keep it up!!! It's going to suck for a while, but it'll be worth it. Reward yourself every few days. Whether it's a blunt or scratch ticket or new shoes or a memory foam mattress you had to put on a credit card. Stay strong!
Ha, you rang a bell with of all things a memory foam mattress. I need a new bed like a mofo. I've been holding out since I want to get a really nice mattress but paying back debts has taken it's precedence over dropping a few k on a mattress. I still really want one though. Maybe this time next year provided I keep my shit together, I'll be able to get what I really want. I have to earn it though, that's for sure.
I am certainly not going to judge anyone that relapses, whether it is taking Kratom, a pill, or IV. I only wish myself and all of you forward progress even if sometimes it is one step forward, two steps back.
I'll check in tomorrow and see how you all are doing. Good luck!
Thanks Area57! I'm considering the kratom still part of my taper. Doing that since Friday I had about 80-100mg of hyrdo. Saturday I had 20mg spread out over the course of the day. Yesterday I just had 10mg in the morning with that kratom at night time. Today, I'm using 30% less kratom to get a few things done that require me to get out of the house. It's a steady and rapid decrease to nill. Since I've been suffering through this entire process, I know I'm keeping myself in the zone of progress and discomfort.
^^Exactly! Listen, if I wasn't in jail, and had Kratom, or a piece of a sub or whatever....damn right I would've taken it. I detoxed so hard, seizing, hallucinating, along with all the other bullshit-including pain. I would've crawled across glass for something to take the edge off. I personally don't believe in needing the agony of going cold-turkey to teach you a lesson...I have gone through withdrawal sooo many times. It did nothing. And detoxing in a cell naked proved nothing. For what? Other than I still have nightmares about it.
Stillkicken- at first, I was prescribed 400mg of gabapentin 3x day- in jail. I was in horrible shape, so medical was I guess making sure I didn't die...so on the 16th day, of not eating, not being able to walk barely- the Dr.-who was a very kind woman-asked me what I wanted in terms if meds...she was aware I had chronic pain issues-and she also checked w the pharmacy that I really took the meds I said I did-I asked if I could have Lyrica. Being that its really exspensive, the county didn't carry it...so she prescribed Gabapentin and Tramadol. It was the gabapentin that helped me because it stabilized my mood. I'm still on those meds now. But my mg's of gabapentin are 800mg three times a day. Gapapentin helps me w panic/anxiety issues..but anyway...Yes Stillkicken...take care of that underlying bullshit!
I honestly believe if I was on gabapentin I wouldn't have relapsed. I wouldn't have been the nervous wreck I was, fighting to be positive telling myself the reason I have anxiety and panic is because I'm a weak person, etc. Stillkickin, if you ever feel like it you can read my story....I don't know exactly how you do it...I guess I have a thread from a month or so ago that tells my story I think it's callled "Coming out of the wreckage" I really fucked my life up....just like you, I blew a substantial amount of money. It was my inheritance.
But I feel better emotionally than I ever have in my life, and believe I can turn this around and manage to have a good life still. That statement coming from me is a miracle. It's because my underlying issues are addressed, still being addressed lol...and Neurontin helps me emotionally. It didn't do anything for me pain wise. Heroin, opiates-all of it, was self-medicating to not feel so anxious all of the time.. I am prescribed both Neurontin and lyrica. For pain, its lyrica.
Hey, to all of you three, its great to have this support going!! Keep it up!
That's so awesome you appear to be on the other side of all this. You've been acknowledging your issues that you were masking with opiates and doing something about it. That is definitely so clutch in making a successful recovery. My mental has been holding up so much better than it has been in the past.
I agree with you in that if you've been through c/t detoxes many times and still remember vividly what that experience feels like. I see no benefit in going through this process in full blown withdrawals. It's really hard on the mind and soul, not to mention the body. If you're pushing yourself hard and you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and know that's the truth, that should be more than good enough. As long as I'm constantly making significant cuts in intake (like 20-40% at a time) each subsequential dose, I know I'm almost home.
Didn't sleep much last night and don't want to get up, but I have to go to work today. I'm a sales rep so probably seeing existing customers and won't be making any calls for obvious reasons. I am going to take a piece of sub to get me started today. When I get off work, I am going to lift weights again. Hopefully by then i'll be somewhat tired and can sleep a little. Good luck today fellas. Would be nice to be a month clean by christmas
You're kicking ass Roxie! No doubt about that. You're using as little sub as you can to get by and this is all getting you prepared for your time off work to finish up the hard parts you can't do while in the office.
Since I had been having such a hard time sleeping as well, I finally caved on taking some xanax. Took .5mg along with some doxylamine. I think that's the last time I take doxylamine though. I'm thinking it really makes me foggy when waking up in the morning. Yesterday it took me almost 2 hours since I woke up to get my thoughts to work properly. Having time off work allows me the luxury of trying things like that.
Do you have any meds to help you with your sleep issues that aren't opiates? I can't recall if you said you did or not.
---
Since I took almost 6 grams of Kratom about 14 hours ago and feel that it helped a little too much, I dosed with 4 grams this time so I can run into the office and drop off the on-call phone. I'm waiting for that to start getting these chills and horrible aches under control so I can shower up and get over there. I will say though last night when I dosed the kratom, as much as it helped at the time, within 2 hours, my pupils were back to full saucers which is encouraging to me that I didn't halt my progress too much.
Do any of you also use your pupils to constantly judge where you're at with your opiate dosing? I feel like it lets me know how far I've let myself go or how hard I'm realisticly pushing myself. My pupils have always been very sensitive to opiates in that they will pin very easily. I can lie to myself all I want in thinking that I'm suffering but if I look in the mirror and my pupils aren't huge in dim lighting, I know it's not the truth.
Thanks again everyone for the words of support!! You all are great and I wish you all the most successful day possible!
-SK