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stuck on smack need advice im in a bind and dont know what to do

i could try to talk to my friend....i dont know what will happen though. this is really fucming ridiculous though ive been sitting in my car for the past 2 DAYS thinking about what tobdo and havent come up with any answers. this is ridiculous. dont know what the hell to do anymore. i just want it over with. i know better than this. i shouldnt of let mysekf get to this point. stupid addiction. god i hate living with this demon. i guess we were describing things too much because our stuff got edited..lol...whoops
 
yeah kind of got caught up in the moment... .. yikes!

hey.

i think it is such a great idea to talk to your friend!! totally pulling for you to do this and break out of that sticky car! man... it will feel great to release some emotions and words face to face with some one you know. try and stop beating yourself up over this and redirect that energy to making the moves in passing through. i totally know how addiction and relapse becomes so fuckin tiering, frustrating and old - straight stale. it can feel like a record at the end of side a just spinning and spinning making that white noise waiting to be flipped over. got to pick that shit up to side b!

relapse happens right?? part of the gig. each time i have a slip over the years no matter if it has been legally prescribe or i scripted it i have come out clearer with more will, understanding, acceptance and most off insight. i just went through THE worst withdrawal/detox i have ever dealt with this past december, multiple different medications- shit was just slipping away from me yes what felt like yet again. it was time for a change and to change to a new doctor. as the md i had been with for the three previous years knew my past and is an internist and addiction specialist this is why i sought him out. i have a few physical problems in which i have need for such a doc. fuck me. 2 months of physical withdrawal, will not go into PAWS.... i made and am still making it you know how it goes.. i have been working with new doctors, physical therapist, occupational therapist... i have always been totally honest with any healthcare professional's, some are great and others treat you like complete shit. this is the longest i have been opiate/opioid free since 05. it is amazing! i actually notice my registration and regulation of pain improving as receptor sites are hopefully regaining some normal function. my main doctor even talked about writing a script for methadone or straight bupe and i was not open to it. crazy, crazy good!

sorry to ramble. fucking hate feeling stuck, sick and sick/tired. try hooking up with that friend it could set it off (in a good way). that contact i mentioned at c.r.a would be really great to speak with also. try and make small little moves or plans and keep building on them as they come and stop beating yourself up you do not deserve that at all. you are confronting a lot and that says a lot!!
 
i just dont know how to even bring it out....he might and probably does have an idea though....i dont know any suggestions? thanks for all your help its helped a little but i gotta stop spinning my wheels here and do something this is driving me crazy i just wanna get it over with sitting here worrying and wondering is seriously drivin me nutz i dont know what do you think? how to bring it out? and what u think u would do right now while sittin in your car if you were me what would u do
 
your not rambling to me...to me its helping its giving me insight i need something your helpin me alot so go ahead and ramble away lol
 
if he will help ne and not just say to leave then that woukd be great but its just that he told me before if i am on that shit im outta there so it sucks cuz i have to leave alk the tine to get it and he always wobdering where im at asking me so i have to come up with sone bullshit excuse of where i went im just so fucking sick of it. its just living one big huge lie and im fed up with it. maybe if he will be understanding then he can make it a little harder on me to leave like if he just says ok its cool but im not to be leaving alk the time like that and everythinf...i dont know im just trying to figure it out and im lost i cant keep sitting in this fucking car this sucks
 
hey.. .. hanging in there??

to me you are making progress, might not seem like this but your mind is starting to work in a positive direction. in a direction!! it feels like when we deal with this we want to make those big steps just to get beyond the pain instead of facing and agreeing with the little ones we NEED to be making/focusing on.

remember our minds trigger to a "fix" because this is how we have been use to getting relief and cooping with which ever issues/stressors arise. also the anxiety and depression that can become overwhelming during this period can cause thoughts to just melt into oatmeal. hens "being stuck". stuck in the mind or trying to gather a thought, stuck in a place trying to find some will. shit i was/have been in your car different forms; this past time it was a room where i currently am living and took me some time to start and tip toe out. i totally understand the feeling of being physically and mentally stuck, really stuck!!

this is why we gots to get you out of that car!!

your friend. see you are starting to think hmmmm how could i break this down to them.. thats feeling and it is leading to you thinking= yes good! this is so good it is a step towards the direction you are hurting for and admitting it to yourself. fuck-en-a. the "what if" thoughts are starting to ease up a bit in your mind.. realizing that all in all your boy most likely has a feel for whats going down with you. awesome! if he knows your past, which he sounds like he dose this is huge. i know it sucks facing someone close with "hey i am in a relapse and truly need you" but after the initial hard, true step is followed by such relief and movement through out you. it can easily be looked at just like facing detox. the more of these moves/goals you make in this process the more energy and self support will come and in this instance some much needed and deserved companionship, compassion and understanding- a friend. you deserve this because you want to better yourself which in return will better you friendship.

i would ask to meet up and tell him that you really need to talk with him alone about a very important, pressing matter. once you sit down with him look him in the eyes take a breath, put your fears and worries to the side and slowly, calmly let it out. let your vulnerability be completely exposed in expressing your thoughts, feelings, pains, desire to beat this addiction and the honest need for his help in making these steps of truth. this will be a big, grand step in the process for you and it will help sooooooo much... you can do it, you can make the handle.

got to get you out of that pressure cooker of a ride your in!!

again i know your mind is spinning and looping on repeat but you have to try and say "fuck it" and embrace those words- fuck it. do not make up some bull-shit story and be open and honest. it will go very far as that is the best form of respect even tho you feel like and are playing the tune that you are dis-respecting. you relapsed. it happens. your friend will know some shit is off if you come in off a spun week and try to play sick for the next week.. remember he knows your past and is still your friend so there is already a understanding and acceptance with your relationship.

i have had to face different people over the years that i truly love with the same news. i get the stutter step and fear, guilt and remorse of feeling like you have not only let yourself down but more over them down. once i have always released this burden and asked for help and support i could, cry where it felt good, i could breath where it felt deep and i could actually crack a real smile.

time to get out of the car and to start drawing a new map!!
 
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soldmysoul80 said:
i guess we were describing things too much because our stuff got edited..lol...whoops
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hey no worries guys.. just in the future realize that triggers are different for everyone.. and the discussion of drugs, in the manor that was posted is definitely a possible trigger.. I know that when any one starts talking sitting around a >snip<.. telling ghost stories thats were my mind starts heading and in a hurry...

anyway soldmysoul dont forget that the wretched addiction has control over your emotions.. the purpose of an emotion is just a manipulation.. it says stop everything you are doing and figure out what I need.. double check and dont trust your emotions.. they just try make you your addictions bitch.. they are designed to feel so real.. dont trust them, and it looks like your addiction is really using fear, apprehension, and isolation to try and make you do its bidding.. your fears are most likely somewhat unjustified, It wants you alone because it easier to fool you with its tricks, so much easier when it doesn't have to fool another person, especially since it does not share a brain with, and thus cant manipulate like it can you.. and it is sending you pessimism, pessimism about taking the steps that will make it easier for you to beat the acute withdrawal into submission.. think about how you have reacted to the suggestion of medications that will definitely help you.. some responses were something like.. yeah there was aleays a long wait, and I dont want or have allot of money.. take a little view through my eyes, eyes not manipulated by addiction.. man If I told you that there was going to be a little haslle at a way away corner, but the stuff being sold there was the best guaranteed, yeah you or I in active addiction would walk all the way there, BLOCKS and blocks and patiently wait our turn.. and a little addict check;) on the cost of a doctor visit and some damn cheap meds to detox is a joke compared to what you are spending every single day just keeping your head barely above water with the this insanity .. thats all the addiction influencing your thoughts.. In reality you are currently using a gram and over a day.. so if you are able to maintain this habit you can get the money for the cheap ass drugs that will facilitate a much easier detox.. you have to check you thinking in the beginning.. dont trust it.. and especially anything that if you follow it justifies use.. consider instead of constantly coming up with reasons not to use, that are just fed in to the addiction and come out as justifications for use.. flip the argument and let the addiction wear its self the fuck out giving you reasons to use.. yeah once we are in addiction and deep in the hell at that, THERE IS NO REASON IT CAN GIVE.. during the acutes it will whisper, scream, and beg, ..because you need to feel better, but thats a boat load of shit, cause you will feel a better for a LITTLE bit, but i doubt you will even smile given the times you have kicked.. as you know already it just drops you right back where you started, the middle of hell.. Always a good thing to check in with is.. are we giving all we have into our fight against addiction as we did trying to maintain it. When we are in active addiction, you already know its.. I will figure this out no matter what, now all you have to do is put the same effort into getting better;)<3 that we have put into the losing effort of trying to feed that insatiable wretched, soul killing addiction. \

Hey If i can do this anyone can:!.. no shit just have to shift gears with that incredibly dedicated approach and focuses it on getting clean and finding and doing what it takes to live a peaceful rewarding life. as i said if I can do this SO CAN YOU<3<3 <3

Your an amazing person<3 but the addiction will scream everything it can come up with to try and fool you your not.. dont fall for that shit<3=D



@ pro re nata.. hey I know you just started posting.. but i would like to say that your posts so far IMO have been spot on.. If you choose to continue in this fashion also IMHO you have the ability and knowledge to help allot of people<3
 
^
thanks neversickanymore!!
bl has been a great place to me over the years and i just starting returning more recently and found it to be a good time to start posting. i look forward to talking in the future! take care and thanks again!!


-smsoul80.... where you at today with things?? were you able to reach out and talk with your friend? i hope so and that things are coming together for you!!
 
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i am ok for now. im thinking i just ran into a friend that can get done and was thinking i could get 10 of the wafers and ease off it that way. that would work wouldnt it? then i wont have to wait til im sick as hell. i dont know some suggestions would be nice and i think it woukd make it a lot more comfortable for me.
 
Hope you are doing good SMS:)

Having detoxed off both H as well as a methadone dependency , i would rather detox heroin three times in a row than detox a methadone dependency.. here are two threads that could possibly illustrate to you a similar picture of understand as to why I am starting to think this. One shows a switch from subs to morphine and although the other shows a possible outcome from a switch from narcos to a bupie tapper.. but as buipe has a similar antagonism and half life to methadone, this persons experience should be pretty similar to a detox with methadone.. >Switching from Subutex to Morphine for faster withdrawal...bad idea?< and going the other way but still in favor >24 year old addict in serach of advice<.. and YES given these are two different people with totally different lengths of habit.. there are always possible variables that account for the outcomes..

The question I pose now, is that , would it would benefit, yet another amazing person, who is suffering from physical dependence of opioids, and is trying to detox, to transfer to morphine from whatever opioid they are on ( except H of coarse) to facilitate the quickest withdrawal possible from, due to the really short half life of morphine. This decision needs to be SERIOUSLY considered and contemplated, before this approach is taken, to determine whether the switch from a maintenance chemical, which because of a lower level of opiat antagonism, time length of receptor binding, and strictly controlled and unaltered dose has allowed the homeostasis propagating phenomenon of tolerance, to produces a state quite similar to "normal" in the addict, in favor of a substance that carries a quicker and more intense result but a much shorter half life and resulting much shorter time period of withdrawal, as the introduction of the morphine could result in the re-stimulation of that detoxes addiction drive.
 
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I just want to say first of all, Neversickanymore, you always post the most kind, helpful advice, never sounding condescending, always to the point but so gentle<3...curious are you male or female?

Second, SMS (OP), I think that the main thing neversickanymore is saying is that though WDs are horrible and I know you are spinning your wheels trying to make some decisions on how to go about this, it may really just prolong everything by using either bupe or methadone.

Also, and I think the most important thing at all at this point, is to quit beating yourself up at this point dear. Everybody messes up. So many of us go there and now is the time to take a deep breath and say what's done is done and move forward. You can't change what has happened, it sucks, but deal with what you can control from here forward. Do you have no other friends or family that you can stay with while you WD? Just that you could say, hey, I'm having a rough time, need to get away from home for a week and have aplace to crash?

If there is anyway you can get a hold of the clonidine and something for the RLS (to me that and the diarrhea are the worst part) do it. Get yourself set up with everything you can to make yourself more comfortable. Talk to your friend either telling him or not (if you don't tell him what is going on just say hey I'm depressed, not been feeling great physically if you don't want to go into the whole thing with him) so I'm gonna chill in my room for a week and try to get over everything. As long as you don't have H in the house, he gonna kick you out for being sick (with the flu or whatever?)?

If it were me personally, I would quit kicking myself in the ass so hard, get whatever I need to be comfortable for a week (plenty of fluids etc) so that I don't have to go out,grab some immodium (use as sparingly as possible), clonidine if you can (not going to make everything completely go away but will help). I would then let the process begin. Completely stop the H once you get stocked up at home with whatever you need to be as comfortable as possible. When the withdrawals get unbearable, I personally would take a super tiny dose of the bupe. Most people don't realize and understand that bupe is prescribed for pain patients in tiny amounts (less is more), like .1 to .2mg an hour with a long half life. So if you were to take a dose every 4 to 6 hours (.2mg/hour every 5 hours would be 1 mg every 5 hours) of 1tiny mg you will be surprised at how much it will take away the worse of the WDs symptoms. When you are in WDs it only takes a small fraction of your normal dose of something to take the edge off the WD symptoms.

So I personally would get set up, stop H, let WDs get to where you cannot stand it physically, try the immodium (and clonidine if you get it) along with some ibuprofen for aches/pains. If that is absolutely not doing it for you then try the smallest amount of bupe that you can...at the most try 1mg. You might be pleasantly surprised at the results. Only take it when it is unbearable. Then hopefully you won't prolong the misery as long and have to deal with a rough time coming off the bupe. It can work.

Good luck hon.
 
Lol, wow NSA you are really on top of things here. Hell yes. I am glad for soldmysoul to have such good advice.

You can do it!!! Recently I relapsed and was doing dangerous amounts of cocaine and liquor and weed and, and, and, and, and.....you get the picture. Anyway I had a very humbling shroom experience that just blasted me in the best possible ways....I think it was because of my intentions from the beginning, I had been envisioning using psychedelics as medicinally as possible to GET OFF H especially and lo and behold what ends up happening, yes I was nauseous and felt like shit for my whole trip, yes I was dizzy could barely function, yes I cried my eyes out......but the experience rekindled my faith and acted like a purification process altogether.

Anyway. I am cheering for you from over here, sold my soul. You will definitely find some really nice people around SL, and really bluelight in general.

Whatever your path is to getting off the shit, imo you have to make your own......I wonder what people think of Using psychedelics in the fashion that I used to get in a more stable and healthy mind set? They made me feel like shit, but the reality is that I was making MYSELF feel like shit by drinking whole fifths of cheap whiskey to myself with no chaser like a very silly man, and continuing to use h expecting things to change......heroin itself just leads nowhere at all.

I particularly like NSA's thoughts on turning around our usual "I'm gonna get my shit, and get high, I will figure this out", which I know very well since when I was doing coke it was all free!!! anyway, turning that around into "I'm gonna be truly happy and healthy, I will figure this out and throw this addiction to the fucking curb!!!" :)

Good luck soulmysoul, you are DEFINITELY not truly alone, even though it feels that way.
 
good to hear from you!! sounds like you might of broke out of that sticky car you have been held up in and talking with some friends. very nice! were you able to speak with your friend you were talking about??

i too like neversickanymore have gone through heroin withdrawal and methadone withdrawal and i am right with him/her.... shuuuuu methadone is a mean long, cold, painful ride i ended up in a major relapse a month and half after going against my doctors advice and discontinuing the medication. dealing with being dependent on methadone and feeling the 800lb monkey of it on my back was why i recently was not open to being prescribed 10mg methadone tabs. i also have experience from switching from buprenorphine to morphine er and oxycodone this was all done as prescribed for certain health reasons. but i also agree with nsanymore on this being a slippery slope.. ..

having dealt with buprenorphin and methadone there is no doubt in my mind in regards to your situation that bupe is by FAR the SUPERIOR choice! that is if you choose to use one. we all know there is no easy, magical way around it. if there was we would not be fighting for recovery that is part of the beauty in choosing to do so, self empowering. showing such will to accept things and want to move forward bettering our selves! i think methadone will just really push things out even more. where while you are taking it you wont be all that comfortable (you wont be under the care of a clinic) the long, long FULL agonist half life could and most likely end up crashing down on you when you run out. leaving you very close to step one again.. if you use the bupe you will also not be feeling on top of the world as we know but the big advantage here is it being a partial agonist. i also see bupe being more of a deterrent in trying or wanting to use on top of it especially with suboxone. a good thing! you also mentioned that you have some or can get some neurontin and clonazepam this cupeled with the buprenorphine could really be helpful.

i would totally steer clear of any short acting opiates/opioids in trying to aid or tapper it just does not make any sense for the position you are in.

"morphine could result in the re-stimulation of that detoxes addiction drive." ^ enough said!

beyond all of this do you feel like you have a good solid place with healthy support around that you can go to at this point?? you are making small steps!! you were not sounding so frustrated and locked up... this is great!! regardless of what direction you decide to take things you have the end goal of recovery, got to keep holding that at the center!

look forward to hearing what your feeling and thinking... i will try to support and give you the best advise for which ever rout you feel is best for you. keep moving and looking forward!!
 
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missmeyet? said:
I just want to say first of all, Neversickanymore, you always post the most kind, helpful advice, never sounding condescending, always to the point but so gentle<3...curious are you male or female?
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Thank You missmeyet<3.. and as I have read SO many well written and genuinely thought out posts from you, your compliment means so much more=D<3.. I love you handle and have for a while.. I have thought of a couple different stories behind it.. if you ever want to share Id love to know..

I am a male miss.. curious as to what you would have guessed though?

Ozekat said:
Lol, wow NSA you are really on top of things here. Hell yes. I am glad for soldmysoul to have such good advice.
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Mr. ozz sir I do think we may need to get a little southern something planning.. and thank you sir=D
 
i could take the methadone for 5 days and thrn quit i figured then iwill have minimal wds i think thats the way it will go at least....i know alot of the detox facilities use methadone for a 5 day heroin detox so why wouldnt it work?
 
hey.... you are sounding better.... are you feeling this way??

the methadone you have is it the 40mg wafers? i have heard of 5 day methadone plans and individuals that will use a clinic for that amount of time doing there own program.

what are your thoughts on when you would start, a dosing schedule and so forth??

glad you are forming a plan that you feel will work best for you as that is very important. totally pulling for you to keep chipping away and making steps forward!!
 
I agree sold my soul that you should what you feel comfortable with. I think the only issue with using the methadone is because it has such a long half life it kind of complicates the withdrawals. I personally do not have experience with tapering with methadone so better to hear from someone who has. I know that they do the quick taper for a few days with the methadone like you were talking about but the few people that I know that have done that say it wasn't very comfortable (not to be negative). Again, we should hear the input from some people with personal experience with it that can compare it to other options too. The important thing is you are starting to formulate a plan and not still feeling so stuck.

Neversickanymore...the same goes here..it means a lot to me to hear you appreciate my thoughts since I think so much of yours.<3 I had thought male, but mature and kind (not that males aren't usually..well..you know..well lol I don't want to stick my foot in my mouth!!) But I definitely take it as a complement from someone who's opinion I also respect!
 
yes i need all the help i can get and females male it dont matter what sex you are to know about this stuff...but by the way im single...hahah yeah i guess i find myself in alright spirits i been hangin at this friends house that i just happendd to run into outta the blue. havent seen him in 3 years but if i could not have run into a better person for comfort meds lol its funny how we dont always get what we want but we always get what we need like mick jagger says. but yeah its the wafers and im probly gonna give it a shot by tommrow i will be out of d and i am gonna try not to get anymore
 
There are certanly a lot of good ladies living in recovery.. they like to hang out a support meetings as well.. maybe check out Smart or NA.. I like how I percieve allot more hope in your posts sir!! Yeah.. you can do this and your going to.. only takes a little bit to walk outa hell;-)
 
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