^ are you on bup' for pain management, or addiction management?
- Hopeless
Pain management, but had to initiate through Chem dependancy that scripted until my doctor could. I expressed that I don't agree with the drug seeking addiction lables, but acknowledge dependancy that when unmanaged leads to desperate action to manage it that is labled as addiction as it's use a doctor didn't provide, but is not fit a rush, to get high, and itch n' nod all of which I dislike. Opiates remove tension and tightness while reducing pain like no other, but because of their reputation even crying in the office in pain begging to provide something that gives me relief and doesn't force me to stay dependant on cannabis I can't afford and would be too expensive to get standardized vs bud n hash. Pretty much the difference of using opium or tar/gunpowder of unknown composition vs prescribed standardized pharmacutical compound.
Basically my last run is going on after quitting for a month last year only for a hospital to tell me to go back on it only for my doctor to mismanage and treat me like an addict the next two months until I hit by a car trying to kill myself as my doctor did not make sure to get my refill sent to the pharmacy as I was out and even with an ambulance taking me to the ER telling the doctors to help me with my pain and that I was not a drug seeker only for the doctor to refuse narcotics and blame me for not having any when I made it clear it was out of my control and did everything I could to get my medication. I ended up walking out announcing I was going to kill myself where the nurse station only responded in laughter and let me walk out hitting my head on the wall on my way out because of the laughter and hoping I would die there only to stroll out without anyone even trying to help me. I ended up hit by a car going 30-40 mph and after the psych ward stay my doctor stopped acting like he was only treating addiction and allowed me to 60 mg opana 5-10 mg a dose 6x for breakthrough and 60+30+30 mg oxycotin for matinance, which I finally stabilized at only for my doctor to retire cutting me off cold turkey back in the beginning of October as I continued just to be considered a drug seeking drug addict, which literally has been the final straw pushing me to rock bottom.
I only got on subs in hoping for pain relief and stability, but have not been able to stabilize on the suboxone as I somewhat did with bupe as without cannabis I get withdrawal symptoms, headaches, and time nausea on top of no relief from multiple issues one being described as sciatic pain in my right leg. I could possibly be stable with cannabis, but it requires 1/4 at least of 18%+ bud that is more indica giving insomnia & pain relief, but most majorly muscle tremors that cause me constant shaking plus 100 mg THC lab tested (@kooalatedibles on Twitter if you want to drool) in edibles for bed every night, which total comes about 80$ a week (not discussing individual pricing, but how much it cost me a week to stay mostly stable). It doesn't sound like much, but for someone who's identity was stolen for over $6,000, abused, and raped without ever getting support or even aid to move away from the SRO where I was raped and where the rapist still lives while the police did nothing, but accuse me of being high, seeking sex, and trying to use police as revenge for not getting what I wanted when in reality I tried taking etizolam, morphine, tar, and rum and when that didn't kill me I tried buying cigarettes for the first and only time in desperation to distract me from the fact that I couldn't kill myself as I've made effort too many times due to chronic pain and life challenges that aren't just temporary and have stolen my life that leaving me unable to move on.
I've been allowed into pain management, aloud to become dependant, and then cut off cold turkey being pushed to methadone, which after I tried I ended up completely unstable, buying razorblades to try to kill myself, and finally even after I was off the methadone I cut my wrist during a time I was being abused by my family, and suboxone because in the doctors opinion it works for pain and is less complicated than pain management yet obviously has only made my life worse.....
I can't even get fucking herb the one week I can't fford it because even though it's medical it's treated as a commodity only reserved for those who work and can afford it like Nixon would say to rationalize alcohol and tobacco use while demonizing cannabis use. Without herb I'm going into withdrawals and getting no pain relief yet if I don't take the sub it will get so bad I'll try to kill myself no matter how much I attempt to push myself through it as I'm going through it alone.
This is because after everything I've been through can't trust anyone following getting raped because someone offered in a time I was not in the right mind to make a decision to start screwing around and hoping just for a shoulder massage and to not be alone thinking about my failed suicide attempt it didn't take me much consideration to say yes where if I did consider things I would never have responded to them saying hello when I was coming back to the hotel from buying cigarettes for the same reason I let him in.
I might have been in collage moving towards a Ph.D in psych and in good physical & mental health had proper medical care from the start rather than neglect and accusations of drug abuse as my parents neglected me as it I was a heroin shooting crack smoker for medical cannabis use and very light psychedelic use, which I can't even engage in now if I wanted to as it only brings me to focus on my pain and inability to function leading me to question the value of life and mine in general being neglected by the world as I constantly make effort to strive as an individual supporting oneself I'm treated as nothing better than a selfish leech as I always need support as the lack of support leads to suicidal ideation yet if I admit anything of suicidal ideation yet not the point of intent the response will be go to psych emergency when thats only for those with intent, ER that usually ends up with me seeing extremely condisending staff who leave me with suicidal intent after seeing then and failing to get any response that no one will work with me and I need to go to my doctor who at this point won't be in until next week, or wait for the public care doctor who hasn't seen me once since starting me in subs 2-3 months ago. The ER will act like everything must be fine if I can get to the hospital and to continue waiting for my doctor and look for community resources, which are not available being completely overloaded with all the homeless in this city where I let them know I don't have resources and the ones they give me are inappropriate while they act like it's not their responsibility they are just supposed to get be breathing and walking out the door.
I'm waiting even now for a call from the health office and getting none. I'm really fucking sick of never getting real sleep as I go to bed in pain with muscle spasms only to wake up withdrawing, in pain, and extreme muscle spasm with tension. Anyone having to live like this would consider suicide I don't care what fucking Zen master someone thinks they are as anyone who been what I have gone through would have killed themselves a long time ago. I would've already succeeded if I wasn't afraid of my last moments alive being miserable torture rather than a general entry to eternal sleep yet the more I go through my life the less I care how it happens and just that I want to it happen not because of just my life problems, but the fact I don't want to be apart of this planet or life in general. I'm just tired and sick if everything and want peace that seems impossible to find in life now making it seem as if I've never had a sense of peace and only false sense of saftey and care.
This world is just a fucked up place and I don't want to be apart of as the majority seem to just accept this lifestyle and that it can't change so just get used to it rather than finding peace so everyone can find and reciece the lifestyle that feels right for them. The only thing that feels right for me now is the idea of eternal slumber, but the act of dying doesn't feel right at least the ways I have available and tried. Hopefully something changes, but after 5 years of individual effort and 19 more years of supported effort I'm pretty much ready to give up hope, which seems to easy with the fent analogs available that I've avoided not only due to dependancy risk.
I never used Heroin or other high potent opioids other than Levomethadone a few times. Only Tramadol, Tilidine, Codeine, DHC and Kratom most of the time so 1mg of Bupe gets me an energizing and very comfortable high. 0,5mg was always enough to maintain and not get WDs.