^ that would be such a great thing if one has the zeal to be able to feel at said time!! well worth mentioning swmo....
I'm just here coz its hit the 24 hr mark without the kid and im feelin lost and woried already.. im suposed to be useig this time to go out and do things, get fitter, spend time with my gf. I feel like crackin it already... just hope i can deal with the nest few weeks in apositive way as ive not made the best start upon getting back
Tonight has been very hard for me. This time last year I was with Dave in our apartment, just the two of us, very loved up and optimistic for the future.. so things have been especially bad in the build up to tonight. In the end, tonight wasn't as bad as I feared, but the memories are still intensely painful. I don't want to move into a new year without Dave.. it feels so wrong, everything is moving too fast yet moving too slowly. I feel so off balance and so sad.
Much to everyone - I think this must be a difficult time for everyone who has lost somebody. I know it has been hard for you herbavore, so I am sending you lots and lots of !
^ I am so sorry to hear your pain Effie. I know it is hard, but with time it will get a little easier. I will not say better but easier. We are all here for you. I am so sorry for your loss sweet lady. It is so hard to lose your mate.
Caleb, I just want you back. I'm right back to here, like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I thought I had moved forward. I am trying to move forward. Maybe I am. Maybe forward is knowing that I will never stop wanting you back.
^ I am so sorry Herbavore. *sending you support and love and light* I can not imagine losing a child. My heart and support goes to you Herbavore and Effie. Getting past the first year is the first milestone of grief, and the first year is the worst. I am so sorry you are both having to deal with this. I am here if you want to talk.
One of my friends died back in November. She was one of few people who actually "got" me... I never felt the need to push her away. I turned 30 last year and it was a bit of a difficult time for me and she was there. I feel so terrible that I leaned so heavily on her when she had her own problems. She had a drink problem, I never knew this. Her liver failed, she got a brain infection, went into a coma and then she was gone. She lived in London so we kept in touch via phone and Facebook.
I miss her so much. We only had one mutual friend so I don't have many people to talk to about her with. I was close to doing something extremely stupid when she picked me up off the floor and gave me her support and understanding.
I find myself going on her Facebook page a lot and leaving a message, although I know she'll never read it.
I would give anything to chat to her again. I'm sorry that I didn't realise her drinking was out of control.
I can totally relate to you going to her facebook page. I go to my son's shrine here on BL a lot. He has an online obituary but after the initial flurry of viewers it died down and now it feels like going to an empty room. I have no belief that says he exists to be aware of any of it but the shrine is a place to go. There is no grave in the physical world. So his shrine here is where I go when I can handle it. Sometimes it is comforting for me just to pretend that I can write something that he will read, like a letter. Magical thinking as Joan Didion would say.
Your friend sounds like some one that wouldn't have minded you leaning on her--you probably gave much meaning to her life when she wasn't feeling good about herself. It is too bad that she didn't let on that her drinking was so out of control, but you shouldn't feel bad for not knowing. She chose not to share that for her own reasons. Take good care of yourself, Jennyfur.
Just here to offer and support to those who are in a worse spot than me, I'm tryin real fuckin hard to put last year behind me im just basicly locking it up inside and puttin on a hard face, my mother had a fall and ended up in hospital, my kid is 4 hrs away and i worry so much about her up there, Ive not taken care of myself very well all around and its dissapointing in retrospect. This year is for ups not downs.. I hope it works as esaily as i percieve it in my mind in real life situations
I finally decided to post here.... I have yet to go to counseling since the lost of my boyfriend/best friend back in april... I miss him more and more everyday. I can't believe he's gone still and its been months since when I found out he died. Ever since the day I lost him I haven't been the same. My life was put on hault and I'm basically at a dead end. Its hard to move on when you don't feel like you can and in the end you don't want to. I still find myself crying over him at the most random of times. My mother just always looks at me with a blank expression and comes over to me and holds me as I cry.... That's all she does though because just like everyone else around me they don't understand the pain I feel each and everyday. To know the guy you were in love with for five years is now gone and is never coming back is hard to swallow. I was so in love with him... I'm still in love with him. I always will be. He was my first love and if he was still here I'm sure he would of been my last... We went through some hard shit together but it made us so much stronger. Even when his mother kicked him out and sent him to boarding school (rehab type one) I stuck by his side...and I was always happy for him to come home and have him tell me how much he loved me and missed me. Ughh I'm ranting now and I could go on and on about him but all I can say is I fucking miss him. I would do anything to get him back, anything. I don't understand how he could have been taken away from us. He was so young... Had so much more to live for. He shouldn't of died.
I feel as if I failed him near the end.. I always promised him I would be there for him and I was up until the very end. Instead I was off getting high and not giving a fuck..... The worst part is when I was doing that he died. I felt something in my gut but didn't listen to it, I just continued to get high... Then I finally feel a need to talk to him and I call his phone...oddly its disconnected. I go to his facebook to apologize for not being there and then I see rest in peace. Rest in peace? Wtf is this a joke???? It has to be but no it wasn't.... I just keep reliving that night in my head and when my sister cried in my arms and I just sat there with tears rolling down my face feeling like I wasn't there and I'm still not here. I've been lost and my life has been changed. I've seen so many people die and what not but this hit me hard.
I really should get into bereavement counseling before I lose it. My life has been on a downward spiral... I've been being self-destructive. Especially with all the drugs I've been doing and the type of drugs I've been doing... Its not normal when you're out using crack or snorting coke when you're suppose to be going to the movies. Or when your friends about to shoot you up with heroin and you're okay with that.... Its scary that I honestly don't care what happens to me anymore. I'm just so tired of living and I'm only eighteen. No I'm not necessarily suicidal but the way I've been living has been like a fuck it if I die, I die kind of attitude. Live fast, die young. I don't know what happened to the girl who was suppose to be off at university... The girl who had hope for the future. I don't know where she went. I just feel like I'm wasting away now. I'm stuck in a never ending cycle I can never get out of.
I don't know what to do anymore....
Oh yeah I feel terrible... His mother took down his facebook page awhile ago but his myspace one is still up and untouched. So anyways my sister gave me my ipod back and I notice I have all my files backed up from my computer on it. Randomly I found the document saved zac something and inside it, it had his myspace email and password. He gave it to me years ago (like when I was 13 lol) to edit his background and he wrote please no reading the messages. Well I logged on just 30 minutes ago and I don't know why I did but I did.... I saw some of his messages and read a couple (mainly just ones from him to me). It made me hurt even more inside.... Remembering the old times. I didn't click on the other messages because I felt it would be wrong too... I wish I didn't find his password because it made me end up feeling like shit again and all sad. That's why I am ranting here right now... Ugh
My beloved father died last Tuesday, January 17th, at 12:50, from multiple organ failure caused by his chronic heart condition. He suffered tremendously, his agony was everything but peaceful, until we finally managed to get the palliative care unit involved... I feel haunted by the sight of his suffering, his screams, his moans, it all feels terribly sad and painful.
I did not know it would hurt this much to lose him, as he had been sick for 10+ years... but it hurts like hell, I can't believe that I just witnessed his death, my hero, my daddy. I can't even imagine that I will heal one day. It just feels too painful.
I am mortified to hear that your poor father had to suffer so much pain before his passing. I can well imagine that witnessing so much pain will make the pain of grief all that much more difficult for you. Losing a parent is so monumental. Our parents are our first world, our first reality. I hope that you can take some comfort in knowing that you gave your father the ultimate gift a child can give a parent: admiration and love. He must've been quite a man to have earned the word hero. The pain of losing him is directly commensurate with the way he loved you. He obviously loved you very, very much.
I lost my father about 6 years ago, now. The first year felt very unreal and the pain of missing him took many surprising forms. One thing that I did to help me was to recognize what he had passed on to me that I valued--like being a kind person--and to not only take a mental moment to thank him but to try to make sure that I gave it back to the world myself. It was a way to honor him. I would love to hear more about your Dad if you ever feel like sharing. Someone suggested blogs to me as a way of remembering my son; this could be a good way for you to process your grief in these early days.
I am so sorry for your loss, even sorrier for having to see him suffer. All my love goes out to you.
^ I am so sorry to hear that, InvisibleEye. Herbavore said it better than I ever could.. but I agree entirely that the pain you feel is a tribute to how much you loved him, and what an amazing father he must have been. I won't lie and say it is a easy road you have ahead, but I absolutely promise you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Talk to us about how you are feeling, let it out - there are a lot of people in here who understand. Grief can be very chaotic and intensely personal, so don't feel like you should be any particular way - however you are is absolutely fine and is what is right for you at that given moment. Reach out for as much help and support as you can (I know this can be hard sometimes) and I would really recommend some bereavement counselling, especially given the trauma around how he died..
I second that I too would love to hear more about your dad if you want to tell us - when you are ready. If not, that is fine too. Sometimes I can talk about my boyfriend for hours, days - other times I couldn't bear to even think his name. Do whatever is best for you, in any given moment, and look after yourself
I've not posted in this thread in a while.. been at an "unable to talk about it" stage for a long time but things seem to be.. easing now? That's not the right word; I am still very much grieving of course and very sad, and I have bad days, and mad days, but I am slowly starting to see some light emerging. Something has shifted in my head - I feel like I can live alongside my grief now, rather than being entirely incapacitated by it. I am back living in our flat, but making it my own haven, and I have been seeing friends and making plans to get back to work.. it isn't easy. But I am doing it! I am so grateful to have reached this stage.. and you will too, InvisibleEye, I promise. I can't promise when, but I can promise it will come
There is something I came across in a bereavement book which really, really helped me to get more support from my friends - I isolated myself completely at first, and I think my friends were completely at a loss to know what to do to help - so I sent them all an email, taken from a book (the name escapes me but I'll dig it up and post it shortly)
NSFW'd for size.. it explains to friends/family what I needed, and still do need. It won't fit everyone I am sure, but it really helped me, so I wanted to share it...
NSFW:
Don't try to find the magic words or formula to eliminate the pain. Nothing can do this. Your primary role in this time is simply to "be there". Don't worry about what to say or do, just be a presence.
Help with responsibilities. Even though a life has stopped, life doesn't. One of the best ways to help is to run errands, prepare food, do the laundry, help with simple maintenance around the home.
Don't expect the person to reach out to you. Many people say "call me if there is anything I can do". The person who is grieving will be overwhelmed by the thought of even picking up the phone. If you are close to the person, stop by theirs and begin to help. People need this but can't ask. There are many people who will be with you during the good times - but few that are there in life's darkest hour.
Don't be afraid to say the deceased's name. The bereaved person will want to talk about them and remember them and having others speak their name and tell stories about them often decreases, not increases pain.
Remember that time does NOT heal all wounds. Your friend will change because of what happened. Everyone grieves differently. There are no timetables or rules - be patient. It is rare that people begin to feel that they are coming out of their grief before a year has passed.
Remind the bereaved to take care of themselves. Eating, resting and self-care are all difficult tasks when beseiged by the emotional rollercoaster of grief. You can help by keeping the house stocked with healthy foods that are ready to be eaten or easy to prepare. Help with laundry. Take over some errands. However, do not push bereaved people to do things they are not ready to do. While it is upsetting to see your friend withdrawing from people and activities - it is normal. They will rejoin when they are ready.
Avoid judging. Don't tell the bereaved how to handle the situation or their emotions unless they ask.
Share a meal. Since meal times can be especially lonely, invite the bereaved person over for a meal at yours or take a meal to their home. Consider a regular arrangement and remember important dates like the anniversary of the bereaved person's death, their birthday etc.
Make a list of everything that needs to be done with the bereaved. This can include everything from bill paying to plant watering. Prioritise by importance. Help the bereaved complete as many tasks as possible. Find other friends to help with this if needed. Let them do some alone though if they want to.
Make a personal commitment to help the one grieving get through this. After a death, many friendships change or disintegrate. People don't know how to relate to the one who is grieving or they get tired of being around someone who is very sad. The bereaved person can isolate themselves. Vow to see your friend through this, to be their anchor in their darkest hour.
Much to everyone in this thread, as always..
And to everyone I haven't pm'd - I'm so sorry, I have been lost in an "unable to communicate about it" land for some time now, and am only just getting myself back - and am suddenly so busy it is insane! I love you all and please don't think I have forgotten about you
In memory of my dad, cos even 33 years on with the few memories I actually have of him the loss doesn't go away.
My thoughts are with all those who've lost their nearest and dearest. May we all remember those we've lost at their very best, and smile with the knowledge we were lucky enough to have them in our lives, if only for far too short a time.
I am glad you have those memories, Sepher, and I am very sorry for the loss of your dad
I am very lucky to have known Dave. Unfortunately I am struggling to feel that right now, even though I know it's true.. I feel like my protective layer has been removed, the loss of Dave has hit me with full force again and it's taken my breath away a bit. Each time it hits me it's harder to get up again, even though I've done it before, because it exhausts me so much..
Starting to wonder if I might have to move out of the flat we shared, even though it feels like my home and I love it so much. The memories are too much right now.. ah I don't know.
My mother died last April at 79, suddenly and unexpectedly. She hadn't been feeling well for a few days before she died, and, in fact, I was to take her to the doctor the morning that she died. Instead, my father called me at dawn to tell me that he found my mother dead on the bedroom floor.
My mother and I were very close and I was her primary caretaker. She understood my mental illness and substance abuse as illnesses, and never judged me. This is not to suggest that she did not expect me to stay clean--she did and would make sure I went to meetings like I supposed to. She was very supportive of me through some very difficult times.
I was devastated by her death. It was like swallowing glass. I moved in with my father to help him with the household duties (cooking, cleaning, etc.) as he has never done that before. I thought he would appreciate it.
But now he is on Facebook, and apparently has no clue about privacy settings. All of his posts come to me. And they are all from women. One bitch said "the only bad thing I heard about you was that you married an older woman with children" (this was about my mother, NOT TRUE). I set the bitch STRAIGHT. Now he is having a Facebook relationship with a married woman. I went to high school with their kids, so I know they are married. She writes things like "Call me after ten, my husband goes to bed at 9" and "I'll be in town next week, without my husband."
When my mother was alive, she used to tell me that she thought my father was having an affair. I used to defend my father, saying that it couldn't be true, and she would tell me that I didn't know him like she did, that he was younger than her, was still attractive, etc. But now I believe her. You don't go from being faithfully married for nearly fifty years and then willing enter into an adulterous affair overnight. She was right.
I despise my father. My loyalty is to my mother. I am tempted to call this woman and tell her that I will not let her tarnish my family name. My father does not care about me and what I think. He never has. I feel used by him. All I want to do is move out of here. And when I do, I am taking every photo, her wedding rings, vintage Chanel, and ashes. He can have his whores.
Wow, Missykins, I am so sorry. I cannot believe that on top of your grief for your mother you have to deal with such selfishness from your father. It doesn't sound like he appreciates what you are doing for him, let alone have any sensitivity towards your enormous loss.
I can't wait to get out of here. Maybe in the future we can have a relationship, but not now. And I unfriended him from Facebook. I'm going to have to confront him.
I can entirely understand not being able to have a relationship with him at the moment, and I would have unfriended him on facebook too - there are some things that are just too much. Do you think it would be best to confront him or to just walk away for the time being? Would he listen, do you think?
Good luck, I am so sorry you have this to deal with. Your mum sounds like a wonderful lady (understanding your mental illness and substance abuse, and vintage Chanel!) and I am very sorry for your loss
Bereavement is not a subject with which I am unfamiliar. I would like very much if there was some sort of laser or whatever to make my memories go away, but absent that, I live with my grief. My mother died in my junior year of high school. My father was on a business trip in Germany and I was alone when I found out the news.
I can't advise you to call her, Missykins, but I will state that I know I'd be as livid as you are if someone dishonored the memory of someone who was special in my life. Taking the higher road is the best option in my experience. I would rather be the better person than the alternative. I hope you are able to process this with maturity and strength.
Effie, I read what was under the tag and I admire your ability to stay solid. You are a friend to the world. I've expressed sadness at your loss, and that of the community. I hope to meet you so I can experience your radiance in person.
And to another friend who is bereaved: I hope each tomorrow is better than the last. I can floor it up the dreaded 5, I sure would for you.
to everyone - I think this must be a difficult time for everyone who has lost somebody. I know it has been hard for you herbavore, so I am sending you lots and lots of 
