So, after lurking this thread for several doses/incantations, i posted last night, and I suppose i'll follow through on what was one of the most intense experiences i've had to date. This might get long, I apologize, if interested, read on. So a little background info. I first did MxE Halloween 2011, so i guess it's been about a half year now. Immediately fell in love with it and began using fairly regularly, but I only got a gram at a time so there were a few two week abstinence points, and i was using a couple 3 days a week or so on average. So late January, I got 5 grams, and been using close to everyday since, i'd say literally everyday this past month.
As i mentioned earlier, I take 20mg adderall xr daily. I also use cannabis/synth cann. fairly regularly, and other rc's of the psychedelic variety maybe twice a month. speaking of which, mxe combos beautifully with 2x-x's; and... if one were to go back in time, how long should they wait in between using M1 and mxe roughly speaking?
I enjoy sniffing mxe, but this batch in particular completely wrecks my nose to a dried out scabby mess after limited use. Doesn't burn a bit going up however. For this reason, i have pretty muched ceased this roa. Sub doesn't do it for me, oral is good sometimes, but seems to make me "dizzier" so my preferred roa has been plugging. Is there anything particularly worrisome about using this as a main roa/at this frequency. I just feel like if its fucking up my nose so bad i get paranoid its fucking up my ass lolol.
So last night I was convinced because of tolerance or something I wasn't really "feeling it," so i kept plugging away at it: always 13-20 mg of the pure white(with chunks-very potent) but i kind of lost track of how many times i did, felt underwhelming each time. It couldn't have possibly been (much)more than 100 over the coarse of 3-4 hours. Finally after the last dose it seemed to really "kick in" to high gear; fast. It was the first time I really had a "bad trip" per se off of MxE.
I feel like a adolescent girl when I say this, but i don't know if I've truly "m-holed" until last night, and when it is "official." Idk if last night was my first true "m-hole" or some sort of overdose. Have I been undershooting and misinterpreting the "full spectrum" of mxe's effects this whole time? Is the m-hole supposed to feel half psychedelic and half like you're slowly dying?
First of all, like I mentioned in post last nite, my arms(specifically right) have begun feeling asleep or numb after I use mxe. Last nite by arms felt like this and to extreme levels, numb, i guess slightly tingly, most intense as the arm(above elbow below shoulder-lol, i dont know my anatomy too well-is that biceps lol) and hands, and it felt like my blood was warm and cool and "flushed" inside my arm. It really felt uncomfortable and toxic, not "trippy." Like my body was saying"bad boy, stop taking this, now i punish and scare you) The psychological part was fairly dark and the physical felt really wrong in my body, toxic. The combo of "darkness and toxicity" reminded me of dxm, without the "heavy" and sick feeling, still felt air light. So I began thinking about those dark days way back when when i abused dxm and started getting real down on myself, thinking that i'm worse off now.(maybe by frequency, but MxE blows dxm outta the water-though I don't know that i'd catagorize mxe as more "intense." Just the thought of swallowing those red devils makes me dry gag)
Lately, I have been blessed with access to DMT(which i was hoping would instantly "wake me up" and curb my mxe use-but i alone have to do that) so i began thinking about my salvia days(around the same time as the dxm days) and i made this weird comparison between dxm/salvia and mxe/dmt(i'd say i'm better off now hehe) and me then and me now and i kept "feeling" like i did at various points and stuff. Very nostalgic, which i guess is a fairly typical sensation in my higher dose mxe sessions. I started to miss my parents and felt lost and alone and like a helpless child.
I saw my ex of 5 years on fb w/her new bf and started getting real emotional. I packed a bowl(out of the pipe i used dmt 2-3 times before) and stupidly texted my ex. (luckily the convo was short, and thank heavens i didn't say anything embarrassing and actually reading back on them they were surprisingly coherent-and sorta charming hah!) This is another thing, despite how fucked i get on mxe i don't really have fear of talking to people and making a fool of myself-i feel almost invisible and like psychic or something-and I really haven't done/said anything regrettable yet on mxe) Though in the beginning mxe made me feel like being super social, yet now i feel like i'm isolating.
So i take a hit out of the pipe, and tho it was super intense how I'm propelled even further and I start convincing myself I must have hit some dmt resin or something because i feel like i'm tripping on dmt. It could have been possible, but I don't think so, it wasn't exactly like dmt in retrospect, but at the time it sure "felt like it" if that makes any sense. It was strange. And I still reoccurring kept half felt like I was re-experiencing an evil, detoxifying trip on dxm. I thought maybe dxm and mxe have followed similiar trajectories in my life, where they start out feeling magical and miraculous, but after over(a)buse, they turn dark, evil, flat, confusing, and toxic. I started freaking I was overdosing and kind of started praying that I don't die and swearing I would take a break from mxe starting immediately and getting really down on myself and fearing I had/am permanently fucking myself & my brain, and that if i woke up i'd wake in some coma-trip thing.
But no, I woke up today feeling relatively "normal," and even as i write this just a little bump of mxe seems nice, appropriate. After all, it is Friday, it's 4/20, I got some sour d. But I am going to do my best to remember my mindstate, and the promises I made; and be grateful my pipe is full; metaphorically speaking of course. Thanks for reading.
I have since given in and plugged 20mg, weighing out another 15...booo!!!
