whiteroom67
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2014
- Messages
- 337
I'll start off by saying that without a doubt I am a big believer in the benefits of psychedelics if used responsibly. Anyone who has read any of my other posts relating to psychedelics (including my "Ayahuasca in Ecuador" thread), probably knows this already. I think psychedelics have a LOT of potential benefits for mental, emotional and spiritual growth. It can mature you beyond your years. It can provide years worth of therapeutic benefit in the time span of only a few hours. But they DEFINITELY have their risks too, no doubt, as I have discovered and you will soon see as well. Having said all that, I'm also NOT one of those that thinks psychedelic use always has to be some sort of serious spiritual undertaking. Sometimes it can be fun. Let it be fun. When I use psychedelics, which for me is maybe an average of once every month or two, about half of that time is fun, and the other half turns out to be pretty spiritual, or more on the serious side. I don't ever go into it with either of those intentions, I just make sure my set and setting is what it should be and the ratio of spiritual vs fun just kinda works out like that... more or less 1:1.
Also, a little background leading up to this point regarding my mindset. I had recently read the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, and it had a profound effect on me. I felt as if I was instantly able to tune into what he was teaching and it really changed my life in a HUGE way directly after reading it. For some reason, it was very easy for me to do what he preached about staying present, staying aware of excessive thoughts and feelings which are created by the ego, and by watching them, they would go away. Being suddenly aware of this changed my life and I felt almost like a new person. I had also just physically kicked an oxycodone addiction, and looking at the 12 steps, realized my higher power was the Now, pure presence, that which Tolle had spoken about in his book. I felt on top of the world. I felt in total control of my wgo, but I knew not to lt it get to me, because of course again that would be my ego. Through all of this, I just felt great, changed, amazing, egoless. Nothing bothered me anymore the way I used to and I didn't even think of using. Although it was around this time I discovered Kratom, and enjoyed it, but only used it once a day, after work and after the gym, in just one small dose (around 4 or 5 grams), just as the typical person may have a glass of wine at the end of the night - in other words, no big deal and hardly any dependence on it. Regardless, I felt great and in total control of my ego and my life, and was happy to accept anything and everything at any moment in time, merging with the present constantly and effortlessly. I also, still liked psychedelics and used them like I said above, maybe once every month or two, in low to moderate doses, just for my own recreational/spiritual use (I prefer tripping alone most of the time).
And so, with that said here is the dilemma that I created for myself. LSD is much different than shrooms for me. For most people yes of course they are different, but what I mean specifically is shrooms can provide amazing insight and have nice after effects, but it is just a psychological change of perspective. With LSD on the other hand, the after effects actual feel physical. Like an actual rewiring of my brain. And out of this, I got myself into a little bit of an issue...
Before the experience I'm about to tell you about, it had been a LONG time since I had last taken LSD - like years, but I had taken shrooms a couple of times in the months prior and had great trips. Well, for the first time in years, almost a year ago, I finally took LSD...
It wasn't a good day to take LSD.
My parents were out of town, and had just left that day. My brother was underage at the time. His good friend was also underage. But I considered them smart, and mature for their age - stupid me. Reckless me. That day, around 11 AM, we each dropped a tab, it was both of their first times. I had my doubts but since I felt so great and in control all the time, and they seemed ready for it, I figured it was no big deal. Another wonderful facet to this adventure however is the fact that my brother was planning on having a RAGER later that very same night. None of this bothered me before the trip kicked in. After all, we only took one tab each.
Well, the trip kicked in, and THAT was when I suddenly realized, I am now responsible for these 16 year-olds tripping on acid in my house, and would soon also be responsible for 40 more 16 year-olds drinking in my house later that same night, WHILE I WAS ON ACID. As I peaked, I saw my brother and friend not as the smart, mature kids for their age anymore, but as 16 year olds acting like 16 year olds... doing retarded stuff, weird stuff, playing with knives, slapping themselves in the face as hard as they could, stuff that made me realize I as a legal adult was responsible for these fucking kids. I just wanted bliss, to enhance my spirituality, but I could not do that now - as I was now ACUTELY aware of how responsible I was for such a bad decision. All the while, also thinking about what would be going on less than 8 hours from now, with tons more of these kids in my house drinking. Not to mention the fact that, at that time, I had tons of other illegal drugs in the house - what the fuck was I thinking this day? Thinking back, I was a fucking idiot for thinking I could put myself in this situation and have a "blissful and spiritua; experience." I didn't really think of any of this before, until the acid kicked in. THEN I was aware of what a bad decision this as. The acid MADE me aware. The trip itself was basically just nonstop paranoid anxiety all the way through. The music they were blasting that I can't stand (EDM) didn't help either, and the kids also started showing up early to party. Everything did turn out fine in the end, and looking back I guess it's a good story, but at the time, all I could think and FEEL was that something terrible would happen.
Well, the problem is, that trip stuck with me. Starting the very next day (if not the same day), I was no longer the joyful, blissful egoless being enjoying pure consciousness etc as I was before that trip. Up till even now (though now it's not nearly as bad - it's much netter than it was like 8 months ago), that ego voice would consume me all day. I would be angrier, more irritable, more anxious, more depressed, less fulfilled, and less present now. Even when I tied, that ego voice seemed stronger and it is not easy like it was before the trip to feel open and spiritual. I was no longer tolerant of things, no longer as patient, or as accepting. I basically feel like that trip brought me way backwards in my spiritual development. I have also since then relapsed on opiates and quit again (I am clean, with the exception of low-moderate Kratom use) but feel more mentally dependent on things now, of course. That trip really did fuck me.... and it was my own fault for being irresponsible... on so many levels.
My dilemma is now... I have been scared, and still am to consider the possible solution... I haven't done LSD since then. I have done shrooms a couple times, but the trips weren't as good, though they weren't horrible... I have also gone to Ecuador and done Ayahuasca, and while it was a great, if intense experience, it didn't change or help that negative rewiring of my brain I seemed to experience from LSD.
So my question is, now that some time has passed and I still haven't returned to my amazing mental and spiritual state I possessed beforehand, should I return to the source and use LSD to try and reverse this? To bring myself up to a more positive "vibration" if you want to call it that? Possibly use a small amount of MDMA to ensure a positive experience during the peak/comedown? It is risky I know. It could make things worse, or it could make them better. I would be by myself for the trip (what I usually prefer), with the right set and setting this time FOR SURE, and I would focus the trip on bringing me back to where I was before this shitty ass trip that happened almost a year ago, which unfortunately seemed to affect me long term like this.
Good idea? Bad idea? Opinions please?
Also, another option I was considering was... Iboga.
Anyone else have this type of experience before?
Also, a little background leading up to this point regarding my mindset. I had recently read the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, and it had a profound effect on me. I felt as if I was instantly able to tune into what he was teaching and it really changed my life in a HUGE way directly after reading it. For some reason, it was very easy for me to do what he preached about staying present, staying aware of excessive thoughts and feelings which are created by the ego, and by watching them, they would go away. Being suddenly aware of this changed my life and I felt almost like a new person. I had also just physically kicked an oxycodone addiction, and looking at the 12 steps, realized my higher power was the Now, pure presence, that which Tolle had spoken about in his book. I felt on top of the world. I felt in total control of my wgo, but I knew not to lt it get to me, because of course again that would be my ego. Through all of this, I just felt great, changed, amazing, egoless. Nothing bothered me anymore the way I used to and I didn't even think of using. Although it was around this time I discovered Kratom, and enjoyed it, but only used it once a day, after work and after the gym, in just one small dose (around 4 or 5 grams), just as the typical person may have a glass of wine at the end of the night - in other words, no big deal and hardly any dependence on it. Regardless, I felt great and in total control of my ego and my life, and was happy to accept anything and everything at any moment in time, merging with the present constantly and effortlessly. I also, still liked psychedelics and used them like I said above, maybe once every month or two, in low to moderate doses, just for my own recreational/spiritual use (I prefer tripping alone most of the time).
And so, with that said here is the dilemma that I created for myself. LSD is much different than shrooms for me. For most people yes of course they are different, but what I mean specifically is shrooms can provide amazing insight and have nice after effects, but it is just a psychological change of perspective. With LSD on the other hand, the after effects actual feel physical. Like an actual rewiring of my brain. And out of this, I got myself into a little bit of an issue...
Before the experience I'm about to tell you about, it had been a LONG time since I had last taken LSD - like years, but I had taken shrooms a couple of times in the months prior and had great trips. Well, for the first time in years, almost a year ago, I finally took LSD...
It wasn't a good day to take LSD.
My parents were out of town, and had just left that day. My brother was underage at the time. His good friend was also underage. But I considered them smart, and mature for their age - stupid me. Reckless me. That day, around 11 AM, we each dropped a tab, it was both of their first times. I had my doubts but since I felt so great and in control all the time, and they seemed ready for it, I figured it was no big deal. Another wonderful facet to this adventure however is the fact that my brother was planning on having a RAGER later that very same night. None of this bothered me before the trip kicked in. After all, we only took one tab each.
Well, the trip kicked in, and THAT was when I suddenly realized, I am now responsible for these 16 year-olds tripping on acid in my house, and would soon also be responsible for 40 more 16 year-olds drinking in my house later that same night, WHILE I WAS ON ACID. As I peaked, I saw my brother and friend not as the smart, mature kids for their age anymore, but as 16 year olds acting like 16 year olds... doing retarded stuff, weird stuff, playing with knives, slapping themselves in the face as hard as they could, stuff that made me realize I as a legal adult was responsible for these fucking kids. I just wanted bliss, to enhance my spirituality, but I could not do that now - as I was now ACUTELY aware of how responsible I was for such a bad decision. All the while, also thinking about what would be going on less than 8 hours from now, with tons more of these kids in my house drinking. Not to mention the fact that, at that time, I had tons of other illegal drugs in the house - what the fuck was I thinking this day? Thinking back, I was a fucking idiot for thinking I could put myself in this situation and have a "blissful and spiritua; experience." I didn't really think of any of this before, until the acid kicked in. THEN I was aware of what a bad decision this as. The acid MADE me aware. The trip itself was basically just nonstop paranoid anxiety all the way through. The music they were blasting that I can't stand (EDM) didn't help either, and the kids also started showing up early to party. Everything did turn out fine in the end, and looking back I guess it's a good story, but at the time, all I could think and FEEL was that something terrible would happen.
Well, the problem is, that trip stuck with me. Starting the very next day (if not the same day), I was no longer the joyful, blissful egoless being enjoying pure consciousness etc as I was before that trip. Up till even now (though now it's not nearly as bad - it's much netter than it was like 8 months ago), that ego voice would consume me all day. I would be angrier, more irritable, more anxious, more depressed, less fulfilled, and less present now. Even when I tied, that ego voice seemed stronger and it is not easy like it was before the trip to feel open and spiritual. I was no longer tolerant of things, no longer as patient, or as accepting. I basically feel like that trip brought me way backwards in my spiritual development. I have also since then relapsed on opiates and quit again (I am clean, with the exception of low-moderate Kratom use) but feel more mentally dependent on things now, of course. That trip really did fuck me.... and it was my own fault for being irresponsible... on so many levels.
My dilemma is now... I have been scared, and still am to consider the possible solution... I haven't done LSD since then. I have done shrooms a couple times, but the trips weren't as good, though they weren't horrible... I have also gone to Ecuador and done Ayahuasca, and while it was a great, if intense experience, it didn't change or help that negative rewiring of my brain I seemed to experience from LSD.
So my question is, now that some time has passed and I still haven't returned to my amazing mental and spiritual state I possessed beforehand, should I return to the source and use LSD to try and reverse this? To bring myself up to a more positive "vibration" if you want to call it that? Possibly use a small amount of MDMA to ensure a positive experience during the peak/comedown? It is risky I know. It could make things worse, or it could make them better. I would be by myself for the trip (what I usually prefer), with the right set and setting this time FOR SURE, and I would focus the trip on bringing me back to where I was before this shitty ass trip that happened almost a year ago, which unfortunately seemed to affect me long term like this.
Good idea? Bad idea? Opinions please?
Also, another option I was considering was... Iboga.
Anyone else have this type of experience before?
