I am still alive at least. I did some heroin for a few months straight. It was very pure which isn't a good thing, I really wish it hadn't been, my tolerance grew so high. When it is pure like that, like 50 - 80% or whatever it ruins your life quicker than ever. At first it was great but then my tolerance grew and it would still be great but I also lost my connection to any of it for now. It has left me feeling more suicidal than I have ever felt. I wish I was dead I truly do, and I mean it, if I died today I'd miss a few friends and they would be sad but I'd be in a better place for sure. Reincarnated as some alien-rabbit on some other planet in a galaxy far away, where opiates don't exist.
And when I was on it I was no longer becoming euphoric, I just felt completely normal - but normal is under-rated. I'd do anything just to be a normal human being, that is really all I want. Like how I used to be when I was just a pothead. That makes me cry. I was just a fun guy back then. I liked to skateboard, snowboard, play hockey, tennis, cycling, hiking, running, yoga, backyard astronomy, reading about eastern mysticism; I was always in the gym. I was always doing something with my day. I woke up, and I would smoke some joints have breakfast and do stuff. My days consisted of doing things. I had a fun social life, way more friends than I ever needed, went to parties on the weekend and stuff. Smoked weed with friends. I do nothing now, I can't even really smoke anymore and I don't interact with the human race very much. I don't like to anymore. I wish I was still just that pothead.
I haven't used any of that H in a week but I have been using oxy, morphine, and dilaudid instead and also picked up an amphetamine habit recently. The amphetamines give me a little bit of energy in withdrawal so that's when I use them. I will use coke as well but not often. Anyways, I am still an addict and my habits have only progressed since I stopped posting here. I stopped writing because I was just high. When you're high, you have it figured out.
I had a good life up until I hurt my back. Kills me to think of where I'd be if that never happened. I'd probably be a millionaire to be honest, but I have nothing. Over some stupid fucking injury that never should have happened. Makes it tough for me to believe in any sort of god anymore. And how I waited two years for health care and by that point was so fed up I had already tried heroin and was addicted to percocets and then just got the prescribed. The first opiate I did was heroin because I figured that it would take away the extreme back pain. It did, and it still does, but I become suicidal without it and it isn't legal as it should be in my view so I can never always have it.
I cannot even feel the pills these days, I can take like 60mg oxy and it will be like a sugar pill. I don't view myself seeing the year through, I really don't. Every day this past week I have done nothing but suffer, it was a long time coming that I would run out again. There is no sign of improvement, this time I've really done it. I feel like I should just quit because I've suffered enough at this point but by quit, at this point I just mean abusing other drugs like coke, speed, psychedelics, whatever... while using painkillers for pain. I feel like I could do it if I still got high recreationally off other stuff to keep me sane. Using any drugs is better than this devil. My prescription was just fine for the first year. I didn't touch H or anything during that time.
I don't like my life anymore. I no longer like myself. I don't really have hope anymore either. I already tried to quit and couldn't, although at one point I could have become a cokehead using the odd oxy instead and that would have been preferable to this monstrosity of a family of drugs. I had an alright youth I guess, looking back, but my life has been ruined by back pain and these stupid drugs now. I just can't do it anymore personally. I am done with life. I have been through withdrawal too many times to keep doing it. I think that this will be my final post. So this is what ended up happening to me. You can consider that I wound up dead, it is just a brief matter of time. I will be in a better place then.
