CrazyDiamond0107
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2006
- Messages
- 74
Dear bluelighters,
warning: this may seem like alot of rambling but i'm just writing my thoughts. thanks for taking your time to read my post.
I come to you in a time of need. At this point in my life, I feel like I am going nowhere. I'm a junior in highschool - I've never had a serious girlfriend, I don't give a damn about school, (even though somehow i've managed to keep a 3.4) my friends talk sh*t about me and nothing seems to be going right in my life. In fact, the only thing that is consistant in my life is my drug use. I'm not a hardcore druggy, but i've been taking benzos for about 2 years, and smoking a hell of alot of weed.
I am going completely insane. I find it hard to talk to even my best friend these days, as I've grown extremely anxious about even the silliest situations. I don't know whats wrong with me, somethings changed though. the only time I feel that I can communicate with people in a normal manner is when im high on benzos. its the only thing that gives me the confidence to speak my mind, and as much as I may seem like an idiot sometimes, I'd rather anything than being sober. I told my psychiatrist most of this, and he hasn't been much help. he prescribed me zoloft, which compeltely killed my libido. then he put me on Wellbutrin which also caused me to commit suicide, and now I'm on lexapro, which doesn't seem to be helping much.
More about my benzo usage: I've been taking ativan (2mg pills) for about a year. before that I was eating 10mg valiums. It all started with a bottle of my brother's xanax, and now i'm hooked. I find its the only thing thats on my mind throughout the schoolday. either how i'm looking forward to my next dosage, or how im enjoying my current dose. I knew what I was getting myself into a year ago, i've been browsing these forums for a long time. I knew they were addictive, and I knew the withdrawals can be deadly. I knew beginning this habit I was playing with fire, and now i'm burnt. i'm a burnout. in school im either complaining about how much i wanna leave, or sleeping. (sober)
Now to top it all off, i find myself thinking about suicide. I think that its the only escape to this cruel world. in fact, the only thing stopping me from doing it right now is I don't want to hurt my mother. I understand this type of thinking is wrong, but its uncontrollable. its the only thing I can think of doing to end my seemingly endless torment. that or more benzos. I can't stand this life, I find myself hoping that maybe I just won't wake up. maybe I'll get in a car crash and i'll be set free.
Someone help me, I don't know how much longer I can endure these thoughts, and this shitty existence
warning: this may seem like alot of rambling but i'm just writing my thoughts. thanks for taking your time to read my post.
I come to you in a time of need. At this point in my life, I feel like I am going nowhere. I'm a junior in highschool - I've never had a serious girlfriend, I don't give a damn about school, (even though somehow i've managed to keep a 3.4) my friends talk sh*t about me and nothing seems to be going right in my life. In fact, the only thing that is consistant in my life is my drug use. I'm not a hardcore druggy, but i've been taking benzos for about 2 years, and smoking a hell of alot of weed.
I am going completely insane. I find it hard to talk to even my best friend these days, as I've grown extremely anxious about even the silliest situations. I don't know whats wrong with me, somethings changed though. the only time I feel that I can communicate with people in a normal manner is when im high on benzos. its the only thing that gives me the confidence to speak my mind, and as much as I may seem like an idiot sometimes, I'd rather anything than being sober. I told my psychiatrist most of this, and he hasn't been much help. he prescribed me zoloft, which compeltely killed my libido. then he put me on Wellbutrin which also caused me to commit suicide, and now I'm on lexapro, which doesn't seem to be helping much.
More about my benzo usage: I've been taking ativan (2mg pills) for about a year. before that I was eating 10mg valiums. It all started with a bottle of my brother's xanax, and now i'm hooked. I find its the only thing thats on my mind throughout the schoolday. either how i'm looking forward to my next dosage, or how im enjoying my current dose. I knew what I was getting myself into a year ago, i've been browsing these forums for a long time. I knew they were addictive, and I knew the withdrawals can be deadly. I knew beginning this habit I was playing with fire, and now i'm burnt. i'm a burnout. in school im either complaining about how much i wanna leave, or sleeping. (sober)
Now to top it all off, i find myself thinking about suicide. I think that its the only escape to this cruel world. in fact, the only thing stopping me from doing it right now is I don't want to hurt my mother. I understand this type of thinking is wrong, but its uncontrollable. its the only thing I can think of doing to end my seemingly endless torment. that or more benzos. I can't stand this life, I find myself hoping that maybe I just won't wake up. maybe I'll get in a car crash and i'll be set free.
Someone help me, I don't know how much longer I can endure these thoughts, and this shitty existence