is waking up around 4pm or 5pm. I woke up to my parents saying "we need to talk. Do you remember this morning at all?"

And here I'm thinking "oh, fuck" because I'm realizing that I totally didn't.

Apparently, my parents woke up the day after Christmas to find a trail of blood splatters and cracker crumbs leading up to my door. They come inside, I'm lying down on the floor, bloodied and bruised, with food out and all over the place (a bunch of salami and cheese that went bad) and I'm downright out of it, my parents clearly know that I'm high. They search my backpack, find and then throw out all of my illegals. Thankfully, the only illegal things I had on me were RC benzos and hash oil, and they let me keep my hash oil. This would likely be a whole 'nother mess if I'd had all my powders and such with me, that would have been game over for sure. Me and my parents have a decently tense argument about my drug use, they send me 'home' (as in back to my apartment), and I've been here just sort of wallowing in shame ever since.

This story is almost comical compared to some real benzo blackout horror stories, but I still can't help but feel like shit about it. My parents have done so much for me and have always loved me unconditionally, which makes me feel a lot worse when I do fuck up. I have some pretty impressive physical scars from this incident, including a nasty giant bruise/gash right on my forehead. I'm having a very hard time coming to terms with knowing that my parents AND my little brothers all saw me in this state (or at the very least saw the aftermath) and are now probably all as shocked/sad/confused/downright disappointed as I am, especially after the productive and successful past year I've had. What a goddamn shame, and for it to happen on Christmas, no less...

I think all I can really do is take some time to let tempers settle. I spent some time with my dad and little brothers today, and while there was a distinctly thick air of 'lets not talk about what happened' among us, I really do have to do some personal apologizing to my parents. Which I have done, but according to my dad "we hear this every single time." The worst part is, he's right.

Fuck this. I've decided to abstain from both RC benzos and alcohol since the incident, just taking lots of dabs and taking my Klonopins as prescribed. If I hadn't popped 1mg Klonopin and 5mg Zyprexa I might be crying over this, but the pills have numbed my body and mind to the point where I can at least sleep, and figure out what to do from there...
 
FUCK SAKE.

I've been dealing with seizures by staying in bed 99% of the time for the past couple years. I worked out what they were a couple weeks ago, had it confirmed by a doctor. (Took me so long to trust him, after previous negligence with previous doctors).
I've been waiting for a neurology referral for fucking-weeks. The stress of this is making the seizures worse. I'm trying to live with them, instead of stop them control everything, so keep fucking waking up on the floor. It looks like I got punched in the face, I must of fallen badly the other day or something. meh.
I'm trying so-fucking-hard to not get down about this, be happy my lungs are relatively normal etc. I'm staying clean, am working at a charity shop, am avoiding all triggers.

I can't avoid my family though, and .. god.. honestly: they are nice, party people (drunks), but terrrribleeee parents (unsupportive, just care about their own hedonistic lifestyles, they bitch about me --constantly!!!--, I can hear them through the walls.. :( If I ever try and defend myself, they go crazy.. So I retreat to my room.. So they come in, drunk and shouting for-no-reason!!)
God damn it...

Pleasseeeee = if you know anyone who has seizures, just let them get on with life!! (you don't need to be supportive/ kind even, just don't be an ass to them/ about them too others :( )
Stress = more seizures.

ARGH. :(

I've been clean for.. a month ish (wish I knew the proper date), have a doc's appointment on the 4th. :/
I want to use, soooo fucking badly, but I'm happy with my cleanness, and want to be able to prove it when they test me next week.
God damn...

Argh, sorry. I'm incredibly frustrated by this ^ and how
1) NO PRIVATE HEALTHCARE INSURANCE WILL FUCKING TAKE ME, as I have an existing problem that ISNT EVEN FUCKING DIAGNOSED. ARGH.
2) FUCKING STUPID NHS WAITING TIMES FOR FUCKING HORRIBLE BRAIN PROBLEMS, WTF?!! (I fucking worked my entire life and paid taxes. Now I NEED the NHS, they are shit/ useless?! I fucking had to diagnose my own god damn seizures ffs).

arrrrrrrfhfffhfhhhhhhhhhhhg. please, anyone who understands my frustrations- help me? :( I'm so fucking upset I don't know what's wrong, and won't for weeks. I know it's been going on for ages, I was in severe denial. Now, I know, I cannot stop freaking out about them. :(
 
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