custard
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2010
- Messages
- 151
I haven't been on this site in years. But I quit cannabis in March after about a decade of off/on addiction and struggles with it. In short, it's a rather demonic drug for me - it gives me what I want (slows down my racing mind, thoughts, helps me sleep) but not without a generous side order of anxiety and paranoia. I have OCD, and when I consume weed it makes it a hell of a lot harder to stay above my OCD, and it can get triggered to the point where I wake up the next morning feeling my mental health has taken a real kick. But that doesn't stop it from being tempting, or stop my mind from making up excuses and stories and endless reasons to try it "just one more time"...
So tonight, after an exhausting internal battle debating if I should just go buy a joint and give my brain a night off (there's a store only 3 blocks from my house), the universe saved me by reminding me my healthcard is expired and I was SOL. That bought me some time, and after hours of this debating between heart and mind, I finally listened to my gut and had the strength to say no.
Disappointed but relieved, I'm seeing for the millionth time that the idea of the thing is often better than the thing itself. (Would the experience of smoking the joint actually be as rewarding as it is in my fantasy? Doubtful.) And looking back on this difficult night, I'm realizing how cannabis legalization has actually been a bad thing for me, even if it's been good for so many other people. It just makes it that much more tempting, and gives my mind that many more reasons to try it yet again, in yet another form/dosage. There are now endless varieties.. flower, vape, hash, edible, capsules, and endless variations on THC/CBD amounts.. which only fuels the trickster part of my brain into telling me "well you haven't tried this form/dosage yet so maybe THIS will be the perfect one for you.." That and sheer convenience - dispensaries have been popping up more and more in my neighbourhood. There's only one local place to buy booze but I can't walk a few blocks down the main street without passing a handful of tantalizing dispensaries.
Anyway.. just venting I suppose. And wondering if anyone out there has shared this experience. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for drugs being legalized, and am eager to see if any psychedelics are next to come... but it can be really tough when it's a drug that you've struggled with being addicted to, and it's suddenly popping up everywhere. It's also frustrating because so many people seem to be able to just smoke a joint with ease and go on with their life, take that 'night off' from reality and wake up fresh the next morning. I wish I could have that but I've got to steer clear.
So tonight, after an exhausting internal battle debating if I should just go buy a joint and give my brain a night off (there's a store only 3 blocks from my house), the universe saved me by reminding me my healthcard is expired and I was SOL. That bought me some time, and after hours of this debating between heart and mind, I finally listened to my gut and had the strength to say no.
Disappointed but relieved, I'm seeing for the millionth time that the idea of the thing is often better than the thing itself. (Would the experience of smoking the joint actually be as rewarding as it is in my fantasy? Doubtful.) And looking back on this difficult night, I'm realizing how cannabis legalization has actually been a bad thing for me, even if it's been good for so many other people. It just makes it that much more tempting, and gives my mind that many more reasons to try it yet again, in yet another form/dosage. There are now endless varieties.. flower, vape, hash, edible, capsules, and endless variations on THC/CBD amounts.. which only fuels the trickster part of my brain into telling me "well you haven't tried this form/dosage yet so maybe THIS will be the perfect one for you.." That and sheer convenience - dispensaries have been popping up more and more in my neighbourhood. There's only one local place to buy booze but I can't walk a few blocks down the main street without passing a handful of tantalizing dispensaries.
Anyway.. just venting I suppose. And wondering if anyone out there has shared this experience. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for drugs being legalized, and am eager to see if any psychedelics are next to come... but it can be really tough when it's a drug that you've struggled with being addicted to, and it's suddenly popping up everywhere. It's also frustrating because so many people seem to be able to just smoke a joint with ease and go on with their life, take that 'night off' from reality and wake up fresh the next morning. I wish I could have that but I've got to steer clear.