Hey guys.
I've been into drugs since I can remember, trying everything from RC Benzos to Meth to Opium, Rolls, Younameit®, however I've always had an affinity for opioids.
To give you some background information, I come from a family with a history of addiction. Not my parents, but my grandparents on both sides as well as their grandparents. Since my parents never talked about it and were pretty much sober the entire time, it just wasn't something I worried about. Both my immediate and extended family -as well as myself- suffer from a heck of a lot of depression, anxiety, and suicidal behaviors. When I was quite young, I had extremely bad asthma and was hospitalized a number of times because of it. I was put on Singulair at the age of 9 and stayed on it throughout highschool and early college. We (doctors, parents, and myself included) did not know at the time that Singulair has around a 10% chance of drastically exacerbating depression and suicidal behavior in those that use it. So I spent a massive portion of my developmental years horribly depressed with multiple attempts at suicide. I just didn't know a life without depression -until DRUGS! Yay drugs!
I ended up getting involved in all sorts of procuring, distributing, and consuming whatever I could get my hands on. It gave me a sense of relief, a sense of excitement, a bunch of money, new "friends", etc... I never let my (ab)use really effect my work/school and excelled at both, graduating college early and becoming Head Chef of a snooty restaurant by 24. It was around that age that I began to feel the emptiness and dissatisfaction that stems from living a life constantly high. I still didn't realize that the addiction was the issue, I just kind of assumed a needed a big change because my life wasn't headed in a direction I was happy with.
So I packed up and moved to Thailand. I cold turkey quit everything (was on 60-90mg of morphine/day plus whatever stims, psychedelics, weed, oxys, or fent) and made the journey. I was living by myself for a brief period and was bored one day, so I decided to see what I could snag from local pharmacies -since things can slip through the cracks in a city like Bangkok. After trying about 9 different pharmacies, I came across one that I convinced to sell me Tramadol. Boom. Back on opiates. I rarely ever abused, abused the tramadol while I was there but I had it in my system on a daily basis for the next two years. While living there I got another degree, got a girlfriend, and was probably the happiest I've ever been. But it was all still under the guise of avoiding reality. I even got into meditation, exercise, and healthy eating, but I still relied on Tramadol to keep me in balance and not depressed.
When I moved back to the States I fell back in with my old crew and got right back into the same shit. I totally burnt myself out on MDA/MDMA to the point where the "magic" is just nonexistent. I then moved onto microdosing LSD regularly and felt great, preformed highly at my job, got a few promotions and the best money I'd ever made, and was still left unhappy. By this point, I could no longer enjoy L because my mind immediately went into this mathematical, cause-effect, problem-solving, work-mode whenever I took it.
I still felt unfulfilled and depressed, feeling like I had made zero positive momentum in the last few years and had wound up in the same place, doing the same shit, just spinning my wheels. So I sought out antidepressants. Without a doctor. I knew I had an affinity for opiates and was still in denial about my addiction, so when I found Tianeptine and read all the horror stories about people getting addicted and having to take massive doses and how coming off of it was way harder than quitting smack, I was like "maybe for you pussies but I'll be fine!". It didn't work out so well.
Tianeptine is hell. This is the first time I ever realized that I was addicted and that I had actually been addicted to having SOME substance in my body for years. Coming off of that shit was a nightmare. It took me about 2 years. I was able to come off of it with the help of Gabapentin and Tramadol. Then I became very addicted to tramadol. After about a year of that -all the while hiding this shit from my girlfriend that I lived with and my family members- I managed to get off of Tramadol and onto Kratom.
Kratom was great and helped me satisfy that craving for opioids while giving me energy and motivation to get things done. It gave me some anxiety, though, so I relied more heavily on Benzos (which had also been a part of my drug cocktails for the last 4 years). I also developed a decent addiction to Alcohol because everywhere I worked for the last 4-5 years I would get limitless free drinks. Then in the last 6 months, Cocaine became a much more frequent visitor.
Over the last 4 months, I have been really trying to stay clean, but fall into binges every now and then whenever I am tempted or just say "Fuck it!" when things get too hard.
Every day I wake up feeling hopeless. I have no desire to have hope. I have no motivation to keep going. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis but I know I won't do it because it would hurt my family too much. I have no desire to hurt anyone, myself included. I just don't have the desire to exist.
So after nearly 2 months of total sobriety I find myself back on Kratom and Alcohol which mitigate my symptoms of just wanting to die, but also don't at the same time. It's a fucking struggle to do anything. I should also mention that I am on 150mg Wellbutrin XL (bupropion) and 75mg Effexor (venlafaxine) daily.
Last week a friend of mine told me to try some of his Subs (buprenorphine/naloxone) and HOLY SHIT I FEEL LIKE A HUMAN AGAIN! I am motivated. I have energy. I am excited about the future and am working towards goals -I haven't had DESIRES in quite some fucking time, let alone GOALS. I'm only taking around 1.5mg/day (8mg strip cut into 16ths, taking 3/16ths) and I can see my depression and just choose not to succumb to it. I don't have any desire to take other opiates or to drink. I feel like I have control of my life for the first time in a long time.
But do I really? Or am I just trading one substance for another like I've done the majority of my life? Furthermore, there's a lot of bullshit that comes with getting prescribed Suboxone. You have your constant drug tests, mandatory meetings (which I really feel like I don't have time for), and you get a big red mark on your chart that says to every doctor, therapist, and clinician that, "Hey! I'm an addict!!". I have no idea how long -if ever- that would take to go away. I just know that right now I do feel better than I have in ages. I have done a lot of research on buprenorphine, naloxone, and naltrexone on opiate use disorder and on depression and it appears to be somewhat of a wonder drug. However I'm not without knowing that it, too is addictive and that the withdrawal symptoms, while potentially more acute, could last a lot longer than traditional opiates
So on that note...
TL;DR
I have a long history of drug use that began out of a desire to combat extreme depression with suicidal behavior. After a number of years of moving from one drug to the next and still feeling empty and suicidal, I tried Suboxone and it appears to work miracles. Is it worth it for me to seek it out and get it prescribed? Or am I better off barely managing my issues with antidepressants and self-medication of kratom and alcohol?
Thanks for taking the time to read, I appreciate any and all advice or insight.
