Struggling to Stay Clean from Cannabis after Legalization

[custard]

I haven't been on this site in years. But I quit cannabis in March after about a decade of off/on addiction and struggles with it. In short, it's a rather demonic drug for me - it gives me what I want (slows down my racing mind, thoughts, helps me sleep) but not without a generous side order of anxiety and paranoia. I have OCD, and when I consume weed it makes it a hell of a lot harder to stay above my OCD, and it can get triggered to the point where I wake up the next morning feeling my mental health has taken a real kick. But that doesn't stop it from being tempting, or stop my mind from making up excuses and stories and endless reasons to try it "just one more time"...

So tonight, after an exhausting internal battle debating if I should just go buy a joint and give my brain a night off (there's a store only 3 blocks from my house), the universe saved me by reminding me my healthcard is expired and I was SOL. That bought me some time, and after hours of this debating between heart and mind, I finally listened to my gut and had the strength to say no.

Disappointed but relieved, I'm seeing for the millionth time that the idea of the thing is often better than the thing itself. (Would the experience of smoking the joint actually be as rewarding as it is in my fantasy? Doubtful.) And looking back on this difficult night, I'm realizing how cannabis legalization has actually been a bad thing for me, even if it's been good for so many other people. It just makes it that much more tempting, and gives my mind that many more reasons to try it yet again, in yet another form/dosage. There are now endless varieties.. flower, vape, hash, edible, capsules, and endless variations on THC/CBD amounts.. which only fuels the trickster part of my brain into telling me "well you haven't tried this form/dosage yet so maybe THIS will be the perfect one for you.." That and sheer convenience - dispensaries have been popping up more and more in my neighbourhood. There's only one local place to buy booze but I can't walk a few blocks down the main street without passing a handful of tantalizing dispensaries.

Anyway.. just venting I suppose. And wondering if anyone out there has shared this experience. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for drugs being legalized, and am eager to see if any psychedelics are next to come... but it can be really tough when it's a drug that you've struggled with being addicted to, and it's suddenly popping up everywhere. It's also frustrating because so many people seem to be able to just smoke a joint with ease and go on with their life, take that 'night off' from reality and wake up fresh the next morning. I wish I could have that but I've got to steer clear.

 

[Jabberwocky]

awww man i feel you about the wanting of the thing being more satisfying than the thing itself, its part of the nature of addiction.

i haven't been in that situation but i suspect your issue is really the ease of availability. you have done really well not to give in, even if circumstances forced your hand somewhat. every time you don't give in will give you an extra bit of strength not to.

i smoked weed every day for over 10 years and now it just makes me feel awful, i think the paranoia gets worse the older you get and longer you do it. i tried to quit so many times and just kept coming back, even though i'd swear to myself i wouldn't go back to daily use i would because sleeping was such a nightmare. i only truly quit when i got addicted to heroin (at which point i also quit benzos, another long term demon), not the best way. it sounds like weed really doesn't work for you anymore, but addiction doesn't let that be a reason not to use it. you need to reframe it, it is not helping your racing thoughts, it is in fact probably the cause of many of them!!! this mental shift takes time but it will stop you having to call on waning reserves of willpower.

have you tried meditation to help with your racing brain? it has helped me immensely?

 

[kenlee]

I haven't been on this site in years. But I quit cannabis in March after about a decade of off/on addiction and struggles with it. In short, it's a rather demonic drug for me - it gives me what I want (slows down my racing mind, thoughts, helps me sleep) but not without a generous side order of anxiety and paranoia. I have OCD, and when I consume weed it makes it a hell of a lot harder to stay above my OCD, and it can get triggered to the point where I wake up the next morning feeling my mental health has taken a real kick. But that doesn't stop it from being tempting, or stop my mind from making up excuses and stories and endless reasons to try it "just one more time"...

So tonight, after an exhausting internal battle debating if I should just go buy a joint and give my brain a night off (there's a store only 3 blocks from my house), the universe saved me by reminding me my healthcard is expired and I was SOL. That bought me some time, and after hours of this debating between heart and mind, I finally listened to my gut and had the strength to say no.

Disappointed but relieved, I'm seeing for the millionth time that the idea of the thing is often better than the thing itself. (Would the experience of smoking the joint actually be as rewarding as it is in my fantasy? Doubtful.) And looking back on this difficult night, I'm realizing how cannabis legalization has actually been a bad thing for me, even if it's been good for so many other people. It just makes it that much more tempting, and gives my mind that many more reasons to try it yet again, in yet another form/dosage. There are now endless varieties.. flower, vape, hash, edible, capsules, and endless variations on THC/CBD amounts.. which only fuels the trickster part of my brain into telling me "well you haven't tried this form/dosage yet so maybe THIS will be the perfect one for you.." That and sheer convenience - dispensaries have been popping up more and more in my neighbourhood. There's only one local place to buy booze but I can't walk a few blocks down the main street without passing a handful of tantalizing dispensaries.

Anyway.. just venting I suppose. And wondering if anyone out there has shared this experience. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for drugs being legalized, and am eager to see if any psychedelics are next to come... but it can be really tough when it's a drug that you've struggled with being addicted to, and it's suddenly popping up everywhere. It's also frustrating because so many people seem to be able to just smoke a joint with ease and go on with their life, take that 'night off' from reality and wake up fresh the next morning. I wish I could have that but I've got to steer clear.

I have anxiety and panic attacks when I het high on weed, but I learn that less is more, if I have too much I have anxiety or panic, so I have two small puffs on my vape maybe three if it’s been a bad day and I don’t get as many panic or anxiety attacks with it. Psychedelics are something I am considering and should try very soon,I intend to microdose on shrooms I wouldn’t want to trip on them. Also regarding the weed, some strains are better for anxiety than others, bubblegum was a strain that used to help me relax without much anxiety, a good indica for night when your going to settle down for the night,a good sativa for the day that’s uplifting and you can function better, if you have a indica and move around it can Aggravate and cause anxiety, I had a strong indica one morning and then my dad drove us for breakfast and I had a panic attack and ended up needing the bathroom and the room was spinning and it took 45mins to come down from that and it seemed forever, I think a sativa would have helped avoid that situation.

 

[custard]

chinup, thanks for your support. That's a good point - most days it's easy and I don't think about it but I suppose it's when I'm really tempted and manage to say no that actually strengthens my will. Yeah, I've had insomnia for over a decade and times when it's really bad make weed more tempting because it always knocks me out. But like you, the anxiety has gotten worse for me over time, although as you said addiction doesn't care and your brain still finds reasons to try and convince you of how great it'll be. I've never tried heroin, but can only imagine how hard of an addiction that would be to quit. I was addicted to a sleeping pill zopiclone years ago, not a benzo, but was hooked every day for a year and that was hard to quit. Similar to benzos in some ways, definitely had that anti-anxiety effect, but was more psychedelic as it's technically a dissociative. Much more enjoyable than weed, but my (former) doctor was my only point of access so after quitting it was much easier to stay away. I'm sure if they had zopiclone dispensaries on every block it would be a different story. Interesting how accessibility skews your perception.

I haven't used weed since March so it's been a while, but my brain feels like a beast that takes a lot of work to tame. Yes, I started meditating again two months ago, and now I do it daily. I don't know if I'd say it's helped "immensely", but it definitely helps. I think what drew me to weed recently was just wanting a break from reality, and getting tired of being a good soldier. These days I meditate, I exercise, I wake up/go to bed on time, I do all the 'right' things, but eventually it starts to wear on me, and I just want a night off from my brain. Do you ever feel that way?