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The Suicide Support Thread

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Hey guys, I just wanted to pop in here real quick to share a few thoughts I've been having recently.
As some of you may know, I've been struggling with suicide for some time and have failed a few (serious) attempts. I've posted in here a number of times about wanting to end my life and not seeing any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I've been in an increasingly really, really dark place for years with no hopes of it getting anything but worse.
But these past couple of weeks I've started to realize how much life still has to offer to me, and to everyone. For the first time since I was barely a teenager, I'm having days where I actually feel happy. Where I wake up smiling in the morning and go to bed in the evening with a grin on my face.
What I've been doing and what I'm sure has been helping a lot, is I've been adding a lot of structure to my life. I've stopped skipping classes because I was tired or lazy or whatever - I'm just as tired as usual but now I force myself to go, to have full days, to do my work etc, rather than lying in bed feeling like shit. I keep myself busy and I give myself as little time as possible to be alone with my thoughts.
Another thing that's made a massive difference is I've started exercising daily. I'm lucky enough to be able to afford a gym membership through my university and I make sure to go there at least one hour every day. Even if you can't afford that, it's easy enough to put on some trainers and pop down for a run around the neighborhood. Not only does exercising make me feel better about myself, it gives me a more positive outlook on life in general, makes me feel refreshed, and also contributes to keeping that structure in my life.
I've also been focusing on things that I used to love doing but that I'd dropped because of depression. I used to play a lot of guitar and write a lot but I've barely done either since last summer because I just didn't feel like it anymore. I've been making myself practice guitar at least 30mn a day, and I've started a blog to which I'll add a new entry every day, to motivate myself to write on a very regular basis. I've only been doing this a week or two and I can already feel that my love for both hobbies is starting to grow back.

If there's any advice I can give anyone who posts here, it's to do what I did. I feel so much better and it's only been a matter of weeks. About a month ago I was contemplating suicide but now I'm actually looking forward to the future. It's amazing.
Anyway, I really hope this post might help at least one person. Hang on everyone. <3
 
all i have to look forward to is getting high i have no other real interests in life
 
I don't believe that mrflowers. I think the drugs and depression have drained you of your interests as they did mine, so it may seem like you've never had any, and I believe you when you say you don't have any now - but there's nothing you can't find again if you put your heart to it.

It's also never too late to start something new. Hang in there, nothing's definite.
 
It's good to see you're feeling better Pagey

I wish routine and exercise had a similar effect on me, but eh
 
I think about suicide alot, wanted to go through with it some years back. Aquired fentanyl, propofol and some clonazepam, figured this would make a peaceful end. However, fear of death, or rather fear of the unknown prevented me from doing it. I know for a fact that things can always get worse, I've learnt this the hard way several times by misstakes I've made and some bad luck along the way. Well, what's waiting for us beyond no one can know for sure. Who's to say the grass will be greener on the other side of the hill. The hill probably doesn't even exist. However this life is the only one I will have, and no matter how shitty it is now, I hope I will be able to look back at it one day and thank myself for not throwing it all away for what probably is nothing. Something has to be better than nothing, even if sometimes when I go to bed I still think nothing would beat waking up the next day (I suffer alot of physical pain, waking up I feel like I've been sleeping on glass shards). But something might happen during that day to make the pain worth enduring. Even if it doesn't, that's not to say there will be something to at least make me smile the day after that. When it happens, and I know for certain it will sometime, I can take comfort in that I never did throw it all away for uncertain nothingness.
 
^Thank you for posting that, Toz. <3 It's something that I really needed to read right now.
 
When talking about suicide,do people in the U.K.say"Top yourself"?In the states we say off yourself...The significance of this questions lies within some responses to threads I've seen.
 
Ambulance is on it's way to pick me up so i'll be qucik, I am suffering severe symptoms of something unknown, I have exploding pain in my left arm and fever spiked from 37.2 to ~40c in minutes, i feel llike i am burning up and the pain is just overwhelming
also trouble oving my legs and it gets more and more severe

What i want to say is i felt depressed earlier today, wrote that I didn't feel like being alive nor dead. Well, faced with this I am terrified I actually might die, because even if I utter the words, it's fucking bullshit when faced with a situation like this, trust me you will not embrace it, only think of what a waste it would be

now Ishould get picked up soon
 
^^omfg!
I hope everything is ok. update us please... much love to you.
 
I hope you're okay Toz.

I wonder what the point of living is if you can't love yourself and if you can't be happy being with yourself. I don't know what's been happening to me this week-end. I feel like I'm slowly losing bits of myself and everything that kept me connected to this world. I just don't want to be a part of it anymore. I've been thinking about my mom and sister and how it'll be for them without me, but they'll be so much better off so it's all right. I'll just be doing everyone a favor, includng myself.
 
^^ I'm glad we talked tonight. I'm always available and you can reach me anytime. you know how <3
 
Pagey said:
I wonder what the point of living is if you can't love yourself and if you can't be happy being with yourself. I don't know what's been happening to me this week-end. I feel like I'm slowly losing bits of myself and everything that kept me connected to this world. I just don't want to be a part of it anymore. I've been thinking about my mom and sister and how it'll be for them without me, but they'll be so much better off so it's all right. I'll just be doing everyone a favor, includng myself.
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First off, I wanted to say that the point of living, if you don't love yourself in this very moment (it's not that you can't, because you can!) and aren't happy with yourself in the present, is to work on a daily basis to try to learn how, and to attain the level of happiness I am only now beginning to move into (it's a process that has begun for me and might take a while to complete but I am patient).

At one point in my life, I was convinced I would never love myself, and that I'd never be happy being myself. That was probably about 8-10 years ago, and I have a completely different outlook on life. I have learned to love myself (it wasn't something that I attained in a minute, hour or day, it took years of work to get here) and how to be happy living the life I have. And no matter how bad I felt for so long, it was worth it to get to this point.

You absolutely owe it to yourself to try every day to get to this point. What's the worst that can happen? It's 100% worth it to try and to fail at something, than to not try at all for fear of failure. I have experienced this myself first hand, and don't mind failing and trying again and again in the process of achieving greatness.

<3

I also wanted to let you know that thoughts such as "I don't want to live in this world anymore", and "my friends/family would be better off without me" are thoughts that are a result of being depressed, and if you weren't depressed, you most likely would not be thinking such things.

It's OK to recognize that there are parts of life that are unpleasant, but trust me, they are only hurdles in the track of life, and there are much bigger and better things than simple hurdles in life.
 
My drug addiction is a self perpetuated suicidal kind of behaviour. I always wanted to see if i could take more. And more. And where it would take me. No matter the drug. Getting clean now though. Finding a purpose helps, i have the chance to graduate from University this year if i can just manage to keep it together... if not i will have no evident purpose except to just exist and use drugs......or not.

Wish me luck, I will need it this year will be very hard.
 
Pagey said:
I hope you're okay Toz.

I wonder what the point of living is if you can't love yourself and if you can't be happy being with yourself. I don't know what's been happening to me this week-end. I feel like I'm slowly losing bits of myself and everything that kept me connected to this world. I just don't want to be a part of it anymore. I've been thinking about my mom and sister and how it'll be for them without me, but they'll be so much better off so it's all right. I'll just be doing everyone a favor, includng myself.
Click to expand...

I'm not ok mentally. Physically I am now better, still have 38.0 fever but other problems are almost gone. I am home again. It was some really bad luck (all explained in bdd social + how I felt earlier today), well my decision to do drugs in the first place caused it so a bad decision also, but mostly luck that fucked me over this time. As usually. I feel like I am the unluckies guy in the world. I even got hit by lightning once. Customs open all my stuff I buy online, there has not been a single exception since I first bought things of the net at the age of 15. Some weeks ago one package with tracking has dissappeared into thin air. I get broken stuff often. If there is a single shard of glass on the beach, I will be stepping on it.

However, I am often quite lucky when gambling. So at least there is some compensation. Bought lottery tickets on my way home from the hospital, figured all else went to shit so what more could go wrong. Nothing, I won 17 euro, not much but still made me smile.
 
Abject said:
I think I'm going to kill myself soon.
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I told this to my parents today because I thought everything was shit, or not killing myself (I would never commit suicide unless terminally ill), but just screwing it all and going back to my old life which would mean prison or death sooner or later. My dad then told me I was a fucking coward and a moron, that life isn't always great, most times it is bad, if you do not endure the bad times, you will miss out on the good ones too. Throwing it all away is stupid even if there are no good moments at this specific time. There is always something you can do to make it a little bit better, you just have to find it. My dad is dying, has had 4 heartattacks, can not walk, has a machine to breath for him while he sleeps, can't make it to the bathroom alone sometimes and still he continues to work over 65 years of age though he could have retired looong ago. He says this is what keeps him from fading away, otherwise he would just be another dying patiens with anxiety and depression and nothing else on his mind than pain.

A reality check can be good sometimes, I think. Please don't read my post as condescending, you are still here and have not given up yet <3. Don't throw it away. That things could be worse won't make you happier, but sometimes it can be good to reminded of.

This kept me from doing reckless amounts of drugs today, as I had originally planned. I guess I felt kind of embarrased and stupid, if he can go on and never ever complain, at the very least I should keep trying. Sometimes a reality check is needed. Somtimes it's also good to get a perspective, while you may think your suffering is impossible to endure, I guarantee you someone else is worse off and still kicking. If they can do it, surely it must be possible. It can't all be bad all the time. You just need to find your place, which may take time. I have yet not found mine.

You have to find something to keep moving forward during the days, it's hard, today I could find none. But look hard enough and you will see, I promise. It can be a simple thing as taking a walk through the forest, I usually do this when really depressed. It's beautifull here where I live and if I feel down, I'll try to remember my happy moments, either by revisiting places or activites that I have fond memories of.

I understand suicide as I have thought alot about it, I have watched over a close relative suffering from locked in syndrome (read up on it if you want to see that things could be alot worse) for 4 years. In this case I approve of suicide (unfortunately government did not), I think there is no point in suffering when there is nothing you can do. I suffered with her as she just faded away and the last words she blinked was "please kill me"
But while you still have control, there is always another option. You just have to try and see it. I have seen alot of misery in my life, still I feel sorry for myself alot, I try to remind myself that my problems will one day end, and that what may be hell for me at the moment, could be feeling like heaven for someone else. It's not all bad.

I understand your problems are your own, and the misery you experience is most definitly of the worst kind, but to me or someone else, it might not be so bad. Or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, our problems are our own, and we only think thinks can not get worse untill they do. I have no idea what you suffer from, but if you don't find anything positive at the moment. At least try and think of the things you have that some other people may not. It helps me at least.
 
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i hate that drugs have been more important to me than myself if i could take it all back i would but now all i can do is accept my situation
 
mrflowers00 said:
i hate that drugs have been more important to me than myself if i could take it all back i would but now all i can do is accept my situation
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You can always make changes in your life to put yourself as your #1 priority. :)

PM me if you need some help with that ok?
 
mrflowers00 said:
i hate that drugs have been more important to me than myself if i could take it all back i would but now all i can do is accept my situation
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There's always time to change, no matter what anyone says. You're a great person and you have the ability to make changes. If there's a will there certainly is a way. If you want to overcome your situation, you will. Please don't hurt yourself over it though flowers <3
 
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