Starting down a dark path

[Menta*Lity]

Please pardon my spelling before reading
I am 19 year old guy that goes to the gym five days a week and also works there. i am a well groomed polite guy so ive been told. Basically im not an asshole jok and im viewed in a good way. I am curreently trying to decide what i want to do with my life. It only been in the last year that ive recently started experimenting with drugs such as Weed, Shrooms, Ecstacy, Acid and so on. It was what i found fun because normal life was getting pretty boring and not that life at home was terrible but deffinatly wasnt great. but anyways wile i was doing these substances i made some ground rules as to what we called the big 3 NONOS. Which are Coke/crack, Meth, Heroin. Ive had the chance to do all of these and hadnt had a problem saying no. however within this last month i was introduced to opiates and eventually found myself shooting up. I am currently not physically addicted however i am VERY obsessive and mentally addicted to it. I am not interested in anything else other then this drug known as heroin. I am always hiding the needle marks on my arms from certain friends and all family. I am relizing that this is gunna become a problem and im not sure how to get away from these obsessive compulsive cravings. Ive been spacing out my nights where i do my ritual involving the substance. However im not in denial and i relize that the days i use have gotten closer and closer together. I am waisting tons of money and always seem to run across more to support my new found side hobbie. I am currently at work on the computer working alone typing this out. im not sure if im writing this to get it out or if im looking for help, or both.. if anyone could give me some advice or stories about there expierences i would really appreciate it! This thing that has come into my life excites me like a first date and scares me like a gunshot in my own direction... so frustrating

 

[herbavore]

I am so glad that you decided to post this. I definitely think that you are writing it to "get it out" (which is very courageous) and to get help. You spelled everything out for yourself in that post: you are psychologically dependent, compulsive, having to hide, wasting money, jeopardizing your relationships with family and friends and generally headed for much more severe trouble. I think that the part of you that knows you have to end this now was responsible for writing this and now the part of you that is resisting what you know you have to do needs to read it and heed it!

Just this one sentence should be enough to let you know what is coming:

I am not interested in anything else other then this drug known as heroin. [/QUOTE

I hope you turn it around starting today.

 

[anaddict]

Just by realizing that the road you are headed down is a dark and lonely one puts you a step ahead of where most of us began. Getting it out is very important and you will find no shortage of help especially on this particular sub-forum. There are a lot of smart people here who understand where you are now and just how bad it can get if you continue in that direction. They can tell you to stop. Friends can tell you to stop. Your family and those who love you can beg and plead with you and tell how you are hurting the ones you love and tell you to stop. With all that unless you yourself take heed of your own fears of where you are headed it will not happen. YOU have to WANT to stop yourself from going down this path. Coming here and posting this was a great step in that direction and like I said before you will find people here willing to help but I reccomend talking to someone who means a lot to you and loves you in your life. Show them those needle marks and feel that shame early before it is too late. Tell them all that you have told us here and let them help you get off this path that I personally know all too well.

You asked for storied so if you have some free time you can check out the one I posted in my blog about my struggle with my addiction. A story that starts at the exact same age that you are now. I am 29 now and wish that I could go back and take some of the advice that I just wrote above myself but maybe my story can help you in some small way. http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/entries/5787-Confessions-of-an-Opioid-addict-Pt.-1

Good luck to you I wish you the best. You can still stop this self destructive path from happening but you have to really want it for yourself.

 

[Menta*Lity]

I appreciate your help and i really appreciate your support.

And im going to take a look at your blog now thank you... I never thought that i would find myself in this position.

 

[SececaRD]

Do youself a favor and please listen to us old cats who had to learn the hard way about heroin use. I went from having the world by the balls to having nothing. Lost everything from family to items. Im going on about 4 ish years clean and Im just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Fri I started a Job back in my trade.

Beware you are messing with something that you have no control over, you might think you do, but you really dont. Just when you least expect it that snake is gonna bite you! Stop now while you have a chance and while your ahead!!

there is a glimmer of hope if you stop now. before you know it your whole life will revolve around it,then eventuiually lose everything. run\\\RUN NOW WHILE YOU CAN!!

 

[piebald]

you are at least smart enough and have enough self awareness to know whats happening...you are at the point where you can turn it around before it consumes your life. I wish my first post on this forum had been when i was on the verge of living a life of addiction; please listen to the advice people here will give you. its hell, pure hell and there is nothing more to say. my life was consumed and devoured by opiate addiction and your post is exactly what i went through in the beginning, but i didnt have the awareness to acknowledge it in its earlier stages like you are. Please please please ask for help!
like you i had been a drug user for years...never addicted but using recreationally and then i got into herion/oxy stuff and i became a slave..it was nothing but pure hell. tell someone you trust, or if you feel like you should go get professional help. Dont fool yourself into thinking you can "cut back" or manage this habit. There are people on these forums who will say that its possible to remain a recreational/functional herion user..but if your already feeling that mental obession with heroin..that means your brain has started to rewire itself into an addict. you don't have a window of time to deal with this, you cant put it on the back burner, you cant fall into that pattern that so many of us do where you say "tomorrow ill start tapering and get this under control" because it doesn't happen. you will stop buying groceries because you could spend that money on heroin. you wont go out with our friends unless your high, you will begin to use more and more because your tolerance will get higher and higher, then you will start to find new and usually less than ethical ways of financially supporting your habit.
By then the "magic" has worn off and your using to feel normal, not to get high.. your going to get dope sick..this is the worst hell on earth. i wish i had words to explain how it feels to be trapped in opiate addiction. Take this very seriously and make it a PRIORITY to get help. the romance and euphoria of opiates were off very quickly and usually by the time that happens your trapped. please get help.

 

[piebald]

i shut my computer off but kept thinking about this thread because you are at a CRITICAL point. I wish i had been in your shoes and asked for help at the point you are at now..you actually have a really good chance of stopping this with MINOR consequences!! If you let this go you stand to loose everything. The stakes are so high. Im 35, i lost a husband, a job, a life, my friends, my money, myself..and im an educated middle class "normal" chick and i had to start my life over with NOTHING..there is SO MUCH TO LOSE. Please understand that. addiction rewires your brain; it changes your fucking brain! you become a fucking zombie-that functions only to satisfy one impulse-to satisfy one need that really never gets satisfied. and as your life starts to melt away you don't even give a shit!!. its a dehumanizing process on every level..
This is only my experience, im just telling you how i felt and what i went through.

 

[Menta*Lity]

I appreciate everyones advice and the knowledge that I am in a critical stage in the problem. Yesterday I used from the hours of 4pm to 11pm. That's the longest yet. I'm sitting here tryan to not cash my check so that I don't have cash to spend. I can't stop thinking about it.. It's almost like a hunger you get when you need to eat.. It is so controlling.. I would usually get my mind off of things by doing a substance such as weed. However sinse I started opiates I do not like any other substances besides opiates. Kinda piss me off.. But all that leads to is me wanting something to calm down, if ya know what I mean.. And I'm sure you do

 

[Missykins]

I would strongly encourage you to seek out a local Narcotics Anonymous (www.na.org) meeting. Recognize that you have a problem is the first step, but now you have to do something about it. Narcotics Anonymous is simply a group of men and women who help each other get and stay clean by supporting one another. White-knuckling it in isolation almost never works, you need peer support if you're going to make it over the long haul.

 

[organs]

Your withdrawal now is going to be a cake walk compared to how it is going to be in another month at this rate. Some people can control their urges for years but we don't all the same genetic make up. My brother recently started 3 months ago, he started off spending over 500 his first month and ended with pawning 7,000 dollars worth of family heirlooms we will never get back his last month. He would never in a million years steal credit cards and checks from us. Every single person is devastated in our family, it's almost like someone died and if detox and rehab don't work out it's almost worse. If he doesn't want help we have to watch him slowly drive the stake through his own heart.

It seems like Heroin really lights your brain up and things can go badly for you fast. You should ask yourself the question, not only do you want to destroy your life but do you want to bring other people down with you? Once your addiction takes over you will use, manipulate and ruin anyone to feed it. I have allot of respect for you by seeking out help and if you get out now it will be a breeze but it sounds like you won't be able to do this just for fun very long. It's nothing personal, I am aware opiates stimulate my brain far beyond others which is why I would never try heroin.

 

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

If you can, remove yourself from the situations that encourage you to use. If you have contacts for dealers in your phone, delete the numbers. If you find yourself acquiring drugs when you are with certain people, stop hanging out with them.

Please stop shooting up. If you absOlutely must use, use another ROA.

Like others have said, you are at a critical point. It is still a choice. Use the dedication, willpower, and resolve that you put towards working on your physical fitness/career towards furthering your health by eliminating heroin from your life. Essentially, put yourself on a 'no heroin' diet.

 

[Menta*Lity]

Ok.. I got with a friend of mine and I am going to narcotics anonymous meetings with him.. I didn't do it yesterday. Thank god.. Once again I appreciate everyone advice and support. I need to get out of the house and find something to do other then play with my thoughts

 

[tripnotyzm]

Thats good to hear man.
Glad you are seeking help like you are. Its a very wise thing to do, especially in the early stages of abuse.
You're so young dude.. Read over all the above comments as much as you can.
Get it stuck in your head how extremely horrible Heroin & opiates are.
You are surrounded by people who have shared the same or very similar experiences as you.. Make sure you hang around here and get the help you need

 

[Menta*Lity]

Hello everyone that was involved in this thread many years ago.. This is my first time on here sinse then and i wish i could have turned the other way as i was directed to.. I have sinse went from posting this thread on a computer at work in a gym to catching many charges, been to jail many times, lost the relationship i was in who was the love of my life, my father who was an alcoholic has sinse died from his drinking, lost plenty of jobs, lost my physical health, contracted hep c, have gone through and lost 2 years of sobriety and being a strong model in the rooms.. I remembered i made a post the first week i tried heroin and was scared about my future.. Well here i am almost 7 full years later. I am still alive however i couldnt have imagined my life to go the way it has excluding the warnings i wish i had heeded on here as a 19 year old.. I am 25 now and am laying in bed starring at the ceiling with despare.. Oh how i loathe to be able to go back.. Crazy to think how much has changed and how different my life is compared to back then.. Anybody recall this thread from those many years ago?

 

[Mafioso]

That's wild man, sounds like you've been through the ringer. I started up at 18 and spent the next 10 years getting into trouble and developing a pretty serious drug habit myself. I often think how different my life would have been had I listened to others who were trying to warn me. Frustrating to think that I wasn't willing to listen and just disregarded them. It's really never too late to change though. Although it may not be easy to turn your life around, it will only get harder the longer it goes on. Some people don't turn their life around until well into their 30s or 40s or even later, and some never make it. Sooner is always better than later with this type of stuff.

How are you doing now? Are you making any progress?

 

[Lost_Vet]

Hello everyone that was involved in this thread many years ago.. This is my first time on here sinse then and i wish i could have turned the other way as i was directed to.. I have sinse went from posting this thread on a computer at work in a gym to catching many charges, been to jail many times, lost the relationship i was in who was the love of my life, my father who was an alcoholic has sinse died from his drinking, lost plenty of jobs, lost my physical health, contracted hep c, have gone through and lost 2 years of sobriety and being a strong model in the rooms.. I remembered i made a post the first week i tried heroin and was scared about my future.. Well here i am almost 7 full years later. I am still alive however i couldnt have imagined my life to go the way it has excluding the warnings i wish i had heeded on here as a 19 year old.. I am 25 now and am laying in bed starring at the ceiling with despare.. Oh how i loathe to be able to go back.. Crazy to think how much has changed and how different my life is compared to back then.. Anybody recall this thread from those many years ago?

You are 25; you haven't even started to live. You are just testing the limits while you are young. You have plenty of time to clean up and do good, feel good, and succeed. I'm 61, just retired as I was forced out of my college teaching job that I loved by a state that couldn't get its sh*t together to pay its bills (Illinois). At 61, I'm looking for something new and just starting to kick a serious opiate habit. My mind is clear and I'll find something I like and run with it. Take good care of yourself Menta*Lity. There is plenty of help out there. All you gotta do is ask.

LV

 

[mokele]

@lost vet,
I can relate to your Words so strong it makes me cringe.
Not 61,turned 50 this year but started too
early(14)and cant believe if i STOP life
wouldnt be only a long boring Depression.
I lived 2years,at 21after a bad OD,without Drugs,just weed
and i felt anxious,depressed,not fitting in but had a good girl,friends,still the thought was always there.
Then we had a petty Argument and she killed herself,WITH 17!!!! I went straight back and was so pumped on smack
at her funeral i couldnt shed a tear,no feelings inside.
Been on since then,Morphine maintenance,better than methadon.have managed to keep up 1Hobby,my love for
Siamese fighting fish.Currently only 1which i rescued from ahorrible pet kz,slowly nursing him back to healthy,hopefully Happy.But i Never achieved anything in Life,my Dad gives me a small rent(horrible childhood!!!)
And i guess i ruined my mums live,in bad times shoot ing
Up in front of her,didnt care bout anyone then.
I regret this and my wasted Life so badly
I often cant stand just being in my skin.
Wish soo bad for a way OUT but train is long gone
as they say.
Good luck to everyone reading this and Thanks for bearing
with me on this long rant!

 

[CloverC]

Menta*Lity - what a sad story. I hope anyone who is lurking on this site in the same situation as you back then will change their path based on your experience.

You aren't over the hill at 25. Change now. Live your life how it's supposed to be lived. Enjoy it, don't continue to suffer.

Heroin may have changed your path but it doesn't need to continue. Find the strength to change, I hope you do it.

Good luck.

 

[tjmothy]

Firstly, sorry to hear everything you've been through. This thread is pretty incredible. Reading your first post then to read your returning post years later is like looking into someone's future. I hope this thread can help someone that is in a similar situation as your original one to deter them from their own dark path.

 

[Barefoot352]

At 25 you have plenty of time to make it, don't give up and don't think you can't succeed. Trust me I've been there.