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TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

Thinking of xstayfaded and effie right now. Mostly because I was thinking about rituals. I thought that was a beautiful ceremony that you created for yourself to honor Zak, xstay. I've never found it possible to believe in anything happening or not happening after this life but I do believe in the power of symbolism. Writing your letter and casting it off into the water in the dark was a beautiful way to honor love, to honor what a person's love left you with. Same for the tatoo, effie. Such a tangible symbol for the rest of your life of what Dave gave you.

Yesterday, my older son was trying to mend one of Caleb's old shirts that he wears now and he needed some help. When Caleb was alive he was always wrecking his brother's stuff--not on purpose, not maliciously, just in the impulsive and careless way he had with everything. If he couldn't find his skate he took T's, same with a bike or a wetsuit or once even T's only pair of shoes! T got mad, but never seriously; he just took pains to hide everything. Somehow, Caleb always found it and usually he ended up wrecking it due to some epic adventure that he barely survived. Either that or he just got distracted and lost whatever it was. So this shirt that had been Caleb's that is now T's is very symbolic on many levels. It was a shirt that Caleb wore a lot, it is a reversal in that T is wearing something of Caleb's and it has a bunch of holes in it like everything else Caleb wore. And we were trying to mend it. It was a ritual in a way. We had a laugh and a cry. Caleb could piss us off so much yet no one could ever stay mad at him. It felt good to remember that while showing T how to sew.
 
^<3 You such a strong person Herby...
Whats this about a letter sent off into the ocean?
sounds like something positive.
 
herbavore said:
Thinking of xstayfaded and effie right now. Mostly because I was thinking about rituals. I thought that was a beautiful ceremony that you created for yourself to honor Zak, xstay. I've never found it possible to believe in anything happening or not happening after this life but I do believe in the power of symbolism. Writing your letter and casting it off into the water in the dark was a beautiful way to honor love, to honor what a person's love left you with. Same for the tatoo, effie. Such a tangible symbol for the rest of your life of what Dave gave you.

Yesterday, my older son was trying to mend one of Caleb's old shirts that he wears now and he needed some help. When Caleb was alive he was always wrecking his brother's stuff--not on purpose, not maliciously, just in the impulsive and careless way he had with everything. If he couldn't find his skate he took T's, same with a bike or a wetsuit or once even T's only pair of shoes! T got mad, but never seriously; he just took pains to hide everything. Somehow, Caleb always found it and usually he ended up wrecking it due to some epic adventure that he barely survived. Either that or he just got distracted and lost whatever it was. So this shirt that had been Caleb's that is now T's is very symbolic on many levels. It was a shirt that Caleb wore a lot, it is a reversal in that T is wearing something of Caleb's and it has a bunch of holes in it like everything else Caleb wore. And we were trying to mend it. It was a ritual in a way. We had a laugh and a cry. Caleb could piss us off so much yet no one could ever stay mad at him. It felt good to remember that while showing T how to sew.
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^ That is so sweet how he is wearing Caleb's shirt. Sounds like his way of copeing is having a piece of his brother there with him as well. It is so hard to lose someone like this. Sounds like T and Caleb were very different but loved each other a lot. The way you describe Caleb is a lot like my husband was. I never could stay mad at him long either. He seemed to punish his self enough after a binge and needed support. I miss him so much just as all of you do your loved ones. I think these tokens of keeping their memories alive are very profound.
I love the idea of the letter in the ocean, and the tatoo was cool too. I want to get a tatoo myself just never got around to actually doing it.
 
So, it is Friday night and I have had plans all week to go out with a friend to another friend's art opening. For the past two days I have been actually trying to think up some excuse so that I don't have to go. When I got home from work the plan had morphed into a whole group of friends going together and I got in a complete panic but at least I wasn't dishonest--I did tell the truth about why I couldn't go: I am having a really hard time seeing people in groups and it is starting to scare me. I have always had a pretty full social life with my friends. These are all good friends, good people that say that they don't care if I cry or if I need to talk about Caleb or not talk about him. In fact, they encourage me to talk about him and my feelings more than I do. The need to hibernate is coming from me not from anything they are doing. I have told them all about Bluelight and the other day one of my friends said that she was feeling a little jealous--that it seemed like I talked more to people on here than I do to my friends IRL.

uh-oh. It's true. I do talk more here about my emotional life than I do with my friends or even family. I have never felt like it is a problem because I know exactly why it is easier to talk on here--I don't have to worry about making the person I am talking to feel sad and then have the built-in (for me at least) response of having to cheer them back up. So, on BL I type my feelings onto a screen and there is the very comforting distance between my words and any typed response I may get.

The truth is I want to run away and hibernate. I keep going back to this fantasy because I cannot seem to integrate myself back into my life and yet I have to. It feels self-centered to decline spending time with my friends because I can't face being eternally on the verge of tears around them. It's easier to be alone and to come here and to see people in limited doses. Just going to work every day seems to put me over my limit.This is feeling more like a rambling rant at this point.
 
my friend irl died monday...we knew it was coming. she was sick for a while. but i have little experience w/ death irl-usually an elderly family member. This was hard bc she was a dealer of mine-as well as friend-my gf and I would hang out there-sleep in their spare bedroom when we needed to get away.but when I got clean I distanced myself from her and the situation.now I feel so guilty. I just couldn't risk being in an environment where I KNOW would end up shooting up 100mg morphine pills. i didn't call bc she was in bad shape-didn't really know what was going on-she had COPD and cancer for over a year.
Even though I distanced myself from her to save myself,I have been affected by her passing more than I thought. I am unsettled in my pain and just now learning about grief irl. Idk how to feel,how to make peace. there was no wake-no funeral. just cremation,per her wishes. I am scared bc I am realizing that this IS part of life. I've lost several members,here-Caleb's death hit me hardest. But now I see irl,this is something I will have to accept and deal with and at 35 I feel way behind the times.I am crying now and don't know what else to say. I just needed to get it off my chest. thanks for reading.
Much peace and love.................skillz <3
 
Hi, Skillz, I'm really sorry. All I can say right now is that it is good to cry. No words of wisdom except to say do whatever you can to combat the guilt that may keep cropping up no matter what your rational brain tells you. (You know why you had to distance yourself and you know it was a necessary decision.) Much peace and love back to you.<3:(<3
 
herbavore said:
So, it is Friday night and I have had plans all week to go out with a friend to another friend's art opening. For the past two days I have been actually trying to think up some excuse so that I don't have to go. When I got home from work the plan had morphed into a whole group of friends going together and I got in a complete panic but at least I wasn't dishonest--I did tell the truth about why I couldn't go: I am having a really hard time seeing people in groups and it is starting to scare me. I have always had a pretty full social life with my friends. These are all good friends, good people that say that they don't care if I cry or if I need to talk about Caleb or not talk about him. In fact, they encourage me to talk about him and my feelings more than I do. The need to hibernate is coming from me not from anything they are doing. I have told them all about Bluelight and the other day one of my friends said that she was feeling a little jealous--that it seemed like I talked more to people on here than I do to my friends IRL.

uh-oh. It's true. I do talk more here about my emotional life than I do with my friends or even family. I have never felt like it is a problem because I know exactly why it is easier to talk on here I didn't have to worry about making the person I was talking to feel sad and then have the built-in (for me at least) response of having to cheer them back up. So, on BL I type my feelings onto a screen and there is the very comforting distance between my words and any typed response I may get.

The truth is I want to run away and hibernate. I keep going back to this fantasy because I cannot seem to integrate myself back into my life and yet I have to. It feels self-centered to decline spending time with my friends because I can't face being eternally on the verge of tears around them. It's easier to be alone and to come here and to see people in limited doses. Just going to work every day seems to put me over my limit.This is feeling more like a rambling rant at this point.
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^ TDS and BL was how I coped for a long time. I do feel as if it is easier then talking to friends and family irl. On a screen with people that have been through a lot of what I had without worrying about their reaction. TBH I had enough to deal with then having to take them in my real life in consideration. Sounds selfish but was necessary for my sanity and healing at the time. I was able to connect without it being so open and out there irl. I was able to talk freely without judgement or having to watch how my feelings would hurt my friends and family irl. So to me it sounds like you have found exactly what a lot of us do in these type situations. We are lucky to have each other and this board. It saves people and lives daily. It is a special safe haven for a lot of grieving people and hurt souls imo. I really cherish your posts herbovore. You have a lot of heart and strength in you that I don't even know that you see.
A close friend of mine showed me an exercise to make me stronger within myself, and how to love myself again after losing my husband. I went to a mirror and told myself I was a beautiful person and I deserved happiness. I was not at fault and I would never forget my loved one but I would try to say I forgave myself for him dying. (even though some of you who are not dealing with an OD death its different) sometimes like myself we tend to blame ourselves. Which makes us hermit into ourselves even more. The exercise seemed silly at the time, but did help. I find myself going back and doing this from time to time when I need too. Just to regain my strength and faith in myself.
 
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Herbavore and Stella, I also use TDS and BL to cope. I completely agree with it being easier online without the added worry and pressure of how to be with friends, how will they react, can they cope, should I be doing this or saying that, can I cry, what will they think if I do or if I don't.. I just find it impossible, I don't want to see them :( BL has been my saviour though and the online friends I have made here are very real to me. This really is a haven <3

I think I have reached a point where I really need to start reaching out to people in real life too.. I've had to take a break from here even, had hit rock bottom but I'm staying with my parents at the moment, letting them prop me up for a while then I am going to make an attempt to start living a life outside my bedroom and a computer screen. That doesn't mean I am going away, I will need you guys more than ever I think! But I would like to try to get some kind of balance back into my life.. it has been just over 3 months since Dave died and I can't hide away anymore.. I am scared though :(

I actually came to post something different, but what you two both said really struck a chord with me..

Skillz, I am so sorry for your loss too :( <3 try not to worry about how you should feel - there is absolutely no right or wrong way. You feel how you feel lovely and it will get better I promise <3



Friday was (would have been? I struggle with tenses) Dave's 26th birthday. He didn't have a very fun one last year so I promised him this year would be amazing. Obviously it can't be.. but his family and friends had planned various activities up in Newcastle to remember him by though, visiting his grave, setting off more skylanterns, having some kind of gathering. I couldn't go though, I am so, so drained and even the thought of it was so much, so I didn't do anything.. and now I feel awful. I wish I had marked it somehow :(

So to mark it a little late I wanted to post this picture. Dave took this for me early on in our relationship, when we were long distance, and I was having a bad day. He did it to cheer me up. R-Pupz was his nickname for me (don't ask, haha..) I want to show everyone what an amazing, loving, caring person he was to mark his birthday <3

daveum.jpg


Thank you Dave for being so wonderful and looking after me so well <3
 
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I'm so glad you posted a picture of Dave, Effie, and it is such a sweet one. The look in his eyes made me cry, so I can imagine what it does to you. It's good that you marked his birthday in your own way and in your own time. His family did what they needed to do and you are doing what you need to do. You know I have always been inspired by how you listen to what your psyche is telling you you need. It is good that you have taken a break, good that you are home and fantastic that you feel ready to try to take a step back out into life with other people again. You really are remarkable and that is what Dave saw in you and what we all do.<3
 
Ok, so here is whats going on for me... I moved in with my grandma and uncle because living with my fiance's family was driving us apart. Thing is, my grandpa died 7 months ago and I dealt with it by just trying to keep it out of my head. I don't know what to do for my grandma, she cries everyday and I want to make it better, I just don't know what to do. I feel like she's reaching out to me and I can't give her what she needs, but I try, but I just don't know if its working. She tells me that im a great help to her, I just don't see how.
 
Dragging myself up again (i hope) been a depressave fucking wreck the last week or so, a single thought or passing moment can be breaking me down to tears, like nowfor instance i want gonna post coz i knew id get upset but better to put it out than hollld it in, I feel blank cant enjoy anything im beginning to loathe it, has been going on for a year but the last few weeks have been intense since a bombshell was dropped on me, Doctor said i need to be out doing things but its a fucking struggle. I just feel like im wasting away over shit that i cant change, im the only one that can help myself by eating, by not drinking by getting out of bed. My relationship depends on this and i know it.. Why cant i find it in me to move on from all the shit and try to return to normality or as close to as il ever come? Its really Killing me inside im sending my kid off to see her mom for a few weeks for some headspace and to try and deal with my shit and salvage my relationship which i fear is already ruined, she swears she loves me and will be there... but i get the feeling that its pitty thats keepin her hangin around although she swears its not, guess im lucky in that respect... But yer genraly sad n bad times for all around me, and the rebound of the fact i know it hurts them to see me in such a hole kills me more, I wish things could go bck just a few years:(
 
Sappy, I am really sorry about your grandfather. I will tell you that one of the best things you can do with a person that is crying in grief is to witness it with an open heart, not trying to cheer the person up or get them to stop--just being with them, listening, holding. It is a miraculous gift and the giver has no idea if what they are doing is helping because it doesn't necessarily stop the tears from continuing. I'm sure that your grandma is grateful for you and can feel your concern as the love that it is. <3

S.M.F.G. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down.:( <3
 
Thanks snow and herby, that makes me feel a lot better, I never knew that just sitting there and letting her cry and listening to her was what im supposed to do. I grieve so much more differently than the people im around so its weird to just let things be sad and go with it.
 
I'm just fucking pathetic, am in emo fucking pain again today my only goal was to have a good day, Couldnt even get that right im ready to fucking pop tears flowin while wririn this knuckle swolen and bleeding (again) from the brick wall,
Ive been thru diciplanary action with my kid she s only allowed to read atm due to the constant shitting all over me when she knows im down,
i really tried to make this day good but fucked it up as usual. IdK what to do or where to turn i just know i need serious help and the kid out of my hair for a while i know it sounds selfish but i need the time. My gf is still here ( i cant see why shed want to be) and im just so dissapointed in myself that i couldnt make today work, and i know my gf is getting over it and doesnt know how much longer she can take it..
in this case id have no choice but to send the kid to her mum or my mum and leave this world... I just worry about the impact that it would have on my mother and kid and S/O:( really hittin rock bottom atm and only a few of you know the story. Just had to write this just now while i felt it.
 
I miss my mother. She passed away last year from lung cancer, and I miss her dearly. We were only mother and son, but she was also my best friend. I could talk to her about anything, literally anything. Her illness in a sense gave me purpose in life, to take care of her. Nothing else in life mattered but to be there for her. And looking back, I did a shit job at that, but I tried and loved her genuinely. I did the best I could.

When she passed away, I lost my sense of purpose. I have no family, I have no girlfriend. It's just my Father and I. I love him, and he loves me, but it's not the same...

I've become so lost and confused. I want to be loved, and in wanting I become weak and fall for anyone that I remotely like and could imagine myself being with, despite being based off of something I know is not really there to begin with...

I can't stop loving what I can't have. I wish I could just be happy with what I have. I'm tired of desiring more, and more, and more only to be let down and hurt.

I want unreasonable things, I want things that can't possibly come true. I want, I want, I want. I just want happiness for myself and everyone. I just want to find someone I can live through and give myself purpose with by making them happy every single waking day.

Despite all this...a simple hug and kiss from a beautiful stranger would lift my spirits so high. I just want to know it's going to be alright in the end, I just want to know I'll eventually be truly happy and at peace with myself one day. Just tell me I'll find a love so pure and real I'll never doubt it again.
 
Losing a parent is major and losing a mother that was like a best friend to you is even worse. It makes perfect sense that you feel lost and confused. It also makes sense to me that you go into relationships with more need than balance. It is hard to work on regaining a sense of purpose when you are still grieving but ironically that is the best thing you can do. When you were secure with your mother's presence in your life, before she became sick, what did you like to do? What were you pursuing? Are you still involved with those same activities?

I know that for me, what I felt passionate about before (art) literally felt like it got sucked right out of me when my son died. Another friend that lost a child warned me about this and said, "Be prepared to look in completely new directions." I couldn't imagine what she was talking about but I think I am beginning to see. Pay attention to what interests you, regardless of what interested you before your mom died. Your world has been altered. You need to work on finding what you will connect to that has meaning for you--then you will not try to impose more meaning on new relationships before they warrant it. Be especially wary of trying to force yourself to do what anyone else thinks you should be doing if it is not in alignment with your own instincts.

You will be able to be at peace with yourself. No one can love you like a mother but that does not mean that love is not available to you in all the other wonderful ways this world offers it. Work on embracing yourself and your life, even your sadness, so that you can give love yourself. Your mother gave you a beautiful example of how to love. Honor her with taking that into the world and giving it out to others. I have seen through many posts here in TDS that your mother passed on her legacy in you.<3
 
Herbavore, thank you so much for the kind words.

My mother was diagnosed when I was 14, I'm now 20. She lived 4 years longer than any doctor expected her to. When I was 14, I didn't do much. I was never the popular kid, I got picked on when I was younger, never had a lot of friends. Growing up I mostly just played video games, maybe went to a friends house every once in a while, but never had any friends outside of my school. And it was a small school at that.

Never really had any hobbies. Started drinking when I was 15, got into it heavily when I was 16, then started smoking weed when I was 17, gave up drinking for the most part and from there have been exploring drugs while remaining a fair bit responsible. I like music, I play a little guitar but have lost motivation since she passed away. I pick it up for 10 to 15 minutes each day, just to strum some chords and to please my ears by playing what I hear in my head, but that's really it. I remember my mother once telling me I never finish what I start, and I realize more and more it's unfortunately true.

After she passed away I started experimenting heavily with LSD. I'd done it before she passed, but started taking it more and more often after she passed. I was doing it every weekend for a 2 month period and it really fried my brain, made me very outlandish and disconnected. In a way, I feel these experiences helped me improve my quality of life, it helped me realize small things I appreciate more and more. But I also feel it made it worse. Almost like it showed me more than I'd ever want to learn. I can't explain them, I'm not gonna try, but generally the negatives made me feel pitiful for the human race, society, people in general, etc. Made me see life as an inescapable test, even in death. You can imagine how crazy a feeling it must be knowing you can't escape something even in death...it's maddening. I love life, but I hate it just as much as I love it. But I continually find new things to be grateful for, and show me that life is in fact worth living.

I heard a line in a song a few days ago that really stuck. It's from a song called Body and Soul by Thelonious Monster, it goes like this... "I've wanted to kill myself, but I've always been too scared. My life is like sideways rain, swirling around in the air". I've always wanted to kill myself, but I have in fact always been too scared. I wouldn't want to die by my own hands, even though I do sometimes want to die. Life is an experience, good and bad. As sad and depressed as I get sometimes, those beautiful thoughts of perfection keep me going, and wanting see what the next day brings.

Thanks again Herbavore, you're words put a smile on my face and for that I am forever thankful!
 
from a FB post: When you are feeling sorrow, think of something that your loved one did that made you smile. Take a few minutes and enjoy the memory, expand the thought to a feeling . . . a feeling of 'smile', of love, of laughter. Think how enriched you are because of such a memory, such an experience. You hold that smile within you, even through your grief.
 
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