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Terrible at reading girls.. looking for advice on recent hook up

caseface99

caseface99

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 30, 2008
Messages
3,296
Last night, went out with this girl I met recently for the second time. Spent the evening at a Ska/Punk show then I escorted her back to her apartment, since "I was concerned for her safety, walking and riding the bus through Oakland late at night alone". (I really was concerned actually, but I'd be lying if I said that was the only thing i was thinking about)

She invited me to stay the night, we kissed/made out for a while then did the deed. First time I've been with a girl in 3-4 months, since I was in rehab and working on myself for a bit.

To be honest I felt really awkward at first, because I've been with the same girl for 4.5 years until recently, she moved back to New Jersey after a bunch of crazy bullshit happened and then wanted to give it another shot, so until I decide if I'm moving back to Jersey it's an "open relationship". Felt weird being with a different girl than I'm used to, and even more weird hooking up sober. I had a lot of fun though, kinda like this girl actually. Not looking for a serious relationship(made that clear) but I definitely like her, and would like to hook up with her again.

Except today, she texted me asking if the condom broke last night - I said not that I noticed and if i had i would have said something(truth) - and then I sent a message saying "I had a great time last night, would love to hang out with you again sometime" to which she replied: "Yeah, it was fun."

Not exactly sure how to take that, I guess it just didn't sound too enthusiastic to me, but it was a text after all, so no way to tell tone or body language or anything. I'm just worried because the whole night I was being a bit introverted, really struggling to think of things to talk about. Big problem I've been having since getting sober. Am I just over thinking everything, or would she not have hooked up with me if she really cared about my inability to maintain conversation? I played it off like I was just tired I guess, but I'm worried if we hang out again the same thing will happen and I'll run out of things to say really quickly. :\

I always over think shit >.< Fuckin being sober - I really struggle to maintain focus and conversation these days... I was honestly really surprised she was receptive to hooking up with me because I thought I blew it by being boring and not talking enough.

By the way, I'm 21, she's 20 - as i mentioned this was our second date/time hanging out.

tomdpimp said:
Try calling her. I suspect she might actually like you.
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^^ You replied when i posted this elsewhere, and realized i didn't want to hijack the thread - what makes you think she actually likes me?
 
She texted you first. Also you should call her. Texting after sex is lame. Ask her out to dinner or a movie. Hell see if she want to hang out again in general. You ex moved across the country. Don't worry about her.
 
Yeah, she texted me first, but only to ask if the condom broke? Otherwise she wasn't going to say anything else/hasn't said anything else other than what i already posted. I'm guessing i ripped the top or something when i pulled it off, otherwise i don't know why should would ask that the next day. At least I'm hoping, because i didn't notice if i broke while i was in her and I'm assuming i would have felt that... So the only thing i can think of is that i broke it when pulling it off and she saw when throwing it away today. (was in a tissue by her bed). I'm really not sure though.


I mean, i said "I had a good time last night, would love to hang out with you again sometime" and like I said, the only thing she responded was "Yeah, it was fun" - She didn't acknowledge the part about hanging out again though. Obviously I should call her in a day or two tops - but I don't want to come off as TOO into her because we already talked about how we both got out of a LTR recently and just looking to have fun with people right now - So basically right now I'm just worried it was a one time thing.

I know i probably seem a bit immature concerning my knowledge of this sort of situation - but this is the first time I've dated and been with a new girl since I was 17.

Also, I havent done anything but get fucked up, sell weed, or watch tv in the last few years, until the last couple months - and the only thing I've done the last couple months is go to rehab, move into a sober house and go to AA meetings. Not really good date conversation material... That's why I struggle to find things to talk about. (not the mention the anxiety and lack of focus)
 
Hmm. It's kinda hard to know. Honestly what she answered you kinda sounds like what I would say to a hook-up I didn't really want to see again :\ but obviously it all depends on the person, and as you said analysing texts is a rather difficult and pointless more often than not...if I were you I would wait about a week (so that you don't come off as too desperate) and call her. It'll be much easier to figure out what she really wants that way, and tbh if she answers in the first place I think that's a pretty good sign already. Hope it works out :)
 
I'd say she still wants to hang out again. So invite her out again.
 
I guess I'll give her a call in a few days if she doesn't contact me first. Don't want to come off as too desperate, as mentioned.

I'm just really anxious about being boring, I seriously can't emphasize enough how much I struggle to maintain conversations since getting sober. I know she thinks I'm cute(she told me after our first date) but the messages she sent yesterday after we hooked up just weren't the same. I don't know.

I'm just going to stop fucking tripping on it I think. Rather than worry about it - I'll just ACCEPT the things I cannot change, have the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference. In this case - There isn't much I can do other than avoid coming off as attached or needy, and do my best to maintain conversation if we do infact hang out again. I can brush up on current events/news and maybe finish a couple books I've been reading, for material, but other than that I guess i need to live with my introverted self, appreciate the fact that we hooked up at all, and stop future tripping. I guess I'm sort of acting like I want something serious with this girl, when we already discussed not getting into anything serious.

Thanks for the replies - It is what it is and I need to stop tripping. If we hang out/hook up again - great. If not, I got laid for the first time in a while and can either choose to let it build my confidence or let it bring me down. The rest is up to me. :)
 
And I can't believe you wasted your time to post something that unproductive haha. 8)
 
I think she's probably not looking for a relationship if she wasn't texting you much after the hookup but the condom breaking text is super weird so be careful she's not one of those girls that's gonna try to throw a pregnancy scare in at you in the near future. Girls can be kinda cunts with that. You seem like a great guy tho, if she's not texting you back much after you text her, just leave it at that. The majority of females especially in your age group will respond more to being ignored than constantly texted and called. Maybe just say hey, what's up and see her response or ask if she wants to kick it again. You're absolutely right about accepting things you can't change and all that tho. "There's plenty of fish in the sea" if she's not all in, than you can def do better!
 
As a female, I don't think she likes you. You were just a random hookup. One night stand.

I mean, she was worried about the condom so she texted you. That definitely does not mean she likes you, come on. AND, when you hint at meeting again, she has no reply. She could have easily said, yeah, definitely! Or looking forward to it. Hit me up! But nooooo, she said, yeah, it was fun.

But hey, what do you have to lose? Go for it tiger.
 
To me it sounds like she just wanted to have a fun night, as did you. If you really want it to happen again, I recommend giving it a solid week before calling her. And who knows, maybe she'll contact you before then? Good luck.
 
Looking pretty grim.

One of my keys fell out of my pocket when we were hooking up, I couldn't find it the next morning so I said it wasn't a big deal, to let me know if it turns up. She texted me yesterday saying "Hey, I found your key." I responded "Awesome, thanks! I definitely need to come grab that sometime." like 20 mins later she sent a message saying she would be in Berkeley on Wednesday and could drop it off to me. Still hasn't mentioned or acknowledged wanting to hang out again.

I think I blew it by being a boring fuck. It was the first time I had ever had sex sober now that I think about it, So i felt sort of awkward/anxious. I mean she seemed pretty into it, was kissing me pretty intensely/sucking all over my neck and whatnot and cuddled with me all night but I don't know - After like 35-40 mins for making out/foreplay when I moved on to fucking her I only managed to last like 15-20 mins tops - had been a while since having sex and first time I did it without opiates in years. :/

She knows I'm in recovery (I just mentioned the alcohol and pot, not opiates) so I'm wondering if I should apologize for being kind of boring the other night when I see her tomorrow to get my key, maybe tell her that it was one of the first times I'd ever hooked up sober and that I was pretty anxious (not to mention exhausted, it was like 3am and I had only slept a few hours the night before).

Do you think I should explain why I was sort of boring that night, or just get my key from her and see how that goes? It sounded like shes just going to meet up and drop it off real quick... Like i said she knows I'm in recovery, and knows I hadn't been with a girl in a few months since my ex left for Jersey, and knew those things before getting with me that night.
 
<<One of my keys fell out of my pocket when we were hooking up, I couldn't find it the next morning so I said it wasn't a big deal, to let me know if it turns up. She texted me yesterday saying "Hey, I found your key." I responded "Awesome, thanks! I definitely need to come grab that sometime." like 20 mins later she sent a message saying she would be in Berkeley on Wednesday and could drop it off to me. Still hasn't mentioned or acknowledged wanting to hang out again.>>

Ouch. Sorry, but that sounds like all business, to me.

Though I can hardly consider myself an expert in love, I think--as someone already mentioned--that you should give it a week, and if you're still getting a cool response, drop it. Pursuing it will only look stalkerish and desperate, to say nothing of being a distraction from other women you could be meeting. You might have even been great in bed, but she simply had no interest in taking it farther. I suspect the emotion was all on your side of the table (I've been there), and in that case there's nothing to be done.
 
caseface99 said:
Looking pretty grim.

One of my keys fell out of my pocket when we were hooking up, I couldn't find it the next morning so I said it wasn't a big deal, to let me know if it turns up. She texted me yesterday saying "Hey, I found your key." I responded "Awesome, thanks! I definitely need to come grab that sometime." like 20 mins later she sent a message saying she would be in Berkeley on Wednesday and could drop it off to me. Still hasn't mentioned or acknowledged wanting to hang out again.

I think I blew it by being a boring fuck. It was the first time I had ever had sex sober now that I think about it, So i felt sort of awkward/anxious. I mean she seemed pretty into it, was kissing me pretty intensely/sucking all over my neck and whatnot and cuddled with me all night but I don't know - After like 35-40 mins for making out/foreplay when I moved on to fucking her I only managed to last like 15-20 mins tops - had been a while since having sex and first time I did it without opiates in years. :/

She knows I'm in recovery (I just mentioned the alcohol and pot, not opiates) so I'm wondering if I should apologize for being kind of boring the other night when I see her tomorrow to get my key, maybe tell her that it was one of the first times I'd ever hooked up sober and that I was pretty anxious (not to mention exhausted, it was like 3am and I had only slept a few hours the night before).

Do you think I should explain why I was sort of boring that night, or just get my key from her and see how that goes? It sounded like shes just going to meet up and drop it off real quick... Like i said she knows I'm in recovery, and knows I hadn't been with a girl in a few months since my ex left for Jersey, and knew those things before getting with me that night.
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I don't think it was necessarily you..

Don't think that much into it.. definitely don't start talking about it and apologizing. Just be super casual--you guys will run into each other again.
 
sounds like there weren't really fireworks and you had some past relationship anxiety.

more comfortable you get = the more fun you will have.
 
Is 15-20 minutes (plus 35 min for foreplay) even considered short? By who?

*Digs through bookmarks*

...Aha! Food for thought:

Abstract
One hundred and fifty-two heterosexual couples reported their actual and ideal duration of foreplay and intercourse, as well as their perceptions of their partners' desired duration of foreplay and intercourse. Further, participants reported the duration of foreplay and intercourse that they felt most men and most women wanted. Ideal length of foreplay did not differ for men and women. However, men reported a significantly longer ideal duration of intercourse than did their partners. The ideal duration of foreplay and intercourse were significantly longer than the actual duration for both genders. The women, but not the men, significantly underestimated their partners' desired duration of foreplay and intercourse. Further, both genders exhibited faulty stereotypes concerning men's but not women's ideal scripts. Men were seen as desiring a significantly shorter duration of foreplay and intercourse than the ideal reported by the men in the study. Both men's and women's perceptions of their partners' ideal duration of foreplay and intercourse were found to be more strongly related to their own sexual stereotypes than to their partners' self-reported sexual desires, suggesting that people rely on sexual stereotypes when estimating their partners' ideal sexual scripts. Men's and women's ideal scripts and men's and women's sexual stereotypes concerning the opposite gender's ideal duration of foreplay were found to uniquely predict the foreplay performance script. For intercourse, men's and women's ideal scripts and men's stereotypes concerning the duration of intercourse that women want uniquely predicated the performance script. We present potential reasons for the discrepancy in individuals' performance and ideal scripts.
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http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15497058
 
seek adventure

Dude your fresh out of rehab still shaking. Don't be getting attached. Look around for adventure so you have something interesting to talk about. Find out who the fuck you are sober because very obviously drugs were a big part of who you were before. If you need to knock boots leave it at that, but seriously....just leave it as fun.
 
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^^ Yeah I guess I'm just used to longer because of being on opiates, forgot that isn't normal?... I suppose I honestly don't know how long typical sex goes for people who aren't high.

^ I'm not looking to get into a serious relationship with this girl, I just don't like finding someone new every time I get laid? I dunno. I've only slept with 4 different women in my life, and it's never been just once so I guess I need to start getting used to that huh.

I really just don't like the idea of one time hook ups, probably because my "sexual ideal" is basically the same as my "LTR ideal".

Just never been in a situation where someone didn't want to hook up a second time I guess - Which I'm assuming isn't realistic... Just happens to be my experience. Either way, I'm truly thinking like an alcoholic in this situation, but at least I realize it.

Thanks for all the input, I guess I'll know for sure tomorrow when I get my key back from her, wont exactly be hard to tell in person how she feels about the whole thing.
 
Who knows? Maybe she'll hit up you randomly and you can have your second bone. Maybe she has a boyfriend and it was really just a thing. Maybe she doesn't like to see guys after the first performance. One night stander.

Like I said, don't mention anything, be super casual--I really wouldn't suggest another meet since you've already tried.. three times? You just gotta drop it. She has your number. She'll hit you up. Or give it a few weeks or so before trying again. Just don't come off as desperate or clingy.
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
As a female, I don't think she likes you. You were just a random hookup. One night stand.

I mean, she was worried about the condom so she texted you. That definitely does not mean she likes you, come on. AND, when you hint at meeting again, she has no reply. She could have easily said, yeah, definitely! Or looking forward to it. Hit me up! But nooooo, she said, yeah, it was fun.

But hey, what do you have to lose? Go for it tiger.
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This.
but with no go for it.

be cool, don't get all "oh, what did I do?"
 
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