Inspired by adamski10's post, I thought I would share a personal experience that also made a major impact on my life.
I apologize in advance if this is too long, if it doesn't fit with the thread, or otherwise. If it is, just let me know and I will remove it.
It had been almost a full year since I had gotten back to society from rehab, psychedelics being my DOC but also had gotten in deep with benzos. My younger sister, who had never done drugs and probably never will, asked me to go to a music festival with her. She had always wanted to go to one ever since she saw her big brother going off on multiple occasions to festivals. I bought her and I tickets as a birthday present.
The first two days of the festival went well, even though there was some tension between my sister and me. I knew some of my old using friends would be there and as much as I wanted to say hello to them, I knew my sister would be disappointed in me for associating with them. My sister and I enjoyed many of the bands that played, we danced and jammed and smiled. Sober. I felt cured, in a sense. The urge to use drugs in that setting seemed so far away that I felt invincible to the cravings. Eventually, on the second day, my sister told me she was feeling overwhelmed by the large crowds and all the loud music so she wanted to take a nap in the tent for a while before we went to see some other acts later on that night. She told me to go ahead and continue enjoying the various stages and to come get her for lunch/dinner.
I was out and about, enjoying the music at each stage and really having a great time. Then I ran into my ex-girlfriend whom I had not only used with many times but who I also sold drugs with. It was strange seeing her after so long. She seemed happy to see me, and we talked for a while. She told me about her continued drug use, her recent acquisition of liquid LSD, experimentation of ketamine, and other such things. She also offered me some paper that she recently acquired, but I declined. It was scary to be so close to drugs, to be offered them so readily. And quality stuff too. I felt confused because of course part of me still had feelings for her. I had thought her to be my soul mate until I got clean.
We separated later on and I wandered into a stage where a jazz jam band was playing. It was excellent. I was grinning, just vibing with what the musicians were doing. I was offered to hit a joint by a guy next to me but I smiled and declined. Good vibes all around. Then another guy stumbled through the crowd, practically bumping into me, and whispered into my ear "good liquid L man, five bucks for a trip." My heart was racing. It felt like someone else had been put into the drivers seat of my mind and body. Rather than declining, I said "Is it clean?"
He was pretty messed up. He didn't look like he was on LSD. If anything he looked like he was on GHB or drunk. So I highly doubted that the liquid he was selling was actually LSD. He was on a bit of an ego trip, going on and on about how strong and pure his shit was. I tried to seem indifferent, but I could tell that my tone and body language were manipulative. I told him that I didn't really want to give him money if I didn't know it was real, I said that I would know if it was tasteless or not. I thought this would make him go away, but he persisted, saying that it was real. Finally, he said he'd give me a hit so I could know that it was real and then I could give him the money. He pulled out a dropper and put a drop on my tongue. The shit burned, and I panicked. Then I realized that it was like liquid listerine. I told him that it was fake, that he was just giving out mint drops to people. I told him that it was kinda messed up to be doing that to people since LSD is such a beautiful thing to share with the world. He looked like a punk dealer that was out to scam people. He then told me he was part of "The Family," told me to meet him in Florida for the Marlins game and he'd "take care of me". I started getting scared because not more than 2 months before I had been sexually assaulted by another man. I started thinking that maybe he had given me a hit of GHB or something that would let him take advantage of me. I didn't know how to just tell him to go away, so I started aggravating him. Finally getting pissed off, he put two drops and then an arc on my hand. A smiley face, probably the equivalent of 3-5 hits. Then he yelled at me to go ahead and lick it, and "have a nice fucking trip." Scared shitless and wanting him to leave, I licked it.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have messed with the guy. I shouldn't have pushed him the way I did. In a way, I had it coming to me. But I really didn't know what to do at the time. I faced not only my attraction to drugs but also the close proximity of another guy. I was still getting over the trauma of that event. The guy finally left. I stayed there in the crowd, trying to calm myself down. I tried to convince myself that it was fake and that he was just some fucked up asshole trying to scam people. But sure enough after about 30 minutes, I started to feel strange. The familiar psychedelic come-up was creeping up on me and I became more scared. I decided to leave the stage and go to the tent in the hopes of riding out whatever trip was developing.
By the time I got to the tent, I was feeling increasingly strange. I woke my sister up, and she was happy to see me. She said that we should make sandwiches, so we did. I was strangely quiet, and I could feel that she noticed it. I tried making some small talk, but the sinking feeling in my chest told me that there was going to be no way I could hide the fact that I was on psychedelic drugs from her. So I told her I wasn't feeling well. She turned from carefree and happy to be there with me to concerned. She asked me what I meant. I told her that my stomach was feeling strange, which it was. She asked me if I was feeling sick, and I said sort of but I feel like I'm coming up on drugs. I could see the panic in her face. I tried to calm her down, tried to explain that if I was on drugs, that the effects would be gone in about 6 hours. Of course, the idea of being under the influence of a drug for 6 hours to someone that's never done drugs is even scarier. I told her that someone at one of the stages had offered me a mint and that I accepted it, only to start feeling kinda strange later. She bought the story, so at least she wouldn't think it was a relapse.
When the tracers started, she seemed somewhat amused. She laughed when I told her what the trails looked like and how all the colors were changing. How her face seemed somewhat morphed at times. We were silly for a bit. But then it really hit. I lost all sense of time and place. She kept trying to get me to sleep but I was so stimulated and confused that every time she told me hey, how about we get some sleep? I would say "sleep? what's sleep?" in a joking voice. Then she would be like, "come on, I'm really tired." And I would say "sleep? but I don't want to sleep." It's like I was trying to be cute. I thought I was being funny. But instead I was just acting crazy and making life difficult for her. I started having pseudo-revelations and felt that NEED to write down these answers to the universe. I grabbed my notebook (which is full of respectable reflections and artistic expression) and started scribbling all over the page. My sister had the sense to flip to the back of the notebook so I could go to town without ruining the rest of my work. It was complete gibberish. I would write half of a word in total drivel and then make some kind of line that looked like nothing readable. It looked like the work of a crackhead scribbling on the walls, but at the time I felt accomplished that finally the answers to everything had been discovered and that my life would be perfect from now on. Then I began crying. I cried for everything I had done to myself and my family, I cried because I knew I had lied to my sister, I cried because I thought I would never be able to stop abusing drugs. I cried because I felt alone. I had just lost all my friends after rehab since they were still using and I was not. My family was extremely supportive, however. My sister tried to comfort me, and finally got me to lie down.
When we laid down, I asked her if she could help me get to sleep. So she told me to close my eyes. And suddenly, I felt like I had a realization. I got the knowledge that my sister was a perfect being because she had never done drugs before in her life. She followed my parents rules, went to church, did well in school. She gave me the perfect advice. She was forgiving. Then I thought that my parents were too. That my family was a family of aliens and that now it was time for me to go back home, back to the mothership. It felt like every moment in my life existed just for this. For my last moment knowing that I was not human. That I was actually an alien, and that they were just waiting for me to have the realization. My sister told me to clear my mind, to not allow any thoughts happen. My mind cleared. It was clear black space. Her words were the words of God. She told me to relax my body, to rest. In my mind, I suddenly visualized a huge and vast energy, like a ball of light. I was told by beings from this light that they were the masters of the universe, and that it was time for me to join them. They told me I had nothing to worry about anymore. I started crying silent tears. I let go of everything in my life. I let go of my ego, as I had done many times before. But this time, it was almost taken away from me. I got the notion that everything in the world that we know are signs trying to get us to "ascend" to the higher planes of the masters. And that some of these masters come back to our plane of existence to try and guide people. Then I was shown all the leaders of the world, great musicians, writers, film makers, my best professors. It was shown that they were actually like avatars, versions of the masters moving about in the world, trying to help other people become masters. And then I realized that all humans were avatars, but that the masters that were controlling us had gotten too wrapped up in human pleasures and that was why we experience depression and the inability to accomplish the things we want to. This was all happening while my sister was trying to guide me through a relaxation meditation. I asked her if I was going to die. At the time, I thought her tone of voice was robotic and even, but now that I think back I think she was just tired and annoyed. She said no, I wasn't going to die. Then I had the illusion that my sister was an alien and that she was going to have sex with me and then kill me so that I could join the masters. I felt like she had planned everything and that my parents knew too. I hallucinated that there were lights shining on our tent. I imagined crowds of people gathered right outside, knowing that I was there and that I was reaching the moment where I would reach ultimate knowledge. I heard chanting of my name, I heard chanting of joy. It felt like the world was rejoicing for me, but it felt like some horrible cult that I was a part of that I never wanted to be. I am a Buddhist, but in that moment I had the vision that the only way to reach perfection was to believe in the one God of the Catholic faith that I was brought up in because my parents were perfect and my sister was perfect. That the Catholic religion was actually just the congregation of the true masters. I cried because I wanted to do something great in my life. I saw all the ways I had failed myself in becoming the person I wanted to be and accomplishing the things I wanted to accomplish (which were exaggerated). My sister and I were laying next to each other, and I think we were face to face. I thought "this is it. This is the moment where she rapes me." I think this thought process came from the subconscious thoughts of my own rape (I am male by the way). But just as I was hallucinating she was getting ready to get physical with me and the terror was gripping me, I realized I had to pee so I told her. She seemed pissed off but again, I just think she was annoyed. I felt like this reinforced what I thought was going to happen, that she was annoyed to have to wait to enlighten me. It was the dead of night, but when I exited the tent, it seemed like every molecule in the air glowed. I looked towards the moon and it almost seemed like a distant sun and there was something about the air that was so beautiful, the fog that filtered the light. I had forgotten I was on drugs. It reminded me of being on DMT. I walked to the port-a-potties that were about 20 feet from our tent, but I felt like I was in space. Each step happened so slowly, and I felt like I had so much power. Inside the bathroom as I was peeing, I again thought I heard the entire festival chanting my name. A girl in the campsite yelled "wooooo!" and I thought she was cheering for me. I had the vision that from now on, I could sleep with any woman I wanted because I was a perfect being. But that I had to sleep with my sister first. And even in that fucked up mindset, I thought it was so wrong. I was still terrified but it felt like there was no other choice. It felt like that was just how the world worked and that no one had ever explained it to me before. As I walked back to the tent, I began to gain a small degree of clarity. My sister was already asleep and I left her that way, relieved that I didn't have to sleep with her. Then I lay down and began to face my demons.
As I came down, I began to see the true reality behind all of my actions of that night. The irrational thoughts, the delusions, etc. I knew that I needed to sleep, but I couldn't. Every time I tried, I would see psychedelic images exploding in rapid succession and I would be faced with the severely depressing reality of what I had done. The consequences of my actions seemed worse than death. I contemplated suicide, but knew I wanted to live. I gripped onto reality and breathed. I buried my face in my sleeping bag while in the fetal position and just sat there, letting the psychedelic nightmare gradually subside. Finally, some form of sleep came. I slept for about an hour or two at most. I woke up and suddenly everything was normal. It was definitely not LSD that I took because the comedown was like waking up from a dream. I suspected some tryptamine. It didn't feel like a phenethylamine to me. I woke my sister up and it turned out that we still had time to catch the set of a dj I really wanted to see. I asked her if she still wanted to go and she agreed. As we left the tent, I apologized and told her I was ok now. She agreed and told me that I was spot-on with my prediction. It had been exactly 6 hours. We enjoyed the dj for a little while and my sister told me "it feels like everything is ok now." And that statement meant more than the world to me at that moment. In the afterglow, I saw how I could be a better brother to her, and I saw that there was a possibility of hope for me after this incident.
The following day, I felt brain dead. It felt like there was no serotonin left in my brain, like feeling happy was impossible. I had felt like this once or twice before, and it almost always went away over the day, but this persisted. I back home (I lived in an apartment and she lived in a dorm closeby) a few hours away. After I had been home for a little while, the depression was so intense that I couldn't even cry. I called my sister and told her I needed to see her. When we met up, I couldn't talk. I just cried. I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my life. Finally, I told her the truth. I told her about the guy that gave me the hits, I exposed all my lies. I told her that I understood if she couldn't forgive me. I told her that I didn't think there was any way to recover from this. She grabbed me by the shoulders and told me "There is always a chance to turn things around." Then she took me out to dinner, where I started to feel significantly better. We threw away all the RCs that I had been stockpiling (though I wasn't using, I felt a need to have RCs in my possession) and she agreed not to tell to my parents because she believed that I would make it through and that my parents would make the situation worse. I was 20 at the time.
Although this was an incredibly traumatic experience for both my sister and me, it was what I needed to become fully committed to my abstinence from mind-altering drugs. Before that, I had used 2c-e twice (both times I had small reminders that I did not need to use psychedelics anymore. That the work I had to do was now in the real world, sober.), methylone once, MXE about 3 times, and 5-meo-dmt once. Since then, I have not taken a psychedelic drug and have only smoked pot on three occasions. I would also like to mention that I still practice Buddhism, I do not believe in "ascending" as I have heard many neo-hippie new age people talk about, and I would consider myself to be a sane and stable person. I live with my sister now and although we have our disagreements and difficulties, we still get along pretty well. I still struggle from time to time with my addictive tendencies (having fantasies of using psychedelics or novel substances, ordering some medications online) but have not had any other major episodes like the one I just described.
Just thought I'd share this story on how even the most traumatic and difficult experience *can* still have positive outcomes. There is no such thing as a bad trip. Just difficult ones. It is what you make of it.
Wishing you all the best.
