the quiet...late night drug fuelled discussions with your doppleganger

P

pinger

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 23, 1999
Messages
1,408
stoned; ramblings; fucked;

the other night during a conversation, a good friend of mine who doesn’t take pills asked me why i took ecstasy. i plainly struggled to articulate my emotions, without it sounding like a glowing info-mercial or a guilty justification of ecstasy. which frustrated and intrigued me nonetheless.

which logically led me to ponder for myself the reason(s) i do take e. this line of thought is not new to me, i have been flicking it around my drug use for years like a cat with a dead mouse. It has been a progression of analyses of what really makes me tick. after all, taking drugs usually strikes at the heart of what makes us happy, sad, laugh and cry pretty quickly. it is the stimulus to a response. it’s the reason and the answer and the problem.
i’ve come to realise that for me e is a release (an escape?).
what about me? educated, rewarded, rounded, secure, sated. but occasionally i take e to get away from it.

so why?

well, that’s a bit harder isn’t it. i am a firm believer in what the dalai llama says about happiness, in that if you compare yourself to other people you will never truly be happy. that’s not to say we don’t all do it in some small way or another (consciously ot otherwise), but hanging your self image in direct competition to what the world puts on display in the shop window is a dangerous process. so, i don’t take e to improve my self image, happiness, confidence or other. but that’s not to say i don’t enjoy the leg up it gives me in these areas at the same time.

reverting to old tricks (something i ALWAYS do to prospective girlfriends), i looked at my bookshelf at home and wrote down the books i’ve loved the most, and it doesn’t take sigmund freud to start to join the dots. a selection of faves?- hunter s thompson, kesey, kerouac. what made their stories affecting, intoxicating, and liberating for me? it was their very prescence, which naturally disagreed with everything society threw at them as important at the time. morals, possessions, authority didn’t add up for these guys. they weren’t born with these attitudes, but they were forced to rail against them by the very unique nature of the blood in their veins. you see it’s that unintentional inability to fit "into the programming" (apologies vietvet) which holds me fascinated. certain people walk to a completely different remix than most. the anti-norm. counter-conformist. weird fuckers

just to qualify that i’m not comparing myself to these people, just what attracts me to their persona’s.

so it’s this freedom that these guys seems to capture (although at the time i’m sure middle america considered them mad). but freedom from what? i’m not oppressed. i’m as apathetic as the next australian (sorry, the oz tourism commission likes to call it "laid back ocker charm"). i’m not trapped by a mortgage or relationship or contract. i’m educated and empowered to excercise free will. i’m financially secure, enough to pack up and travel for a couple of years. i choose to do the work i do. i choose to stay on the left hand side of the road. friend or not, my choice. eat that meat pie, toss a coin. another beer, think i will.

so where am i escaping to? well, it’s like a void really. a place with no noise. just me. selfish i know. you must know it too. the feeling when you are on the dancefloor, with the music and lasers and people just going nuts until it almost gets too much and you clench your eyes shut. youve lost identity, and purposeful consciousness. you notice your scalp is sweating. That helps, and you relax. with your eyes closed you suddenly really notice the bass. fluffy and edible. and the bass melts into vibrations which buzz your skin like the fluttering of millions of little bee wings. you could be anywhere. you probably are. then you don’t notice the bass but now your tuned to that irregular snare roll that hits on the left and slides to the right. it sounds wide. that’s gone too and your left with the synthesised beats, which clamour for a moment within chaos before your brain grabs the snapping hose. now you’ve got the irregular bleeps and bleats syncopating until they fade out. and all that goes and it’s just quiet. spooky, brilliant quiet. a cocoon, a womb. you can still feel the music and energy but they are less a reality than the void now in which is your primary environment. your mind is unrestrained but it doesn’t want to go anywhere...

your own little world. fortress, whatever. it’s a curious place, and i’m getting better at finding with all sorts of drugs and exploring. i’m finding out alot about myself in the process, some good some bad. i may have my head up my arse literally but at least i understand and control the process.

so yeah, for me i think it’s about the quiet. the freedom and the escape. a state i’m learning to find with meditation rather than drugs, but certainly a place i don’t think i would have found without drugs. ive always experimented in moderation with drugs. "breadth not depth" is a quote my mate always uses to define my drugtaking resume. so it looks like my drug taking is becoming more introverted. less time running around massaging strangers and asking them questions, more time massaging my own brain and prodding it for some answers.

and in a way i see why there are candy kids. i’m kinda there myself, a cerebral candy kid, regressing mentally, lessening the noise, finding a simpler place. looking for those memories i’ve locked away, the imagination i’ve conditioned from me. it’s locked away well. but we only put good locks on things that are valuable.

so what about you, whispering reader...
are you killing pain? does it help you to forget?
are you seeking to belong? do you need to feel?
are you looking for yourself? does e get you closer?
are you capturing your youth? do you bathe in false imagination?
are you escaping your youth? can you push through the wait?

pinger
curiousity is the lust of the mind- someone
 
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OK... that settles it. I have got to meet you Pinger, you are truly awesome. See you Sunday.
BigTrancer
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ok ok ,
i hate it when these questions are asked as i feel compelled to not justify why i do what i do , but just respond.
I am , as one would say, looking for more. Yes I have a direction in life , but is it what i want? Who the fuck but me can answer that? So you then have these moments to yourself. Alone within a big group of people : reaching , smiling , laughing =>escaping yet returning at the same time.
It could be seen by some as a release from the mundane , from conforming to what your peers see as right. What i see is a lesson in your own being. Who you are and what you want can sometimes be more easily defined when up.
A tool;yes. Fucking good hedonistic fun; yes
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As well it does appeal to the 'lets see where this little fella takes us tonite' part of my brain. All in all e has taught me to enjoy this shit we call life when I am sober.....to be able to do the things when scattered are easy , but sober they are hard.
But the more I do it , the more I realise how negative it can be. a catch 22 perhaps? much like having a doomsday machine and not telling anyone about it.
 
Alot of things to digest in that post Pinger .
But basically I live by this rule:
"Life you gotta get out of it to get into it"
In Moderation of course.....
Chill
 
Excellent post Pinger. You've compelled me to reply, but it will take longer than I can spare now, so I'll add something worthwhile a little later.
For now: My mother (on mothers day, with me in the midst of a comedown), asked me the same question, "Because look at the state of you now! Does it really make you that happy? Is it really worth it?". From my cracked out, miserable face, a wry smile came through & I just nodded. Somehow, that seemed to answer it for her.
Ben.
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Procrastination is good for the soul.
 
u ask xtremely perceptive questions dood. thanks for posting that becoz u xpress feelings that i feel inside me and think in my head yet i cant seem to talk to people about them or even type them. when i try it just comes out all wrong and confused.
so i ask myself why cant i xpress myself to others? and it troubles me because i have identified this as something i want to change yet dont seem to be able to.
and i think this is one of the reasons i use E and other stuff because it helps me become more how i want.
"to escape the mudane" xpressed it nicely.
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"just pass the vibes on, and take it easy....
 
nice, pinger

we don't have to rebel like whiny teenagers against a real or imagined 'other'. it may just be in our primal nature to peek around the universe, to see what's out there, to surpass ourselves, to transcend ordinary consciousness

there's a tonne of ordinary consciousness out there nowadays, isn't there. we haven't gone THAT far from kerouac's time
is our soul searching going to save the world, is there an altruistic motivation for our experimentation, or is it just a hedonistic pursuit, a hobby, a pastime, to pass the time between the cradle and the grave in stimulating, cyber way that entertains and reinforces our digital-bred minds?

i don't know, we can't see the big picture, maybe we are the crux of a major shift in consciousness, and it's this releasing of our inflexible worldviews that is going to make something BIG happen.
or maybe it's our way of pleasurably bashing ourselves against the wall in a desperate rage against the dying of the light, 21st century style

what you do is who you are, and the way you approach tripping says a lot about the way you approach life. our time is limited on this planet, the one sure thing we have is that we will one day die. what will be left is the soul, and it will exist in whatever space it will exist in or not at all, no one living can be sure.

what are you doing with your days and nights? are you following your personal calling, are you flirting with your destiny, are you shaping your life like a creative piece of art, are you challenging arbitrary limitations, are you indulging in what simply feels good, are you hibernating within a sheltered cocoon to ride out this existence?

we haven't found out how our experiences fit into the psychology and spiritual paths of our lives as human beings yet....
but then again nobody knows why the hell human beings were created.....

once again we are left staring at the void, the infinite mystery that may or may never reveal itself to us, and we do the best we can, we let our lives follow their natural courses, as do the rivers and streams from the mountain tops to the valley floors
be life, be living, follow the pattern set by nature, follow your heart, these are the true markers in the universe that give us true direction. find divinity and perfection where you can......
 
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my reasons for taking drugs are alot more simple than that, i can have fun straight but sometimes you just wanna go whaaaaaaaaaaa, so i drop, it's as simple as that, it's like fuck reality i wanna have the most intense fun for a night, and not have to worry about anything till tomorrow, pills are my poison coz they feel so good, and the harm is minimal compared to some other drugs eg heroin
 
This is a topic I have been wanting to bring up for a long time, but have not known how to bring up. Im turning 16 in 3 days and have been taking E and enjoying the culture for 6 months now. Some people say Im too young, some people say you just shouldnt do it at all. All I know is what it has brought to my life.

I first experience that "oneness" on the dance floor when I was 13, stoned in my living room in front of my large screen sony trinitron screen with a friend, since then I was hooked.

I come from quite a stnge family; On one side my Mum a outgoing, non stop party animal at the age of 45 right into the scene pilling, boyfriends the whole thing, on the otherside my dad, meditation health that whole deal. I have experience that same feeling of inner exploration on both sides, Raving and with Meditation. These experience have opened my eyes and givin me a true understanding of the person I want to be and the life I want to live. A vision I had while Eing once made it obvious. I saw a yellow light shining off the water that looked like a little person dancing he danced and danced and the harder he danced the more everything else started to glow until my/his whole world was glowing. Right at that moment I realised that I just want to be a great person always being the best person I can be, lighting up my whole world living a very enriched life. While I admit its certainly no easy road and progress is gradual I feel ive been able to make some very positive improvments in my self and everyone close to me has noticed the change in me.

Like pinger I have realised that meditation is a great and much more natural way of enriching my self but I still go to partys and E for two reasons. 1. It is my social group and these experience are great with friends etc. 2. Because I love the music, the atmosphere and the whole "party like thiers" no tommorow side of it.

If only some of my non pilling friends and family could understand my motives and what I have gained.

So thier is my two bob and I hope you have been able to except my age and take in what I have been trying to say.

Cheers, have a great time, enjoy life, PLUR.
Mr Be
 
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I wish I could type, than I could write nice long posts like that.
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Simba
 
...why do we pill? Why do artists paint?
The world around me is my canvas,
the pill is my paint.
With thought and imagination,
i paint whats on my mind..........
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My life is simply
Defined by every
Magnificent experience
Acquired by E.
 
every soul connected in some way to a body on earth needs to communicate with other souls. souls do not need water/shelter/food in the way our physical bodies needs these necessitities, in the place where souls exist communication is the only thing that is needed.
this is why you feel happiest when you are loved. love is communication.
this is why you feel happiest when you around good friends. friendship is communication.
this is why you feel happiest when you are e'ing. e'ing helps you to communicate those things inside you which otherwise can't come out.
there is a journey.. from feeling (soul), to thoughts (brain), to actions/words (body). along the way, your feelings get twisted and contorted and squished down into words and actions that don't do the feelings justice because we simply don't have the tools to make them shine. (or the middle part, our thoughts, are too heavily influenced by what we have experienced on earth) When someone comes along (as pinger did) and has that ability it is a great feeling to know that there are some people out there who can make the transition from feeling -> actions/words easier.
let your thoughts go. let your actions be representative of your feelings.
taking e is simply another tool.
 
Stop and question,

By questioning you gain knowledge
and in the end knowledge is power.

Old words but none the less true, pinger beautifully stated what motivates many people on why they e, and I found a bit of myself on why I e to in that post.

I think now as we progress into the new millenia, we are proggressing at a ever increasing pace, in every facet of our lives, be that work, at home, just living, and as a whole it is now a struggle more than ever to "become one with yourself".

Many people know that when they feel there happiest while being on or of drugs, they are contented and happy with who they are as human beings, because the concious brain, being influenced by many inputs such as media, friends, family life, and such is beaten into a exsistence of you have to be this, you have to look like this, you have to earn such and such money to be happy. Then you begin living in a exsistence of trying to be all these predetermined ideals and you forget who you are and you. Overall you become unhappy and disheartened, then you stop and think who the hell am I.

But underneath all of that hidden away lies is who we are as spiritual human beings, it may change, but who you are is allways there. As pinger said drugs is one way of finding this inner self, this is why for most people they take drugs, and while they are high rolling, speeding, they are content with who they are as human beings and rediscovering once again who they are because the drug, meditation has put your concious brain to sleep and you forget these predetermined ideals. You just dance and you feel like you are in your own world, you sit back and twiddle your toes in absoloute bliss, you relax you breath you feel so focused and at ease. But most of all you feel happy safe and one with yourself.

Overall taking drugs for most people is not about being cool or hip, it is about finding happiness, finding that little oasis on the dancefloor, and just being one with yourself, because I think more than ever we are loosing our selves, and we give anything to have that contentment and happiness with ourselves back.
R0amer
 
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Stop and question,
By questioning you gain knowledge
and in the end knowledge is power.
Old words but none the less true, pinger beautifully stated what motivates many people on why they e, and I found a bit of myself on why I e to in that post.
I think now as we progress into the new millenia, we are proggressing at a ever increasing pace, in every facet of our lives, be that work, at home, just living, and as a whole it is now a struggle more than ever to "become one with yourself".
Many people know that when they feel there happiest while being on or of drugs, they are contented and happy with who they are as human beings, because the concious brain, being influenced by many inputs such as media, friends, family life, and such is beaten into a exsistence of you have to be this, you have to look like this, you have to earn such and such money to be happy. Then you begin living in a exsistence of trying to be all these predetermined ideals and you forget who you are and you. Overall you become unhappy and disheartened, then you stop and think who the hell am I.
But underneath all of that hidden away lies is who we are as spiritual human beings, it may change, but who you are is allways there. As pinger said drugs is one way of finding this inner self, this is why for most people they take drugs, and while they are high rolling, speeding, they are content with who they are as human beings and rediscovering once again who they are because the drug, meditation has put your concious brain to sleep and you forget these predetermined ideals. You just dance and you feel like you are in your own world, you sit back and twiddle your toes in absoloute bliss, you relax you breath you feel so focused and at ease. But most of all you feel happy safe and one with yourself.
Overall taking drugs for most people is not about being cool or hip, it is about finding happiness, finding that little oasis on the dancefloor, and just being one with yourself, because I think more than ever we are loosing our selves, and we give anything to have that contentment and happiness with ourselves back.
R0amer
 
Just wanted to say that I am very impressed by peoples understanding dangermouse and ROamers great posts and its good to see that there are people think about what thier doing (
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)
 
Once again i am wondering when this kind of creative genius is going to reach my mailexcite inbox as a contribution to my propsed novel...?
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"Remember where you lost it..."
 
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